4Year Old with Gender Issues

Hi,
Does he have any boys to play with? Does he do stuff with his dad? If he plays with a lot of girls he is going to like the things he is exposed to. Maybe you can find a playgroup of a couple of boys his age.
J.

Does your son have a male figure in his life-or does he just see women/girls all the time? Does he watch Superman or Batman cartoons or just cartoons showing girls and princesses? The best a Mom can do is love her son no matter what happens, but if he does not have any male figure to learn from, he may not know how other little boys play. Sometimes my son will pretend he is a princess, but it is once in awhile.
Love him always and good luck sweetie.

Hi K....

I have 3 children... 13 yr old Justyn, 5 yr old "Jaden" (lol), and 4 month old Kylie. I had the same issue with my Jaden!

Our issue was that he and I were WICKED close. He was my little shadow. We live 3000 miles away from any family so it's basically just us. When he was born my oldest was 7 yrs old. My husband was constantly working or on business trips so it was just me. Now for toys, he was into (and still is just not as much now that he's older) Thomas the tank engine. He loves trains, cars, ect. He adores his older brother and now is completely taken by his new baby sister.

He used to do the same thing your son did. I also have no issue with whoever he wants to be. All I want for my children is that they thrive and are happy. But he used to like to walk around in my shoes, ask me to put make up on him when he saw me putting on my make up, ect. He would alway tell me he wished he was a girl like me. Sometimes placing a blanket on his head to pretend he had long girl hair. (I have long hair)

I believe he was so attached to me that he wanted to be just like me. Sometimes at a young age kids will want to emulate those they look up to or admire. When my husband was around I would have my hubby spend "guy time" with him. I was also lucky enough to have my older child get along so great with him and they also spent time together doing boy stuff.

He is now in kindergarten, doing amazing. He is very happy and comfortable with both boys and girls. He no longer wants to wear make up and he no longer wears my shoes. He is definately now all boy!

Now he does have a baby sister, and absolutely adores her. He is very attentive to her. If there is a "girl" toy commercial on he will tell me "Oh Mummy, we should buy that for Kylie". Now I will also say, that you can go into pretty much any store anywhere and there seems to be maybe 2 or 3 isles for the boys but a MILLION for girls!!! Seeing as you have a little girl and he probably spends tons of time being with either you or his sister, this is what he knows. Does he spend lots of time with his dad? Maybe try to find someone who lives in your area and perhaps set up some playdates with boys of the same age.

Now my Jaden seemed to revert slightly when his little sister was born. (i've since handled that) But another thought it that maybe because your little girl is younger and obviously requires more of your time than he does could he be trying to be like a girl to get your attention? Remember he has you all to himself for 3 yrs and then along comes this new little girl. He MAY be feeling a little jealous but in his own way.

In our case it was a phase. I never made a big deal out of it and just let him be comfortable with himself no matter who he is. In my case, our son just needed more time with his father, and playing with his brother and boys his own age. I also set up playdates with other boys his age. I make sure he knows that I will love him unconditionally, no matter what he does or who he wants to be.

In my own opinion, I would say just make sure he knows he is loved unconditionally, See if his dad can spend some one on one time with him, as well as perhaps setting up some playdates. Personally I would wait and see what happens once he starts kindergarten.

Hi. I live in a house full of boys myself so I've had to face some strange things. There's a great book called "Bringing up Boys" by Dr. James Dobson that was recommeded to me that I think will help you.
If could at least give you some insight into making a decision.

Hi! My son used to pretend to shave his legs and put on make up too. He will grow out of it. Just every once in a while say, oh that's for girls. I am assuming he does not go to school yet. That's another thing. When he goes to school he will be exposed to girls and boys. My son lived with me, my sister and my mom. All he saw was girl stuff. When he went to school he saw boys and the things they did. There is nothing wrong with your son. He will either grow out of it or he will play like a girl, so what. Kids will be kids. You believe in you son and don't worry about what people say.

Looks like you've already gotten some great advice. But just to add a little child development info into the mix. Age 4 is a big transition time with regard to gender identity. This is, traditionally, when children really start to carve up the world into boys and girls. They are thinking about who they are in the world, and who they are going to become. And how they can and should relate to others. And since the primary way young children process their thoughts is through play and pretend, they do a lot of playacting and a lot of trying things out. This is when we preschool teachers start hearing things like "girls only" or “boys only” during games (and when we stop and breathe in deep and slow before responding).

