5 Year Old Too Emotional

Children sometimes need our help with difficult emotions such as grief, sadness, fear, and anger. The world is full of men who were not helped, instead were told to "toughen up", and end up in our prisons or perhaps running our government. Of course if someone is beating you up and there is no adult around to help, you might have to hit someone to defend yourself, but these circumstances are rare, and there are usually much better ways to keep yourself safe. There are lots of possible reasons for why your son is emotional, but the most important thing to remember is that he is expressing a need that he needs help with. He could be experiencing anxiety related to the death of his brother, or picking up on your grief and worry. I would strongly recommend counseling with an agency that specializes in grief issues. It would also be great to help him find activities that he is interested in, where he can experience success and gain confidence. Please don't try to toughen him up. When he feels less worry and more confidence in himself, he won't appear to be so emotional, and other kids will see that and respond better to him. In the meantime, help him understand that sometimes people act badly because no one is helping them know how to act well, but you are so proud of him for knowing right from wrong, and you will help him to stay safe.

Dear C.,

I can certainly understand how concerned you must be for your son's development. I don't think, however, that under ANY circumstances you should EVER tell your son that it is okay to hit another child. If the teacher won't do anything about the behavior of other children in the class, then YOU need to contact the parents of these children and tell them that their kids are hitting your son! You should also try making a connection with parents in your son's class and arranging play dates outside of class so that you son can bond with these other kids and make a stronger friendship bond which will help him build confidence when he's in school. Telling him to stand up/speak up for himself is one thing but encouraging hitting is something else. Do you really want to encourage and promote this kind of behavior? Don't you want your child to learn how to solve problems without violence?
Another suggestion is to get your son involved in some activities outside of school with other kids... soccer team, hockey, art classes.... the old town school of folk music is fantastic, and even the chicago park districts have numerous options for kids and they are very inexpensive.

C.,

It sounds like your son is GIFTED. Most academically gifted children are sensitive. There are tons of wonderful books to read on the subject that I think would really help you understand your son and help be the person he is meant to be. (alot of which are available at the library) Don't try to toughen him up. Help him learn to deal with his feelings and his accomplishments in a positive light.

Best wishes,
K.

Some recommended reading:

"Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

"A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children" by James T. Webb, Janet L. Gore, Edward R. Amend, and Arlene R. DeVries

I'm so sorry to hear about your terrible loss.

Here is something to think about, and I hope this won't sound judgmental. It's actually based on something a friend told me about his memories of his childhood. When your son is 10, or 20, what memory will hurt him more? The memory of some mean kids on the playground when he was five, or the memory that his parents didn't accept the sort of person he was? [not to say that you don't - but you don't want to have him think that.] You can't make him less sensitive or emotional - all you can do is give him tools to understand and work with the world around him, and to feel comfortable in his skin. The first tool is self-confidence, and feeling secure. An environment where a kid is being hit and the teacher doesn't react, is not an environment where any preschooler can feel safe and secure! Talk to the teachers, director, whoever, or even switch preschools.

Some ideas for how you can help him to develop better peer relationships (not all at once, but just things to keep in mind.) Find out if there is anyone he likes, and set up playdates outside of school. Get him involved in other activities or social groups, like neighborhood kids (I also liked the martial arts suggestion someone else had.) Invite kids his age over for a no-special-reason pizza party. If at all possible, volunteer for something at his school - a field trip, or in the class - so you can see first-hand what goes on.

Hi C.,

My daughter tends to be timid so to help her self-esteem, we enrolled her in taekwondo. She LOVES it. Not only has it taught her to trust in herself and her abilities, but they also teach the kids to walk away from fights.

In her class, they focus on courtesy, integrity, honesty, indomitable spirit and one other thing I can't remember off the top of my head. :)

So it might give him more self-confidence while making him more "boyish" in your husband's eyes.

Plus, he might meet other kids with similar interests.

Best of luck!

M.