my mother was in remission of Liver Cancer, she had been battling for almost 3 years. Many surgeries. She was told most of it was gone, that they wanted to keep an eye on it though. She was so dang happy when I told her I was pregnant with my first. I had waited till I was 6 months along to tell any of my family and friends, cause I had a history of losing babies, so when I knew this one would be ok, I finally told her. She was ecstatic and went so over board. She was there for my first daughters birth, and was her wonderful grandmother for 8 months. Then she fell gravely ill after Thanksgiving. She was told it was the medications she was on for her Liver. She collapsed a few days later and they told her it was dehydration. She was in such pain that she was going to the doctors daily. By the week before Christmas she was going into emergency surgery to remove a baseball size tumor from her liver that blocked a bile duct and turned her septic.
We were not prepared to never see her again. She never recovered from surgery, was put in a medical induced coma until she passed right after New Years. I don't know if I liked not knowing about it. I still debate it, after 2 more children and 5 years.
I could have had more quality time spent. On one hand, I kinda am glad we didn't know this was happening, and her either. She was not aware of it till she got so ill. Happened so fast. She didn't fret or worry, there was no awkward talks or silence. That was all in the past. She lived life as she should have. Then on the other hand, I think. Could I have prepared myself for this ending better? If I had known, would it have been less hard on me at the funeral? One doesn't really know. All I know is I loved my mother and all her faults, and greatness with my entire heart.
her passing was one of the hardest hurdle of my life. I know though she surrounds me. Everywhere there is something of her. In my arms when I hold my children. There is her smile, some of her eyes, her personality in one of my kids. This is the legacy she left me.
Hold your children close. Tell your mother in any way you can that you love and support her, and try to enjoy the time you have been given. Dont have to talk about the elephant in the room all the time. I do know she needs you to acknowledge her illness and that you are trying not to dwell a lot on it is probably a good thing. Cancer just really sucks. There is no good thing about it.
Depending on your girls ages, they really don't need to know more than, Grandma is sick. If they are older they may need more info but I wouldn't overload them with it. They will know about it soon enough. If she is your mother, she knows its hurting you deep inside. She will see it in your looks and touches. Be as supportive as you can and that is about all you can do.
I don't see internalizing things as selfish, its coping... its what some do. Your doing ok!
