7 Year Old Daughter with Seperation Anxiety

I have a solution, but you're not going to be real crazy about it. You need to get tough with her. She has gotten attention and babied ever since she started this whole thing and it is making her more and more of a "clinger" rather than helping her get over it. Get tough; no more rewards, just punish if she makes a fuss. Let her know ahead of time that she is to go to school and not cry and that if she does, she will spend the rest of the afternoon in her room only to come out to use the bathroom.
It will be tough on you as well. That's why it is called tough love. You are both feeding each other's guilt and sympathy. If you can do this for at least a week; she will improve and you will be so glad you did it. You want to be able to drop her off and know that she is not going to cry, don't you?
I am a mom of 3, youngest is now in college. I know how it is!

It sounds like maybe she needs a counselor/therapist. Perhaps you can get a referral from your pediatrician and talk with your medical benefits company about what will be covered.

I certainly don't blame you for your young child's behavior, because as you said, it seems she's been wired this way from the beginning. That said, this has been going on for a long time (her entire life). So for you to go at this alone, even with the teacher's, principal's or secretary's help, doesn't sound like it's going to work.

I strongly suggest that you get her (and yourself) some help. A therapist will help not only give you some strategies for getting her off to school in the morning, but also work on a reward system for if she has a good day (this can be done with feedback from the teacher each day/week). Also, a therapist will be able to talk with your daughter one on one to help her work through/understand her anxiety.

Best wishes

I have once read about some African countries where the Mother's would respond to a child's distress without second thought. And meaning that continued for a while into the child's age, not just infants.

You knowing your child well enough, to know when she is actually distressed or just acting spoiled and crying is the key.

I am very fortunate to have the capability to stay home and not have to work. My daughter who just turned 8 and is in 2nd grade had some issues at school too and separation problems. I was in tears at times....and so was she. And low and behold my second daughter had the same issues for preschool. I began to recognize that I was the one with certain problems such as caving in to the pressures of society in like how we should send our children away and make them get over it and they would eventually come out of it.

These are my children that the Father Almighty has lent me, and if they want to stay with momma for a while longer, why strip them of that? It was painful for all of us. But because of the societal pressures we just cave in, otherwise we are failures. Don't get me wrong, if the child is just acting up to "get his way" or acting spoiled it's different. But when you know your child is completely distressed is when we should become very sensitive to it.

We decided to homeschool the children, and it has been one of the best choices ever made. They are socialized just fine with others by activities. And with mommy's disgressions which is nice. My oldest daughter has precocious puberty and that would have been even more of a disaster for her in school. She has become a very sweet, nice, lovely well rounded girl. She had no trauma in her life to make her feel those feelings she had. She was like that from a very early age.

Now, she will request certain away from mommy events. She is not affraid to be away from me. But you see they are things within her comfort level, and her choice. There are times when I need to leave her on my terms, and she is fine with that too. She just needed that extra time with momma.

Is homeschooling an option? I never thought I could do it, I am not the smartest cookie in the box. But we are, especially in these early developing years. We make it work.

Is homeschooling an option. Some children are more attached and she may just need more time to outgrow the attachment. There are a lot of homeschool activities and groups that you can get her involved in that you can be there, but that she is interacting with other children and other instructors. By staying with her a little while longer and letting her interact in a safer zone, she will be able to mature at her own pace and with less anxiety. Also see if she might be interested in an activity like swim lessons or gymnastics where she does the lesson, but you're right there watching her.

Anxiety?
Anything happen to her maybe?
Stress?
Trauma?
Phobias?

Have you ever spoken to your Pediatrician about it?

Yes, punishment will not work, since this is not something she can control... as you said.

I would really, seek out advice from your Pediatrician or a Developmental Pediatrician.

I would seek out some private counseling for her. There are many places that offer a sliding fee scale if it is not covered by insurance. The counselor also can help you with strategies on how to deal with her also. As others have said, punishment will not work as she cannot control this. I don't believe rewards will work either as you need to get to the heart of the issue and solve that.

My sister did the same thing, but it turned out she had been molested. I dont think that is your little ones problem as you say she is just wired differently. Seems like there is a major anxiety issue that need professional help! Please check into it for both of your sakes. The school councilor should be able to point you in the right direction!

