8 Month Old Very Clingy and Still Wakes Every 1-2 Hours All Night Every Night!

I'm not so comfortable with telling people what they should do (because you are absolutely right about things working differently for different parents and children), but I can tell you what I have done and why.

I (2 kids), like my mother (2 kids), and my grandmother (5 kids), never let my daughters cry themselves to sleep alone. My reason for this is a.) I hate to cry myself to sleep--leaves me feeling lonely and abandoned; and b.) I want my children to expect that if someone loves them they will respond to their needs, even if they can't yet articulate them.

It is hard for me to associate the word "clingy" with babies, as it seems to me that the natural place for a baby is up against mama (or another loving adult or sibling) at all times except when they are playing and moving around. I used a sarong (like a sling) and pretty much just moved through the world for a few years with a child perpetually against me. In this way the girls constantly could feel my heartbeat (or my husbands), my breathing, the sound of my voice, and be part of my social interactions with other people (good for brain development--way better than videos). We had no other family or other childcare when our girls were babies, and we both worked and went to school, so I do know what it means to be exhausted and overextended. But nobody said this parenting gig was easy, right? Globally, no one puts their babies down as much as we do in the United States (and England).

My children woke periodically throughout the night until they were about three. At nine months it was definitely every two hours. Since we had our babies in bed with us, it made it easy for me to roll over and nurse them without having to get up and exhaust myself. Also, they slept better with us than alone--longer and deeper. Now they are very secure, sound sleepers who share a bed with one another, and only ever wake up in the nights if they are sick or having a nightmare. No tears, no trauma, no crying themselves to sleep--no me having to cry myself to sleep listening to them either. It seems like forever sometimes, but it really does go fast.

Yes, I do think we need to take care of ourselves as parents. Absolutely. But at what point do we say, okay, well, yeah, it sucks that I am sleep deprived, but that's what I signed up for, so I'll just get through it...? I figure if my grandmother did it with five kids and a wood cooking stove--I can do it with two kids and running water and electricity.

Hi F.,
Let me first start by saying that I was taught that if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. That being said I took along time to think about your situation before posting my thoughts. I think you should remember that your daughter is only 8 MONTHS old NOT 8 YEARS old. I don't think you can describe a baby as clingy. Isn't that what babies are suppose to do... be needy and clingy? If she was older I would understand your frustration. You talk about her as if she is ready to move out. You said, "she is now so capable of doing for herself that I feel like she should not depend so much on me." Seriously?? What is she so capable of doing? She is a baby and needs you as her mommy. By 8 months old my daugher was walking and still she needed me. Enjoy it because I can tell you now it won't last long. My youngest is almost 5 now and she is so independant that sometimes I feel as if she really doesn't need me anymore and it stinks! Being needed is one of the best things about being a mom. Maybe instead of focusing so much on "a curriculum to meet her needs" you should relax and love on her. Take a step back a deep breath and enjoy this very special tim in your daughters life. From here is where future relationships are started. As for the pediatrician I think I would find another one! My best friend has a 6 and a half month old and I can't imagine letting him "cry it out" They don't understand and I don't think you can "spoil" a baby at this age.

If you want her to sleep more and her waking is too disruptive maybe you can try more solid foods before bed. I don't necessarily agree with co-sleeping at this age, but if it works and helps her to tame the seperation anxiety why not try it. Do you have a heart beat bear for her crib? That used to help my oldest get back to sleep when he would wake in the middle of the night for no reason. What about a dim night light? At eight months old she is more aware of her situation and surroundings... maybe she is getting scare of the dark. Just a few ideas. I hope you find peace with your situation. It sounds like you do alot for our community kids. Now it is time to do something for yours.
Good luck and God Bless.

Wow, F., you must be exhausted.
You have an intresting juxtaposition of your profession as a nanny and the reality of being a mother. They are not the same thing, are they? It is always easier to give advice from the outside. Being the mother is much harder.

That is the reality - being a mother is hard! Being a good mother is even harder, but so rewarding. One of our most important jobs as a mother of a young baby is meeting our children's needs. When we are there to meet their needs as they express them, we create children who trust us to be there when they need us. We are their constant. Without that trust, the world is a scary place for a little one. Often, we expect that our babies should be more "independent" or secure when they are just not ready for that. What you are building right now is a relationship that will be the foundation of every relationship your baby has in her life. It is also the beginning of discipline (as Dr. Sears says). If your baby trusts you to always be there for her and meet her needs and keep her safe, then she will trust you later in her life when you provide appropriate boundaries for her.
Babies are not machines that you can program. They do not conform to our schedules and they are not capable of manipulating you. That concept is so far out of the radar at this point for her. Every baby is different and has different needs.

