5 Months Pregnant and Fiance and Mother-in-law to Be Are Overwhelming Me

D.,
I think that being pregnant can make one a bit crazy! At least I can attest to that, as well as post-partum. I wish I had realized a bit not to take myself so seriously, and to take less stock in my volatile and intense feelings.
My thinking is that your fiance and his mother are your family. Whether or not you get married, they will always be a part of your kids life because this is their child and grandchild. Having someone overly helpful and wanting to buy stuff and feeling ownership really is sweet. What you need to remember is that this is your soon to be husband and your baby.
Most children growing up would be jealous to have so many interested parties clamoring to caretake and love them and I'm sure that this will only prove to benefit your child and give him/her the sense of love and stability every kid needs.
I've always thought that unless someone is hurtful, cruel or evil one can deal with a lot of purely "annoying" behavior. Your soon to be mother-in-law did a pretty good job raising your fiance, I'm guessing, and I bet she just wants to be a part of your beginning family.
Remember, hormones are powerful. That your folks feel the same way probably is reflective or their excitement as well as desire to spend as much time with their grandchild as possible.
Hope that helps,
D.

Dear D.,

First off, Congratulations on your engagement and pregnancy. These are both wonderful moments in your life that you should try to take the time to celebrate. On the flip side stress is not good for pregnancy and weddings and babies mean stress. When you add hormones to any situation it can create havoc on your ability to think and act rationally.

Regarding your fiance, Although you have not been together long from the way you describe it he sounds very happy and excited about becoming a father. This is a gift not to be sqandered. You are pregnant and carrying the baby but he is the father and once that baby comes you will be soooooooo grateful to have him for support, love, and help with the baby. I never realized how important a father's role can be until I would watch my husband rock my son at 2:00 a.m. and sing to him. Try to stop yourself for just a minute when you are frustrated and remember that he is on YOUR TEAM and that team will now include this baby and if you don't have to do things alone, the DON'T. :)

As for his mother, AKA your future Mother-In-Law. You DO have a right to choose your own nursery, clothes, toys, etc.. It is lovely that she wants to shower you with gifts for the baby but when it comes to setting boundries you must do that now. I would suggest you sit down with your fiance and have a real discussion about how all of these things will be handled and not just regarding the baby. IF you are going to have a successful future together you have to come to some agreement on how you will deal with all of you family members his and yours. Set up so guidlines you can both live with about how you are going to raise your child and then stick to them....NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE IN YOU FAMILY SAYS!

Remember, the most important thing is that you and your fiance are now going to be a family with this baby. Just the three of you. You all have to stick together and he must make your needs and the baby's need his highest priority right now and that means NO MORE STRESS FOR YOU!

I am sorry this went on so long but I have been there and you need support right now but you also need your fiance.

Good luck and I hope the rest of your pregnancy is easy and happy and enjoy your little one. :)

Something about hormones and pushy people that just don't mix!!!
I felt the same way about my sister in law when i was pregnant. Didnt want her dirty, smokey, drunk hands on my baby, plus she was just obnoxoius and always trying to take over.
I held it in until i expolded and then it created a problem in the family. It would have been better for me to do it, politley, quietly, with just her.
In the end tho i am glad I pushed her to the back burner. i was always stressed at what she would say and do when i was around her. Now I only see her at xmas. Horay!

