9-Year Old Accident at School

I am in agreement with those who said you did not overreact. If someone did that to my kid, there would be hell to pay. Sorry, but that's unacceptable. There was a 2nd grade teacher at my kids school that did it. No one would complain, so this class had accidents all the time. Sick.

I hope the teacher learned from this and doesn't let it happen again to any kid.

Not over reacting at all. The teacher knows she was wrong. Hopefully this is a wake-up call for her.

Yes, in this case I think the teacher learned her lesson. I don't think this will happen again. She will remember this accident for many years to come too. There isn't anything to be gained by this. If you are truly upset and think this teacher did this with forethought and will do it again then address it.

well, it sucks that this happened. i'd be pissed too.
the teacher made a mistake. but i'm betting she never makes that mistake again. it was a simple error in judgment.
can you find it in you to punch a pillow, have a quiet tight-lipped conversation with her and let it pass?
when you read about the stuff teachers have to endure these days- in a recent question a regular actually bragged about getting up and yelling in one's face- and consider the steep decline in good teachers both entering and staying with the system, it's time for all parents to look beyond advocating for one's child and taking in the bigger picture.
of course our kids need us to advocate for them, and some teachers are heinous and need to be fired. this one screwed up big time.
but she clearly feels awful about it. maybe you could accept the apology she tried to offer you, and let your son witness a great example of how not to escalate everything into a battle, and how to accept a sincere apology gracefully.
khairete
S.

I think you jumped overboard by going to the principal over this.

You should have simply communicated privately with the teacher.

If you made an error in judgment ( as everyone does from time to time) would you be ok with someone running over your head to your boss?

If I were you, I'd either lay really low while (no complaining) or I'd be in there helping that teacher by volunteering in her class. People who jump over the heads so quickly will soon be "known" among the staff.

I've been in the classroom 15 years. We have set schedules where children are given ample opportunities to go to the restroom. This is a process of the children learning the routine.

Of course, there will be times for a child to be excused to go to the restroom.

9 times out of 10 when 1 goes to the restroom you have others who have the "need" as well therefore it disrupts teaching time.

Over time, it's early in the year yet, the teacher will figure out who really needs to go and who wants a break to go play in the bathroom.

I'm sorry it happened to your son, urge him to take advantage to go when the teacher has break times even if he doesn't think he has to.

The teacher did nothing wrong. One thing they should learn by now is to use the restroom during the times they are offered - when the class is using the restroom, before or after lunch or at times the teacher says it's ok. He should have asked the teacher before it became an emergency.

He's fine. A little embarrassment isn't going to hurt him. If anything, he will remember to think ahead and not let it become an emergency.

My kids sometimes forget their lunch or forget their jacket. I want to rescue them and bring it to the school (and I have done that), but I know that they need to learn. If I keep rescuing them, they will never learn because Mom will always be there to save them. I have a 4th grader now, and I have decided that I will no longer be rescuing him. Tough love, baby!

ETA - I guess I'm in the minority, but I think the teacher did the right thing and this is not something you complain about much less go to the principal. A 9 year old should know better.

I actually think it is reasonable for a teacher to think a nine year old would not wait to ask until he was about to pee his pants. Sure she felt bad, anyone would feel bad for him. Still you want to be so mad at this teacher you are ignoring his part in the dance. What if he is out on the playground and exercises the same judgement and can't even make it into the school before he pees? Who are you going to blame then?

For his own sake please tell him to not wait so long to ask.

If the teacher was definitely wrong as you say, so was your son. He's in 4th grade, not K or 1st. I understand you being dismayed but your tone seems to still place all the blame on the teacher. I've been in classrooms and kids wanting to use the bathroom randomly is very disruptive. There are reasons for the rules and your son is old enough to understand and plan some. He is still a child but going to the principal right away seems over the top. I guess you've never made an error and some would argue this was partly your son's error too. Usually you don't go from not needing to pee to peeing in your pants in a really short amount of time. So the teacher not realizing he had to go for so long and he waited till the last possible minute to ask should be somewhat understandable.

ETA: people should read Nervy Girl's addition. It makes me sad people are so ready to be outraged at teachers and/or police. It seems like some people are just looking for an opportunity to criticize. These people go into professions that aren't the highest paid yet some seem to expect perfect behavior. Of course there are bad apples but they are the minority. None of us are perfect at our jobs whether they be professional or being a mother. Can't we cut others a little slack?

