8 Year Old Hates Little Sister

time to stop the older child! Don't leave them together unattended & you'll see an improvement in behavior. The odds are she won't pull these stunts if you're in the room.

& now I'm going to ask an invasive question: does she watch tv & what shows? You might take a look at this....it makes a lot of difference in attitude & behavior. Good Luck...

My 8y nephew dislikes his 3y stepsis, even tho stepsis LOVES him. Yet, he like hanging out with my 4y daughter.

My sons are nearly four years apart and they have their bad days, but I don't remember my eldest ever saying he wished he didn't have his little brother.

First of all, physically hurting a sibling is NEVER ok. Ever, ever, ever. At 8 years old, your daughter knows this (or should) AND should know that she must control her strength. That is HER responsibility as the eldest. This should be non-negotiable. I would punish my son pretty harshly if he used his superior strength and size to hurt his little bro.

Second, purposefully hurting a sibling emotionally is NEVER ok, either. Ever, ever, ever. Again, your 8 year old should know this. It seems like your "empathy" lessons aren't sticking, nor is talking it out.

That said, I encourage you to up the pain factor on your 8 year old. No, I don't mean physically punish her, but I would sit her down and, in no uncertain terms, lay out the "new world order." Henceforth, she will not physically or emotionally hurt her little sister (avoid the lawyer debate...keep it simple...no hurt and her previous history makes "accidents" hard to believe). Doing so will result in an immediate and severe loss of privileges. For me, this would be stripping my son's room of everything but clothes and a bed and issuing a VERY long list of chores. Plus, no play dates, no dance/gymnastics/sports lessons, no tv, no electronics, no grandparents, nada. She will be shunned from the family except for meal times. Sounds harsh? You betcha! It's just as harsh as being told "I don't want you and I wish you weren't here" which is, essentially, what your 8 year old is telling her sister. Time for her to REALLY taste the medicine she's dishing out. She and her bossy self can sit in her room and ponder just how much fun it is to be so mean. This will also show your little one that you have her back and that she is a valued member of the family.

To balance this "cell block" approach, I would also institute "goody tickets" for your 8 year old. Every time you catch them playing nicely together or catch your 8yo being a good big sis, she gets a "goody ticket" redeemable for a special treat. Be aware of the "fake goodness" whereby your 8yo will play nice only when you're present and be mean behind your back.

Yes, I've had to do similar things with my sons. My youngest is a drama king and I spent a lot of years sorting through the "real" stuff versus the "I'm bored and it's fun to watch big bro get yelled at" stuff. The worst punishment I could ever dish out to my boys was to ground them from each other. Not letting them play/hang out together, even now at 17 and 13, is by far the worst thing I can do to them. Case in point, my husband, eldest and I were out of town for a few days looking at a college. My youngest was with my mom...with a brand new cell phone. Who did my youngest text a million times a day? His big bro! Even 2000 miles apart they were inseparable.

As I re-read this, I realize I'm really coming down on your 8yo. Calling her mean is likely offensive. Apologies. But, if it weren't your kids involved, wouldn't you say the older kid was being mean for hurting a smaller, younger kid? That's why I chose that word and the punishments I recommended. Sounds like you have a bully on your hands. I know that's not easy to hear--and, goodness knows, it's not easy to say--but that's what I see from your post. <sigh> There's a lot of responsibility that comes with being the eldest and it's not easy. Your job is to help her step up.

BTW, I asked my sons how they would respond to your post. They stared at me and said, "Mom, girls just don't make any sense. We can't help." Sorry...I tried...

Hugs, dear mama. This is not an easy situation and I'm not sure I helped much. Good luck.

Hi, J.,

If you are making sure that your 8 yo gets enough one on one time with you, and she is still doing this, then - I'm sorry, but.... - she's just being a spoiled brat.

Time to stop the time outs and start taking away privileges. Some sibling rivalry is normal. This is not. And you need to stop it now.

The rule in our house is "We treat each other with kindness and respect." Each week, I write every fun thing I plan to do with the children on the blackboard in the kitchen. (things like: go to the library; go to the bookstore; play miniature golf; camp out in backyard; go to the pool, etc.)