hey there D. -
i liked what the other moms had to say to you, and also wanted to just remark that you hadn't known your fiance very long before you got pregnant: 3 months is shorter then the usual honeymoon period (about six months)that a new relationship gets before we realize who we're really dealing with: i want to caution you about getting married! if you aren't blissed out with your partner right now, during this, one of the most special times of your life, then how will it be when you're both completely exausted and sleep deprived when the baby comes along???? your lack of bliss in your relationship worries me, on your behalf. did he propose because you were pregnant or did you two honestly feel that you had found your soulmates? it's just my opinion, but eight months into a relationship is waaaaaay to early to be getting married. ask yourself if it would take a lot of pressure off of you to call off the engagement at this time and just focus on starting your new family with your baby and it's dad without that pressure. it doesn't mean that you don't love the baby's father, however give yourself time to be sure it's the right thing for you both to do before you BOTH find yourselves in a situation harder to get out of then into and also a situation that places a lot of pressure on you BOTH. kids don't care if their parents are married, they care if they're happy!
your mother in law: definately, you'd better start asserting yourself - kindly -and setting some boundaries. this can be done diplomatically and with sensitivity, but if you're all stressed out during this time it's BAD for you and your baby...some people just get upset and take things personally all the time, no matter how nice you'll try to be, but don't buy into that "i'm the victim" act of hers, because you can't change that she'll always be that way. i'd think a long time about the package deal that you're marrying into with her.
sure, hormones are playing a huge role in your feelings right now, but the way that you've described the facts of your situation (her overspending, etc. without even knowing the sex of the child!!!) speaks volumnes about the needs of hers she is trying to meet, all the while not meeting YOUR needs at all!!!
anyways, i don't mean to be a negative nelly but i don't like hearing you all stressed out! the other moms gave great advice about being loving and accepting and that's all a part of it, too...
best of luck to you, D.! i'm sooooo happy for you that you're having a baby, it's the best thing you'll ever do in your life :) you're going to be a wonderful mother and negotiating relationships with the baby's other relatives will be part of your own growing process! if what any of us moms said really resonates with you, don't be shy about writing back to us and continueing some dialogue (if your current friends don't have kids, you might start to find that they don't have have the full picture of what you're going through).
lotsa love!
smiles,
S.

Hi D.,

I sympathize about your mother in law, as mine is also intrusive. I have known her now for almost 20 years, and that really has not changed. She still buys too much for my kids, does things that feel like she is taking over decisions that I feel should be mine, etc. However, what I have really had to work on is feeling confident that decisions having to do with my kids and my household are mine, I can graciously accept her gifts but choose to do with them whatever I wish. Sometimes she gives my kids toys that I don't think are appropriate (fancy electronic stuff for an infant), but I just thank her and then find some way to give it away. It really truly is the thought that counts. And that is what I try to focus on. She loves her grandchildren. She wants to be involved with them. We have different values and different ways of being in the world, but all she is doing is being loving in the way she knows how. If you can stay strong and confident in your role and your right to be the mother of your kids, I think her behavior will annoy you less.

Secondly, try to think of things from the perspective of your child. How lucky this baby is to be born into a world where so many people already love her/him (so much so that they are already competing for attention!). This baby's family is already overflowing. So many children have so little, and it will make this child's life richer to have the love of two involved grandmothers.

Also, being pregnant is a special time and you have a right to ask to have your own needs attended to, including the need for peace and privacy. But don't cut out those adults who will be able to give your baby love someday.

With regards to the registry- You are not being selfish! Why don't you pick one store to register with your mom & friends and then take him along to another store to register with him. At least he wants to be a part of it, so include him in a way you feel comfortable. But spend the time with your mom & friends, you need that.
As far as his overbearing mom, you need to tell him that she is driving you crazy. Let's be reasonable here.. it is one thing for her to be excited but it sounds like she is being a little pushy. Do the same with her, include her in things you feel comfortable and if his talk with her doesn't mellow her out.. then you are going to have to talk to her in a nice but firm way.. Sorry you have to deal with this. Enjoy your first pregnancy! You will never have that first pregnancy feeling again,you should relax & be pampered. Good luck!

Whoa D.!

Well, you taught me about myself! I am so anxious to be a grandmother that I think I would like to go out and buy everything in sight, but I see that is not a good idea! Thank you for stressing that. I do think, even for a-can't-wait-to-be-a-grandmother, she is taking it to extremes, so I would do what other responders have said, keep what you really like, and save the rest for gifts or charity.

The one thing that really concerns me is care for the baby after it is born. You're 31 years old, you're perfectly capable of making care arrangements yourself, and you need to do what's best for the baby, which in my mind means the baby stays with YOU. Later in life, perhaps she can take the baby/child to nursery school or keep it while you and your husband go to a ball game or something, but for her to imagine that she is going to do day care over you being able to is just completely out of line.