Teachers make mistakes. Give her a break. She apologized.

I think you are super overreacting by contacting the principal. After it happened, the teacher handled it totally appropriately and clearly felt bad about it. When she obviously felt bad, why would you go to the principal? It honestly makes you look difficult and if you have a real issue in the future, it would be harder to be taken seriously by school administration. That's just my take on it anyway.
As a parent, it's better to help your child accept their responsibility in the situation. Your job is to raise your child to be responsible, not try to get someone who spends they're days and evenings working hard to educate your kid in trouble.
How long he was made to wait? If it was just a few minutes, then I don't think this was in any way the teachers fault. If it was a significant amount of time, i.e. 30 minutes, then that's a little excessive.

Yes, you are. Step back and appreciate that the teacher learned something important about your child. Appreciate the fact that she has a lot of kids in her class and probably a lot of them who ask to go to the bathroom at the drop of a hat. Show some grace here at the beginning of the school year so that she will have some respect for you.

I am a substitute teacher and I can tell you flat out that kids size a teacher up by seeing how much they can get away with and teachers know this. Your son wasn't doing that, but she didn't know. You say he had to have been in pain to have had an accident, but how would she have known that?

The teacher apologized to you. What else did you want? She knows now that when he says he has to go, he has to go, and she will tell him yes from now on. HE is being nice about it. Why aren't YOU?

I am 100% in agreement with Jennifer ☯ and TF Plano/Allen. You're making a big deal over something that is quite common, and your son seems more calm about it than you, despite him being the one that went through this. Learn from him! I went through this myself, as a 2nd grader. I attended a Catholic all-girls school in another country. We were responsible for going to the bathroom during lunch time/recess. I didn't do so. In the middle of a lecture, I felt the sudden urge to pee. I was a straight-A student, teacher's pet, so it had nothing to do with constant bathroom breaks or classroom disruptions, I just had a lot to drink and didn't empty my bladder when I should have. I raised my hand to go to the bathroom, and my request was denied. Of course, you cannot hold in pee for over an hour when you're already crossing your legs to prevent it from coming out. I ended up peeing all over myself in the middle of the lecture, in front of the classroom. I was mortified as pee spilled all over the chair and made a puddle on the floor. There was a LOT of pee, maybe the equivalent of 2-3 cups full. Okay, maybe it wasn't that much, but I could hear it splash as it dripped down to the floor and saw a pretty large puddle under me. To a kid, it can seem like the equivalent of a flower pot full of water dumped upside down.

I apologized to the teacher because she was going to have to clean it up, but I said I had no choice and she understood, but obviously, was not happy about it. My parents picked me up from school, I went home and showered, and returned to school the next day. Yes, it was somewhat embarrassing but the next day, no one ever mentioned it again. I moved on from it as well. My parents scolded me for not using the bathroom when I was supposed to. I thought they would side with me, but they didn't. I finally realized that yes, it was my fault. A somewhat embarrassing and hard lesson for me perhaps, but I learned to never do that again and empty whatever little bit of liquid I thought I had in my bladder. Kids have no concept of time, they do not realize what it means to sit for 2 hours with a full bladder because they do not know that 2 hours takes an eternity. To them, 2 hours can mean 15 minutes.

I do think that emailing the principal was unnecessary. It was an accident, the teacher apologized, and your child had 50% of the blame for not going when he was supposed to go. If the teacher continued ignoring his requests to use the bathroom (assuming he doesn't make it a habit either, because some kids do this to avoid taking tests, being called on, or to meet up with a buddy and chat), or if you mentioned he has a smaller bladder or other medical issues, then in that case I would reach out to the principal, because he has a legitimate need that is being ignored even when the teacher is fully aware of it. Otherwise, I would let it go and hope your son learned his lesson to use the restroom at the appropriate time -- like I did. Trust me, it is not going to psychologically scar him or make him into a future truant, outcast, or psychopath. He probably won't give this another thought, and I would be willing to bet he is not the first or last kid in his class to have had a bathroom accident. Even adults have accidents when they sneeze or laugh with a full bladder. Some women have walked around with blood stains from their period on their clothes, and they survived too.

