5-Year-old Girl and Gender Identity-- WWYD?

Just let her be. Work on helping her like herself. I would not let her change her name to a boy name...that's just me.

Well, I would not worry about it right now. My son was into girl things up until age 6 or so, but he still prefers to pretend to be girl characters from cartoons (like My Little Pony's). When he was 5 he would tell me he liked girls better and wanted to wear skirts at times (this was before Kindergarten) and his favorite toys were things that were cute. He is 8 now and he still relates well to girls and cute/sweet characters. He does not like fighting boy shows (like transformers) and he prefers sweet shows. He likes Hello Kitty. He has friends who are girls and likes playing with them. BUT his best friends are boys and now he no longer wants to dress like a girl...he likes legos and spy gear the best. He gets crushes on girls all the time. So...things change. He has always related better to girl things and just this year he asked me why the other boys don't like girls like he does. I also want to say if it were me I would not do anything. If she stays this way in life and always wants to be a boy just love her and accept her for who she is.

Here is an odd suggestion just in case she really is having gender identity issues, and not just 5yo issues.

Rent "Ma Vie en Rose." It's french and subtitled, but a really great watch. It's about a little boy in France who knows that he really should have been born a girl. The story is essentially his struggles with his family, school, and neighbors until he is accepted as who he thinks he is. It's sweet, endearing, and heart-wrenching.

It sounds as if you have a great attitude. Just by supporting and loving her, whoever she is, you are giving her a great gift.

Sweet mother she is five!! Chill.

Okay seriously folks, I said I wanted to be a boy at that age because they didn't have to wear shirts in hot weather!! She is five!! Boys have all the cool toys, they don't have to wear shirts, god at her age I wished I was a boy though I would have been just as happy to not have to wear a shirt.

You never asked her the important question, what makes being a boy cool?

I would not be concerned at this point, she's only 5. I was a rough, tough tomboy when I was little, and wanted to only play with boys and be just like them (even cut all my hair off once..mom looooved that).

I think counseling at this stage is inappropriate, and it doesn't sit well with me to jump to any possible gender confusion disorders just yet. Maybe keep this in the back of your mind and re-visit years from now if it still continues. It took me quite a while, but I turned out ok, although I still do a lot of tomboy things, and I still prefer to hang with guys over girls. But I'm fine with that. :)

Awww....just love her and tell her she's beautiful, strong and awesome just the way she is (Which is how you feel obviously!)

Be open to more conversations with her.

I think it's a little too early to play the counseling card.

As a child psychologist, I couldn't help but comment on this one. First, I LOVE that you allow your daughter to be who she is! Second, lots of children go through phases where they identify more with the opposite sex. It doesn't mean that they've been abused and it also doesn't mean that they are gay. Gender identity is actually different from sexual identity/orientation. She may simply grow out of this phase and never mention it again. However, she may continue to talk about it and continue to express her desire to be a boy. I would just recommend that you keep being open minded with her and supportive of her like you have been. Down the road you may want to see a professional who specializes in gender issues with children. They can help you navigate this difficult terrain. I hope some of this helped.

"The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself." www.themommypsychologist.com

I'm wondering, Does she have a lot of boys in school/neighborhood that might be an influence on her and how she is perceiving girls? IMO a councilor might be in order. If she is having self esteem issues it's never a bad thing to be able to talk them out with a qualified professional, and if she is gay or is confused about gender identity, she would benefit from a councilor for that as well.

Incidentally, when I was 8 or 9 or so, I had a female friend who insisted she was a boy.Not just wanted to be a boy, she believed she was a boy. We thought she was crazy or just messing with us. By the time we were teens she was still claiming this. We just figured she was gay. I lost touch with her over the years, but through a mutual friend was reconnected. Today "she" is a 40 year old man, finally comfortable in his body. I'm glad I still call him friend.

