My 8 year old keeps getting in to trouble at school I just found out. And he's been lying about it. He says he's had a different color of day than he really did. For those who don't know what I mean by color most schools now have color behavior charts that let the parent know how they did that day at school. I don't know if he's lying because we are pushing to hard for blue days. It seems like he's testing the teacher. She said she will tell him to do something and he will just look at her like he's trying to figure out if he really has to do it. He's done that with my husband and myself and we have started cracking down on it more. But the more he does it the more I seem to yell. I am not sure what to do. We have grounded him from all kinds of different things but nothing seems to be working. I just don't know what to do. We already held him back last year cause he was struggling. Any suggestions?
Well I talked to him last night and he said he was not telling us the truth cause he knew that if he had a blue day that we would be very happy and proud of him. I told him yes that we would be but we love him no matter what and we need to know how he's doing. As to him being held back he's had no problems with. We discussed it with him before hand and he's the one that tells the world. And seems happier this year than he was last year.
I am sure he probably does have ADHD but I am not ready for meds. All the kids in my family that are or have been on it are little zombies and I dont' want him to loose who he is. I talked to my husband last night and we are going to up the amount of fish oil that we give him which is what we have done in the past that has helped calm him down but we had stopped giving him it very much.
I have been working on my yelling cause I know it does not do any good. I do believe in spanking when it's needed but with him does not always work. He is very hard headed!
Thanks for all that advise and I welcome any more!
H.
Being held back in school must have been very traumatic for him. I would seek some professional advice from the school counselor and/or his pedi. Maybe he needs someone to talk to. Sometimes kids just need someone other than their parent to listen and give advice. Good luck!
My daughter exhibited the same behavior...and for years we tried everything imaginable. She was finally (at 10yrs. old) diagnosed as being ADHD. If you don't think this is right for your son, maybe talking with your pediatrician will move you in the right direction. Be prepared when you do have your appointment, because it can be very easy to get off track when discusing specifics. Bring your list of concerns and take your time. When scheduling the appointment, you might let the secretary know that you'll be in for a consultation and let her know how long you think you'll need for this. It will keep your dr. patient and you won't feel as rushed. Good luck!!
I agree with Katy about talking to the pediatrician. That's where we started when dealing with our son's behavior problems (later diagnosed through specialists as ADHD). The pediatrician can often give useful tips for managing bad behaviors or refer you to a specialist like a behavioral therapist who can offer ideas. The professionals often have ideas to try that aren't out there in the mass market books and can customize strategies to suit your son.
One thought you can try now is to switch from punishments to rewards. If he has a good day at school (talk to the teacher each day and find out), he can earn marbles, stickers or something that's a marker. He reaches a certain level by the end of the week or whatever time frame you want (but keep it short), he earns a reward.
Good luck!
Maybe he feels angry about being "left back" maybe he is covering up learning problems "instead of Trying to do the work and possibly Failing, I'll make it clear I don't care about school and don't want to do the work" -much cooler than attempting and failing.
He could have Auditory Processing disorder. Have him checked by a Developmental Pediatrician. He might not be able to help it.
L.
I have a 15 year old son that acted very similar to yours in his younger grades! Good news: He is a very kind-hearted, sweet, caring kid who has lots of friends. Bad news: He doesn't really think before he acts, and cares nothing about grades , but pulls it out each report card to avoid being grounded! But here is what I have learned about how to deal with him. First, he is a boy. School is not really designed for boys (unless you get a teacher who has a boy herself!). They are required to sit in one confined space, listen and write...boring! With that, you need to work something out with the teacher.
My son would have to change his color about 5 minutes after he got to school. So for him, he was already in trouble, why not live it up for the rest of the day? When I explained to the teacher that she had lost her "battle" with him so soon, and therefore, she was totally powerless for the rest of the day, but if she was able to redirect a little, give 3 strikes before he was out, or even gave the option to re-earn his color back she would be able to get a little more co-operation. One thing I demanded was that if he had already moved his color once, and was on the brink of moving it again, he had to immediately go to the counselor's office. It gave him and the teacher a cooling off, and the counselor was able to talk him through a few techniques to get through the day.
One thing I wanted to make sure of was that any infraction he got in trouble for was one that the teacher saw herself. It became a cycle where a child would tattle on him and he would be in trouble, so if anything went wrong, well it must have been him. And I would request the teacher write specifically what happened and what was going on around him when it happened so that we could possibly identify trouble spots (however, it was amazing how much less he got in trouble, when the teacher had to put forth that extra effort too!) Stay in constant contact with his teacher, and volunteer or go eat lunch with him as often as you can.
And, I know it sounds counter-productive, but he didn't get in trouble at home unless it was a serious infraction. He had already been in trouble at school, had to sit out at recess, so no point in punishing again. Although he did know we were disappointed, and we always praised heavily when he didn't get in trouble that day. A hug and kiss, and a little "do better tomorrow" takes alot of pressure off of a little one. I also do not believe in spanking...sorry, but my husband does not hit me when I have a bad day, and I don't believe I should hit my kids when they have a bad day either..we all mess up sometimes. We have logical consequences in our house. For example, the kids are "fined" for various infractions (along the same lines as a police officer writing a ticket). My kids pay $1 for me to pick up their shoes and put them away (cleaning fee), $2 for jumping on the furniture (so I will be able to buy a new couch one day) and $5 for asking the same question just in a different form that I have already told them the answer to (no, you may not play in the street no matter how many ways you ask). They earn money buy doing extra chores. Recently with my son's grades dropping, he has been earning less lunch money to spend in the snack line..hey, uneducated people make less money, so therefore when you bring your grades up you get a raise!
