My DS has always been a clingy one at bedtime. He wants a book, then another, then he wants me to "pet" his back, then he wants me to pet his back again, then he's up five minutes later asking for us to double check his room because he's scared.. the scared thing is something on the newer side. He has a night light, a dream light, and most nights we leave the hall light on! Part of me agrees with my husband that he is stalling bedtime, but when the tears start falling, I can't help but want to comfort him. My husband seems to think that making him feel like his friends would tease him or like other 5 year olds in his class are not afraid will make him stop the nighttime drama, but I worry it will shame him into feeling like he can't admit fears. My husband says a little embarrassment won't hurt, but will help him get over it. I disagree wholeheartedly. I feel like sometimes, yes he overdoes the fear of the dark thing a little but for the most part, I can't bring myself to be anything but comforting.
Anyone else having similar issues with their littles? How do you and your SO deal with it? Am I being too easy on him or is DH being too tough? Is there a middle ground?
Well, for the record, my husband is not a raving tyrant at bedtime, haha. He is stricter than I am but does not belittle or shame DS.
As for bedtime, we have discussed it and I also had him read the responses to my questions. We have decided to change up our bedtime routine a bit. Our routine has been as follows: put up toys, brush teeth, pick and read a book or two (in bed), check room, rub back in bed, whine for 30-45 minutes about being scared. We have started tonight, just by rotating the routine a bit to as follows: put up toys, brush teeth, pick a book, check room (we had him help with the room checking), read in living room, rub back in bed.
We have had about 45 minutes of whining that he was scared to which we stood together and I responded, "It's ok to sometimes to be afraid, but we checked your room together, and you have a night light, your dream light, and the hall light shining directly on your bed. Mom and Dad are right out in the living room, not ten feet from your door. I understand that sometimes we feel afraid, but sometimes you have to be brave even when you're scared. That's the only way that you can not be afraid anymore. I love you and I'll see you tomorrow."
He has continued whined about being afraid, but it is dwindling. This is only the first night though, I think the new routine, with all activities but sleeping done outside of the room will help in time. Also, holding to the same above statement each and every night let's him know that it's ok to be afraid and that we all are afraid sometimes but that we have to be brave too. We'll see how it all pans out.
ETA: Well, I think I may have answered this too soon. No less than 1 hour 20 minutes passed with DS rolling around crying, whining, and all around throwing a major fit about closing the nursery down the hall before my husband got fed up and put him on a time out. Yes, he turned the light on, took him out of bed, and put him on a time-out.
Well, DS threw a major fit, of course, and cried and cried about wanting to go back to bed, to which DH replied, "As soon as you're quiet, you can start your time out, and as soon as time out is done you can go back to bed." That is our normal time-out rule, it doesn't start until he stops wailing. After about 5 minutes it slowed to a whimper and DH told him he was starting his time. After his time-out, we both went in and discussed the reason for his time-out. He nodded, he knew what was up. Basically we told him the same thing as before, about it being ok to be afraid, but DH added, if he wants to extend bedtime, that's fine but it will be in time out. DS agreed that the behavior wasn't ok and got into bed and we haven't heard a peep since. We'll see what tomorrow night brings.
One thing we did that has lessened the "Mom, I need drink, go pee...etc"...drama is that we let him pick out his own sheets/pillow cases. He chose Spiderman...so he now says "spider man takes care of it!"...
Except at 3 am when his leg hurts...then well I get up and go into his room.
I don't like making my children "Fear or feel ashamed"...we spend so much time building their self esteem up why would we break them down?
No, making him feel ashamed of himself (whether his fears are real or not) will do nothing but make him feel worse, he's five not fifteen!
It's like when my son was terrified of the water. The older he got and the more we went to the pool and the more his friends called to him, why aren't you coming in? It's fun! So gradually he made his way. THAT is an example of healthy peer pressure.
I always let my kids have a little reading light on so they could "read" books to fall asleep, just like mommy. Does he like looking at books? Even if he's not reading yet I bet he would enjoy looking at eye spy books, or any picture books that you've already read together. You could also leave him with a pad of paper and some crayons and call it his "journal." He could draw pictures about what happened that day while he falls asleep.
Reading and writing/drawing are distracting and really good ways to wind down and go to sleep :)
I only have an 8 year old and 10 year old now, but I've been there, done that. I knew since the beginning I had to put my foot down at bedtime. I do not read to them while they are in bed. We usually "get ready" for bed outside the bedroom. Then at 8:30pm I take them to their bedroom, say a prayer and goodnight. Lights out, nightlight only and hall lights until we go to bed. Door propped open only about 6 inches. At the beginning when they would get up to say they were scared or "couldn't sleep", I used to walk them right back to their bedroom, immediately (do not stall), lay them back down, give them encouragement that it is ok and walk out again. It may take several nights but they will get used to it. I have several older siblings that have given me horror stories that I never wanted to go through. :)
The one thing you didn't mention is what time you start this routine & what time you expect him to be in bed sleeping. Could be that this routine is taking too long & that by the time he's expected to go to sleep, he's over-tired hence the long whining sessions. I have a couple of thoughts on the fear discussion & whining: 1) I think your reasoning & explaining of the fear is too long. Keep it short. 'I understand you're afraid but Mommy & Daddy are just a few feet away & you'll be fine' then walk away & 2) when he's whining don't stand there listening to it & talking him thru it. Say just once the above statement & walk away. Don't give it too much attention cuz, really, outside of his fears, this all sounds like attention-getting behavior. You could take 2 routes here: the positive & start a star chart for him where he gets a star for every night he goes to bed w/o whining. When there's no whniing, enthusiastically praise him & let him know he's getting a star. Maybe keep it in his room so he can see you putting the star on the chart. Whining for any lenght of time = no star. Say to him calmly,' you're whining. Sorry we cannot give you a star & walk away. 2) go the negative route: for each time you have to come in his room for the whining; a light goes off. Our 7 yr old tends to get out of bed frequenlty at night while hubby, older son & I are still awake & we use the lights out system w/him. All go off if he gets out of bed a second time. Our older son played/s the attention game at night. He talked very early & was quite articulate which my husband loved. Older son asks questions or starts long-winded conversations at night in order to sucker daddy (who loves nothing better than looong conversations!) into long chats & staying up later. He started this about 3 & at almost 12, Daddy still gets suckered by it! Good luck!
When I started having bedtime issues with the kids hubby started putting them to bed. I got to the office and get on the computer so I am not interfering. They are asleep within 15 minutes some nights and a half hour on others. They do of course have that occasional week or two where they are just not tired but every night by 9pm the kids are headed for bed and hubby is doing the work.
I suggest that you let hubby take over the bedtime stuff. You can make sure their teeth are brushed and other stuff, then say good night and let hubby take it from there. He'll do it his way and find out what you've been going through and he'll either change his way of thinking or he'll fix it and the kiddo will be going to sleep instead of the diversions.