It sounds as though your baby is not getting enough of you. She can sense that you just want to move on to whatever you need to do next. The reality is that she needs you.
I wonder - if you committed yourself to her for one week (starting with a weekend where you have all day and night to devote to her), and focused on responding quickly to every time she fussed (don't let her get to a cry), carry her, using a sling when you need to be doing something (baby wearing), and even share sleep with her (ie. take a nap with her, or even sleep with her on a matress on the floor) - I wonder if she might settle down a bit.

That sling could be your best friend with this baby.

Also, you may want to consider the idea, and do some research on it yourself, that watching tv at this age - even the baby einstein videos - may be overstimulating for your baby. Maybe just an audio cd of the music would be enough for her. Let her look around the house and explore in her walker instead of stare at the tv.
I know that my advice may sound really radical in comparison to what you are doing. My suggestion is just for one week. Do with it what you will.
Here are some books that I highly recommend:

Fussy Baby, How to Bring Out the Best in Your High-Need Child by Dr. William Sears
Nighttime Parenting, How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep by Dr. William Sears
Let the Baby Drive: Navigating the Road of New Motherhood
Lu Hanessian
Of Cradles and Careers: A Guide to Reshaping Your Job to Include a Baby in Your Life
Kaye Lowman

Yep...you've made the mommy discovery, and why I don't listen to any "expert" who doesn't have kids, or even some of the male experts that do. Babies don't understand rationalization and "should haves" or "supposed tos".

As you probably know, this is the age of clinginess, and it's probably going to get worse over the next few months. Have you considered co-sleeping? For us, it was really the only way any of us were going to get some real sleep. She'll get to the age when she will want to be a big girl (it may be another year or so) and want her own space, but having her in bed w/you could save your sanity and health now. We bought the bed rails from BabiesRUs and surrounded the bed.

The other thing that helped us is after feeding and dressing, take a few minutes (10-15) to give her your full attention and play with her. Both my kids were pretty demanding, and I found that if I gave them full attention and played with them, it would go great, then they would want to be more on their own, over time, pretty much telling me to leave them alone after 10-15 mins was up. Thus, we were all happy and I could get something done. It's like they need that undivided attention (and deserve it), and then they're happy. My little one will say, "No, mommy, stay and color." (she's 2 now), but I will explain I have to do some work. As long as she's had a few mins of undivided attention and play, it's easier for her to take it. Another reason for the clinginess, and the waking at night is it's possible she feels she's not getting enough of you during the day. You are a busy person, but babies don't care! It's all about them.

I also found that feeding my kids something a little heavier/more substantial before bed helped them sleep better. Not perfectly yet, though. My 8 year old sleeps all night, but my 2 year old still has her 3am wakings often. Now that she's older, however, she's so sleepy that with a backrub, she goes right back to sleep.

I, also, will never do the cry it out, and another poster (Diane T.) said it so well. This is their method of communication, and if you ignore it, it will hurt the bond and trust. There are those times when I have delayed answering my kids' whines and cries and found out later there was something wrong - a fever, messy diaper, hand or arm caught. It only takes one time to find out there was something wrong and mommy guilt kicks in. I won't let a kid just cry. An hour? Wow. I can't imagine letting an adult cry for an hour without a hug!

They just grow up all too soon.

i will be the voice of dissent at the moment - i think letting a baby cry it out (no matter what you call it) is horrible. Basically a baby only has her voice to warn you that she needs her. At night she is telling you that she needs you. when you just ignore her and not answer her cries, all you are teaching her is that her voice doesn't matter. it might help temporarily but one of the first MAJOR lessons you have taught her is that her needs, wants, her safety is of no concern to the only person she is supposed to rely on. I know mainstream America says it is okay, but mainstream America is also having really bad times with its children!
Have you tried a family bed? Or maybe move her crib into your room?
Babies are designed to want to be with their mama - just think about it - in the wild if a baby wasn't with mama, AND ALONE (like your little one is in her crib right now at night) then she was vulnerable! so that is why she is crying now - she doesn't know that she lives in 2008 - her design and yearning for life hasn't changed in over 10,000 years!
Or think of it another way - if your husband couldn't sleep and was crying and couldn't/wouldn't tell you what was wrong - would you just close the door and leave him alone and say "learn to sleep." i don't think so. so why do we think it is okay to do to our babies?

