5 Year Old Girl Turning the Tables, Yelling, More

I have a 6.5 year old and an almost 4 year old. At times their behavior is less than desirable and similar to what you describe. We have found the How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk book a very helpful guide (includes sample dialogues, etc) when dealing with such behavior.

Best wishes, Victoria

Sounds like attention seeking behavior to me. When you go to punish her, don't engage. Simply guide her to her room. State what she did and that she needs to remain in her room X amount of time. Shut the door. If she does not get a response from you on this behavior, it will stop. Empathy at this point will not be effective, it will simply reinforce the tantrums.

When her time is up, go to her room and speak to her about the consequences of her actions, why her beh was inappropriate and reassure her that you still love her.

P.

There’s a really great book I would recommend called, “Parenting is Heart Work.” It’s by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. It deals with the heart of the child and the parent. It really helped me with my girls. Go to www.DealOz.com to find the best price.

J.

P.S. I just noticed another mom recommended the same book. :-)

Hi K.,
Don't question yourself. It sounds to me like your little girl knows what buttons to push. We have two little girls in our family who are 4 and 5 and I have seen them bring out every trick in the book to get what they want whether it's attention or to escape getting in trouble. Have there been any big changes in her life lately that she might be reacting to? When she's been good could you do something special with just her so that she feels important? I tell my soon to be 6 year old son that I always love him but I don't always like the way he behaves/acts etc.

T. F.

I'm pretty sure it's a normal phase. My first born who is an 8 year old girl didn't go through it, but my son who is 6 does that to me sometimes. If I correct his homework, he'll say "I can't do anything right." and things like that. He calls me a meaner all the time if he doesn't get his way. Maybe it's a younger child thing to feel inadequate to an elder sibling. He doesn't do it too often and I did feel the same way that his self esteem must be really low, but it may just be an attention seeking thing on his part.

Hi K.!
It sounds like you've got a strong willed child on your hands. The good news is, that she will likely be a leader and not be so quick to cave to peer pressure. A book that helped me ALOT was written by Dr. William Sears called "The High Need Child". I guess it's just a nicer way of saying strong-willed, because the forward described my strong willed daughter to a "T". When she was young like your daughter is, extra cuddle time seemed to calm her down and even keep her calm for a few day. Also, when she feels a situation is unfair, allow her to express herself in an appropriate way i.e. no name calling allowed or saying hateful things. Calmly explain to her why discipline is needed, hear her side, acknowlege her, then calmly continue on with the discipline. Reassure her that you love her and understand where she's coming from, but that discipline is still required. Also, focus on her good points whenever you can. Usually kids like this have control issues, allow her to control certain things, like maybe pick her own clothes and hairstyle for everyday things, you pick for more important occasions. That's just an example. Find something that you can bend on and pick your battles! Good Luck with her. Always remember what a blessing she is and remind her of that too!

I am no expert, but it sounds like she is learning how to manipulate you. Have you tried not giving this behavior additional attention? It's amazing how early children learn to exploit "parent guilt". I was the master of that as a kid. When she starts in on a tirade let her know you are not going to tolerate that behavior and if she continues she will have to go to her room or stand in the corner or whatever form of discipline that you use. After it's over talk to her and make sure she knows that you love all of your kids equally and that you are not singling her out. Like I said I am no expert, but it may be worth a shot. Good luck!

She is acting like any five-year-old. Just be patient and don't respond to her talking back to you and she will give up. Just tell her you love her and leave it at that.

My neighbors five year old boy pretty much acts the same with her. But he doesn't yell, he just says everything you are saying she says. But he will go off and hide in a corner and pout. That is when his parents have him. When he is with me he is super good. I think it is that he feels he isn't getting the attention he needs and deserves. When I am around I spend a lot of time playing with him and reading to him. Maybe it is a cry for some one on one attention from Mom and Dad.

