8 Yr Old Behavior Issues at School

Hi S.,

Well I don't know how to put this except that I had and still have the same problem with my 9 yr old son and after the school diagnosed my son I took him to Texas Children's Hospital to the Blue Bird Clinic and it turns out that he has something known as Asperger's Syndrome which is a high functioning form of Autism. I am not saying that your son has this but that there might be more to it than just disobeying - they tried to put "ED Label" on my son which means Emotionally Disturbed and I fought it tooth and nail. And I am so glad that I did now instead of accepting thier first knee jerk reaction to just label him ED. Good luck.

D.

Hi S.,

I have a 12 year old son that WAS in PISD. I begged them to let him have another year in elementary school in 4th grade. I hired an advocate and had her go to the middle school with us, and state all of our concerns. We were "assured" compromise that was agreed on would be implemented. Bull-you-know-what! My sweet boy went from loving to learn, to being paranoid about who would next corner him in the bathroom. He would eat lunch at the end of the table (so he could be 1st in line), so he wouldn't have to line up somewhere in the middle and be squished & pushed around. He was so busy trying to adjust to being a preteen, that he completly stopped trying at school Then the teachers wouldcall me saying,"He's been laying his head on his desk for 3 weeks." Well, why the heck couldn't they tell me that before?!

He had been on meds all through grade school, but honestly it never really did anything for him, just the teachers. Be quiet and just take this work home for your mom to help you with. Other students would tell me that he was ignored by the teachers in class. Sometimes he would get a D in science, only the very next semester to get an A. When I asked the teacher what happened, they would say, he took an interest in what we were actually doing. Some kids can't tune in when it's boring for them.

I changed his diet completely. Yes, it's more expensive but he is so much more calm. I avoid all dyes, dairy, gluten (wheat, barley, rye), soy & most anything that's processed or has nitrites. Yes that are still things he can eat, that's the next question I get. When I did this, his meds were cut in half. Now we have him at home, I find other ways to work with him. First thing, we take his easy subject that he's pretty good at-spelling. As soon as he's done, he gets 10 minutes to play on the trampoline! Then he's more awake, we hammer out math. As a reward, we go for our bike ride (AKA P.E. time!) Lunch when we get back-we'll watch the history channel. Then we work on grammar or science. He gets a small break to swing on our swing set, then to finish off, he reads independently. Once every two weeks we go to a museum or field trip.

He is so much happier and learning so much more being homeschooled. Contact me if you've got questions.

S. C.

I would say a few things that should help... one is behavior modifications should continue no matter what... find a good counselor. Being "at odds" with the father is very much felt by children and may be a significant impact. I have had a divorce and regret the attitude I had about the father - they picked it up even tho I tried NOT to express my feelings in front of them(I say "I" cause you can only control your feelings and actions... you can't control him, I know this myself.) I would recommend reading by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People. This is an old book but extremely relevant today. Very important to help you deal with anyone with whom you disagree with. My children even tho grown still have the residues of MY pain that I had when dealing with their father during and after the divorce. I wished i had kept my thoughts about us a secret. It really did impact my children negatively. I also believe that you child may be having an allergic reaction to dairy or gluten in wheat. This has be proven over and over... the fool that one craves is likely the food they are allergic to. Dairy and gluten are the prime sources of problems. My oldest son had ADHD and improved dramatically by taking Shaklee vitamins and supplements. If money is an issue, I would recommend the SHAKLEE multivitamin and perhaps B complex or lecithin or alfalfa. My son would dramatically change at school and home if he took his supplements. The teachers and my non believing husband were shocked by the difference in his attitude and actions. He was more able to focus and behave with the vitamins. Good luck... my best to you... I know it is a tough time. SHaklee products are all natural. And by the way, his diet should be suspect (normally dairy and/or gluten are allergens) but it could be anything. There are some good info on the internet about that.

Dad is right. These schools don't care anymore about getting to the core of the issue and helping the child grow through it. We utilize TXVA.org to homeschool two children in our daycare. They are ages 6 and 9. The mother's employer threatened her job if she missed one more day or left early. This parent is also divorced, but when she asked us to homeschool them, I sat down with both parents. My husband and I fostered before opening our home daycare. One of the first things foster classes taught us was... as many years as it took to develop the behavior, it will take that many more to reverse it. If you get a handle on his emotions now, by his teen years, you will be able to prep him for working society. We've homeschooled her children 1 year now. They started out stabbing one another with pencils and throwing things. We found out the fight was due to differential treatment between them. One child was resented for resembling the father and his people. The kids abused their friends with ugly words and physically lashing out. We found out the parents' divorce was due to domestic, violent disputes. The parents admitted that when the children were younger, they did not allow anyone to speak sternly with them or reprimand them when they were wrong. This allowed the children to reak havok with whomever they were left with. This resulted in family not allowing them to even sleep-over. Meds don't fix poor parenting choices. He'll be zonked for a few hours. He won't eat the entire time. It will wear off, he'll be enraged with pent-up frustrations and energy and your evenings will be off the chain. You will find yourself re-dosing him to sleep at night. I've seen it over and over. The solution to the problem is choosing to "fix" it by making that difficult choice to find a homeschooling alternative that will be sensitive to his needs and yet savvy enough to get the education he needs. You want to produce to society a productive citizen, loving husband and father. Others might find the experience I've shared unbelievable, but you and I both know that it happens every day. Your child is not the only one. You are not alone. Now you know there are solutions. DONNA P is also right. One of her children does have a form of "functioning" Autism! Hope this helps.