Most children have acclimated themselves to our basic cultural notions about male and female by the middle of kindergarten. But of course, as I’m sure we all remember, this is really a process that goes on all the way through childhood and beyond. So before you worry too much, realize that he is still in that phase of grappling with the basics – i.e. who is a boy, who is a girl, and what does that mean in preschool kids terms.

Some basic things that may help him clarify and think things through are talking about body differences, talking about how moms are different from dads, and how boys are different from men. In other words, help him understand the physical side of things.

But you can also help him notice things around him, such as:

– Roles and jobs. Example: male and female construction workers both wear jeans and orange vests and hard hats (shows that sometimes how we dress and act is about the job or activity we are doing, not gender)
– Gender in nature: male and female animals and how they raise and care for their young, in contrast to human moms and dads (shows that some things are determined by nature, but other things we decide ourselves, by what we like or need)
– Individual differences. Example: one man your family knows speaks gently and another has a big, gruff voice. One likes to cook and so on. (shows that being a man, or a boy, isn’t as limiting as it sometimes seems)
– Non conformity. If you can, point out or mention people who are extra different. Explain that everyone is different (The Todd’s World “It’s Okay To Be Different” is a great book to get this rolling). And that’s okay. But talk too about how people sometimes tease. (Try “Oliver Button Is A Sissy” for a great story about this.)

Books in general are a great tool for starting a discussion. Ask your local librarian for picture books about related subjects – jobs, gender, the way people dress (you can let him know men in some other cultures wear skirts). When using real life situations or examples, try to wait until they arise naturally. Or at the very least, introduce an idea, but be willing to let it drop until another day if he loses interest or changes the subject.

And of course, the idea is to open a line of discussion. So that he knows he can come to you and talk it out as concerns come up -- now and in the future.

As an early childhood professional who also has a degree in anthropology (human cultures around the world), I can tell you that our culture, like many others, gives children the impression that gender is totally black and white. We associate all kinds of behaviors and preferences with being biologically male or female that really have little to do with it. And for a young child, who is trying to sort this out, and who is prone to thinking in terms of roles he has seen acted out (at home or on TV)… it can really seem like you have to be “girl” to like certain things or do certain things!

It may help therefore to help your son identify what he likes (you could make an “All About Me” poster or book) and celebrate his unique talents and interests. AND to talk together about how he can have a boy body and still love and do all of those things.

But as another parent implied, tread lightly. Because every now and then, a child really does have a deep identification as another gender than what his body signals. And all that we can do really, beyond sharing information, is be a loving companion to them on their journey of self-discovery and growth.

Hello K.,
I think that maybe now this just my opion, that you have a little girl to right? He might be acting this way for attention? He is very young and probably will grow out of it.
I have a daughter and all her young life I wanted nothing more than for her to be a "girly girl" Well she is not and now she is gay.I can't help but think I pushed her into this decision by pushing her to be girly.

This does not mean your son will be gay, that is not what I am saying!Please do not get me wrong. I am saying let him be who he is. He is young and as soon as he starts school with other boys he might soon figure out who he is. You might try putting him into a sport, like karate.

Hope this helps good luck C. T

I'd check with your pediatrician to see when these gender things work themselves out. Good luck!

I dont think your son needs to see a doctor like others have suggested, he isnt sick, there is nothing wrong with him. If that is how he likes to act then its fine, he is happy and it sounds like you love him no matter what and you want him happy.
I like the suggestion someone made about having a play date with other boys. If your son only grew up around women then being around some boys will be a fun little change.

I would not make an issue of the behavior at all, just ignore it as much as possible for now, and let him do his thing.
So if he is doing it for attention, he should'nt be getting any extra attention for it.
Talk to his Dr. get a referal to a child psycologist , they will be able to gently work with him through talk and play to give you a better idea of what is going on with him , and give you the tools to help your son accordingly.
It may be a phase, may be for attention, or may be a real biological issue, so please get professional assistance, so you can do the best for your little guy.
Above all just keep loving the heck out of that little guy like you are !

i think it's normal at his age. My five year old pretends he's a girl too. He says he likes girls because they're nice and boys are mean so he doesn't want to be a boy. he doesn't have sisters and only has two brothers so I think he's trying to be different than his brothers. I think he'll outgrow it honestly.

