9 Year Old Daughter Won't Use the Toilet at School Becoming a Big Problem

Yes it can cause a UTI to hold it like that. Sounds like an anxiety issue. My DD has a social anxiety disorder and it causes problems with toileting at school and in public. You need to ask her straight out if she is using the bathroom at school or not. Then take her to a bathroom in a public place and have her go. Observe how she deals with it. Is it germs, fear of others hearing her go? She can hummm or bam on the wall of the stall so that others cannot hear her if that's the issue.

It could very well be a "shy" bladder. Maybe if she could go to the bathroom when no one else is in there? My friend had this too and finally had to make her mind believe that the work bathroom was like a home bathroom as she struggled to wait all day. Ask her why she won't go at school. Maybe something embarrassing happened there. My 6 yr old can hold it for up to 12 hrs...I don't know how she does it, but nothing bad has come of it.

Is she afraid for some reason? Afraid of germs? Afraid of others who may be lurking in the rest room? Is there any bullying that goes on in the school? Unnecessary permission hoops to jump through? Is she afraid she'll miss something in class? Have any other girls gotten their periods (no, 9 is not too young) and she's afraid of bleeding "down there"???

I'd review general hygiene, talk about good ways to stay clean in the bathroom, make sure she doesn't think you get Disease X from toilet seats, review hand washing, and so on.

Is there something physiological going on? Is she not getting the "full bladder" signal until it's too late, and then she's paralyzed with fear that she will wet her pants? Is there any irritation from a UTI such that it hurts when she pees, so she holds it in until she can't any longer?

You could try putting a pad in her pants for the short run, and try to get to the bottom of it. She needs to learn to go when there's a bathroom available, not only when she's desperate.

Something's going on here and you need to get to the bottom of it. Start with a conversation and then consider the pediatrician and a simple urinalysis. Based on the results of both efforts, you will be able to decide if more needs to be done.

I would take her to a quick private conference with the teacher and let your daughter come up with a private signal.. that lets the teacher know she needs to go.. She could have a shy bladder.. and not want others to know she is going to the bathroom.

But this can lead to health problems.Inform her EVERYONE even the teacher, The Principal.. goes to the bathroom.. Let her understand this.

Otherwise send her with extra panties and pants and let her know if she wets, she is not coming home, but instead will need to change at school.

I suggest that you may be over thinking this. It may just be that she doesn't know to use the toilet as often as she needs to use it. She may have just gotten into a habit of not using it. If she hasn't said anything about not wanting to use the toilet I suggest that you try telling her that she has to pee at least once during school hours. Ask her if that would be possible and if she says yes, then assume she'll do it. If she doesn't then it's time for a more serious talk during which you tell her that she's endangering her health not to mention causing herself embarrassment.

If I'd spent the day with a daughter with this problem, I would've suggested that you both go to the restroom during the time I was out shopping. By doing this you would have a better idea of whether or not she was purposely avoiding using it.

I often forget to use the bathroom, even at my age, when I'm busy doing something like shopping. I'm suggesting that she needs to be trained to go to the bathroom at intervals whether or not she needs to go.

Not the most environmental thing to do but when I was in school some of the girls would turn on the sink faucet while they were peeing so that other girls couldn't hear them pee.

There is a disorder where a person just can't make themselves use any toilet but the ones at home. I remember it being the "alibi" on a crime show...of all the things.

I don't know if this would grow into something like that but it certainly needs to be addressed from the mental point of view. Does she have a bad memory where someone bullied her in the school bathroom, does she feel exposed when going in a public one (sometimes those cracks are a bit wider than they should be), is someone bothering her while she's in the bathroom, is she having pain while urinating, does it burn so she wants to hold it longer until she just can't hold it anymore, there are many things to consider as to what the cause of this could be.

Taking her home for lunch might be an alternative so she can have some time at home to go. Or asking the principle if there is a bathroom that is totally private, like the nurses office, so she can feel safer or more comfortable going...lots to think about and discuss with her.