ETA: This isn't going to be kind, but it's honest, and I hope some of you heed what I'm saying--

It's stuff like this that made me decide to stop teaching preschool. I was very good at what I did. But when parents are FURIOUS at the teacher for having *reasonable expectations* of children and then make a big stink over something their kid could just take away as a lesson.... ? I don't want to be part of the world where I have to pander and cater to such damn nonsense. (Just to interject, in case someone thinks I didn't let preschoolers go potty when they wanted... obviously, I did. Because that is *age-appropriate* for 3-5 year olds. Moving on...)

I'd get parents who were upset over the smallest things. Parents who ignored our preschool guidelines because they couldn't say 'no' to their kids, and then got upset because *I* said no. Or relied on me to be the one to say 'no' because they had to be the 'good guy' or were afraid their kid might get upset. We must be made of sterner stuff than that if we are to survive parenting our children AND teach them an appropriate amount of resilience.

Your child being upset over a mistake they made should not be a showstopper for you. It shouldn't result in your being furious and bugging the principal. I only emailed the principal when there was a serious safety concern. Otherwise, I was willing to work with and trust the teacher. I was willing for my son to be embarrassed, disappointed, etc if he made mistakes, because I knew that if he experienced those feelings, if I didn't come in and make him think he was being 'wronged', then he would LEARN from the experience.

In K and first grade, he didn't like the bathrooms, He didn't like the kids in there and he thought it would be 'embarrassing' to use them. In first grade, he wet his pants and then he discovered wetting himself was much more embarrassing than just using the bathroom. I brought him a change of clothes and then, even though he wanted to go home, I sent him back into the classroom for the last 40 minutes of instruction. "Honey, everyone in there has had an accident. Don't say anything about it and no one will either." Sure enough, I was right.

If you want to keep good teachers, this is how we start. By taking a minute when we are angry and then, when we are in control of ourselves, asking a few questions before jumping to conclusions that they are trying to hurt your kid, are out to get them, or assuming your kid can't handle it. Treat them as you would want to be treated. If you were at work and made a mistake and someone had a misunderstanding about it, would you want them to go off at your supervisor about you OR would you appreciate the thoughtful approach on their part.. "I was unsure what you meant by....could you explain that again, so I'm clear on this?" Taking a moment to think rationally ('of course the teacher doesn't want kids having accidents in class! I wonder if there was a miscommunication between she and my son') goes a long way in making the world a bit of a better place for some teachers... and the principals who get distracted from much weightier tasks than a parent who is mad because their son didn't manage to go when they were meant to.

This sort of parenting is driving us, the ones who would help you by setting good limits, out of the business. And creates children who may not be able to manage life's much larger embarrassments and disappointments because "mommy" isn't handling them very well either.

Original post:

It was unfortunate that this happened, and I'm sure if you are thoughtful in your approach, this likely won't happen again.

It may be that there were other kids asking to use the bathroom. It may be that they only allow the kids to go one at a time. It may be that she was trying to give all of the students information. I'm not making excuses, but it may be that she really didn't know that it was *urgent* urgent and thought that he might have been able to make it until the bell rang.

Or maybe there was chaos in the classroom with a bunch of kids asking to do things and she just said no to everyone. I have seen moments like this. Don't tell me you've never said 'no' to your kids at a moment when the request just didn't 'click' because you had other things on your mind. I know I have, many many times.

Of course, you wanted to be called, but if it were at the end of the day, there may not have been enough time for her to discreetly get to a place to call you. The classroom phone conversations are not private. (I've volunteered in the school and have witnessed this.) Calling you may have resulted in actually drawing the kids' attention to the fact that he'd had an accident. Handling it with discretion in the moment was probably the best she could do.

My guess is that if she 'looked scared and tried to apologize' that she is aware of her mistake. If this were me, this isn't something I would be emailing admin on. It sounds like she's now very aware that she made a mistake and my guess is that it won't happen again. I'd just make a note of it mentally, write it down somewhere if you need to. It's early in the school year and everyone is finding their rhythm. She may end up being a great teacher or may end up having strong rules which are not reasonable for the age group. What I'm not hearing from you is that *she* directly and deliberately humiliated him or let him be humiliated by others. So, that's something to consider. I know you are angry, but my guess is that she wasn't trying to be *mean*. (Those teachers do exist, by the way. But I'm not reading that in your post.)

