40 Year Old /Ex-husband Living with 19 Year Old Babysitter While He Has the Kids

You are both ignoring the legal agreement you made to not sleep with someone when your kids are with you. Age does not matter here, she is legally an adult. (And she was 16 when she met your ex, not 6). I would suggest you both agree to drop that provision.

I would say it is time to let your kids know what their true relationship is, and stop the "sister" nonsense. Other than that, there is nothing you can do about this. I'd suggest you watch what you say around your children about her, since she might be around for some time, or become their stepmom. Twenty year age differences are not that rare in marriages.

Welcome to Mamapedia! Great first question - oh..so much to discuss.

So she killed a rabbit, calls him Daddy, is your babysitter and now sleeps with him. Sounds like your husband has high standards. I'd just try to let it go.

Your ex-husband is a pig in my eyes (my daughter will be 19 in June but isn't stupid), the babysitter is a fool and you too are forcing the kids into a blended family when this guy is not your husband (or fiance for that matter). You can get your children familiar with his family without staying at his house. You are not following the agreement either, how do you justify that?

It sounds like a mess for your kids all the way around. I'm sure they will thank you both for it later.

**It's nice to read about examples of couples with age differences here that I really respect! Don't feel comfortable with the "daddy" thing though in your ex's situation.

Sorry to say, it would be a waste of time going to court. They are both adults.

I think you all need to change the whole sister situation and say she is not really related, but has always been "like a sister".. Then have her introduce the kids to her REAL parents.

FYI, Capt Von Trapp was 25 years older than Maria when they married.
She had been the baby sitter for years before they married. She was only 22 when they actually married.

While I find your ex to be gross and disgusting, I think you have no choice but to accept this. Unfortunately this is the choice he has made and you can not control his choices. If I were you, I would sit down with the ex & the sitter, make your peace with them, and then sit down with all three of you and the kids. Talk about this openly and honestly and then put the kids in counceling.

I'm sorry you are going through this. This is another reason that divorce is so bad for a family. Especially the kids.

GO to the judge and tell him or her about this. It is not healthy for your kids to be calling her a sister while she is with your ex. I have to say that your ex is acting like Woody Allen here. He can legally marry her if he wants to, but that doesn't mean he should have shared custody of the children.

The judge ought to scorch his butt, but good. They had previously called you a disgusting pervert for asking them about their relationship - so they obviously know what they are doing is wrong. Since the kids have ratted them out, NOW he says they are desperately in love.

He has taken serious advantage of this girl, mom, like a trusted teacher who grooms and woos a young student. I hope the judge takes away shared custody, I really do. He should not get to keep the girls overnight.

Please go back to the judge - you really need to out him for this behavior!

Dawn

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry you're going through this. And in your defense I will say this.

This situation is inappropriate at best and sick and twisted at it's worst. I do not think any woman would have this cavalier attitude of the 19 year-old being an adult and it's all good. Um, no. This is not a 19 year-old woman this man has met on this street. Yes, that's happens all the time, but this is NOT the case. This a 19 year-old woman that was introduced to the family at 16 years-old as the babysitter, then later on as a pseudo-sibling. There is a HUGE difference in that. I am 35. There is a 16 year-old boy that walks his little sister to the bus stop every morning. I could never imagine myself thinking, 'Hey he's cute. Let me hang around and woe him until he's of age." OMG, yuck!! I really, really wonder what woman, or man for that matter, would have this devil-may-care attitude when it comes to their own family. Good grief.

Secondly, I do not think you need to start pointing fingers just to justify you having sleepover's of your own. I think if your ex were having sleep overs with a woman that wasn't the old freaking babysitter who was 16 at the time of introduction, and carrying on a relationship that is weird and inappropriate in front of your children, I would say you're probably looking for a reason. But that's not the case! Also, I don't think you would post this question because it's of the same caliber of what you're doing. Is it right? No. But that other mess is just wrong!

With all that being said, what can you really do? If anything, you might as well drag the issue all the way out the closet and let the kids, the family and whomever else is involved know the truth. At least it won't be so sneaky, and perhaps it will blow off some of the weirdness. Unless they're getting married, no co-parenting. Would you do that with anyone else at this stage of their relationship?

The next thing I would suggest is control your own behaviors. I know your moving toward marriage and you're in a serious relationship. But maybe you shouldn't have the sleep overs because so much is going on already. You and your significant other are grown adults as well as parents and can stave off any further confusion for your kids and be able to deal with that on a mature level. You can blend families without sleepovers. I'm sure he'll understand. I think there is too much going on for your little guys to take in right now.

So in short, stop your own sleep overs, explain the relationship, hope for the best, and brace for the worse. I really hope everything works out for you.

Wow. I mean, really, wow. I can see WHY you divorced him!

Bleck.

I agree. This sounds totally inappropriate. I'm not sure what, if anything, you can do to intervene. I suppose a lawyer might be a good start, to see if/how your decree can better be enforced to serve your children.

And, of course, setting a good model of healthy family dynamics and roles, which it sounds like you are doing. Later, as your children grow and have thoughts of their own, you can provide them with support and emotional safety. This seems like it could be a rough situation for you to be in, so if you can carve out time for self care, it might help you to sustain balance and reason.