As for the clingyness - again that is sooooo age appropriate. try wearing her on your back in sling of some sort. that way you can do dishes, housework. or remember that she will only be this young once and your dishes will always be there!
i would not just let her scream and not get her. is it hard and time-consuming? well yes. but just think of the great trust you are building. and that is why babywearing is so great! she will probably be "clingy" for a long time BUT SHE IS ONLY EIGHT MONTHS OLD!! if she can't be a "baby" now, when can she! again, she is supposed to be this way. this is so she won't go crawling into danger. The Dr. Sears Baby Book talks a lot about this. Also, for when she is older, you really want to foster this bond. Read Hold Onto Your Kids - a great book that explains it.
and please remember, just because she "can" do something doesn't mean she is ready for what we think she should be ready for. she will tell you when she is ready and obviously she is telling you she is NOT yet ready.

I have a nine month old and was in the same situation about a month ago! She is still very clingy. I just try to reassure her that I'm not going to leave her alone..I can leave mine with her big sister though ad that makes it better.
Do you have a carrier? or a back pack? I used to nurse mine in a sling while I did dishes laundry, etc.
-I know what you mean though, Mine used to crawl into the bathroom and scream at me while I took a shower (I dont have a mothers helper-and my husband is a pilot so I have the girls 4 days alone)
I don't believe in letting your baby "cry it out"
I would jump at the smallest little peep from the baby's room. Finally I let her make noise and try to put her self back to sleep. Unless she is crying-I give her a minute or so and then go nurse her.
If it's a possibility, maybe sleep next to her (in your bed) a couple nights, THis might reassure her separation issues. Start sleeping through the night and then move her to her bed.
Good Luck, Try not to do TOO much, you are a mother now, and this little girl needs YOU, at this time in her life. If you are too busy with your other jobs maybe hire help.
I started my own company and got soo busy my family life started suffering.
This motherhood thing is not something you can just phone in. Stick with it, stay strong! :)

Hi F., I have an 11 month old daughter and she also seems to have become more clingy. I use to put her in a sling a lot to get things done but she has gotten to heavy. I went and got an evenflow backpack to put her in and it is a lifesaver. It is nice having her on my back instead of front like in a sling because my arm's are totally free. She is just happy to be close to me and I can get the whole kitchen cleaned and dinner cooked. We do a lot with her in there and she is so content. I have heard good things about the ergo back pack as well. As far as the sleeping part we sleep together and she still wakes about every three hours but it's ok because I'm right there and use to it by now.

Now here's a very different response.....
Your 8 month old goes to TWO jobs with you?
then is put in front of a DVD at night cause your tired?
what are you thinking?
maybe she NEEDS a hug and some REAL time with her mom?
Sounds like you are overbooked?
A.

I have four children ages 14,12,7,4. My 12 year old did that from birth to age 2. I tried EVERYTHING!!! She cried day and night. She stopped when I weened her from nursing and found out she was allergic to dairy. I wasn't "feeding" her dairy but I was eating dairy and then breastfeeding her... When you try the "tough love" and it doesn't work, then maybe there is a food allergy or other health concern. Look for other symptoms too. I think dairy is the most common among young children. My children couldn't tolerate corn or gluten or soy also at a young age. I breastfed them all so it was a matter of watching what I ate...Good luck to you and hang in there. You're doing a great job by looking into everything and trying to figure this out. Blessings!

Jaimee

Hi F.! What you said about missing your kid so that you can fall in love again is just what I feel! I'd like to offer some moral support of your desire not to try any "cry-it-out" stuff. I haven't read your other responses, no doubt lots of people recommend looking at the Dr Sears attachment stuff. I'm doing the attachment parenting thing, including co-sleeping with my nearly 1-year-old and feeding on demand, even at night. The other night, I asked my husband to do the comforting when our baby woke before I'd gone to bed. After half an hour, with the cries becoming increasingly frantic, I went upstairs to see if I could help (I don't usually like to intervene but half an hour is a very long time to have a baby cry, to me). My husband was trying to comfort without picking up, and our baby just wasn't having it! The next day he was SUPER clingy and whiny, and it took a week to settle him into his previous happy self. I think some kids just need a lot of attention, even at night, and it's not their fault or their parents' fault. Is it possible to try the full attachment-type of care model? Perhaps you could just see if it does anything for you! Oh, I'm getting all the rest I need co-sleeping, even though my baby also wakes usually at least four times a night.

I know it's hard to have a baby who is clingy--I also have an 8 month old, and she is just entering her stranger anxiety phase. She is also very attached to me, and wants to be with me as much as possible. Rest assured, this is just a phase, and all phases pass. If you just resign yourself to trusting that it will soon pass, you can take some of the anxiety out of it. I do have some suggestions for you, though.