I feel very bad for your son, but I also feel bad for the teacher. I would not expect a nine year old to wait until it was that urgent to ask to use the restroom. While I don't think a teacher should deny a student the right to use the washroom, I do think it is fair for a teacher to ask students to wait for an appropriate time to leave the room (or better yet, go before class). I would certainly expect my own kids to "hold it" until we finish our task. Sounds like it was an accident on both the part of your son and the teacher, and I am sure they have both learned something from it. The teacher probably feels awful and I don't think there is a reason to be furious with her. Maybe from now on when a student asks to use the washroom she will ask "can it wait?".

I would be really upset about this too. But I'd also have to ask several things:
- is he a kid who often asks to get up to do things (go to the restroom, sharpen his pencil, etc) because he has trouble sitting still?
- did they just have a bathroom break, and he chose not to go?
- what is his teacher's usual policy, and did he follow it?

I'm glad he feels fine. And I'm really glad that none of the other kids noticed. My initial reaction is that the teacher's behavior is inexcusable. I think you should try to calmly meet with her and hear her side of the story, perhaps with the principal present to mediate, in case there is more going on here.

I also think you can talk with your son about what he might do differently in this type of situation - that it's OK to disobey a teacher if health/safety is a real consequence. I support teachers (and coaches, etc), I really do. But to me, as my kid gets older, I also want him to use his judgement, and I want him to know that if he breaks a rule on purpose or disobeys a person in authority with good reason because he really feels that he has to, I'll go to bat for him.

In our school there are suggested times to go to the bathroom and kids aren't always allowed to go right the minute they ask if it's an off time. I think you need to know the circumstances more. A 9 year old should have noticed when it's getting that bad for there to be a little leeway for the teacher. It totally sucks and I'm so glad no other kids noticed but not clear how long she made him wait. 2 min or 30? It does make a difference. I'm sure she feels bad. Take into context too what kind of teacher she generally is. It's not an easy job.

I would be upset too, not furious, but I get it. It's upsetting when something like that happens to your kid.

I don't think the teacher intentionally caused this, so I'd let go of that, but it was a learning experience for your son and her, to take it more seriously when a kid says he has to urgently go. At the start of the school year, maybe she hasn't clued in that he wouldn't just be saying it, or couldn't hold it. I know that for some kids, when they are worried or anxious it makes them need to pee more - happens to one of mine, so if he was already holding it in, being worried she wouldn't let him go - would make it worse. So maybe that's why he had the accident. It happens.

We had a case of our child getting hives at school after coming in contact with something that he reacted to. He was coated in hives and the teacher didn't notice. My son had mentioned it but was embarrassed (didn't know what was happening) - so in that case, I did contact the school. I tend to let them know as a "in future" helpful hint kind of thing rather than accusatory. No one meant any harm. It was just an accident, but something in future for teacher to take more seriously.

E. - did your son have the opportunity to go BEFORE he went to class?? If he did, he should have taken it.

Teachers SHOULD allow kids to go to the rest room as needed. I'd have a talk with the teacher AND principal together so this doesn't happen again to ANY child.

No you are not overreacting. The teacher should have given him permission to go to the restroom.

ETA:

This situation does *not* at all read like this mom was just waiting for an episode so she could be outraged and indignant. She wasn't looking for something to be offended by.

If we are going to ask for forgiveness and grant some grace on the teacher's behalf, this mom deserves some forgiveness, too. I think everyone, in retrospect, realizes this situation could have been handled differently by all involved--- the teacher, the student, and the mom.

This OP explained it pretty clearly. She didn't jump down the teacher's throat; she doesn't appear to be demanding or calling for the teacher's head. She was angry about something that happened to her son and jumped the gun by emailing the principal first, but for heaven's sake, the world is NOT going to end, and this teacher is likely not going to quit teaching because of this one episode of a mom emailing the principal. The principal and teacher both apologized, and the parent received assurances this isn't going to happen again, so it's pretty clear that they recognize that this situation was handled poorly. It's also likely that in the future, this mom will pause when something happens where she feels protective of her son and think before she reacts. The young boy will surely take more responsibility for his bathroom needs and won't wait until it's too late if he can't get the teacher's attention or permission. Everyone learned something.

As for accidents, it is a far, far different thing to have an accident in first grade than in fourth grade. Much different. Good thing for this kid that no one noticed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL:

While teachers have to keep order in the classroom and can't have students coming and going at all times, if a student says it is urgent, teachers should believe it and not prohibit the student from going to the bathroom.

