8 Year Old Son Scared to Leave Me

There is something very wrong at his dad's. I wouldn't let him go back until you get to the bottom of it! If Dad has any interest in his son's well being he will agree and help.

I was as mystified by this as you seem to be, until I read your profile and a thought occurred to me. Does your son have anyone that he plays with at his dad's - either a child from a current relationship with your husband or a neighbor? What struck me is the age of your daughter. We have a friend that has a baby daughter, about 8 months old now, in the beginning my daughters didn't pay much attention to her, now that she responds to them and will interact with toys they have, when we're together this little girl is their world. Maybe, and it could be a stretch, your son is bored? You may need to have him talk to a specialist to get the whole puzzle put together though.

Maybe it is something, but maybe it isn't. At some age kids start to be afraid. They become aware of things that can hurt them and their imagination starts to get the best of them. It's possible that he is just at that age and would rather be with you. Try not to panic. He will sense that and his fear will be multiplied.

Good luck!

S.

Hi E., I feel for you. It's hard to have your child struggle. I think counseling is the right step for sure. I also thing some of the other moms had great advice. There could be several reasons compiling into one that are causing Devin's seperation anxiety. When our children are babies and are going through that seperation stage we are constantly reassuring them 'Mommy's right here, you're okay'. This needs to be carried over whenever they are feeling insecure. If you are certain Devin is out of harms way with your ex, then reassure him. Tell him he's okay and get Dad in on it too. Dad has to be more sympathetic to what Devin is going through. Cedar Point is a great start with Dad. Keep reassuring Devin it's going to be FUN and he'll be SAFE with Dad. The counselor will tell you how to talk to Devin without Devin feeling like he has to go on the defense that 'nothing is wrong'. Keep telling him that you're here to make sure he's safe and you'll help him solve whatever is making him feel this way. Also label his emotions for him- like you did when bringing up being sad. Children often dont understand why they feel the way they do or view their emotions as what they should be. If you say things like 'I see you're frustrated' or 'I understand you're worried about going to Dad's, but everything is okay and I'm only a phone call away'. Make it known to him that it's OKAY for him to be feeling whatever it is he's feeling and that you're going to HELP and just keep reassuring him! Good Luck Mama!!!!

I believe you have a right to be concerned. Something is going on at his dad's house. I can't see a boy not wanting to go to see his dad and behaving that way.

Getting counseling sounds like the best route. Professionals know how to get children to open up. Having a medical professional's diagnosis/opinion will help you with any legal situations.

Good luck and God Bless you and your son!

M.

I'd definitely take him for counselling so you have a neutral 3rd-party involved in this touchy situation. The only thing you didn't mention is if he's worried about you or the baby for some reason and feels he needs to be there for you. Or might he think you and Ava are having a ball while he's away? You didn't say if she goes too. Some kids just have trouble with transitions but you said he'd been OK for a long time before this, so unless something else is going on - changing schools, moving, grandma dying or something else big, I'd say it has to do with dad or possibly his feeling he's needed at home. I'd keep trying to get him to talk, possibly through play with his action figures or something. Hope all is well, E.. This must be so upsetting for you.

We have had some issues with my step daughter not wanting to leave her Mom through out the years. It doesn't sound like it was as extreme but similar. She is 8 now and the last time wasn't too long ago. That particular time it was because her step dad was going to be gone and she was worried about her Mom. Her Mom innocently gushes about how much she will miss her etc but we have found that is not good. She has since tried encouraging more instead of the guilt. Both kids went though a lot of guilt being pulled back and forth. I do think that it helps that we try to make sure she understands it is ok and she just needs to tell us what she is feeling. We have also tried to respect her feelings and let her go back to her Mom at times so that she knows it really is ok and she can talk to us. Sometimes she doesn't want to talk so I have to give examples. I had to step into her head and ask point blank if she was worried about her Mom being alone the last time and then she spilled it that her Mom would have to feed the cats and the lizard and clean the litter box with no help etc. If you could get your ex to try to understand I think it would REALLY go a long way. Unfortunately probably much like your situation had my husbands ex told him these things he would probably just get defensive and rebel. They are also men so they don't always handle things the way we would. Very hard... try to talk to him with out telling him what to do if you can. Maybe like you are looking for his advice to start and then work in thoughts? It would be wonderful if the 2 of you could work through this together. A 3rd party counselor can't hurt. Maybe see if your ex can meet with the counselor alone sometime so he won't feel on the defense. I know when my husband hears things from a professional he takes it much better than when he hears it from her. Sad but true... such is life I guess. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more. I may be a good 3rd party to bounce things off of since I have witnessed the other side of things. Hang in there!