I have two points, so please bear with me -
1 - I never used the restroom when I was in school and when I was 9 years old I had my first UTI and by the age of 10 I was in stirrups with a 70 year old perverted urologist "stretching my urethra" with what looked like a mini-crowbar and then shooting oil up into my bladder - needless to say I am still damaged from that! This went on for months. That was 30 years ago - and my mom thought she was doing the right thing for me (and I have since found out that the course of action is one that is acceptable, but there are other ways of treating it, especially with a young child) but it was terrible. PLEASE make sure your daughter does not have an infection - it is as simple as peeing in a cup at the pediatrician's office. And if she ends up having urinary/bladder/kidney problems, please take her to a pediatric urologist! I can't tell you how damaging that was for me.

With that said - my second point - I worked in the public school system for 20 years - the restrooms are horrendous! Check with your school - most often there's very little TP, sometimes no soap or paper towels and not the cleanest of places. Plus, there are teachers that punish for taking bathroom breaks - some are very strict (WHICH I AM NOT CONDONING - a teacher should be able to discern if a child is taking advantage or not). My 11 year old daughter doesn't use the restroom at school unless she absolutely has to! She shoots in the minute we get home, as well. She tells me all kinds of horror stories about girls in the bathroom hanging out smoking (she just started middle school). Also, there are times that stalls don't have doors on them, or lack locks. There are so many things that can deter our kids from wanting to use the restroom at school - it is an absolute crime! We went so far as to put in place a PTA committee that manned the restrooms to make sure they were stocked and clean.

Good luck with this and let us know how it turns out... Let me know if you need any more information or you have any questions - I'd be happy to chat with you -

I remember a time when I was in school (I don't remember what grade, sorry... after all, I'm 55!) .... anyway, I didn't want others to hear me pee or poop! (That is such a PRIVATE function when you are young....) So... I would go in and sit until someone was flushing the toilet or running water, then I'd go.

Just trying to let you know that sometimes we girls get strange ideas in our heads..... (and no, I didn't tell anyone... or I have no idea why I felt that way....)

I really think you need to talk to her and see why she doesn't want to use the toilets at school.... let her know that you won't think it is silly, or stupid, or anything......

Good luck!

My DD is 4 and has said, "I don't like strange toilets". So ask your DD more about why she won't use a public bathroom and if something as simple as a pack of seat covers in her pocket would help. In school, I would ask if she could use one toilet, like in the nurse's office, where it might be more private and more familiar. When you are out and about, you might find a department store vs food court bathroom and gently tell her, "Hon, we need to use the restroom." Just today I told DD, "Wouldn't it be worse to wet your pants than go to an unfamiliar restroom?" and she agreed that she'd rather use the restroom.

Hi, there,
So sorry about this. Bathroom issues are so hard, especially with a sensitive nine year old girl. I would talk to her teacher again about this. I would talk to the principal, too. For a nine year old to have an "accident" is very unusual(I teach elementary school and can vouch for this).
What is going on in the bathrooms that she doesn't want to use them? Are kids fooling around and making fun of other kids, or, as someone else wrote, crawling into the stalls? She's obviously afraid to go in a public place. There's no question she'll develop an infection from holding for so long. Along with going to the doctor, the principal need to know that this is an issue. Also, the teacher should not make going to the bathroom, or not, a big deal in her class. I can always tell kids who are taking advantage-even so, the most I ever say is "please wait five minutes" and then I let them go. Hope this all works out for you.

I'm glad I read the answers-- I really agree (again tonight!) with Diane B.-- I was wondering if there was a particular reason your daughter has suddenly decided not to go to the bathroom. You don't mention this being a problem previously and it seems recent, which suggests to me that a good question might be one of those open-ended ones you ask at a neutral time. "What's it like in the school bathrooms these days?" I would really want to cross that off my list.

I say this because I have a five year old son who doesn't want to use the bathroom at school. This is because the kids aren't respectful in the bathroom; they crawl under the stalls and look at each other. This appalls Kiddo; he asks for privacy a lot a home in the bathroom, so I'm not surprised.

If it seems like she's casual and answers your question without getting upset, it may be a sudden preference to use the toilet at home. Some kids do get a shy bladder when out and about. You got a lot of good suggestions about the toilet seat covers and checking in with the teacher regarding how they need to procure the hall pass. If they have to announce to the rest of the class that they have to use the bathroom, it could be embarrassing.