I would likely have talked with the teacher first, before emailing the principal, but in the big scheme of things, what's done is done. At least now, this may be something that the administration will address with all teachers.

It's important to teach kids that if they feel they absolutely CANNOT hold their bowel or bladder, they should go to the bathroom immediately, even if the teacher has told them to wait. At the same time it is crucial that children understand that this exception must never be exploited or overused, that it is for absolute emergencies only.

Ensure that your child is using the scheduled bathroom breaks that the teachers give throughout the day, but make sure he knows that if this type of emergency ever happens again, he is to go to the bathroom immediately.

Glad no one noticed and hope he is feeling better about the whole thing soon.

My guess is that it was due, in part, to this being the beginning of the year. Your son is not yet used to this teacher, the routines, the passing of time. He was probably trying to fit in and be a 'good kid' and then the situation got away from him. But the teacher also hasn't - in my mind - learned to manage this new class as well as she should, including reminders that they need to use the rest room before X or Y activities because she's not dismissing during those.

The teacher obviously didn't recognize the seriousness of the situation beforehand, but certainly did afterwards. She, if she's any good, has no interest in humiliating a student like this - but she's apparently learned a lesson here. There ARE kids with bathroom issues and medical issues, and there are kids who get stomach viruses and don't have time to give a lot of notice before they throw up either! It's also classic that the other kids had no idea what was going on.

In my school, we always kept a change of clothes for kids past the age of 10 (each kid had a shoebox or zipper bag of their own clothes - which we had the parents swap out at the change of seasons), and there was a general collection in the office for extras. It's not just bathroom accidents - there are lunch and art class and playground accidents too.

So you did the right thing by brainstorming other techniques for your child. He needs to learn to advocate for himself.

I think you did the right thing by emailing - I might have emailed the teacher about ways to prevent this, and I would have cc'd the principal. In general, you don't want to go around the teacher at the first go-round if you don't have to.

So, everyone learned something. Not the worst thing in the world. Hang in there.

Your poor son! I would be absoultely livid. I am so glad none of the other kids noticed. You are not over reacting.

My cousin was denied going to the bathroom when she was a kid. She ended up going to the ER because her she was impacted from ignoring the urge to go.

Knowing this, I have told my kids that if it is an emergency, they just get up and go to the bathroom while excusing themselves from the classroom. Having an accident or an impacted bowel is much worse than "getting in trouble" at school.

You're not overreacting. I'm glad you emailed the principal. That teacher clearly needs to improve her "system" for handling this stuff. Please tell your son in the future to just get up and walk out - I doubt the teacher would have physically restrained him. Sometimes asking for forgiveness after the fact is better than asking for permission!

ETA: I'm very surprised by the number of responses defending the teacher. If a teacher has such a weak lesson plan, or such a weak control of the classroom setting, that he/she will be severely thrown off by a student leaving to go to the bathroom...that teacher has much bigger problems than can be addressed in a comment here.

oh this is sad. Does your son ask to get up a lot? Is that why the teacher said no? What was she doing that was so important that he couldn't get up to go?

Our school has the kids go to the bathroom after recess and lunch.

Like you I would be furious. They probably go to the bathroom at a set time but if he had to go she should have let him. I know teachers have to worry about kids playing in the hall and being disruptive but if your son doesn't fall into that category there shouldn't have been a problem. You were right in emailing the principal. I'm sure the teacher feels bad for making a bad judgement call and thankfully the other kids don't know what happened but your son will be embarrassed for a little bit. I hope the teacher apologizes to him if she hasn't already. Good luck to your son.

Poor little guy. I'm guessing he was trying to hold it until school was out and finally realized it was an emergency. So glad the other kids didn't find out! This makes me so sad because your son sounds like mine when he was that age. Good kid, quiet, rule follower,etc. I could see this happening to him. In fact it recently did, but now he is at the age (13) where he was able to tell the teacher it was urgent and she rolled her eyes but let him leave the classroom. I understand that some take advantage of bathroom breaks but also know that nature calls at some inconvenient times and am glad his teacher has learned this.

Teachers are human. You called her boss when it could have just as well been a chat with that teacher.

Updated

Teachers are human. You called her boss when it could have just as well been a chat with that teacher.