Hi E.,

It definitely sounds like something has changed at your ex's house. Does he have anew girlfriend? Is there anyone around that's new? Your ex doesn't sound too sympathetic to the situation. Maybe your son is getting love and affection from you when he isn't getting it from his dad. You've made the right step in taking him in for therapy. I would keep detailed notes on what happens when you drop him off/pick him up, any changes in your ex's house, what is said, your ex's response to the situation, what he does, everything. It will help your son's therapist and will be a good guide of how things have been going if you should ever need to take your ex to court to reduce/limit visitation for any reason. Be gentle and listen. Your son will tell you in his own way.

My heart goes out to you - good luck!

S.

E. - Maybe Devin is concerned that while he is gone Ava is getting all of you and you won't want/need/love him anymore.

I think you are on the right track with counselling.

Good luck.

Anything is possible including jealousy over what you do with the 1 yr old when your son is at dads. I was in a prior relationship with a divorced dad and how his weekend went with his daughter often depended on her mom. Her mom would call a bunch of times during his weekends and many times after the call, his daughter's attitude would become horrible or she would have her mom come get her so she could go do whatever it was mom was going to do. His daughter would also get upset or be worried if her mom was home alone for the weekend as her mom would make a big deal about it and she generally made a big deal about how much she would miss her daughter while she was at dads. She really messed up her daughter. I'm not saying that you are doing anything wrong, just showing that it is not always a problem at dad's house that is causing the issue.

The best thing to do is get your son into counseling and let an unbiased person figure out what is going on. It can cause far more harm than good to assume something is wrong at dad's house.

Hi E.,

Maybe I can help. There are several ways that you may approach this problem that may shed some light on what is going on. I divorced my now 14 year old daughter's dad when she was 1.5 years old. She moved in with her dad 2 years ago after years of fighting back and forth. Through the years of custody battles and visitation, there were many times when changes were going on in either my house or my ex's and my daughter fought to not be with one parent vs. the other. Is Devin close to anyone on your side that could talk to him? Maybe your parents or other relative will be more successful in finding out more details? They could non-chalantly ask him how his dad is and if he's having problems with his dad. The behavior that Devin is experiencing is exactly what my daughter exhibited when my ex and his wife were having marital problems. What is dad's living situation? Does he have someone in his life or is he in a difficult situation that his causing stress when Devin visits? Children do not always know how to talk about things that bother them, so they act out. On the flip side, is there anything going on with you that Devin may be having a hard time adjusting to? I know with my daughter, she had a hard time when I started dating again and then remarried--having new people around changed the dynamics. I would if possible, try to talk to Devin's dad in a non-confrontational matter and find out what is going on. Whatever it is, it is obviously making Devin scared and that's not a good thing--and it doesn't necessarily mean it is with Dad--it could be with you too. If you can get a non-confrontational, calm, communication channel between the two of you, it may ease some of the fears for Devin. For instance, when Devin is visiting his Dad and Devin becomes upset, Dad should allow him to call you so that it makes him feel better. Also, even at age 8, kids will play one parent against the other, so you two need to work together and be on the same page because you're the parents, which I know, is easier said than done sometimes. Dad needs to realize that Devin is only 8, not an adult. As a divorced mom, I can tell you that children that come from divorce can have many complex issues that are sometimes hard to handle without a professional's help--I think a good counselor who specializes in these family issues can be a very helpful neutral third party--you're on the right path. Above all, always follow your gut instincts--that's what great moms do:)

Good Luck,

M.

My heart breaks for you because I know the position this puts you in. My daughter went through this, and it was years before she would tell me what is bothering her. You must be the advocate for your son. I know you are trying to "keep the peace", but your son's well being is what's important. Your son is becoming the age where he is starting to understand some things. His dad my have someone new in his life, but because your son is still 8, he's not sure how to say how he feels. My daughter was angry because her father was being extremely judgemental so he would make comments about my parenting skills (he felt my daughter shouldn't talk to boys, go to the movies with just her friends, etc.), he judged our lifestyles (we didn't read the bible everyday or at least he thought we didnt), my choice of friends (everyone in our lives were sinners), do you get my point. My daughter felt that since he was judging me and my lifestyle, he was judging her. So my daughter decided she wasn't going to stay with him in California anymore. I had to have a hard heart-to-heart conversation with him. I let him know without anger or judgement, that he was driving a wedge between him and his daughter. His problem was not with me and if he didn't figure it out, he would not have her in his life anymore and it would be by her choice not mine. This summer my daughter decided to stay home instead of going to california and I can see the difference. She has had some issues with friends, boyfriends, that kind of stuff, but she has said she's glad she's going through it here at home, than in California, because her dad wouldn't have helped. I'm sorry for being long-winded, but I hope you take my advice, be your son's advocate, talk with the dad not at the dad, because he probably feels insecure about the situation. He probably feels that you are blaming him for your son's behavior. Assure him that you just want the best for your son. But if it means him not seeing his dad until he can work out his issues, give your son that time, he shouldn't be forced to be somewhere that he's not happy.