I loved all things boy, playing with the boys, anything with balls, the boys were scared of me during kick ball. I had michael jordan on my wall instead of buns and roses (haha if any of you remember that poster, my sisters had it on their wall though) I loved he-man and the ninja turtles. I hated dresses, ugh still do and my favorite thing to wear is jeans, a hoodie and tennis shoes. I even wished I was a boy because boys were cooler and now Im a mother to two adorable little ones with an awesome husband who admitted that part of him falling in love with me was because I could beat him and all his buddies at video games. I wouldnt be concerned some of us just think that hair and dolls suck.

I read the first few paragraphs of your post and thought that I'd reply that you have nothing to worry about, she's just a kid and exploring colors and activities, etc. I have twin girls who will be five in a few weeks and one is totally girly whereas the other says she's a superhero. She definitely identifies with more boy type toys and doesn't want to be a fairy or a princess, she wants to be a knight or a superhero. But she's happy that she's a girl and likes her long hair. I was assuming your daughter would be somewhat similar.

But when you got to the point about her not liking herself because she's a girl... well... that gave me pause. I don't know that you need to be super concerned, but it would bother me too if my daughter said that. I wonder if you can show her positive female role models? Read the Annie and Jack series of books to show that both Annie (who's 7) and Jack (who's 8) are strong and positive characters. Talk about Amelia Earhart and other strong women, maybe some who were also somewhat feminine. I don't know if it would work - but it seems like maybe she needs to know that it's ok to be a girl and that she has value as a girl. If she goes to school I'd even talk to her teachers about how she's interacting with other girls and whether they're all the simpering whiny types or if there are any "girl power" girls she could be steered towards.

Edited to add: I don't think you're overreacting. I would probably talk to her doctor about finding a counselor if your daughter continues with not liking herself because she's a girl. Wanting to be someone else is one thing, but not liking yourself because you're not worthy (because you're a girl or short or light skinned or whatever) is something else entirely.

I think your daughter is young and is probably obsessed with something about being a boy--as many young kids become obsessed about something! I know young children of both sexes who become very obsessed with being something. Some become obsessed about being a superhero or an animal, some want to be princesses, some want to be sports stars etc. This is why you see so many kids around the age of 5 running around in public wearing costumes! I think it's adorable!

I also think your daughter hit the nail on the head when she said "girls are dumb" because in a lot of TV shows and such they DO portray girls as dumb!! Girls are portrayed as silly, or obsessed with makeup and hair. They giggle, they are airheads. And in the superhero cartoons the leader with the most super powers is usually a male. It sounds like your daughter may value things like strength. Her role models are male, so it's no wonder that she wants to BE a male. I don't know that it has anything to do with gender confusion as much as she is figuring out who she is and who she wants to be.

I think your daughter needs to be exposed to some strong female role models. Not to crush who she is, but to show her who she can become! Society today is FULL of strong male role models. We need some female ones!

I remember when I was little I wanted to be white, blonde and blue-eyed. I was so upset that I was a different nationality! In the height of the 80s, blonde and blue-eyed was where it was at! If I could have gotten an operation to turn me white I would have! There weren't any minority role models for me. There weren't any dolls that looked like me. At one point I wanted to change my name to a more "white" name. I think I was in first grade.

So I think exposing your daughter to some Girl Power might help. What kinds of things is she interested in? Can you find some strong female role models for her? I wouldn't do it to crush who she is, but rather show what's possible. It's okay if she really wants to be a boy, but it shouldn't be because "girls are dumb."

Good luck!

When I was 5 I tried to get my parents to change my name.

To Mickey.

After the mouse.

Didn't want to BE a mouse, but he sure seemed to be having fun all the time and with a name like Mickey - I would too!

I don't think this is "gender identity". If she tells you that she feels like she's in the wrong body - or that her mind and body don't match - THAT is gender identity.

This is a tomboy who is a tomboy for the reason I can only guess girls become tomboys - boys get to play in the mud, have less societal rules and generally are easier to play with.