She is giving you some clear messages about her needs in the only language she has. She wants to be with you (very natural) and is counting on you as her source of comfort (also very natural). There is no way to spoil a baby...giving them what they need, in abundance, creates a more secure child. I say this as the mother of two very secure and easy older boys who are 10 and 4. They weren't always easy, but they are amazing now. They both had their phases and difficult times. I wasn't always perfect, but consistent and loving and I always tried to listen to what they were telling me. They only have a couple of ways of communicating their needs. One thing to think about is what your baby is getting rewarded by...if you wait to comfort her at night when she asks quietly and only give her what she asks for when she screams, she quickly learns to scream for what she needs. And crying it out is just not something I can abide, personally. When they do stop crying it's because they've given up on having a voice for their needs. I just think it's the wrong message to send to this little person who is depending on you for everything. Fighting something as simple as that is a battle you just can't win.

Babies aren't manipulative, and are very clear with their simple requests. By listening and responding, you create a child who is confident that her requests will be met. If you fight her needs, even for something like comfort (which is a very real need for a baby) she learns that she has to do really big things to get her needs met.

Also, I'm a big proponent of sleeping with your baby. I know it's not always the popular choice, and people worry about getting the baby out of the bed later, but it's hardwired into them to want to be close. My daughter sleeps with us every night, and we don't even have a crib. She never cries at night, sleeps the whole night, and so do I. I just nurse her when she stirs and we both go back to sleep. It's peaceful and sweet and she is secure and happy. We ask a lot of our babies when we put them in a cold and lonely crib. Think about how peacefully your baby sleeps when she falls asleep on you. My older boys also slept with us until they were four and two, and now sleep beautifully in their own beds. I did teach them to sleep,in the most natural way possible, and they do it well.

A magazine I love, that really supports natural family parenting and attachment parenting, is Mothering. You can check it out at www.mothering.com and just look at a few articles on co-sleeping. If you open your mind to it, and set aside any pre-conceived notions that society has programmed in, you will love it.

I know babies can be exhausting. Trust yourself and your instincts and your baby...if you really listen to what she is telling you, things will get easier fast. Good luck, Mama!

I have a son who had a lot of medical issues/surgery as a baby and as a result we kept him pretty close. He is now 2 and is still pretty clingy. It has been like this for a long time. For a while, he was sleeping in his own bed with no problem but was having night terrors several times in the night, the problem improved when he slept with my husband and I. I figured I was doing something wrong when he started not being able to go to bed without us, but now that I have another son, 8 months who is mostly autonomous at night, I realize they are just two really different people. I suppose this probably doesn't seem like a good solution for most people, they completely balk at the idea of having a kid in bed with them but I have a very stressful and demanding job and it is impossible for me to lose any of the 5/6 hours sleep I get a night. Most of the time, I fall asleep before he does but when I don't (or my husband), we move him to his bed where he typically stays until morning unless we have "bad" nights where he wakes up calling for us. I find that this makes him a lot more calm, sleep better and is also noticeabley less clingy during the day. I have not noticed any negative effect of having him sleep with us, if anything, he seems to be becoming progressively more independent. We are working on getting a big boy bed and a stool for him so he has the opportunity to choose which bed to sleep in. He just hates being caged in a crib...sometimes he even puts himself to sleep, just crawls in my bed and he's out in a few minutes. If you're exhausted and don't have the time to try anything else, you might consider it. Don't rule out that it's just part of her personality to be like that...you might be surprised if you plan on having more, to find that they are just completely different and it's not your fault at all. Good luck!

This sounds just like my daughter. She did this until she was 13 months old - sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

The reason my daughter did this was that she had reflux and the acid was uncontrolled and the lining of her stomach became inflammed.

I am a big fan of letting babies cry it out. I have other kids, but with my daughter, I knew she was crying out in pain. It was not a normal cry. She woke very frequently, never sleeping more than 1 1/2 hours at a time. She was also extremely clingy during the day and I was the ONLY person that she wanted. I since learned that kids in pain seem to latch on to one person as their comfort.

You know her best. You know if she is just clingy or if there may be something else going on. What I finally did was keep a piece of paper by my bed and write down each time she woke during the night. When I took that to my pediatrician, she knew something was wrong. If you feel your concerns are not being handled, feel free to go to another doc.

Everyone kept telling me she was spoiled. I was sick and tired of that and determined to find out what was really going on.

I know how you feel. The sleep deprivation killed me! To add to it, I worked part-time,had another child to care for and became pregnant when my daughter was 7 months old. My relationship with my husband became strained because my temper became so short and I had absolutely nothing left to give to my husband because I was so drained. My husband was working nights and didn't realize the extent of my deprivation. I have been there and it will get better, but I know it's he** right now. If you need to vent to someone who understands, feel free to send me a message.

