8Yro Daughter and Husband Butt Heads a Lot

I have no solutions.. but things are similar at my house.. my kid does something.. sort of bad.. but not really bad.. my husband makes a giant big old thing out of it.. .. so then the kid is screaming and it is a big old scene..

Think about it as if she was an adult.. if she wanted to get her water from the bathroom .. even it was the upstairs bathroom and she had to go all the way upstairs.. who cares... it might be quirky.. but it is not a big deal. kids do quirky things.. so do adults.. .. I would absolutely not fight over this issue.. it really doesn't matter.

maybe love and logic parenting classes...

I would just tell them both to listen to themselves and demand that they drop the subject. It really makes no difference which faucet she gets water from, or if she has any idea what salmon tastes like. For whatever reason, she doesn't like the taste of the water from the kitchen faucet, so why insist that she drink from that faucet?

My daughter and her former stepdad had arguments like this. He was a control freak and beleived that he was always right, even if he was shown evidence that he wasn't or if there was no "right" or "wrong" answer.

Once when my daguther was nine, she had just read a book that was a different version of the Arthurian legend and in this version, Guinivere and Lancelot decided that their mutual love for Arthur was more important than their desire for each other and didn't have an affair. She was telling him about it, and he interrupted her to say, "But they DID have an affair," and an argument ensued, to the point of raised voices. I finally yelled over both of them, "Do you realize how stupid an argument this is? The two of you are SCREAMING at each other over what "really" happened to three people who NEVER ACTUALLY EXISTED!"

I have a son that is on the spectrum of Autism and has many of the same habits as your daughter. It took my husband a long time to understand that he not something to fix. Men, in their DNA, are fixers. If they are unable to do so, it's agitating. I jokingly tell my husband, see how you feel? Now magnify that and that is what our son is feeling. We have also done therapy with and without our son. It's nice to have someone outside the house be the "bad guy" or voice of reason. If you always have to do that he may think you aren't on his side and without a strong parental front for you and your kids, it can cause many problems. I speak from experience. Just see if he'd be willing to go to family therapy, just the two of you at first, so you two can unite and be on the same parenting page. In turn it will reflect in your daughters behavior.

Good luck, I hope this helps. I know having a challenging child can be hard and beyond stressful, so don't forget some you time as well :)

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I have a son that is on the spectrum of Autism and has many of the same habits as your daughter. It took my husband a long time to understand that he not something to fix. Men, in their DNA, are fixers. If they are unable to do so, it's agitating. I jokingly tell my husband, see how you feel? Now magnify that and that is what our son is feeling. We have also done therapy with and without our son. It's nice to have someone outside the house be the "bad guy" or voice of reason. If you always have to do that he may think you aren't on his side and without a strong parental front for you and your kids, it can cause many problems. I speak from experience. Just see if he'd be willing to go to family therapy, just the two of you at first, so you two can unite and be on the same parenting page. In turn it will reflect in your daughters behavior.

Good luck, I hope this helps. I know having a challenging child can be hard and beyond stressful, so don't forget some you time as well :)

just a thought - is there a filter on your kitchen tap? or has any of the plumbing in the kitchen and/or the bathroom been replaced?

I agree with the post suggestiing you get your daughter evaluated to see if she has any sensory issues.

But a bigger issue is the bigger person: Your husband. You are very perceptive to realize that how his dad treated him is how he's treating his daughter now. But I would bet that your husband doesn't see it; would he see if it you pointed it out kindly, or would he just get defensive and say "I'm not my dad, I don't do what you say I'm doing, or if I do, it's no big deal," and so on?

He learned a certaiin way of interacting with others and thinks that is normal. Whether he can hear that from you, and whether he can then alter the way he deals with your girl (namely, pickiing real battles and not fighting petty little ones in order to be right), only you know for sure.

If he is not going to listen to you and have an open mind (and take seriously the fact that you understand your daughter better than he does), then would he be willing to go to family counseling with you? Is the carping back and forth between them enough that you feel he and you (yep, both of you) need to see a third party who might get him to see what you can't? I could not stand the kind of parent-child interaction you describe and would be pushiing for counseling, with the assurance that it doesn't go on forever and the promise that it could help him work with his child better as she is, rather than needing to be the one who is "right" when they interact. That's what he's doiing now -- asserting that he is the Dad, he is the one who gets the last word, and he is the one who cannot let petty things drop.

Just something to consider: These are important years for your daughter. She's getting old enough to start realizing that she's a separate and independent person from mom and dad. How you both interact with her now and in the years before she's a teenager (coming up very fast) are goiing to determine how she feels about her parents -- can she trust you; do you like her as she is; do you let things go or do you dig in and fight her to be right (which teaches her to do the same thing)? She's learning lessons as your husband does this, and they can be the wrong ones. She will see it as normal to interact with people by nagging and fightiing things out. I have seen it with a kid I know well, and she, now 13, is a person who has to be right all the time -- I think it's at least partly because all her interactions with her dad are like that all the time, and it has made her very unpleasant to be around.