I hope it all works out. Yes, this could do damage to her body, but I think that whatever talks about this that you have with her are very, very low-key. Kids tend to get more upset when we think there's something wrong with them, so keeping the tone light and asking in a "how can I help you? can you think of some things that would help?" would likely be more empowering for her than asking her directly "why?" (Bruno Bettelheim suggests that it's very difficult for young children to get deep and explain their profound "whys" to us; they often don't know exactly themselves. That's why we have to be friendly detectives.) If this continues, do ask for help, because at that point, she will want to stop having accidents and being in so much pain.

When I was in elementary school, one of my classmates had damaged kidneys.
How come?
Well, because, she used to hold her pee for so long and not going to the bathroom when needed. It really did damage to her body.

Just ASK your daughter, why she does not go at school or at any public toilet.

My 6 yo has had a 3 year issue with public toilets, ever since he got tubes put in his ears and heard the toilet really flush for the first time. I had just about got him out of it when those darn automatic flushing toilets caught us one day (I was trying to hold him on the toilet with one hand and cover the sensor with the other and then slipped and it flushed while he was on it). His kindergarten teacher last year was wonderful and used positive reinforcement to get him to use the toilet in the room, she also let him keep the door open. By the end of the year she had him going in the public bathroom. This year, new school, every room has their own bathroom, but they have automatic flushers, so he will not use it unless he is bursting.

I would talk to your daughter's teacher again and ask her to nicely address this with your daughter and come up with a system. The guidance counselor can also help. I was assured by last year's principal that they have several kids with this issue and the counselor has dealt with it on many occasions. The biggest way to help is to find out why she is not going.

When I was in high school I refused to use the bathroom because it was stinky, it took too much time, and there were nasty girls that hung out in there. So there could be several things going on.

I went thru this w/my oldest daughter who is now 14 right up thru middle school. Fortunately she became best friends w/the school nurse who was aware of her GI issues and allowed her to use her bathroom while she was also there for a knee injury during gym class as well.

A lot to times it was the embarassment of using the girls room, I would have a long talk w/her and see if the school nurse would be accomodating, I've gone thru this w/my youngest as well and they are usually pretty good about things. Best of luck to you.

yes it can do damage its hard on your bladder. find out why she isnt using public bathrooms. is she worried about std's on toliets...show her how to hover. is she discusted that people can look through the crack? find out the why so you can give her an option on how to handle the public bathroom.

a family friends girl wont go to the bathroom at school. they are allowed 9 passes for the year and cannot go durring the breaks that are four mins long to get from one end of the school to the other. her physical activites are at the start of school and after school. MANY days she does not go at school. She actually tells me she went at school because I gave her a very hard time about not using the school loo and holding it for so long. Not really a hard time but questioned her alot about why not!? Making sure she wasnt scared of getting in fights in the batroom too! Nope boiled down to there isnt any time. The passes she does not want to waste incase of emergencys or sickness!

First, someone commented it's unusual for a child that age to have an accident. I have to say, it must not be! I recently spoke to a school with 1500 kids ages 4th-6th grade about needs. They requested sweatpants and underwear in larger sizes because they have a need for them when students have accidents for various reasons.

I definately think you need to speak to her doctor to ensure there are no medical issues such as reflux. Then after that work with your daughter about taking potty breaks - whether it's setting a timer for every 2 hours at home or however you determine works for you. I think if you work on consistent times it might help her realize she does need to go - and talk to her about the health issues so she understands its not just personal preferance. I'd also try to find out if there is an issue at school. Ask your daughter and her teacher. Then ask some other mom's....sometimes the school is the last one to know and/or last one to admit when there is a problem.

And, keeping students healthy is a job of the school and teachers too. We send our children there for many hours every day - why do we expect less of school in terms of care of our children than we do for day care? I don't get that. If I trust my child to you for many hours, I trust that you - AS A HUMAN BEING - are caring for their needs during that time. Meaning, yes, teach them, but also be kind to them, monitor that they eat, drink and pee.

Good luck to you and God Bless, I know this is difficult, but you can help your daughter figure this out and get her help if she needs it.

Last year my 9 yr old had kidney issues and the kidney doctor told us that you should not hold pee longer then 2 hours except at night. He said that there are problems that can arise from not peeing often enough, and not just for someone that already has kidney issues.

My daughter had kidney reflux and was like your daughter - could hold it all day no matter what then she burst. Does your daughter get high fevers every month or so? If so you may want to ask them to check for kidney reflux, my daughter never had any other symptoms then those two things.