Best Wishes!

Hi F.,
Wow, you must be really tired and that just makes everything harder. I really like a lot of the advice you have already been given. I have 6 boys ages 8 months to 16 years, 3 biological and 3 adopted as older children. With my first child, I did all the stuff the Doctors say about crying it out and not letting the baby "manipulate" you. It mostly worked, or so I thought at the time. Then we adopted kids 2,3,and 4. Two of those kids have what is called Reactive attachment disorder. In their case it was caused by neglect, but isn't letting our kids cry it out a form of neglect? Because of their condition I did extensive research into infant developement, and kids 5 and 6 (and me) have reaped the benefits! I think that the fact that your child is clingy is the most wonderful thing in the world!!! It means you are well attached to each other and that she trusts you! This is only a phase and if you don't hold her tight for this short time, she will be like this longer. Also, she will suffer with anxiety, insecurity and depression later in life. My biological 8 year old still wakes me up at least twice a week with a bad dream or an "I can't sleep," but my three year old goes right to sleep in his own bed and stays there all night. The difference is that I co-slept with my three year old from birth to 14 months (when he wanted his own space) and then transitioned him to his own bed in my room, and then his own bed in his room. My 8 month old has also slept with me since birth and sometimes I wake up to find him latched on, eating contently, and still sleeping, all without uttering a single cry. My feelings towards him when he does wake up, are of concern because I know something is wrong or he is in pain instead of resentment at my sleep being interupted (which I felt towards my firstborn). Another benefit is that I have had a much easier time with discipline in the toddler years. I am a firm believer that children should respect and obey their parents. It is a thousand times easier to teach them that when the trust you implicitly. I know these years are hard, I am right in the middle of them myself. I hope you try co-sleeping. You might find after just a couple of weeks of her getting completely filled up with you at night, she will start to be more independant during the day. I won't promise that, but it has worked out that way for me. One thing I would ask, is that whatever course you decide to take that you don't damage your relationship with her over this issue. I did that with my first and I am still paying the price for it. He and I love each other so much, but we struggle with discipline and he does feel depressed and anxious at a time when he should be fun and carefree. I can only move forward and not dwell on what I can't change, but you still have time to create that intense bond that will serve you both well for your whole lives!

I would kind of "kill her with kindness." In my experience babies/children sometimes sense that you are pulling away from them and want to get more space for yourself so they come after you all the more. If you were to try baby wearing for instance and wear her almost exlusively for a couple weeks it may break the battern and help her to feel more secure in your availability to her. Also, make sure you are nursing on demand so that she has a good sense of security. I look at it as a Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs issue. You have to make her feel secure before she'll loosen up and achieve her highest potential. She knows that without you she would die (you are her source of everything) and she's just acting like it. If any of us were as dependent as a newborn we would go nuts if our source of everything left our side too.

Honestly all the closeness builds a lot of self assurance and as your children get older all that self assuredness leeds them to be very capable independent people who give you more space than other people's children. There are rewards!!!

So in short, try babywearing almost all the time for several weeks and see how it goes.

Hope this helps,
S.

Do you resent your daughter? Be glad that she is still attached to you. Some day it won't be so. Hold her like you WANT to be with her. Believe me, she knows what you feel! When someone else takes care of her think how lucky they are, not that "they're putting up with her". Is this how you feel when you're with her? When she cries so hard reassure her more not less how much you love her. Don't see her crying and neediness as a negative. Easier said than done. How do you view your own sadness and neediness? Intelligent, strong-willed, expressive women make it in this world. What kind of daughter do you want? Do you love this in yourself? Your daughter will reflect you.

Do you have a nightlight in the baby's room? My son would wake and scream like someone was killing him, but then we gave him a nightlight and put a CD player in his room that we play a CD of children's primary songs (our church music). We put the CD on repeat so it plays all night and now he sleeps fine, I also put a few toys in his cribs, mostly books and sometimes I hear him wake up around 2 or 3am but he just talks to himself and plays with his toys and doesn't cry. He eventually puts himself back to sleep.