Good Luck! Will be praying for you both. And let us know what happens.

When I saw your post I felt so much empathy with you! Your daughter sounds so much like mine- she's 8 now and in 3rd grade. I read all of the other comments and in my heart I don't feel like my daughter is emotionally disturbed or in immediate need of a therapist, but I'm not a doctor so you need to trust your feelings and instincts about your daughter's needs. I also would never punish my child for feelings that she can't help or control.

My dd is a very sweet, funny, smart, and often extremely stubborn little girl who gets anxious sometimes, especially with separation from her mother. She typically hides her deeper emotions from others and isn't very good at expressing her fears in words even to her family. She also is very decisive about what she wants and if her plans or schedule change due to something out of her control she gets upset or anxious.

She had problems in both K and 2nd grade separating from me in the mornings. In K she refused to get on the morning school bus for 2 1/2 to 3 months. She had a very nurturing teacher in 1st grade and there were no issues that year. Last year in 2nd grade her teacher had to sometimes pry her off of my leg in the mornings.

When my dd had these episodes she cried to the point of her whole face getting red and clung to me for dear life. She also complained of a stomachache so much that I took her to the doctor to rule out a physical cause of her distress.

She didn't want to go to school at all in Kindergarten and it was so bad that the school principal, a very wise lady, got involved to try to help. The principal advised that crying (probably) has never killed anyone and that if she needed to cry then it would be okay. She said that my dd could carry extra tissues and that there would be extra tissues in her classroom. She also advised the classroom teacher to try not to make a big deal about her crying and to simply say that she is okay and that she will join the group when she is ready.

As far as the curious kids, her true friends understood and were truely concerned about her and wanted her to feel better. And as for the rest, maybe one day they will have more empathy or better understanding when a child behaves differently from the norm. The classroom teacher and principal should be role models for this and not permitting teasing or bullying at school.

You have my sincere best wishes that the episodes with your daughter will lessen or stop completely eventually. I don't think that this process can be rushed- when I tried to hurry her through the daily routine or pressure her to stop crying it just made things worse. And I don't know that my dd is totally out of the woods yet but we just take things day by day and try to get enough sleep and not to rush her too much. Try to just enjoy all of her good qualities!

Take care- let us at Mamasource know how she's doing in the future.

S. E

Good for you for reaching out to other parents! I feel your pain!!!! As others suggested speak with the pediatrician asap. Get a referral for Children's Hospital and see a psychologist right away! They can help your daughter!!!! They will teach her how to cope and be able to deal with everyday life.

My daughter also suffers from an anxiety disorder but we intervened when she was 4 and she has conquered her fear. This may be the same for your daughter. Our public school was wonderful in dealing with our daughter and she did have an IEP and lots of support. Also there is medication to help. I was very against it and tried natural remedies first (fish oil, diet) but they did not help. The medication did and she was on it for a short time and made huge progress. Intervention is key! Good luck!

I encourage you to get her evaluated my a mental health professional. If she has an anxiety disorder, she doesnt' feel very well most of the time. It can't be fun for her to always feel so fearful. They can recommend medicine or treatment that will help her. Our school also cut our school counselors, but there is a district counselor your school should be able to call into help you. Her anxiety could be a sign of depression or an anxiety disorder. Depression in kids doesn't manifest the same way it does in adults. Not sure if the district counselor can help you, but she might have some ideas for interventions to use. Admins having to come out and carry her in isn't good for your daughter anyway you look at it. Please call to get her evaulated today. A psychologist or counselor would be a good place to start, and can let you know if you need to take her to someone who can prescribe meds for her.
Good luck. Problems with our kids are never easy!

I agree with Martha, I think the more you coddle her and let her know that you find this to be so upsetting the more she's going to keep doing it. I know it's hard to see your child upset and cry, but to some degree you have to be firm and not enable the behavior. I have a brother who is 18 years younger then me, and he has been CLASSIC for this. One example is that he had my mom so caught up thinking he was deathly terrified of thunderstorms. He would sob, be afraid, cling to her, hide in his room etc. It was so over the top. Then one day I had to watch him for the day and dont you know there was a HUGE storm minutes after she left. I told him firmly that I was not going to listen to him screaming and crying, I know he didnt like storms but he was completely safe and we would be fine. I did not hear a peep out of that kid. And believe me, with my mom there he would've been beside himself causing a scene! When she got home I waited till he was in the room, and told her that he was completely fine during the storm and there was no reason for his behavior anymore and he was fine after that. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down, and realize they may be playing you just a bit.Good luck, I know its not easy!