Then, each time I hear one or the other of my children (they are 3 years apart) say something to the other that is not kind or respectful, I hand them the eraser and make them wipe one thing off the list.

I've been doing it for a year now and it works great! We have never had a week where everything was wiped off, though some weeks we did get down to 2 things!

Good luck!

Maybe you need to cut the chit chat and up the punishment! If my son (9) told his little sis (7) that he wished she weren't his sister, he'd be sleeping on the floor and his toys would be gone! That's abusive horrible talk. And as for physically hurting her - 8 is plenty old enough to know not to harm a 4 yr old. Now mine are closer in age and size and they hurt each other all the time, but it's mutual! They would never hurt one of their younger/smaller cousins for instance. I'd tell her to get over herself, get the chip off her shoulder, stop acting like a conceited brat and be a loving part of the family or her butt can sit in her room all by herself!!!

Okay, I have a sibling like that.
KNOW... that having a sibling like that... is very detrimental to the younger sibling. It is, TOXIC.

My older sibling, actually told me when we were grown-ups, that she hated me and resented me and was always jealous of me and wished I was not around. THAT... is really, toxic, of her.

Growing up with a sibling like that, was VERY OPPRESSIVE. Sure, my parents tried things to discipline her. But well, she still acted like that to me.
It was her personality, coupled with a bad attitude and sense of entitlement.
As a grown up, she even got therapy for herself, to improve. Thankfully. Well so now, she is better. But, I still do NOT, trust, her.

So... my advice to you is, get counseling for your Eldest if you have to.
Because... this is really dysfunctional... if it is allowed to go on... and it will.... dismantle any kind of normalcy for your younger child.... and for your ENTIRE family.
It will... as time goes on and your 8 year old gets older... it will, cause conflicts in your Family.
It did to ours.

Being BULLIED, everyday, by an elder sibling, SUCKS.
It is, awful.

Your Eldest child, has to learn, about coping and POSITIVE ways of doing so.
She CANNOT... just in a TOXIC BULLY manner... take out her hang-ups, on the younger sibling.

I, hated my elder sibling.
We get along now.
But it took until, adulthood... for that to happen.
YEARS. And at one point, I just cut her out of my life.
She was just TOO Toxic.

You need to think HARD... about the repercussions, of what your Eldest child is doing, to the younger sibling.... and how it is really, harmful to the younger sibling.

Your punishments/discipline on your Eldest child, is NOT working.
It is NOT working.
I suggest, child Therapy for her.

You cannot change your eldest child's 'attitude' by punishments. Because, your older child... will still feel resentment toward your younger child, no matter what... even despite punishments.

My Elder sibling, got TONS of attention from my parents, and they treated her just fine.
But that sibling of mine, was just still... very Bullying. To me.
And, for NO GOOD reason.
I used to think my elder sibling was just a monster.

To this day, even if we get along now, better... I do not trust her.
She'd even attack my Husband and resent him... because then once I got married, she got JEALOUS of my Husband... since she NO longer, had 'my' attention.
Do you see, how TOXIC this vicious cycle is????
The ramifications, of it????

And yes, my elder sibling, did this to friends too. So she had friendship problems, too.

GET child Therapy for your eldest child.
You gotta nip this in the bud.

All I know is what I went through with a sibling like that.
So just conveying my story of it.
As we got older, my Elder sibling, just treated my like a "Dumpster" for her problems. It was, very, very, oppressive.

Do something about it now. Because, it is NOT healthy nor fair... to the younger child.
Do not be an enabler, for your Elder child's behavior.
This type of thing, is not always, outgrown.

It does not matter, that your younger child is 'sensitive.' BECAUSE, the Elder sibling, is just mean... and even said she wishes she didn't have a little sister.
Your Elder child, is taking out her hang-ups... on the younger sibling.
This cannot, go on.

If your eight year old is pushing around her little sister and her friends and you describe her as "bossy", she's probably a naturally dominant personality. Yes, this is normal in a naturally dominant personality. It is not acceptable, nor something you want to allow to continue. The way you train her now will determine whether she grows up to be an amazing leader or a bully.