By the way, it's pretty telliing that your husband complains that "she always gets what she wants." I'd sit down and think hard about whether that's true at least some of the time and if there is something valid in that statement. If you truly think there isn't, then consider whether he might be a bit jealous of the way you and your parents "get" her -- because he does not get her.

Your husband has to see there is a problem. Perhaps recording it when he gets on something like this so he can see and hear what he's doing.

You may want to have your daughter evaluated for sensory processing issues, because a sensitivity to seams, to taste, etc., may be nothing, but she may have an actual issue - and if he's getting on her case for something she actually can't control, that has to stop. You can request an evaluation from the school, I believe.

Hubby needs to grow up and stop arguing with an 8 year old. If he doesn't, he's acting like a baby. I don't know if you can teach him empathy, but if he doesn't like how his dad treated him and his siblings, then you may need to make him aware that he's doing it to his own kids. He may not realize it, and may be unhappy to learn that he's doing it to.

Now, just because YOU and HE can't taste a difference, doesn't mean that SHE can't. There may be different metal in the pipes. Children's taste buds ARE more sensitive than an adults. And if she has sensory issues, her taste buds may be even MORE sensitive than normal.

It might really taste "fishy" to her. I have a sensitive child as well, and he can detect stuff that you wouldn't believe...smells, sights, tastes...just the thought of some gross things can leave him gagging.

Greenspan wrote a great book with a chapter on sensitive children and that parenting them is very hard as one parent tends to be the soft one and one parent the hard one...then the parents fight over which way is right.

Wow! Sounds like your husband hasn't yet learned how to pick his battles. Why does he think it's important to convince his daughter that she hasn't tasted salmon? What is the issue? I venture to guess it's not salmon or what she's saying. I suggest he has a need to be in control and maybe can't tolerate anyone disagreeing with him. Or perhaps it's a form of needing to follow the rules, which your daughter also feels. That is a part of feeling in control. The rules say we don't lie, we don't make stuff up, we are to be 100% accurate, etc. And we must teach our children these things.

My daughter has gotten upset with her daughter lying from the time she was in preschool. The issue of telling the truth got lost in the emotional exchange that happened every time her daughter said anything that wasn't true, even when it was just fantasy at work. I suggest it might help your husband if he knew that his emotional insistence that your daughter be concretely truthful will only make it harder for her to be honest.

I suggest that she isn't lying. In her mind the water tastes like salmon. It doesn't matter if she's tasted salmon. Maybe she's smelled it. Taste and smell are closely related. Maybe someone talked about salmon and now she relates that conversation with the kitchen water. It really is no big deal. Why does your husband think it's worth fighting over?

In the scheme of life what difference does it make if she thinks the water in the kitchen tastes like salmon? He caused her to perhaps lie in his mind by insisting she hadn't tasted salmon. If he'd just let that go none of this would've happened. Can he see that? He set her up.

Is he a black and white thinker. Many people do not see the nuances in situations. Something either is or is not in their mind. Sounds like both of them were thinking that way. At 8, this is usual. An adult usually has come to realize that life is much more gray than black or white. Perhaps your husband hasn't realized that, yet.

And, how can he be 100% sure she's never tasted salmon? Is he with her 24/7? She's 8. Has she never been away from him? Can he be 100% sure she's not had salmon at Grandpa's, perhaps from a neighbor or friend?

Which leads me to one of my favorite sayings that helps me pick my battles. Would he rather be right or happy? Can he think about that and perhaps see that fighting over the taste of water and salmon just doesn't give him the happiness that he would like to have.

How does he feel about these bouts with his daughter? Would he like to get along better with her?

Is he confident that he's a good Dad or are these arguments a way for him to feel more confident? I suggest that when we know we're doing a good job we have less need to always be right.

There are usually beliefs unknown to us that cause us to react irrationally. I suggest that this is happening for your husband. I would urge him to find a different way of thinking about situations. Counseling helped me to find the gray in life.

I also agree that he's parenting in a similar way to his father. Is he willing to consider that possibility? Did he like the way his father was? If not, perhaps he would consider trying a different way. Perhaps a parenting class would help.

I've discovered over the years that the way I think influences the way I act and talk. I worked hard for many years to get rid of the words should and must. For him, what are those connected to? "She should always tell the truth. She shouldn't have any ideas that can't be proven." i.e. the fantasy that kitchen water tastes like salmon. Perhaps having a quiet conversation during calm times might help him understand.

BTW I lived in an apartment and could not stand the taste of the bathroom water. It didn't bother anyone else. There was no logical explanation for my distaste. The solution. I didn't drink out of the bathroom sink. Easy! No need to understand anything. Just do what works. Perhaps your husband could understand that concept. For him, yes, it makes no sense and it's OK if his daughter thinks differently.