Maybe the next book you read together with her could have some strong female lead characters?

kids at 5 are just finding there likes and dis-likes. She has a strong personality. That doesn't mean she wants to really be a boy later. She might just like boyish things. At birth, we are put in a category by everyone. Boy or Girl. We are given pink things, frilly things, and feminine things from day one if we are female. We are given and treated a little differently if we are boy. So for 5 years she was given what was normal. She might just want to balk the system. I think right now, shes looking to change up the order of things. You might have a great mind on your hands!!! Counselors are defiantly a good idea if you feel she doesnt respect or like herself, but since she watches boyish cartoons and tv shows. She likely heard it on those cartoon that girls are dumb, or gross. Because the BOYS say it. I think your doing fine, and your mental attitude towards it is great, just be supportive, and she may just turn out to be a very happy and well adjusted female with hetro feelings, and since your ok with homo sexuality. Then she has a wonderfully, supportive mom to help guide her in her choices later in life.

I was a serious tom boy in my early years. Enough so that my dad, took me under his wing like a boy, over my very boyish brother. MUCH to my mothers dismay and fear. Two older sisters that were very girly girl. I grew up with mixed feelings about sexuality but in the end, I am Hetero, with some feelings for the opposite sex, but not enough to experiment or be. If that makes sense at all.

If I were you...I would call a counselor who specializes in gender identification. Not because I would want to change my child...but because you need someone who not emotionally involved in this. To help you, guide you and and your daughter to make a decision the both of you are ok with. Someone to bounce ideas, feelings, questions off of.

I would be concerned myself...and I don't mean it negatively which is not what I think you mean either. I mean that this is not something to be "swept under the rug"...

My son once said "I wish I was a girl"...I asked him "why do wish you were a girl"...him "cause "sissy gets to spend time with you for girl scouts".... I started spending more time with him and I just doing what he wants...sports! so end our conversation on gender identification.

Call the doctor see if they can recommend someone.

Hi N.,

I agree that this sounds more like a self-esteem or self-identity issue than a gender-identification issue. A child with gender identity will FEEL like they SHOULD be the other gender. It sounds like your daughter WISHES she was a boy.

Interesting.

I might try to find other girls to role model who AREN'T dumb. If you think about it, many of the "female" role models have extremely stereotypical 'dumb' attributes. So, could you find some real life examples of girls who are smart and/or excel at what they do? Mia Hamm comes to mind, but that's from years ago.
Maybe also - find example of some (cartoon or character) boys who ARE dumb and then you can emphasize that how they act has nothing to do with gender. That there are dumb and smart and capable and silly in each gender.

Just my $0.02

There are so many social messages that boys are superior to girls, and just because no one comes right out and says it in doesn't mean the message don't sink in. Yes, this message is all over the mainstream. But sadly, many hard-core feminists unintentionally give the SAME message by rejecting anything associated with being "girly" I can't tell you how many times I've read "we'd *never* dress her in pink - yuck". And I want to holler, "Why? What's *wrong* with pink?"

Well, based on what you wrote here, I am going to guess that you understand what I am getting at: Even people who *really* reject the mainstream still end up accepting the message that "girly" = inferior. And miss the fact that by correlation, "girl" then becomes inferior too. Again.

Gender identity issues are *hard* for parents, but my suggestion would be to first examine the messages she gets - all of them. Find some girls and women she can look up to who are *still* feminine. Not because she needs to be feminine. It's okay if she isn't. Ever. But so she can see all kinds of ways to a powerful woman, including ways that don't reject things equated with being a girl.

Well, I hope that made sense.

And I know you know this, from what you wrote, but make sure she knows you love her no matter what. This may have nothing to do with gender indetity. But if it does - it's hard hard hard stuff for parents - because we can *see* that our children's bodies are "perfect". But it's even harder for the child struggling with knowing their body is far from that. And she needs need to know Mom's got her back. No matter what.

Good luck to you.

I wouldn't be concerned since you love her for who she is and seem very open to letteing her be her own person anyway. Just continue to let it all pan out as you have been with unconditional love and acceptance. You'll know if it ever gets to a point where she needs a professional to work through identiy issues, or basic self-esteem stuff (like in her teen years or something).