Let him be him. Counseling is great, either for guidance or support. You didn't mention dad, but I had a friend whose son loved "girl things" and his dad went sideways about it thinking his son was gay. They saw a couselor who explined to them the difference between gender identity and homosexuality. He also told them that their son would be who he is no matter what they did, the difference would be whether he felt loved and supported or wrong and shunned by his family. You sound like the kind of mom who wants revel in the joy of the person your child is, whoever that might be. So were my friends. So when Owen started swim lessons they bought him swim trunks for class and the bikini he wanted for practicing in their home pool. Now he is 10 and still has some feminine tendencies but has learned to balance them to find social happiness and acceptability. Good luck to you!

i remember oprah doing a show on children who identified with the oposite sex and i remember it being very moving and imformative..i think this might be it http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200405/tows_past_2004...
but it was last year some time so my memory is foggy...

you've gotten some great advice, and it sounds like you're doing just fine from your post as it is. i would say a few things could be going on. 1) a new sibling arrived, and it's a girl! and mommy is a girl, and maybe now he thinks being a girl looks pretty fun and exciting, so he wants to be one too. 2) on the other hand, you say he's been exploring opposite gender since he was 2 or so, so it may have nothing to do with the arrival of his little sister. so, it could be that he is showing the beginings of being gay, or of being gender-switched, or of just being a really sensitive guy who loves "feminine" things. maybe he'll be an interior designer. j/k. 3) it sounds extreme, but the third possibility i see is that there is something genetic or biochemical going on. as far as gender goes, people have a genotype and a phenotype. it is possible for a person to be genotypically female and phenotypically male, and vice versa. the only way to test this is through very specialized genetic testing, and it's unlikely that your insurance will pay for it. however, it might be worth knowing.
for now it sounds like you are doing the right thing in allowing him to explore his identity and figure out all this gender-role stuff that society and culture throws at him. fyi, my brother used to wear my mom's heels and dresses and stuff, and now he's a strapping uber-hetero 18 year old with raging hormones and a passion for all things male: beer, cars, girls, graffiti, etc... not to stereotype. so it may be just a phase, it may be a harbinger of things to come. only time will tell. he'll be lucky to have such an open-minded and loving supportive mom as you obviously are no matter what happens in his life. good luck!

S.

Dear K.,

For one thing, stop listening to family and friends, "where did they get their medical degrees?". Sorry, I do sound mean, but really, this is a very serious matter and you need professional guidance from someone who DOES have a medical degree.

Probably, you are on the right track using your own wisdom. But, you do need lots of information about how to handle this, and to hear stories about other children who do this sort of thing. If I were you I would go to see a counselor for at least one visit to get pointed in the right direction with your own research.

If you try to change him, then you are going to be giving him a signal that he is "wrong" and something is not right with him. So if you want to you could redirect his attention, but if he is in the middle of play, then wait a bit and find something that would be interesting to him to see if he will leave that situation.

He may be a very talented and inventive person that is going to be an artist or designer or architect or someone that will make this world a better place through art of some kind. Maybe he will be great film director or actor, or who knows what. Those kind of people need a certain kind of parent who can be supportive and it sounds like you are one of those who can.

Go to the library with him and find books with beautiful paintings. There are a lot of books with beautiful plants and flowers - those illustrations could influence him one way or the other. Get him some paints and set up a 'studio' with an easel, you know, a kid's one, and use poster paint with some liquid soap in it and put a tarp on the floor - and see what he will do. It will be fun to discover what your son's talents are - maybe music. Get a piano. You don't have to spend a lot just an old one that you can resell if he decides that it doesn't interest him. Go for it, and lose the fear.
Sincerely, C. N.

Hi K.,

I am sorry that I don't have any advice for you other than you have an amazing attitude. It is refreshing to see. You love your son no matter who he is! Too many times people try to change them. It looks like you are going to do a wonderful job nurturing the little person you have! Your road might not be the easiest one but it will be rewarding!

Good luck!
A.

well it's good that you're open minded. i think you're on the right track in just supporting him. you could try counseling, but he is who he is. i've seen shows on transsexuals, and transgenders, and most of them say that they knew at a very early age that they were different, or didn't feel comfortable in their skin. just try not to judge, or make him feel bad about it, it might just be something that he can't help. good luck, and don't let anyone alienate him.