Hello F.!!
My advice is a lot like some responses that you've gotten here already. I, too, was a nanny for lots of years before my own kids came along. Isn't it funny how you see so many things and think to yourself, "that will NEVER be my child. I've got it all figured out by now." Some things I really do know what's better because of my experiences, but applying them to my own kids is hard sometimes!!
About the clingyness... It's totally normal right now. The seperation anxiety phase usually kicks in around 8 months. You're not alone.
However, I think the severity of it is probably in part because of her lack of a good night's sleep. I don't agree with someone down below that said that she must need you. She WANTS you, no doubt, and she has developed a pattern of habit. Also, I really don't think the problem with American kids these days is the cry it out method. The problem with american kids is the lack of consistant discipline in the home. One of the best gifts that we can give our children is the knowledge and ability to sleep. I have friends that have kids that are 2 years old and still waking in the middle of the night. I just don't think that's neccessary. It's important that children learn how to put themselves to sleep and self-soothe!
You said that you tried the tough love and it hasn't really worked... I know that it's hard. I've done it with both of my kiddos and it's not easy. But what's important is a real commitment to do something about it. You and your husband need to make a pact to stick it out for a week no matter what. You don't have to completely ignore her at first. Go in every 15 mins, lay her back down, pat her on the back and leave without ever picking her up. If you start this and decide to stop before her habit is broken, it's even more reinforced. My ten month old son has been putting himself to sleep and sleeping through the night since 10 weeks old. Recently he started standing in his crib and crying during nap time. I would just go in there and speak firmly to him and lay him back down. When he knew that he wasn't going to be able to get up and skip naps, he went right to sleep.
I truly feel that once you get the sleeping under control, you will be more patient with her clingyness and she will be less clingy because she'll be less tired. Let us know how it works out!

F.

Wow! You must be about ready to collapse! I can only imagine the daily stress you are living under. The only advice I can give is about nighttime waking up. My daughter has always had a hard time at night and the only thing that helped was playing tough. When she was about 7-8 months we decided we would not go and get her when she cried. The first night she cried for an hour, then I went in, did not pick her up, said I loved her, hugged her and laid her down. Then she cried for 1/2 hour and finally went to sleep, but slept most of the night. The next night she cried 45 minutes before going to sleep. The next night 1/2 hour and so on. But at the end of a week she was going to sleep on her own without crying. We lived in an apartment at the time so I know about that stress too. I figured, oh well our neighbors will just have to suffer through it with us for a week. Probably in the end they would rather suffer through more crying for a week to hear less all night long for the next year! So to move on, my daughter also had problems waking up all night. I found that the nicer I was the worse it got. If I picked her up and tried to comfort her she would just keep waking up all night long. If I just ignored it then she would cry it out (and sometimes it took a while), but when she did go to sleep she would stay asleep. I know this is so much easier said than done, but it is infinitely worth it in the long run. Letting your baby cry in the crib for an hour seems cruel, but if you know she is okay (fed, changed, safe, etc) then sometimes it just has to be done and take my word for it, it will get better!

As far as during the day clinginess, I really have no advice to give except a lot of times it is a phase babies go through and hopefully it will pass.

good luck,
J.

F., have some F.--it will get better. I was reading your story and having flashbacks to my 2 year old being 8 months old. I was the only person that could do anything for her and I never got a break. My mother came to town during this phase and told everyone my daughter was a horrible monster. Sure, I felt that way at times, but she added insult to injury by saying such a thing about my daughter to everyone I knew. Honestly, things are great now and have been since about 18 months. We started giving her a bottle in addition to the breast at bedtime which filled her up more and got her to sleep longer. I still got up 2 times a night and gave her the breast until 15 months when the pediatrician yelled enough times at me to get me to stop. For several nights my husband went to her at night and did not get her up, but stayed in the room. She got mad as can be, but after several nights it started to work. If I went in her room the cycle started all over. She knew I was a sucker and would give in. We also got her very scheduled--food and naps at the same time a day. It wasn't convenient, but after 1 month we returned to our hear and there lifestyle. Also, she is probably teething which can be painful at times. Teething tabs really helped my daughter. This isn't much advice, but do know you are not the only one who has gone through this and won't be the last. My daughter is wonderful and very well adjusted now. She can be held by just about anyone and gets 12 hours of sleep a night. Good luck!!

Hi F.,

I can't offer you much useful advice in the sleeping area, as my 10-month old co-sleeps and still wakes up at least once a night.

I do want to offer the idea that a happy mommy is usually necessary for a happy baby, so your needs are just as important as your little one's. I hope you can remember that as you're reading some of these responses...

Good luck. I hope you find a solution that fits your family.