Hi K.,
O am a GrandMother who raised 2 girld amd have 3 Grandchildren. I would like to offer my perspective in this for whatever you feel that iot is worth.
O am assing that this girl is a middle child so first you should consider that it may be a selfesteem thing from how the others react to her. It also might be a TV thing. How much TV does she watch and do you supervise the stuff she is allowed to warch or games she can play? And then it may be an inborn attitude.
Now my advice.
O kmow that parents today avoid physical pinishment. Sometimes that is a good thing but some physical discupline is necessarry. I guess I would come down hard on this behavior how ever you want to define hard. Let her know that it is totally unacceptable but that after tempers have cooled the 2 of you will have a heart to heart on how you are hurting her feelings and how you feel. She may give you great insight as to the why of her behavior.
What discipline actions have you tried? Some people find that rewarding good behavior works best.

S.

My five year old did the same thing for a while. He would tell us that we didn't love him anymore (still does occasionally) He would cross his arms when we would not give him something he wanted or if he had just got in trouble and tell us that he was leaving and never coming back. I always responded calmly and asked him where he thought he might be going, how he was going to get there, where he would live once he got there, how he was going to eat, etc... Kept it a conversation. He always decided he would stay :) If he was especially ugly about it and wanted to cry and yell, he would get sent to his room until he could calm down. He was aloud to come out when he thought he was ready to talk. This worked really well. It's not you, it's her age. It is harder with older kids as my 5 yr old is always trying to be the parent to our two year old. Drives me nuts!

I believe this is normal testing/challenging that all kids go through. Don't back down from your expectation and give in to the 'guilt trip' she's putting you throug. Spend some more 'fun' time with her. Go to the park. Have mommy/daughter day or daddy/daughter day. I highly recommend the book "Parenting is Heart Work" by Turansky and Miller. Excellent techniques for turning this behavior around now and preventing future issues.

My daughter is now 7 and you've described her behavior exactly, beginning at about that age. Thing is, she's a little better now. What changed? Well, at first I would feel really badly that she would say I don't love her or that she wanted to leave... Guess what?! That's exactly what they want you to feel - bad - so that the focus goes off of them and their punishment/behavior and changes to our trying to reinforce our love for them. I figured out this is basic manipulation when my friend pointed it out to me. My daughter is very smart but never underestimate the ability of a child. They can and do manipulate even from a very early age. What worked for our family is very similar to what others have written here. When my daughter is in trouble I remind her that it is HER behavior that is bringing consequences and it has nothing to do with whether I love her or not. I tell her I love her and put her in time out and we talk afterward. I warn you, it got worse before it got better (slamming dooors, banging on door when in time out, yelling from behind closed doors - all this from my precious girl who you would never expect it from). We now have an agreement that when timeout comes (they are fewer and further between now) we will not talk until 1) she has served her time and 2) she is calm (if we try to talk before this, it only starts all over). When we talk, I make sure to sit with her, talk calmly, and explain why she went to time out. If she says it's not fair, I ask her if her behavior was fair? What would she think if she saw another little boy or girl talking to her parents that way or exhibiting the behavior she had herself? This seems to be a way for her to understand by visualizing another child doing what she did. I ask her why she yelled and said I don't love her and she says she was mad that I put her in time out. when I explain that I didn't put her in time out but rather she did by exhibiting the behavior that caused her time out, she understands. Every time she ends up apologizing and ALWAYS ends with I'm sorry mommy, I do know you love me. It was the first time she said this to me, after my friend had explained her thoughts on the manipulation that I knew I was on the right track and it truly was manipulation!!!! Understand that your child is only trying to feel their way to how far they can get and what will and won't work. I was so taken aback by my daughter who I love with all my heart saying "You don't love me" that I began to focus on how could she think that and try to make it better. When my friend pointed out her observations and as soon as I stopped explaining myself and stepped away by initiating the time out method I spoke of above, the situation has pretty much petered out. Good luck. Know it's not you. Your child is just growing up... Best Wishes!!!

PS. Now the manipulation is mom i just want to talk about it. My rule is we don't talk about it until after time out (because she gets too heated)... but mom I just want to talk to you (tears!)... It's another method of delay and manipulation. I tell her that we will only talk after her time out is over and after she is calm and we do... Just wanted to add the PS so you know it's not over just because it's over... there are other methods... Just hang in there. You'll both get through it. My daughter and I have the best relationship and are very, very close so don't stress, it'll all work itself out. It's just part of them trying to grow up. The way I look at it is I'm getting the manipulation lesson now in the early years rather than being sucked in and manipulated in the teen years (though I have no doubt it will continue even then LOL but at least I have experience.) :-)