S. - If he is in the process of being diagnosed I do not believe that they can move him to an alternate school. Is he 504? If not, request it now and then modify to SpEd status if you get a "label". A label's not such a bad thing. That means the school has to do what they're advised to do by an educational diagnostician and your Dr as to what's best for your son. It also means that (depending on diagnosis) you can possibly get financial assistance - especially if your ex isn't stepping up to the plate. If your ex tries to take you to court to force homeschooling, I would think that a judge would dismiss it based upon the school file and it could be considered negligence NOT to get him the special assistance he needs. You said that he doesn't exhibit these behaviors at home. What about last year in school? Cculd it be that he's acting out because of the divorce? Perhaps he needs counseling at school (anger management assistance) as well as family counseling at home!

L.

Something you wrote really jumped out at me and that is that his behavior at home is nothing like his behavior at school. That could be a red flag. My own child was abused by her teacher in first grade in a Pasadena school. I was working and unaware of it for almost the whole school year, until another mom looked up my phone number in the book and called to inform me about it. She was in the habit of having lunch with her child at school and knew all about the abuse; all the kids in the class were talking about it, but my kid was speech impaired. We had to get a lawyer (one guy against their big law firm), but we "won."
If your child does not show those behavioral problems at home, then please don't be letting those teachers medicate your child. I am really glad that your son's father is fighting you a little on this. This is an opportunity for the two of you to work together for your son's sake.
You may want to investigate the situation at school. It may just be a very negative environment with stressed out teachers and the stress rubs off on the kids.
By the way, Deer Park ISD has open enrollment, which means that you don't have to live there to go there, and it is close to Pasadena. It could be an easy fix.
Linda C.

Hi. Our son sounds similar to your son. He has severe ADHD with an emphasis on the hyperactivity. His current school made some tragic (and illegal) errors when placing him on hybrid behavior plan not approved by the PISD special education department. The plan basically punished him for his disability and alienated him from all other students. Although my son does not bite or fight, he can be manipulative in a passive/aggressive manor. Too high a IQ with low maturation. Here is my advice to you. Take this for what you will. If you can not afford private school, you may want to consider special education friendly schools (Wells, Hedgecoxe & Gulledge come to mind). Make sure you hire a qualified child advocate; a person dedicated to support you and your child through the ARD meetings. Steve Steen with Students 1st is an excellent choice. Find a child / adolescent psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD. I recommend Dr. Michael Scott Woods on Parker Road. He's been written up in D Magazine and maintains a one man office so he can keep a relationship with his patients. He's excellent and has saved me many, many times. With ADHD kids, medication is an inevitability. A strong psychologist who specializes in ADHD behaviors would also benefit your situation. Dr. Kathy Stevenson on Plano Parkway is magnificent. Finally, if you combine medicine with therapy and can afford private school, Glen Lakes on Custer is a good private school catering to ADHD and other learning disabled.

I hope I've helped you. Good luck. You are not alone.

I am a behavior teacher in the Houston area. A couple of your options are as follows: look up private alternative schools on the internet and see what is available in whatever part of Houston you live in. Also, you can look up residential treatment centers. But, just so you know these schools are often expensive. Two good ones that I know of are River Oaks Academy, and Shiloh.

Does you son get to see his dad often? My nephew is going through just about the same issues and he is only in pre-K.His mom and dad a going through a divorce as we speak and he is acting this was as in part of trying to get attention from his dad. How sad Huh!? I have another newphew from the other side of the family that ADD, ADHT and is part atistic. His did not talk until he was four when his conditions were found. He has been on several med through his little life, but he has the right combo of meds and he had come a long way from when he was small.You may want to have him fully tested because then you will know exactly what you are dealing with and that you can get the most help for your son. Once on meds, be sure to have a great relationship with the doctor and let them know if there are any chnges in his behavior once he is on meds. The doctor will only know if the meds are right if there is grat communication between you both. If one med does not work, do not give up it may take a while to find the right combo that is right for your son.Once on meds, you will relly see a change in your sons behavior and nost will be for the best. Maybe after the meds, you will have a chance to talk to the school and let them know what is going on. He may be able to stay where he is after the Dr. visit.