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, although I know it doesn't feel that way now. One day he will be telling you why he felt he needed to lie, or that he feels that he was still wrongly punished, or really how the teacher was that year.
I wish you and your son all the best!
What frustration for you! Sounds like you have a strong willed child who likes to test boundaries. You mentioned hay he was held back. Is he repeating this year? He could be acting out dorm frustration of being In the same grade. Behavior probes in school, are typically from academic struggles kids can't articulate. I used a Sylvan years ago, when my son was in a similar situation. They located some specific areas where he needed help. Once there we saw quick changes in behavior.....I can't explain why but with more time academics were much better too. When our daughter acted out she was older, we tested her too but they said her skills were fine and we took her to a counselor, turns out there were problems with some of her friends. Girls can be cruel. If it continues look for another opinion to get perspective. Consequences are key when he isn't honest. Yelling natural reaction but not the best if teaching self control....but you already knowmthis. Good luck.
I truly believe what is missing in School and our society is is two things...The Bible and good old fashion disicpline which does include spankings. Has anyone looked at most of the teenagers in our society? They have no reason to care or want to do anything. They have never been forced to do anything and most kids have not received the good old spankings and disipline for doing what is wrong. ADD and ADHD does exist and I have a son that has a sensory disorder with lots of issues that goes along with that...but at the same time just because he has a "diagnosis" doesn't mean he gets special treatment! Is his job going to give him special treatment for this diagnosis when he is an adult? NO. Do you really want to medicate your son to the point of no personality and robot status like the schools expect? ( my brother in law was given meds and he started abusing the meds and using them to get "high") What that diagnosis means is that We are going to have to work harder and overcome it! That means I have to work with him and constantly talk to him until I'm blue in the face! And trust me I get blue in the face a lot...he is a struggle but with prayer and hard work he WILL make it through!
I had the same problems with my son always getting in trouble and the school kept complaining and asking why I couldn't come up there and take care of the problem. I finally put my foot down and said my son knows to act right at home because he knows he will get a spanking if he does something wrong. All they do at school is talk to him and send him to the office. He looked at it like wow...I get out of the classroom to sit at the office if I act up so I choose going to the office, it's easier than schoolwork. So I requested corpal punishment be utililized on my son at school. Guess what? He has only acted up maybe 6 times in the last year and a half and it was only a ticket pulled--he hasn't been back to the office. Fear is a good thing and so is spanking...it's in the bible, I received it growing up, my parents received them growing up, my grandparents received them...why is society changing this? Why are we so dependent on a diagnosis now days? ADD And ADHD are not new to this world it's that society decided to label the kids acting up instead of handling the real problem. We need good hard working adults we don't need any more of this Nintendo Age...it needs to end and unfortuantly it depends on us as parents standing up for what we know is right. I for one am sick and tired of seeing parents handing their kids everything they could ever want! That is part of the problem as well we are rewarding them with things! And we wonder why our country is in debt. We all have the I wants and get whatever we want. What about praise for doing good and spankings for the bad.
When my son does receive a spanking he is also given love which includes hugs and kisses and explanations and examples of why we need to act better, why the teacher deserves respect. I also tell him that spanking him hurts me as much as it hurts him! Funny thing is my niece at 16 kept my kids over the summer and finally told me she did understand what her mom meant when she said that!
My prayers and thoughts are with you!
One thing popped into my mind. Have you ever looked at the kind of activity he gives you this look for? I have kids who have trouble with thier motor planning processing skills. If I tell them to do something that seems easy to me, they have no idea how to get started with that task, and for some kids, especially very smart ones, they are just stunned when that happens to them, and would rather be in trouble and claim that they "wanted" to do that, or that they intended to be in trouble, than it is to admit that something was too hard for them to do. If they are very smart, they probably anticipate you telling them that they are full of it, because they think that they should be smart enough to do what ever you asked of them too. It is fairly common, especially for this age.
If the things he refuses have a pattern (and you really have to look closely, because it is not going to be obvious) then you might what to have his processing skills assessed to see if he has a particular deficit, or perhaps even just a relative weakness in an area.
Remember that behavior is a form of communication. I would really try to figure out what he is trying to tell you with this, and that might not be easy to evaluate if you are punishing him. It may be that it is all deliberate, but that is not my experience when the issue is primarily a school issue. I would look deeper and target what I did so that it both cracked down on the behavior, and helped him make real progress with the issue that caused it in the first place.
M.
I agree with the reward system. Make sure that he's included in deciding what the rewards and punishments are going to be--this is vital for his cooperation. And don't take things away---add chores for punishment. As for him lying about his behavior, speak to the teacher, and work out some communication system (like notes in the backpack) to track him daily. He needs to see that you're on top of this, and he can't cover anything up. Please stop yelling. That basically tells him he's winning because you've lost control, and are trying to control him with fear. It also teaches him to be aggressive with others to get what he wants. Not really something you want to teach, and it's not working anyway.