Reminds me a lot of a cousin I have, all the stuff you say your daughter likes. My cuz was always obsessed with boy stuff growing up (power rangers and TMNT.. then grunge music, guy cartoons, x-files as a teen) she grew into her own style of dressing boy-ish and has had a boy-short hair cut since her teens. I don't recall he ever "wishing" she was a boy, we didn't have that close of relationship, so who knows? As an adult she has stayed consistent with her style and has a serious boyfriend. She's not anywhere on the LGBTQ list that we know of... some people just have their own style :)

Well my first thought was, well a lot of the stuff she likes is boys stuff, so of course she might think being a boy is better!

I wouldn't read too much into it. My best friend daughter told her just the other day, "I wish I was a boy, they can hit the ball and run faster than me."
(She just started playing t ball). More than likely, she ran across something that was geared towards boys and thought, "Man boys have all the cool stuff? Who would want this stupid barbie?" :)

My 5 year old son has said that he wishes he were a girl, because girls get to have babies (I'm pregnant) and he thinks that's cool. Also at an Easter Egg Hunt he was given the chance to pick a prize off a table, and he picked the pink plastic purse with candy necklace and bracelet. I just assured him that I love him for him, and I left it at that. I don't think it's anything to worry about right now, they are just realizing that boys and girls are different, and trying to figure out where they fit in the grand scheme of things.

I would put her in counseling IF it progresses and she seems seriously upset with herself. Some gender identity counselors will full on encourage her and you to let her become a boy, change her name, raise her as a boy and all that. Others, will try and have you fix her to be more girly and suppress her gender issues. From research I have seen, neither are good options and can either depress her or push the situation further than it might naturally have become, so I would seek a counselor who specializes in gender identity issues in children that respect that balance.

For now though, I would just try and help her see the beauty that she is and who she is. So, she does not feel the need to change her name or her body image, and to let her develop naturally into who she will become in the future. Help build up her self esteem, help her learn about strong women in history.

That sounds like at some point someone said something to your daughter like " girls are stupid" or " boys are better than girls"
Is there a chance maybe her dad or someone of father figure , or grandfather somehow , even unknowingly gave her a I wish I had a boy vibe?
That's what this sounds like to me .

I agree with all the posts saying not to get too worried at this age, and to let it go right now. But at the same time: Watch her for other signs, not related to the "I want to be a boy" issue, of depression or very low self-respect, such as bad-mouthing her own abilities ("I'm so dumb, I can't do anything, I'm bad at (whatever activity), I hate myself" and so on). If you are hearing those kinds of things, regardless of whether it ties to the interest in boyishness, do get her evaluated -- not for gender issues but for depression.

You might want to get some good, solid education for yourself (which means from a doctor, not randomly on the Internet, where misinformation is rife) about young children and gender, and young children and depression and self-image.

Also, you do not mention if she plays only or mostly with boys. Does she? Does she play with some girls and if so, what do you notice about how she plays with boys versus how she plays with girls? Her talk of wanting to be a boy may stem in part from liking the things the boys play and possibly being left out or even teased some by girls who don't get her style of play. My daughter at five would have said she preferred playing with boys because no girls wanted to do pretend swordfights or stage elaborate battles. She still does those things but is also a serious ballet dancer (and still hates pink).

And as someone else pointed out, does she see shows or movies with strong female role models and female "action heroes"? There is a new Pixar movie coming out, "Brave," that is about a chieftain's daughter who wants to prove that girls, not just boys, can be leaders and heroes. That may be the kiind of message she needs. Monitor what she's watching carefully and check that the messages aren't telling her boys do the cool stuff while girls....don't.

I don't think I would go the counseling route at age 5 unless you see serious signs of depression or other issues. I would continue supporting her and letting her be who she is and letting her dress how she wants and play with what she wants.

I'm wondering what leads you to believe that she has "serious self-esteem issues" based on what you've shared??

My daughter will say she doesn't want to be a girl because she doesn't want to grow breasts and have periods (she is 10) and be pretty serious about that. But, she does not identify with being a boy, either.