I wish you the best of luck and never give up!
J.

I know that relationships with ex's can be at times unbearable and what ever your ex's other motives I can say that in your case I would consider homeschooling. I saw a story on the TODAY show about a little boy who was talkative sweet and interactive at home and then at school he wouldnt speak a work. None of the teachers there had ever heard him nor his friends. The docs said he has a form of extreme shyness and I was wondering if there is another form of this anxiety that would cause a child to lash out. I know that you want to help your son, we all want to take care of our children but maybe you could look into the home schooling programs as well as the curriculum that would be taught... the bonus with home schooling is YOU and your ex, not anyone else has control over what your child learns. I would stay as far way from things like Riddelin and other drugs like that as they do have serious side effects like extreme lack of physical development. Not trying to scare you its just lots of people arent even aware of these problems. I hope this helps at least some what and if not, if you are completely against my advise I hope you find something that does work for you and your family.

S.

Please, please, please do yourself and your child a favor by putting him on medication as soon as possible.
A regular pediatrician can put him on the meds. Your are wasting time by waiting for all the psychologial goobble-de goop. I taught school for 30+ years, and have a child with ADHD. Kids do not want to misbehave. They want to behave and have friends. They want teachers and people to like them. With medication they can focus, behave, and learn. You are also interferring with his learning if you do not put him on medication. He will get so far behind educationally that he can't get caught up. My son and I had a friend with a child that was a friend of my sons. My son was on meds, hers wasn't because she was afraid it would stunt his growth. I told her he could get a job if he was short, but would never get one if he couldn't read. I see her occasionally, her son doesn't have a job, can't keep a job, and is very depressed. My son is working as a plumber and is doing fairly well. He loves to read; right now he is reading To Kill A Mockingbird. He is 28 and I am so proud of him. So please, please help your child by putting him on meds immediately. Another mom...

Wow, what a touch situation. Since he is so good at home maybe you should give home schooling a try. Maybe some other mother that home schools would be willing to take him on. I don't know if that is prodical but it may be worth a try. Watch his diet. Feed him all naturals products. This may help his behaviorial issues.

Don't worry. Your son feels the same lost feelings you are having. Let your son know you are on his side and you will be there no matter what. He may be lashing out because he feels it is the only way to get attention. My daughter once said good attention or bad it is all attention. I think your son is a perfect candidate to adhd medicine and your doctor needs to start something during springbreak so you both can get use to it together. As your son gets older things will get alittle easier for both of you.

My 13yo was diagnosed as ADHD when she was in 1st grade after battling thru day care after day care and then in K and 1st grade. She has been on medication since she was 6 and we have had ups and downs, but my advise to you is something I heard from her psychiatrist years ago..."if they are able to control themselves and be happy with medication, who wouldn't give it to them?" Anyone can criticize me for meds, but they can't imagine what our daily life is like until they have a child that tries to set the bushes on fire from impulsive behavior, or try to stab her sibling with scissors, or push them down the stairs...all of this when she was NOT medicated. Talk to your psychiatrist about alternative meds such as Stratera, non-narcotic, or just options you may have. I can tell you that military school will most likely be a lost cause...he needs something to help him focus on tasks at hand...SCHOOL. They have meds that help them focus at school but by 4 or so it wears off. I have a wonderful psychiatrist and therapist located right off 45/fuqua.

I feel for you. My son is 4 (almost 5) and was asked to leave a Montessori school for behavior problems. His behavior at his current HISD school has now become such a problem that his father and I have been asked to see the school counselor and then to have her work with him directly. She and the teachers feel that (even though he tends to be better at home than at school) the problem is "inconsistent parenting" and, in general, that his father and I don't get along well. We fight in front of him often, and it seems to be the root of his problem. We are planning to join forces for our son's sake and come up with a way to show him that we're 1) friends and 2) in agreement about our approach to disciplining him and what we want for him. Maybe this could work for you (not even sure it's going to work for us!). I do see a frustration in my son when we fight, and I agree it's probably the source of his own violence.

You didn't mention how he is doing academically in school. He may be acting out because he can't read. He may have gotten by until the 3rd grade and now things are a lot harder and the only way that he doesn't want people to find that he can't read like his classmates is to act out. It sounds like things started in a downward spiral at the beginning of 3rd grade. This may be something to check out. I may be total wrong here but one never knows unless one asks. The odd years in school are often more difficult for children.

Don't give up and hang in there. Something is going on with your son and you are his best advocate.

Meds may not be the solution here or they may be.

Also, have you asked your son what he is experiencing or why he may be acting out in school? He is old enough to express his thoughts.

The main thing is to let him know that even though he is having a difficult time that you are proud of him and you will be there for him as you work through this.

Good luck and stay strong!