This totally makes sense. It can be so hard. If your husband (or mother or mother-in-law) is willing, try to leave. I know it is very hard to know that just by staying you could keep her happy, but it is worth it. Leave for just an hour at first, but leave the house and go do something for you. I know, you will feel guilty, but just try it. She will learn that you will come back. It is amazing how fast they learn that you will come back. I went through something very similar with my son (who is now 20 months) I just had to do it, it wasn't easy, but now, on the other end of this process, it is so worth it. I had to leave my son with a friend yesterday (who he has never been left with before) and yes, he did cry when I left, but he was happy and playing when my husband picked him up. I hope I'm not sounding too harsh, I don't mean to be, I just feel so much for you, because a year ago, I was in the same position. I know it isn't easy.
Just a quick note about the townhouse situation..I also live in a townhouse and I have found when I just talk to my neighbors, it makes all the difference. "I'm so sorry if he has been keeping you up at night, we are working on helping him sleep through the night" they seemed a lot more understanding if I would acknowledge to them that I knew he was noisy, but that we were working on it.
Good luck!

Hi F., you poor thing! I know how stressful this is and I have been there! I know it is easier said then done but at night it did work for me with my daughter to let her cry. I didn't just let her cry and that be the end of it. I let her cry for about 15 minutes (which seriously was the hardest thing I have ever done!) and then went in and hugged her and told her that I loved her but that it was late and time for sleep and mommy wasn't coming back in again so she needed to lay down and go to sleep. I left and she cried for maybe 10 more minutes then laid down and went to sleep. It is very hard to do but was so surprised and thankful the next night when she didn't wake up!

What worked with my daughter for during the day (which you may have tried, each child is different) is I would sit with her and play whatever she wanted for half an hour to an hour and then would explain that it was time to watch a video which was usually educational too while mommy took care of her work. Granted my daughter was over 1 when this started so I am not sure if it will work for an 8month old. I would always come back and play a little more after the video or after I finished whatever I was doing then would leave again to do what I needed to do.

Hang in there and I hope you find something that works soon. I know how it wears on a mom to be going through this!!!

Hello F.,

I am a single mom of 2 beautiful girls. My now almost 3-yr old struggled with the same thing when she was an infant. I know that you said you have been receiving many responses and thought I would just let you know my experience with my daughter. Since I was a single mom, I was all she had. I would wake up at the slightest noise and cater to her every need/demand. Until I just felt like I would rip the next person's head off who asked if I was okay because I looked so tired. Finally, I did the whole let her cry it out. Believe me, it's hard the first couple of nights but SOOOOO worth it in the long run. I had to go so far as to shut both her door, my door, turn on my radio, turn on my fan, and bury my head in my pillows so that I couldn't hear her screaming. She'll be okay. You need your rest, period. You need to make sure your needs are met and that you are taking care of yourself. That is what's best for you, and in turn what's ultimately best for your baby. Again, it is HARD but you can't give in even once or the efforts are lost. Good luck to you!

I know that if you are running on empty, you cant be there for your daughter or anyone else. I also hear your daughter desperately needs you. What a difficult place to be.

You know your limits and how long you can hang in there. In an ideal world, you would order it to be exactly the way you need it. Sometimes, changing the way we look at something is helpful. If that will help, I imagine you will do it.

I dont believe in letting a baby cry it out. I tend to believe a clingy child is clingy for the same reason adults are clingy: they are insecure and fearful of losing what they need. If husbands dont give wives the time/attention we need, and "let us cry it out", we start to panic and wonder if he has lost interest in us. The more they brush us aside and dont meet our needs, the more we feel that panic and begin to cling.

Is your baby doing well otherwise? If she is not feeling well, whether it is teething, allergies, or another thing, she will need you more.

I really liked the suggestion of trying for one week to spend MORE time with her, focusing on her. Perhaps taking a mom/baby "vacation". Of course, you can only do this if you have the emotional space left to do it. I hope your husband is giving you total support/love/attention to bolster you through what is a difficult time for you. Our little ones are little for such a short time, but when you are in the midst of it, it can seem like ages. Really look for the support you need so you can give baby the support she needs. Hiring a post partem doula who can mother you so you can mother the baby is a great option if dad, or another relative cant fill this position for you. You need the support...find it!

I hope you find the solace and peace you are needing right now.
C.

Hi F. - While my children are older I do remember the days of taking my children to day care, going to work, picking them up, getting dinner ready, getting them ready for bed and trying to keep them there..nothing seemed to work. We eventually all grew out of it. But I don't believe anyone needs to have such a trying day with the one you love. I would like to introduce you to a nutritional beverage that will give you more energy, deal with stress better and give you and your little one a better night sleep. Please click on the attached link http://freelife.com/pop/dsp_04_002_GoChi_Interview.html
Please e-mail with any questions to ____@____.com or visit my web site www:jayandtoni.freelife.com Our company offers a 90 day money back guarantee on the product so you have nothing to loose...Best of luck - T.