Anyway, what I started doing before I knew it was kidney related, when she was more like 6 or so, was telling Elise she had to go sit on the potty and count to 30, if nothing came out then fine she could get up, but she had to try. Every time she did pee. I did this before she left the house, and every time I felt like I had to pee if we were out for the day.

After we found out it was her kidneys the doc told her she had to go try every hour. She would tell the teachers she didn't have to go, cause she didn't ever feel that urgency until her kidneys and bladder were both filled up and she had no choice but to get to a potty NOW. So at school the teachers all were told to send her to the bathroom at set times - like the start of specials, mid morning when they changed for math, after lunch, etc. There were some teachers that said, "she said she didn't have to go when I asked her." and I had to tell those teachers that is the problem, she can not let the pee back up or it is a problem and she will NOT feel she has to go, it can not be a choice anymore, it is an order.

SO, what I would do is tell her teachers, specials and any she sees during the day, that she MUST be sent to the bathroom at x, y and z times. Then tell your daughter she has to sit and try each time.

It's obvious that for whatever reason, she does not want to use a public toilet. I think you should do another outing, but this time insist that she use the bathroom. See for yourself why or how strongly she feels about NOT using the bathroom.

It could also be because maybe she already has an infection which may be causing a strong odor to her urine. Check that out as well.

I don't know what you would expect the teacher and/or principal to do. They are there to educate your daughter; not keep tabs on her bathroom trips. About the only thing you can ask of the teacher is that if she sees your daughter fidgeting, perhaps she can whisper in her ear that she should excuse herself and go to the restroom. She can't force your daughter to go; she can only suggest it.

Good luck!

When our daughter was 14 years old she developed Paruresis (or shy bladder syndrom) which is a type of phobia in which the sufferer is unable to urinate in the (real or imaginary) presence of others, such as in a public restroom. Some people have brief, isolated episodes of urinary difficulty in situations where other people are in close proximity.

Paruresis, however, goes beyond simple shyness, embarrassment, fear of exposure, or fear of being judged for not being able to urinate. Other people may find that they are unable to urinate while in moving vehicles, or are fixated on the sounds of their urination in quiet restrooms or residential settings. In severe cases, a person with paruresis can urinate only when alone at home or through the process of catheterization.

Although most sufferers report that they developed the condition in their teenage years, it can strike at any age. Also, because of the differing levels of severity from one person to another, some people's first experience of the problem is when, for the first time, they "lock up" attempting to produce a sample for a drug test. Many women are unaware that they, too, are subject to paruresis; articles about women and urination emphasize other female urinary dysfunctions, such as urinary incontinence or frequent urination.

Some people cope by deliberately holding in their urine, by refraining from drinking liquids, or locating unoccupied or single-occupancy public bathrooms.

Our entire life was scheduled around where there was a private bathroom so this effected us going out to dinner, the movies or taking a vacation. We were working with a therapist for our daughter's OCD and mentioned it to her. She basically had me take her to public restrooms and even if she couldn't urinate, she wanted her to just sit there and get used to the sounds, etc. Loud sounds and people around were her biggest issue. This went on for a few years and slowly got better. When she was enrolling for college she was in a panic about using the restrooms on campus and we were able to work with Disabled Student Services for special accomodations.

It was a very difficult time for our daughter and our family. I used to think, Wow, she's been potty trained since she was 3 years old, what is going on??? She is 95% better, lives at home and is doing well at college. A mother's job is never over. Hang in there, be patient and do the best you can to keep the lines of communication open even though it may be very frustrating.

It can be quite common for people to avoid public bathrooms. In this case, there seems to be a problem though. A couple of things come to mind....problem at school with others in the bathroom? but that wouldn't explain her behavior with you.

My next thought is bladder infection or UTI where she is having trouble going or it hurts to go so she waits until she can't wait anymore. If nothing is wrong except avoiding public bathrooms, she can cause herself to have problems by prolonged "holding it" and moist underwear.

You need to talk to her. Calmly tell her that you have noticed her mad dashes to the bathroom in the afternoons and this weekend, coupled with her not using the bathroom at school and the accident you are concerned. Ask her why and go from there. A trip to the doctor may be in order.