Take your mom and girlfriends and go register as soon as possible. Perhaps this will slow her down a bit. And think of it this way, she's really helping the economy out!

Take care,

E.

Hi D.,

You've received a lot of great advice but I wanted to share my thoughts as well. First of all, if you are really sure that you want to marry this guy, you need to let him be involved with this pregnancy. Fathers can be very hurt if they feel we don't trust them or want them involved with their children. The biggest fights I've had with my husband since our baby was born are when I try to control his parenting and treat our son as "mine" instead of "ours." If he is a good, loving man then there is no reason to limit his involvement with your baby! Do you think you're having doubts about the relationship? Me and all my friends with babies did go register with the baby's father, although maybe it feels different because you aren't married? I'm just saying it's not at all unusual that he wants to do this with you.

Secondly, about the mother-in-law. Mine is a sweet, loving woman but also can be a bit overbearing. My father-in-law was also pretty possessive of our baby when he was new and he got some very hurt feelings over my not wanting to share him as much as he wanted me to. You really need to set boundaries now. Ideally your fiance should be the one to do this with her. Have a heart-to-heart with him and make sure he really understands how she's making you feel, and be 100% sure that he is in YOUR side and not hers. And then stand up for yourself when she says things to you that you are not ok with. I was pretty shy and go-with-the-flow before I had a baby, but that protective instinct kicked in the moment he was born, and now if she says or does something I don't agree with I have no problem telling her! For example, tell her that you really appreciate all the gifts that she has given you for the baby, but that you'd prefer to wait until after your baby shower to do any more shopping so that you don't end up with too much stuff. And don't give an inch on letting her watch the baby while you work! The best place for that baby to be is with its mother and you need to be very clear with her on that. All that said though, she is the baby's grandmother and always will be, and she clearly is going to love the child a lot, so do what you can to keep from alienating her. Peace in a family is worth a lot, especially to children. Keep that in mind when she's driving you crazy: it's better for your baby if you can find a way to get along with her.

My son is almost 2 now and I think my mother-in-law and I have worked out our issues. She knows it bugs me if she takes him out of my arms without asking, so now she waits until I offer. When he was first born I thought we would never work it out but it does get so much easier. If you ever want to talk more let me know! Congratulations on your pregnancy; being a mother truly is the most wonderful thing in the world, even with all the drama. You will be amazed at what a strong person you can become for your child!

Hi D., while I sympathize with you about the aggressive mother-in-law (I'm in the same boat), you also need to accept that whether you are with you fiance in the future or not, this woman will be around your child in the years to come. I also have a mother in law that is very over-bearing and gets INSANELY upset if confronted or challenged. The problem is that she means well and her heart is in the right place but I find it cloying. The best advice I can give you is to set boundaries. Instead of confronting her tell her that your girlfriends and you are going to register for gifts and they are doing it is a treat and taking you for lunch afterward. Make it clear that it is a special day for you and your friends and explain how excited you are to pick the things YOU want for the baby instead of getting gifts you don't really want. Hopefully she will read between the lines. You are basically going to have to be tactful (even if she isn't) because it isn't worth causing family strife. Just be very clear when she makes comments about having the baby that "No, the baby will be with me at work, I can't even imagine leaving him/her, I'm sure you agree as a mom!" Things like that, that make your point clear while being nice. Unfortunately these feelings of possessiveness will probably stay with you for a while so it's best to try hard to alleviate them somehow or you'll just keep getting upset....good luck!

