5 Year Old with Fear of Being Left!

he may have heard or seen something that frightened him... my daughter went through the same thing at that age, only it went as far as me stepping outside for a cig at home, and next thing i know, she's screaming MOMMY!!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!! MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAA! i'm like, omg, explained to look out the window and would never leave her alone, and if i do when she's older, she'll know. she still sometimes does this if i'm not where i normally am in the morning (outside or something, instead of in my room getting ready for work).

Children, like adults, feel frightened when they feel threatened or powerless. From what I am reading, the approach has been to try to reassure the child by telling him what you and other adults will or will not do. This still leaves the child feeling dependent on others to 'rescue' him. I would likely approach it quite differently.

First, I would be curious about if he is frightened of being left at church or school all alone, or, if he is frightened of being left alone with his peers without adult supervision. Instead of telling him this or that, I would start asking and investigating. I would ask if he saw something on television or if he had a dream that frightened him. I would ask if someone told him a scary story. I would ask if something happened with the other children or with one of the staff or administrators at the school. I would ask if there was something that you or your husband said that might have frightened him.

There are so many possibilities. When I was 4 my father worked at a gas station/mechanics shop. I remembered seeing barrels of spent oil there and they warned to smokers to keep flammables away from those barrels. One day my dad was caught helping a poor family by telling them how to change their own spark-plugs and where to buy them cheaper and was dismissed immediately. He called home for mom to come pick him up at work. What I remember is my mom answering the phone and starting to cry. Then she told us to get in the car quickly and that we had to go to the station because my dad was fired. I had no idea what 'fired' meant. I was horrified all the way to the station because I pictured them putting Dad into one of those oil barrels and setting him on fire. I was devastated until I saw Dad walking toward the car in perfect health.

When my son was 3 he suddenly refused to wear sandals and didn't like it when I wore any open-toed shoes. It wasn't until he was about 8 that he explained why he developed a sudden fear of sandals. It was a dream. In the dream he put on a pair of sandals and the sandals took control of his feet and legs and forced him to chase people and kick and stomp them, all while he was trying to stop. One dream and 21 years later he still does not own a pair of sandals!

When my son was in first grade, however, he told me that there was a boy at school that did not like him because my son had a sty on his eye due to an allergy. He said the boy told him that he was going to bring a knife to school and cut him from shoulder to shoulder and from neck to groin (by pointing to those areas, not naming them). At first I thought some kid was just a bit full of himself and trying to sound tough, but I told his teacher about it the next day. She took it seriously, had my son identify the boy from another class. When the principle and counselor investigated the situation, it turned out that this was an extremely troubled boy. His parents were divorcing and he was exposed to their arguments. They were not arguing over who would get to have custody, but over who had to take custody of the child. Weapons were readily available in the home and this poor boy was turning into a time bomb.

So, I would not be satisfied with thinking the fear was unreasonable. This type of fear is not necessarily a phase. I do not think most children go through such a phase, but I do feel that all children become frightened for what they perceive is a reason. Sometimes they have good reason and sometimes they have misinterpreted something. Either way, if you can find the reasoning, you can probably help.

Once you understand more, then you can help empower your child. Instead of telling him what you or other adults will do, I would ask what he thinks he should do if something might prevent you from getting to school on time. After all, what if you came upon an accident where a child climbed out of a car and was terrified. Would you not stop and help that child, call 911, and wait until help arrived before continuing on to pick up your son. Sure, you would do your best to call the school and notify them, but by the time your son got the message, he may have already been outside looking for you. Things really can happen that could make you late. Instead of telling him that this could never happen, I would make sure he had the skills to know what to do and how to do it. I would ask him if he knows who to talk to and how to get help if he thinks he needs it. I would ask whom he would like to ask for help at the school. For example, he might feel intimidated about the principles office or he may feel more comfortable talking to a certain teacher or counselor or secretary. If that is the case, you can arrange a meeting at the school so that he can be part of making a plan so he will feel empowered to know where to go and what to do if he feels he needs help.

I think that situations like this are wonderful teachable moments. It gives you the opportunity to help the child learn to analyze a problem, investigate the cause, understand their own needs and options, to devise solutions, and to ask for what they need.

If none of this works and you still feel lost, I would consult the school counselor for more ideas. In some rare cases a child might develop a panic disorder and doctors might leap to offering medications. I have found much success helping children with unreasonable fears or impulses by teaching them a simple acupressure technique called Emotional Freedom Techniques. You can easily research it online and find many YouTube demonstrations to help you learn it. In many cities, you can find a doctor or therapist that uses EFT as well. I would definitely try this natural approach before considering medications, if such help is needed at all.

Hope this gives you a bit more to work with. Blessings to you and your dear family.

I never went thru this but it couldn't hurt to read books like Mama do you love me, I love you forever, No, David where the point of the story is the unconditional never ending love of mama for her son. maybe it will help facilitate conversation and maybe you'll find out something started this like a bad dream, or a classmate's story or comment or maybe just that one incident at school started it. Hope you get advice from someone who's been thru this.
this is probably a crazy idea but has the nurse checked his vision? if there is a reason he didnt see you , vision problems could upset and confuse a young child

My 4 year old is currently terrified that she's going to be left at home by herself. Like the rest of us are just going to up and leave her here or something! I'm really hoping this is just a phase and that it will pass soon - as I'm sure you are too! Aside from reassuring them, I don't know what else to do! But I'll be keeping an eye out for the advice you get :)

He might have seen something on the news or heard someone talking about a child being kidnapped or found alone. You sometimes don't know what these things start. I would stand in the same place each day,if possible, so that he knows exactly where to find you. Give him a few more weeks and if it doesn't get better than ask a professional for help.
Good luck

It's a phase. My older daughter went through it around 4 years old. My younger daughter is 5.5, and she is terrified of being left at home alone (like we would ever do that?!). She is also terrified of being upstairs in the house by herself, or downstairs by herself. It's the strangest thing. We just moved into a new house, so I'm chalking it up to her having a hard time adjusting to the new environs, but... I don't know. Poor kid is absolutely freaked out about being left alone. Hopefully your kid and mine will get over this phase soon!!

Have Grandma pick him up sometime this week and see if he does it to her.

Just reassure him and do not play into the tears. PIck him up cheerfully. Tell him there is no reason to cry he knew you were coming. They may have read a story in class about a child who was left or something. If all the adults give him attention for this behavior it will remain.

Have you had his vision checked?
It occurs to me he can't SEE you (or whoever)
until you're immediately in front of him.
And of course wouldn't know how to express this.

my now 7 years old just to do almost the same,at 5, even at night if she woke up she start looking for us the entire house but my bedroom, once she opened the front door and went outside, (alarm and everything went on), at begining of this year she star asking me if I was ever going to let her home alone, I talked to her and reassure her that I have never left her alone and that I was never going to, I think she realize that's never happen before so she move on , I think is only a phase just talk to him and tell him to feel secure and remind him your love.

Have you had his eyes checked? You said that you were standing right in front and he did not see you. He might not be able to see and doesn't know how to express it. If that is not the case then I would take to his teacher and find out what happened on the day that this started and see if she can give you some insight on why this is happening.