In the end, you are the best judge of how your daughter is doing. If you feel she needs help, then find it. I would want to be very careful about the person I chose for a counselor for this issue, as some come with their preconceived notion of outcome desired.

Well I don't necessarily think you are overracting, as much as I try and let my kids embrace other gender "roles" and toys, I would probably be confused after a conversation like that with my daughter too.

I will say that in my opinion children who are gay know very early on. Perhaps your daughter is gay and doesn't exactly "know", because I think she might be kinda young for that concept, but maybe she's just acting or reacting in ways that make sense to her even though she doesn't really know why. I'm sure I'll get plenty of flack for that comment, but it's how I feel. Although let me say that I am not convinced that is the case for your daughter, it did cross my mind.

Is she in school yet? If so maybe I would contact her teacher or the school counselor/social worker and get some help/ideas. If she's not in school yet then I'd probably talk with her pediatrician and see if the doctor can give you any advice or even refer you to a counselor of some kind.

At the end of the day, maybe she's just being a kid and it's a phase and although I'm not sure "concerned" is the right word, if I were in your shoes I'd be asking the same questions.

I was a tomboy and liked all boy things when I was little because I had an older brother and Like Jo below I wanted to be a boy so I could take my top off too. I also wanted to marry my brother. I grew up to like boys and not have incestual feelings. I'd J. keep talking lightly and keep and open mind. If she gets oldr and says these same things then I'd pursue the therapist. Does she have an older brother that she adores? Des he get more time with dad? I used to act like my brother to try and get any attention from my dad

You know, it's possible your daughter may have gender identity disorder. Or, she may just be an extreme tomboy, like you said. But either way, she'll still be the same cool, impressive kid she is.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't think being uncomfortable with one's biological gender is necessarily a sign of low self-esteem. It's more like a confident way of saying, "I'm ready to let the world know who I truly am." Honestly, you seem like an amazing, wonderful, fantastic mom. I think everything you've been doing to date is 100% right. I just think you need to keep on that path and not assume that because your daughter knows she's a "snips & snails girl" rather than a "sugar & spice girl," she doesn't like herself. It's more like she doesn't like the stereotype that other people are trying to assign to her.

So, why not let her use a different name? If you're more comfortable with it, you could look for a boyish (or less overtly girly) nickname for the name she already has.

When I was 5 I was very much happy with being a girl and played with dolls and liked being dressed up in bows in hair and dresses, etc. But when I was about 9 I climbed trees, skated, played marbles at school with the boys, walked around with thumbs in my front jeans pockets like a tough 'guy' while I played with my 2 younger brothers. All the while I had a terrible 'crush' on a boy at school so it was just a phase. I was both and also played 'house', etc. I would let your daughter know how happy you are to have a little girl and how she can do this or that with you and then take her places with you and other women and girls and just try to let her know how you love her as a girl. As for panic now I wouldn't unless it continues that she wants to be a boy and keeps disliking herself. Then you need to find out why she dislikes herself.

Well we do treat girls as second class citizens. We have way lower academic expectations for them, we define math and science as boy things, we define active play as a boy thing, we define all colors except pink and purple as boy colors. What is amazing is that all girls don't want to be boys. If she identifies as a boy she might be transgender (remembering that this is rare). If she doesn't like the constraints she lives by because she is a girl - she is probably just more perceptive than the rest of us. Take a look at the pigtailpals blogspot.

Let her identify as a boy and see where it goes from there. She may indeed be transgendered. Every trans person in my life (and there are several) say that they knew form the time they were small that they had the wrong body.
Then again, she may find that she is not trans after all - just doesn't like "girly" stuff.
I'm not "girly" - in fact, according to my daughter, I don't do anything even remotely feminine. But I am all woman nonetheless.

My little brother is going through teh same thing, says the same things about boys, I think he needs professional help, But I dont have that power seeing as how I am not his mother, but I know his issues are deep.

I wouldn't worry too much about this at five. I would definitely ask her why she thinks boys are cooler than girls, and keep letting her know that girls can do whatever they want (personally, right now I think there's a lot more freedom and acceptance for girls).