I am wondering if she may have been born with sensory integration issues. I've two friends whose children did and therapy was life changing. A few signs: does she hate the feel of certain fabrics or having tags or tight clothes on her, does she have a limited palate, ie. only eat certain foods or dislike the textures of some foods? She may well benefit from seeing an occupational therapist for sensory integration therapy. It would be worthwhile having her evaluated, even if your pediatrician doesn't agree.

You need to be discussing this with your pediatrician. She may refer you both to counseling. Anxiety is a medical condition.. My children deal with anxiety and I have come to realize that I do too. I have one of out of 4 kids that does not have anxiety. Some children are just more hyper sensitive. My daughter used to complain of tummy aches all the time and would take her to the doctor and they would never find anything wrong with her or she had made herself sick through the anxiety. Unfortunately when she was younger no one realized it. It is only as a 15 year old are we dealing with it and getting help from a psychiatrist. The crying out is part of trying to control your environment. I don't know if your daughter has other issues like allergies. Punishing her just creates more anxiety. But the issue is you need to teach her how to manage her feelings and she is young and may not know how to express herself completely yet or understand it. As a parent we want to fix things and make things better but sometimes things are not a quick fix. Getting help was the best thing for me. And it also was nice having an outsider looking in to give me a different perspective. I hate meds but I also know they give some kids medication to help with anxiety. I prefer the non medicine road so that why we are doing the counseling first. Good luck to you.

It sounds like you are are very frustrated, and I can imagine anyone would be in your situation. Hopefully you resolve this very soon.

If this has been going on for an extended period of time (it does appear that way) I would personally take exaggerated measures. These are not for everyone, but here's what I would do:

I would talk to her as if she were my best friend. As a "best friend" I would explain and ask for help with a problem that I have been struggling with for a long time. "I feel so lonely and afraid when we get separated. I worry about you all the time and wonder if you're safe. I know it sounds silly, but I sometimes feel that we will only be safe if we are together. This is a problem because I can't get my work done properly for worrying about you. If I can't get my work done, I'm afraid I may get fired from my job and then we will not have money for food, clothes, and the house/apt. If that happens, we will be in a lot of trouble and have no place to stay. What can I do? Do you have any advice that could help me?"

Listening to children seems to bring about a great change in so many of them, and actually discussing problems makes them feel as if they are on level with us and vice versa. Remember that "mom knows best" about her child's health, mental and otherwise.

Again, remember that this is only something that I would do. If it helps, and I hope it does in some way, I am very happy for you.

I hope you two can work it out well. Take care and be happy!

I am so sorry to hear that you and your daughter are struggling. My daughter is seven as well and has had very similar issues. When everything got to it's worst point last fall, we sought help from a psychologist and it made all the difference in the world. The Dr. recommended the book "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety" and I found that helpful. Funny, my daughter's teacher last year was also "old school" and some of the problem (my daughter was terrified of her!). Surprisingly the teacher was receptive to the problem and talked to my daughter individually which really helped. I also talked to the school counselor who looked in on my daughter as well. Once everyone was on board, my daughter's anxiety improved fairly quickly.
It sounds like your daughter depends on you to make her feel better, hence her seperation anxiety. Perhaps a counselor could help her learn the tools to manage her anxiety on her own...and lessen the separation anxiety? Not that she wouldn't still need your support, but she could find ways to make herself feel better and more in control.
The comment about "tough love" made me cringe. This is not a situation where tough love applies or would help at all.
My daughter had a nighttime and morning routine to help her get through the day. Her counselor helped her come up with the ideas. I have been through many tearful mornings so I sympathize with you completely.
This year is so much better...hang in there!

Have you considered taking her to a child psycologist? It sounds like there may be some issues that she cannot put into words on how she truly is feeling. My daughter went through this her kindergarten year at school. She eventually grew out of it. With your daughter it seem to be getting worse with each year. If I were you I would seek professional help because you are right about other kids teasing her. The teasing will get worse the older she gets if she continues this behavior. Good luck,
T.