Don't worry this is normal. My 2yo was like this and still is. Better now of course. She just wants her mommy. You said the screaming it out that your ped. reccommended wasn't working? Why not? The hardest part about this method is committing yourself to it. YOu daughter has you all figured out. The harder and louder I scream, mommy will come. Unfortunately our kids figure us out before we figure them out. I would try it again. You might have to listen to it for 2 hours before she finally poops out. Just wondering, when you go in there, does she stop screaming? Not everyone agrees with crying it out, but at her age she shouldn't be waking every 1-2 hours. Is this a new thing? Has she always done this? Is she teething? When you are at home, set up a station for her with toys and put up a baby gate. Get her use to playing on her own. I started room time with my kids when they were about a year old. Put the gate up so I can still see them, but set up some toys and make them learn to be independent. When you have your mommy's helper over, you should be out of sight. If she see's you, she doesn't understand why she can't be with you, so she screams. Have her and the mommy's helper go into her room to play so you are out of sight out of mind. And let your husband start watching her more often. My son when he was about this age cried everytime I walked up the stairs. He just wanted his mommy, but he got over it. Just ask yourself these questions, figure out why she is doing it and go from there. Good Luck, I know how draining it can be.

You sound like a very busy woman, F.. It is awesome that you take your daughter with you to work, but I have to ask, how much quality time are you really spending with her? And, at night, when you are putting in a DVD (which, by the way, makes sleep problems WAY worse, and is definitely not recommended by sleep experts), are you doing that instead of spending time with her? If so, that would explain a lot. She needs you, she needs your attention, not just your presence. Maybe working on spending quality time with her will help.

It is a normal for an 8 month old to want mom. That is just about when separation anxiety steps in, as does teething, which also throws little ones off at night. I don't think 8 month olds need "tough love". She is crying because she has a need, which may be emotional. She may just crave your attention.

We co-sleep and it has been a life savor for us. We absolutely love it. When Conner is getting a molar, he is up every hour at night, no matter what I give him (though Hyland's teething tablets do work great). I could not be a happy, functional mom if Conner was not in bed with me. I tend to his needs (yes, needs) quickly and go right back to bed. You have to do what is right for you, but it is just one idea.

Elizabeth Pantly's Book, The No Cry Sleep Solution, is such an awesome resource. I highly recommend reading it. It will help you learn GENTLE ways to encourage your child to sleep longer stretches. It will also help to give you realistic sleep expectations. Baby's cannot sleep like adults... period. They are not wired that way, and it is physically not possible.

Here are some other links you might find helpful:
http://www.llli.org/NB/NBSepOct05p204a.html
http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detsleepthrough.html
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp

Good luck in choosing what will work for you. Oh, and one more suggestion. Have you thought about getting a baby carrier (an Ergo is awesome, or an active mom carrier), so that you can have her close during the day? I really feel she is trying to communicate something to you.

I am so sorry for you! It is so hard when they are like that! I know that you have tried letting her cry, but My sugesstion is to keep letting her cry! Let your neighbor know that you are going to be doing this for a while so they are aware! I know it is hard, but sometimes it can take up to 14 days for them to form the habbit of soothing themself back to sleep! It is hard! I have had to do it three times now, but it will be so worth it in the end!

Each night make it longer and longer between times you go in to pat her on the back or lay her back down, and then walk back out of the room, even if she is crying. Let her know that you love her and it is time to go back to sleep! It will be hard but you will be singing in your dreams before too long!

Good luck!
B.

I can definitely empathize! My first child was up at night every hour and a half or so. I was like a zombie! I would just go get him and start nursing him and sometimes wouldn't even realize how he had gotten into my bed! Our pediatrician asked how long he slept at night, and when I told him, he gave me a book to read. It sounds to me like you know the basic idea, but reading it all in a book and having step by step instructions might be helpful. The book is called, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. My son was 9 months old when I read this book and it was heaven sent! I know that there are a lot of moms who don't believe in letting them cry it out, but it has worked for all of my 5 children. I started sleep training my other 4 kids much earlier than I had with my first and there wasn't much actual crying it out. Mostly a different approach on my part and my babies responded like I believe they should. My little ones are definitely happier and more content during the day when they have had a good night's sleep (aren't we all!) Good luck!

Hey! I had the same problem, the pediatrician gave me the same advice. I wouldn't try it for a long time because I kept hearing all of those people that think letting a baby cry is cruel. I still don't think it should be done with an infant but when we tried it he was about nine months old. It took about one really hard week but now we're just as well bonded and I'm a much better mom because I'm a well rested, sane human being instead of a sleep deprived, resentful martyr zombie. No kid wants to have the pressure of making it up to a mom who didn't sleep or shower for three years straight.