Yes, you are being selfish--- incredibly selfish, in my view. If you don't want your baby's father and grandmother to be part of your baby's life, why did you choose to bring a baby into their lives? The child is not a "thing" that "belongs" to you, it's a little person, who will have a relationship with you, and with its daddy, and with its grandmother. It will have a different relationship with its daddy and its grandmother than you do, and I hope, for your baby's sake, that you learn to appreciate that before you hurt someone deeply. You are just lucky you have family (whether you want to call them that or not, they are your baby's family) who are so delighted to be having a baby, and who want to spend money and time and love on the child. The more people a child is loved by, the more secure the child feels. You don't have to love your baby's grandma in order to appreciate that your baby will love its grandma. Believe me, the baby won't see her as "pushy" and "aggressive." If you're upset that she bought you a bunch of baby clothes, why don't you tell her that you want to do some baby shopping, too, and that if she will take the money she intends to spend on baby clothes, and put it in a rainy day fund for the baby, then you can enjoy some baby shopping, too, and the money will be there for special occasions or emergencies. And if you don't want her to babysit every day, let her take the baby once or twice a week, and tell her that your parents want their turns at "grandparenting" too. If you don't know how she plans to feed the baby, because you are breastfeeding, then ASK her, instead of muttering about it under your breath. A baby is a joy to be shared.

Hi D.,

Well first of all it sounds as if you are not really into the father, are you sure you should get married? That might cause more problems with his mom, she might feel she has more say in everything onece you are offically part of the family. Atleast apart you and the father can make arrangments for visits, you can even say he has to be around when visiting grandma because you feel for the safety of your baby with her medical condition. If she refuses to understand than oh well, it is YOUR child and YOUR call. I totally understand the buying issue. My mother in law has lived with us most of our marriage (9 years) she was here when my daughter was a toddler and as I was pregnant with my son. She baught her, her first barbie and even her first bra at age 6! My husband is a huge mama's boy (youngest of 6) and never stands up for me or our children. I suggest not to marry into that family if you are so concerned. It sounds like you have a lot of support from your side, that's great, I never had that. Do what YOU feel is right. His mom is NOT the one going to raise your child unless you allow her to walk all over you. If she wont listen then you know what they say action speaks louder than words. Stay away from the family for a while so they will get a clue. Untill that baby is born it is ALL YOURS. Than he can have a say!

Well, I can tell you my Mom calls my little girl 'her' baby. I know she means in the sense that she loves her. I can also tell you that I am not a huge fan of my MIL and would feel probably similar to how you are , if she to call my daughter 'her baby'. I can completely understand her taking some of your joy, that very same thing happened to me. My MIL however was not interested in my child. I think she is excited about her grandbaby. I do think she could scale it back a bit, the but the only person that can make that happen without major conflict is your other half.
As far as what she bought for the nursury, it is YOUR job to decorate as you see fit, so she had better hope what she bought is fitting with what you choose. I would clarify that with your signifant other. A mommy gets to do that, not grandmommy, she has got to already. I would agree that she needs to back off quite a bit, but I do think based on what you are telling me, that is she is just overly excited!! As far as your other half is concerned about being part of it, I wanted my guy to be part of everything. I would say your not wanting him to maybe because you were not a long term couple before baby came you might be more interested. I don't think I helped you that much. Just know that there are people out here who understand your dilemma. Sometimes a MIL is just a little TOO in your face. Hang in there.

I am amazed by your attitude. You call your boyfriend your fiance so I asume you are planning to wed then you have to know that you have to think of both families in your relatioship not just your own. In a time that many men are not willing to step to the plate and even fewer families are wanting to be involved you have someone that really cares! As a young mother I was not able to have my family involved with my children and I was so greatful for all that my mother-in-law did. Now that I am the Grandmother and have that title with pride, I always think of my grandchildren as "ours" and they are cherished from the moment that I learn of their coming and start thinking of ways to make the baby's arrival special. I am blessed to have many children that are adults that I did not give birth to yet they want to share their joy and happiness with me. Maybe because you are an only child and didn't have to share you have the attitude you do. I hope that you are able to make adjustments because this child needs all the love and care that 2 families can give it. Maybe if you learn to give alittle and can share your feelings then the Grandmother will ease up a bit in her excitement.
NanaGlenda

just remember who the boss is-YOU! your man should know this is a womens thing.you need a female network now to support you.grandma's over the top.perhaps shop with her a little-but let her know that she's taking away from your pleasure ans responsibility as a mother.she's not the mother-even though i think she wants to be.You're the boss!