We talk a lot about the difference between influence and authority. Siblings have the power of influence over each other: suggestions, advice, negotiation, distraction, etc. Parents have the power of authority over children: punishment, giving order, etc. Of course, competent authority figures use the tools of influence as much as possible, and use authority only when absolutely required.

Sit your daughter down and let her know that you've noticed that she likes to be in charge. Explain to her that being a leader involves making sure that things are working well for everyone. If she is just pushing people around to get her own way, that is not being a leader, that's being a bully. And you love her too much to allow her to be a bully.

Also, talk about true consent. Someone who is truly consenting to her play idea will look happy and excited. Someone who is curled up in a ball, cringing, cowering, or crying and saying "...okay...", is not actually consenting. That is false consent. Teach her to read body language as well as words.

Help her learn the tools of influence and help her use them. Expect her to only move forward with a plan when she has true consent from other participants. Teach her to stop and ask for other people's ideas, then incorporate those ideas into her plans. Remind her constantly that she is *not* an authority, and come down hard on her for taking authority that is not hers. She can lead by influence, she can follow, or she can play alone.

Make sure that bullying, bossy, or hurtful behavior results in immediate social isolation (ie: send her to a room alone). Let her know that you acknowledge her as a natural leader and you expect her to use that power responsibly. Talk about the link between power and responsibility.

Let her know that when she masters the skills of positive influence, people will trust her enough to give her real authority. Real authority is a lot of work, but it's pretty cool to have some actual power. But power is *earned*. And she's got a lot of earning to do.

Power=responsibility. Responsibility=power. Drive this point over and over in as many ways as possible. Part of responsibility is treating everyone around her well, including her little sister.

Good luck!

I also agree, an 8 year old really is old enought to know better. My daughter who is 12 and my son-the middle child- who is 8 always fight and argue but have never hurt one another, the fighting-annoying the other sibling is kind'a normal but the hitting-hurting should never occur. I think she's alittle too old for time outs, you need to start grounding her, in other words not being able to play with friends, ride her bike, watchh t.v. But make sure that you let her see what she's done to her little sister and definately talk to her about it and let her know that its wrong. As for her saying that she wishes she never had alittle sister, talk to her about it and turn it around and ask her how would she feel if her little sister had said something like that to her? I'm sure she wouldn't like it and let her know that its a hurtful thing to say. Other then that, the physically part (huting little sister) need's to stop. Good Luck!

Amanda told you this in different words. But aside from the harsh wording I agree.

Let her know that you understand that sometimes she doesn't like having her little sister around, but she's here to stay. You love both of them very much, but will NOT tolerate hitting, kicking, mean talk, etc. Everytime she starts acting out, ask her if she would like to play nice/act right or if she'd like to go to her room for the next half hour. If she cannot play nicely together, she will have to play alone for a while.

Also schedule some you and her time and her and dad times.. Story time on Monday's at 7 pm with mom etc. But if she's acting up at 6:45 and has to go to her room for half an hour. She just lost that story time.

Another thought is the do unto others stuff. Maybe if you went about it from a it disappoints mommy, makes mommy sad when you hurt your sister.... Maybe that concept would stick better.

The only thing I can say for sure is no bribing and make the punishment fit the crime. Can't play well with others, you get to play alone. That fits the crime a lot better than having to sit in the corner because mom said to.

Now I'm not saying that if you have a really good couple of days in a row, you can't create sporadic plans (no advance notice to the kids) and go to the zoo, to get ice cream (a fun family event). Also if you're out and about having fun as a family and she starts acting up. Stop, and go home. Since they can't play nice, it must mean they're tired of being there.

I do not think this is normal.
I suggest you look into counselling.
My kids are spaced pretty far apart, and sure they quibble from time to time...but they do not hurt each other physically or with words...kids don't always get along every day...but they should love each other and be able to get along sometimes...yes some time apart is ok, and you should have individual time with each child as well...but I have to say my two youngest are 4 and 10 and they play together for a short period of time everyday...and always have, and the 10 year olds brother is 5 years older than her, and even being brother and sister they too have gotten along for the most part.