Kids that age tend to have a strong "girls do this, boys do that" mentality, whatever their parents say or do. It is part of figuring out gender identity, supposedly (look it up, I was surprised too). She may be relating her internal frustration/confusion with being a girl but liking "boy" things better, or some boys (or girls) may have made fun of her/excluded her because she's a girl. All the girls she knows may be doing boring things (like playing dolls/house/complimenting each other's clothes) and the boys may be telling her she can't play trucks because she's a girl.

Before you go to a counselor, try to talk to her a bunch more times, and please don't start worrying about gender reassignment at five!

Old cartoons have some actions and language not pc now days, like Tom and Jerry. My kids love that cartoon, but it can be violent now that I see it.
Old movies are like that too, I got Back to the Future the other day for my almost 8 yr. old because I remembered it to be a nice movie, well, it is but it has a lot of bad words in it, so most of the movie I had to explain to my boy that things were different in the 80’s, many things didn’t mean the same, etc.
All I can say is to monitor what your kids watch and be on hand to explain, and if you haven’t watch something since your childhood, watch it before you show it to your kids, things were different back then and we just remember the good feelings of childhood.
Good luck to you!

Well, I wouldn't be OVERLY concerned, but I would start being more aware of what is said and done in front of her. For example, has your husband ever been shopping and you showed him a shirt you liked (for him to wear) and he said "I'm not wearing a yellow shirt"? Things like that, that don't even INVOLVE your daughter, could be part of where this is coming from. And part of it may just be that she is more comfortable not in a dress. And that boy stuff IS cooler than girl stuff, lol.

If you have netflix, see if she likes "Jackie Chan Adventures". My daughter LOVES it. And there is a "cool" girl character, too. She also hates to wear dresses or skirts, or any kind of shoe that isn't practical and comfortable (sneakers, flip flops--and not pink sparkly ones either). She would live in jeans and not care if that was all that was in her closet. She likes dark colors and never chooses pastels. If she does happen to have a pastel shirt on, it is blue or pale purple (don't dare call it lavender, lol). She will wear bright colors (think tye-died).

My daughter is 10, and she does martial arts. She likes to ripstick and skateboard, and roller blade and ride bikes. She has NEVER enjoyed dolls. Every blue moon, I "catch" her with a polly pocket out on her bed... but she acts like she is embarrassed by it. We've told her that there is nothing wrong with her liking pollies... and asked her why she feels like she needs to hide to play with them--she denies hiding, or denies playing with them.

I think some girls just like being "tough". I did. And I hated dresses and panty hose and heels, too. And I loved climbing trees and horses and dogs and go-karting and trampolines. And I tried to jump bike ramps with my brothers. I even would challenge my brothers in bench pressing when I was about 10.
It doesn't mean she won't grow to love her feminine side, too, later. I STILL am not someone who wears "accessories". I feel awkward. Even my daughter will tell me "that's not your style", and she's RIGHT. My "accessories" are my watch (classic gold/silver-nothing trendy) that I never take off, my earrings (pearl studs) that I never take off, and a necklace (that I rarely remove except to clean or switch to another simple white gold chain with a sapphire pendant on it). These don't get changed daily to match my outfit. Being "accessorized" for me is putting on my Brighton charm bracelet and a dash of perfume. That happens once every few months maybe.

Just be aware of the differences that actually do exist for girls/boys and let her know/see that it is okay for girls to do those boy options too. Run. Play. Have short hair if she likes. Take a competitive sport. Don't make her keep dolls in her room if she doesn't like them. Don't make her have a pink bedroom, or flouncy curtains or lace dresses. Let her be her (as you have been doing) and tell her that OF COURSE girls can do ____, because she is a girl and she IS doing _____. :)
Hang in there.
I know it can be frustrating.

Right now, my daughter has nail polish on one thumb (it is dark purple) and her toes (they are actually red)---and the toes are only b/c she had a sleepover and she and her friend painted nails while hanging out in her bedroom.

I don't think it's a self-esteem issue. I think you just need to embrace who she is and see where that takes her.