5 Year Old Out of Hand

Updated on June 10, 2009
M.H. asks from Canton, GA
6 answers

I have a 5.5 year old that is just out of hand. He refuses to listen to anyone and always appears to be angry about something. He crys when trying to fix something and is always pushing his 4 year old sister around. My husband is the same way but I know how to handle him. It's just the 5 year old that just won't conform no matter how many spankings and time outs we issue. Does anyone else have any suggestions?

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S.M.

answers from Atlanta on

"Cries when trying to fix things"? As in, getting frustrated easily and not knowing how to deal with it? It can be hard at this age, because they're often good thinkers, and may have a creative or clever solution but still don't have the skill to actually pull it off. Something like that maybe?

It sounds like you're finding that spankings and time-outs aren't working for you. Mine never responded to the heavy-handed approach, either. Every time I lost my patience or let him get me upset, or completely control a situation, or force absolute compliance, it backfired, sooner or later. Even if I got immediate compliance, there would be some unresolved anger that just stewed.
Sometimes it was all I could do just to remain calm.

Have you tried to get him to talk about why he's angry -what's bothering him? When my 5-year-old gets all cranky for no apparent reason, he's usually also unable to explain why. I try very hard not to let him emotions get me upset, too. A LOT of times, it's just that he's hungry (or low blood sugar level), because if I offer him some crackers and juice and just not bother him for 10 minutes, he perks up. (As a parent, you kind of get a feel for the different angry moods.) Sometimes it's lack of sleep. The worst is when he's upset over something that happened hours ago at school because you're not even aware of it. He doesn't want to talk about it - maybe he's embarrassed, but it's bothering him all afternoon, later he goes off on his sister for something minor. Adults do that all the time, too. (Imagine if your mother-in-law or friend called you and got you upset about something and when your husband or kid does something minor, you snap at them. And it's not them you're mad at!)

Model active listening by listening to him. And at this age, they often can't or won't express their feelings very well, so you may have to use your intuition, "listen" to their body language and moods. You know your child better than anyone in the world. Plus, after you listen to what he has to say and acknowledge that you understand where he's coming from, you can say, "I've listened to what you had to say. It's only fair that I have a turn to talk and you listen to my side." Kids have a strong sense of fairness, so that often works.

When he's still upset, I might try a couple of times to ask him what's going on, but sometimes he just needs a little space. If you're stuck in a car, put on a song that he really enjoys - something to distract him from whatever is bothering him. Wait until he's in a better mood and he's receptive to bring up the anger issues. (The school councelor uses puppets or dolls/stuffed animals to talk to the kids. Even though they *know* it's the grown up doing the talking, if they can avoid looking at the grown up directly and talk to the toy instead, they may open up.)

I tell my son that everyone has the right to be angry and even express anger, but it's not acceptable to (hurt your sister, slam doors, break things, etc.) There are many kids books about handling anger and disappointment.

Personally, I'm a book nut, so I hope you don't mind if I recommend "Positive Discipline" and "Raising Cain". It won't give you a simple formula like "1 2 3 Magic" or a little script like "Love and Logic". (Just say this sentence over and over and refuse to discuss anything with him. If he tries to explain anything, shut him down by "resfusing to argue.") Those "methods" just shut down any useful communication - can you imagine a marriage counselor giving advice like that? What if a friend was upset with you and when they tried to explain why, you said "I'm going to count to three. One..." or "I love you too much to argue." Please! Forgive my rant.

I hope you can figure out what's going on in his mind and get him talking to you. Hopefully that will get you back on track. Good luck!

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H.M.

answers from Atlanta on

First suggustion is to read the book 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan Ph.D. it was a great help to us. My second suggestion helped alot too everyday take 10 to 15 minutes minum with your son or your husband can try to make it the same time each day if posible.During this time do something your son enjoys uninterupted by anything!!!! He is the center of your attention.You will need to do the same thing with his sister. Within a few day you should see a huge differance. Best of luck you will make it though this.

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D.P.

answers from Atlanta on

I have a few thoughts. One is that kids learn by emulating the adults in their lives and a boy's father is the biggest example of behavior. Two is that spankings and time outs don't seem to be working so you need to move on to something that does. I would talk to the husband about the example he's setting for his son and the trouble you see on the horizon if his behavior isn't changed. Perhaps some family counseling. The library is a WONDERFUL resource for information and advice. And a "hands off" rule needs to be instituted. He DOES NOT get to lay his hands on his little sister -- that's just setting her up for her own problems. IF he lays a hand on his sister, his world as he knows it changes -- I would definitely get hubby on board for that, btw.

Good luck!

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A.R.

answers from Atlanta on

Hmm, "my husband is the same way but I know how to handle him." Sounds as if family counseling, and individual for you to learn ways of being in relationships that are not grounded in handling them would be helpful. I am NOT saying, you are wrong. I am saying that a marriage and parenting is meant to be about loving yourself and others, and from love wanting the best for each other. At 5 1/2, your son is old enough to be an active participant in a family setting that is safe, caring, nurturing, etc. Your daughter and you have the right to a home that is peaceful and happy. I am concerned about the messages that your daughter is (unconsciously) learning about males and their behavior.
I wish all of you peace and love,
A.

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A.V.

answers from Atlanta on

Love and Logic...Love and Logic....LOVE AND LOGIC!!! Get the book for kids under six, or books on CD. You can find them anywhere. My kids never resonded to time-outs, spankings, and worse...repeated unrealistic threats that I served up All day long.

Try this...the next time he freaks out say "I love you too much to argue". Then just keep saying it over and over. Don't respond with anything else. Yes, he will flip, but will have wasted no brain power in dealing with his fit. He will get tired of this game and quit. It does get better :-) Good Luck

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S.B.

answers from Atlanta on

The more you can learn about your son and deal with these problems now, the more you can help him not be an angry man and a bully. Ouch. Like his father. Ouch.
You mustprotect your daughter.
You have to get your son's attention any way you can. If your discipline is not working change it.
UP the ante. Easy on you, h*** o* him. No tv, video, computer, friends, dessert, sleepovers, toys (box them all up and put up high.)
Each day lay out rewards ïf you are obedient and do not hurt people we will 1. get ice cream 2. go to thelibrary 3. go to the park 4. watch your favorite show/movie. and then take them away one by one starting with the one you don't want to have to do! Oops, now we can't go to the park. oops. now we can't have ice cream. Genuinely sorry that he messed up but oh well, let's move on!
My son is now 24 and an amazing man. Toughen up mom! It's up to youto mold him into a happy guy wtih self control. You've got to be stronger than him. This is his life -- he is going to be a leader but can he lead the right way? Do you guys have a church? They offer discipline classes and counseling and great vacation Bible school - wear him out, keep him busy, chores, work, running running playing! Too tired to be poopy to anyone. Feed them and walk them my FIL always said.
Hang in there! You can do it!

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