I come from a family of 8 kids, and I don't think it's normal. I would set aside a block of time with just the 8 year old, and have a very direct talk with her about why she feels the way she does. Try to draw out from her what her worries or grievances are. Try to stimulate some empathy and camaraderie towards her sister, and make her feel the value of her role as the big sister. If there is something the 4 year old does that is a problem, then address that - for example, if the 4 year old is constantly intruding in the 8 year olds space, give her a sanctuary of sorts that the little sister is not allowed into.

I remember sometimes I just wanted to read, alone, and my mom would let me lay on her bed with the door closed - my sibs never thought to look for me there!

Overall, though, make it clear that abusive talk and hurtful behavior are not going to be tolerated.

Well, in my experience some sibling rivalry is common including arguing, teasing, insulting and some physical fighting. But it needs to be discouraged with consequences. And the older one needs to have some chance to do her own thing without the little one tagging along. I am 4.5 years older than my sister. I remember what it was like being the only child and did not like having a sibling (she was born the week I started Kindergarten). It took until I was 8 or 9 until I resigned myself to being stuck with a sister and started getting along more with her. We mostly stopped fighting by the time I was 12. We are friends now, though we still sometimes get on one another's nerves if we are together for an extended period. My mom (the oldest of 5 siblings all spaced about 4 years apart) pretty much said you have to treat each other decently, you don't have to be best friends. And that you will appreciate your sibling when you are older. My mom is still close with her younger sisters but wasn't really until they were all adults. Her next youngest sister was the one she fought with most as kids and the one she was closest to as an adult.

My kids are 3 years apart. My older one still isn't thrilled he has a sister but they can play together a bit now the younger one is 2.5. Some say closer in age siblings are closer but I think personalities play a role too. My husband never talks to his brother and they are only 14 months apart.

I've heard great things about the book Siblings Without Rivalry but haven't gotten to read it yet. You could try teaching them conflict negotiating skills (Peaceful Parenting is a good book for that).

I don't know if any of that helps but good luck.

I'd have to agree with everyone else. It's not normal to hurt someone. That cannnot be allowed. An 8 year old is WAY old enough to understand that.

WooHoo! You go girl...Amanda W.!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is completely normal. There is about 5 years between myself and my younger (middle) sister and I know we had similar issues growing up. I wouldn't let the older one play with the younger one and friends. make sure she has her own play dates and friends. Also watch for the younger one to instigate things, if she doesn't now she will some day. I used to be bossy and mean to my younger sister, but she would do things to push my buttons and get me mad and because I was older I always got in trouble.

We didn't start really getting along until we were adults, married with kids. So don't worry if they don't get along while growing up, someday they will. Also there will be good days and bad days. As the older one grows up and becomes more responsible it will get better. Just continue being consistent with the consequences!

Let me add one more thing, I do agree that the violence is not normal, but I think all kids go through a phase where they learn hitting is not the way to resolve things. So as long as it's not extreme (leaving bruises etc.) I'd say not to worry too much about it. I can remember saying that I hated my little sister and that I wished I was an only child. But I also would do anything to defend my little sisters and even when I couldn't stand them I wouldn't allow anyone else to be mean to them (just me). Trust me it will get better as they get older!

I was one of those older siblings. I did go to therapy and the therapist basically said that I was so jealous of her I couldn't stand it. (I actually went for a different issue, but the therapist said the sibling rivalry was the reason for that too.) You still need to be consistent and try to stop the extreme behavior so the younger sister isn't bullied. I saw my sister getting advantages I didn't when we were younger, so make sure things don't seem unfair if possible too. If it's extreme, a therapist might help. My sister and I get along great now, and things did get better for us as we got older. It was easier not to be jealous when we were old enough (like jr high and high school) to have our own lives be so involved with school and our own friends that we stopped caring about every little thing our sibling did. We are only 2 years apart.

Read "Siblings Without Rivalry" - it might help.

Well I don't remember when I was 4 exactly but my brother and I are 5 years apart (he's older) and we fought like crazy for a lot of years! Probably around the time he got into middle/high school things started to mellow out between us, mostly b/c he decided to stop being so mean ;), so I'm tempted to say that you are doing the right things and it's probably pretty normal.

I would not allow the violence but in your home with their siblings is where kids learn the world is not perfect and is mean sometimes. Totally normal otherwise.