I just noticed the comment, "she always gets what she wants." This tells me that it's quite possible that he's jealous of her. Otherwise why would it matter if she gets what she wants? Both of them can get what they want. It's not a competition.

I suggest that there are several things going on beneath the surface for your husband. I don't know of any way that you can change his reaction until he's able to recognize and accept how he feels. Once he does that he will be able to change what he says and does.

I call this jumping down her throat. Nothing like being nagged for every little comment. I feel bad for your daughter. Tell him to stop and leave her to be a 8 years old. Do even know how much this must suck for her, almost like being picked apart for everything she does.

I would just have to have a talk with him and explain that he cannot just nag at everything. She has thoughts and opinions that do not need to be corrected at every turn. He may have grown up this way but how much fun was it for him. Maybe you can remind him.

If he were my husband and he did not stop this, I might have to turn the tables and jump down his throat with everything he says just to remind him how much fun it is for your daughter.

Something I have come across, both in my own home and in talking with friends, is that sometimes the very behavior you see in the kid is what comes down from the parent they argue with most. So for DH, he can be quite pig headed. Guess who he butts heads with a lot? His pig-headed daughters. Friend's son often gets into it with his dad - because they both need to be right. So what I would do is talk to your DH in a calm moment and ask him, "What is your goal in raising DD? Your long view? And how do you want to get there? Do you think that there are things you can do that can help both of you get past the petty annoyances and see the big picture?" I would also encourage him to find something positive to do with each child. My DD loves to garden and the garden is "hers and Daddy's". It's a special thing for just the two of them and she loves to watch her garden grow. It's also something they rarely disagree about, which offsets the arguments. It's sort of a safe space for their relationship.

When my SD was 8 or so, she couldn't grasp math the way DH does. She needed a different POV. I "got it" so what happened was that I told DH I wanted to try do to the math with SD because she seemed more receptive. To this day, there are times when I take DH aside and ask him to let me try instead because I seem to understand her better and know when to back off while he bulldogs the issue.

So with your DH, why does it matter? If she doesn't like the water, then she doesn't like the water. She found a workable solution. Whether or not she tasted fish personally is not really the point or something to argue over. I'd be more annoyed if she didn't brush her teeth at all and I got a big dental bill. I don't think it's worth fighting about. I really don't. I'd shrug off that she thinks she knows what salmon is like. That they taste the same to you is kind of moot. My DH insists he can't hear the toilet hissing in our bathroom. I absolutely can. So I jiggle it and all is well. Sometimes we just have different sensitivities, and if she's a sensitive person, that may apply to all senses, including taste.

My sks are adults now and there are much bigger hills to die on that this. Save the angst for those.

ETA: The comment about "she gets what she wants" is kind of telling. So is this about THIS incident or that he overall feels that she isn't properly disciplined and how do you and he differ on parenting? Has he read that book with you? Is he jealous of DD in some way?

I do not have time t read other post, so not sure if this has already been said.

My husband at one point had to be reminded, "our daughter should not be treated like a sister, but like a beloved daughter that looks up to him for support and understanding". Teasing a bit is fine, but he needs learn to read her "intention" and take her words seriously but also age appropriate..

~~~Many men do not do well with subtle, they do black and white, you need enlighten him to this~~

Trying to win every conversation is not how we treat our children..

He needs to learn that the vocabulary and reasoning of any 8 year old is not going to be adult.

She said "Salmon", you and I know she meant "fishy".. she just inserted a type of fish.. "Salmon"..It would have been an interesting conversation.. "Wow, tell me how you know about Salmon?" Meaning, how did you learn about Salmon, since I am not aware of you ever having any? Surely he read through what she said and he was just being a toot for some reason.

Also some men are funny about something being pointed out that is wrong about their cars and homes.. They take it personally..

Being reminded that maybe the water from that faucet, may have made him defensive about how he has not taken care of this problem.. Or even worse, she can smell and taste this, but he cannot not.. My husband has a terrible sense of smell, he was in a chemical accident and lost lot of his sense of smell. We always have to convince him there is an odor..

Children have excellent senses. Taste, smell and textures are already advanced.. so to have an extra sensitivity.. your daughter can really be repulsed by her senses. But again.. he should already understand this, but again.. men do not understand subtle unless a Doctor or professional can "Prove it" to him..

Denial is a waste of time..

Just try to guide him with "insight".. Let him know he is always going to be one of the most important people in her life Acting interested instead of testing and competing, is the best way to parent. and he needs to be approachable and accepting of who she is.

I am sending you strength.

Not worth it.

Hubby needs to grow up. If he's this set on fighting with her over which faucet she uses, the tween and teen years are going to be a nightmare for everyone in the house! Suggest to hubby that his energy could be better utilized doing something productive.