It sounds like you are conducting your end gracefully and I'm sending you hugs!

ETA: My parents had a 16 year age difference. I do believe that it's possible to be deeply in love with someone's senior or junior. What bothers me about this situation is less the age difference than the father-daughter relationship. One does not need to have a biological connection to experience that bond. It's somewhat like a step dad and daughter becoming sexual. I have trouble with emotional incest. Something inside me just feels sour about it.

Wow how disgusting. BUT if I were a judge I would reprimand you too for not following the decree/parenting plan. You are making excuses for your actions of having sleepovers with the opposite sex (irregardless if it was at your boyfriends house or not).

Hmmm, well I'm assuming you have approved for 3 years the relationship she has with your kids. She's good to them? A quality caretaker? At least it's someone they know and pressumably love, not a total stranger you don't know or trust. Otherwise, why in the world would you allow her to babysit your children?

Sorry, but I was the babysitter too, at 16. 30 years later we are still deeply in love. Everyone we know has supported us, except his ex, of course. Like you and your ex, she doesn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone ELSE to have him either.

Dunno about the 'brother sister Daddy' thing. That IS a little odd. Maybe something they made up so you wouldn't suspect they were already sleeping together ages ago?

Our age difference is only 11 years, but if he'd been 37 instead of 27 at the time, I STILL would've been crazy about him.

I guess if per your divorce agreement he can't have overnight guests, he'll just have to marry her. Will you feel better about the whole thing then?

:(

I agree, it's gross. Your kids are so young now, they don't really understand it. But as they get older, I'm sure they will notice Dad sleeping with the young babysitter isn't exactly a normal relationship. It's gross, and it's weird, but I think it best to let it run its course. More than likely it isn't going to last long. Make your co-parenting decisions with your ex only, not this girl. Just tell them sorry, they aren't married, and your boys see her as a babysitter and a sister-figure, but not a mother-figure. Of course you will be cordial and cooperative in the kids best interest, but you don't owe her any more than that. As long as the kids don't show you any signs of being troubled by the situation, I think you have to let it go and concentrate on the family you are currently building. If you're going to fight them being together, they may dedicate themselves to siding against you and cling together even more tightly.

On the one hand, what your ex does is his business.
On the other hand, he's teaching your kids what passes for normal, and his lifestyle sounds a wee bit on the kinky side for my taste.
If he wanted to run off and play house with her on his own no one would care but now she wants to play mommy with 'daddy' and be a co parent to your kids - blech.
Hopefully the example you set for your kids will take with them more than how your ex lives his life.

I find it disgusting just from your kids point of view. I can it might be very confusing for them - daddy sleeping with their sister. They are the ones who set up the dynamic so I think they are sick. If they knew they had feelings for each other, they should not have set up the dynamic as her being a sibling. It's just gross.

I wonder how he's going to feel when they introduce their "sister" to their friends and their friends parents and then the friends and parents see "sister" holding hands with or other PDA with daddy. I bet there is going to be a lot of gossip in the old town that night!

I was 19 when I met my husband who was 36 at the time. We are going on 8 years of marriage this year and while it hasn't been the best and we still struggle with some issues, I do love him and know he loves me. We just need to work through some things.

However, the relationship that your husband has sounds gross. How does she go from calling him daddy to getting in his bed? That's really sick. And they made excuses for it.

On the other hand, you don't seem to be making it much easier for them when they are with you either, staying at your man's house with his kids.

I feel bad for the kids, because I have an almost 9 year old, 7, and 5 year olds and I can't imagine confusing them like they are. I understand you're going towards marriage, but are you engaged yet? If not, I'd back off some and give your kids a safe haven - sounds like they need it.

I dont really have any advice for you, I'm so sorry! But as far as him using your relationship to create a loophole there is no comparison! He is a 40 year old man dating a 19 year old child! I know I am not much older, will be 23 in July but that grosses me out! At first they said no way, that gross, thats incest....but now they find it to be okay! You are in a mature relationship, he is not. I would just keep pushing that you do not want your children to see them sharing a bed together or doing things that an adult couple would do, even if its just holding hands or the way they talk to eachother. That sets a VERY bad example for your children regarding correct behavior between adults and children...you want them to know right from wrong, not confuse them! If he really wants to be in a relationship he should find someone his own age. I know men aren't as mature as women but come on....she is a child! Anyways, sorry I couldn't give advice but I totally agree with you!

Whoo boy, what a mess! I think the only thing you can do is thank your lucky stars that you are out of that marriage. Trying to enforce the custody agreement is likely to cause more drama than it fixes. A clever therapist could help you figure out what to tell your kids and how to best shield them from what sounds like a creepy relationship.

Does your husband see any issue with this sister confusion for his kids? if he does not, that is a huge issue.

I think this is a question for a family counselor - whoever your husband dates is his business but the whole 'sister' thing with the kids - that is just way too confusing for them and that needs to be fixed ASAP. Good luck with your husband and his insane mid life crisis!!