9 Year Old Only Focused on What He Did NOT Receive for Christmas

If my kids were only focused on what they didn't get I would take away what they did get. There were plenty of things that my kids didn't get but they knew before Christmas that they wouldn't get everything they wanted so when the toys weren't there they really weren't disappointed.

I would get a bag without warning and start to put all his presents in it. I would tell him that they are going back. I would tell him Santa heard he was not appreciative of his thoughtful gifts so he will give the to someone who is. See what he does then. After he cries and says NO NO NO>>>>Then tell him in a stern but mom voice THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THE LEGOS or Santa will get them back. Give him a hug and walk away.

Were that my child, I would remove all of the gifts he did recieve from his possession. I get that money is tight and it seems drastic to give them away but if you can do it.

We went through this around that age, so I understand what you're going through. It makes you feel like you failed somewhere to have your child act so selfish.

Thankfully my daughter grew out of it!

I tried a lot of things that were mentioned, we even went through her room and got rid of a lot of toys and donated them. We watched shows about poor kids, studied how some kids live in other countries and it did make her sad about those kids but for her it wasn't "real" enough to change her attitude. We tried taking away her toys and while that shut her up for a little while, she was resentful and it didn't do what we were striving for--which was an attitude change (not merely being quiet about wanting the toy.)

There was one Christmas where she threw a fit ON Christmas that she didn't get an iPod Touch. She had many wonderful toys under the tree, including a brand new American Girl doll but all she focused on was the iPod that Santa did not bring.

I think that children feel the squeeze that adults do when money is tight. I don't know that they understand it, but they feel something in the air. She was the worst that year, and even though I felt like we gave her a very good Christmas, we had been cutting back since I was out of work and my husband's work was slow. They feel the parents' stress and the feeling like they'll "never" have the thing they want.

To be honest, the original method we were trying was to "force" her to be "grateful" for what she had, by either taking away what she had (so that she'd be appreciative?) or showing her that what she had was more than what other kids had. In truth, that just threw her more into despair. She WANTED the toy, and we were making her wrong for wanting it and also telling her she not only couldn't have it but that she didn't "deserve" it.

As adults we want things. And we would not appreciate someone telling us we were wrong for wanting it, or that we could never have it and should be satisfied with what life has given us. In truth, life is about striving for that next thing!

So we changed our tactic to one that helped her make a plan on how she could EARN whatever it was she wanted. Even if it was a lot of money. For the iPod, we sat down and helped her make a plan. She would need to save allowance and do extra work. We mapped it out, even made suggestions for chores. This excited her! She COULD have that thing! But it would take a lot of work. The funny thing is she changed her attitude immediately. And then decided on her OWN that she didn't want the iPod that bad, and maybe if she showed us that she was responsible (and we drew out what she could do to show us that she was responsible) she could get one for her birthday. When her birthday came around, she wanted something entirely different :)

I really felt like you do now, but really, empowering your child to have them strive for what they want in life is a great lesson. Kids do amazing things, so we can never tell them they can't have something (besides it being dangerous or inappropriate of course).

I'm proud to say that my daughter wanted an additional American Girl Doll and she needed $100 and she was able to earn all the money! I even posted a question about it recently and my daughter has been working for 2 days straight to earn the money. Now, she's being paid a bit more than normal by family members so she can earn enough, but the important thing is she made a plan and EARNED it!

Your son can earn $280. He will need to be creative and work hard. It might take a year. But why not sit down and help him with it? At least then you're moving him in the right direction--and teaching him a valuable lifelong lesson!

Good luck!

1. Tell him he can earn the money for the additional set by doing extra chores around the house, asking neighbors if he can pick up dog poo or rake their lawn....

2. Tell him each time he complains, he has to put one of his current toys in a donation box to give to children who didn't get ANY toys for Christmas. Then follow through with it. He will be appreciative of what he has when he sees a reduction of all he has. Every year before Christmas, the kids go and clean out their toy boxes and donate the toys they have outgrown.

When someone in our family gets whiny over something small and selfish, we reply with something like, "At least you don't have flies laying eggs in your eyes and dying of hunger in Africa."

Our boys are 4 and 6, they already know about budgeting, too many toys, donating, cost of toys and what we can afford. It is certainly a process, at 9 years old, he;s old enough to understand this and to certainly not throw tantrums over it. Good luck!

Tell him:
STOP it.
He is 9. Not a baby.
My kids are 5 and 9. They didn't act like that per things they did not get.
I fully explained to them before Christmas that we CANNOT get as much this year because basically, we are on real lean times.
They understood, completely.
Even my 5 year old son.

Take his Legos away. The one's he does have or got for Christmas.
Since he is so unhappy, about what he did not get. Then he must not 'like' or appreciate what he did get... so take it away and/or he can give it away to a LESS fortunate child.

He is 9.
Time to talk to him like a 9 year old. Not a baby.
Talk to him, per his age.
If my 5 year old son can understand things like that, then I am sure your 9 year old son can, too.
My 9 year old daughter, can.

Tell him, CUT the drama.
It will not work.

Don't baby him.
He is 9.
Tell him straight. About life and how he is acting sooooo selfish. Period.
And you will not put up with it.

Here's what I did with my ungrateful boys...

I let them in on the secret that Santa is a myth. I just stopped trying to hide it and waited for them to figure it out on their own. This was the first year without "Santa," and let me tell you, I'm glad. No more unreasonable expectations...and a lot more appreciation from the kids.

Attitudes really changed when they realized that I am the one who works my tail off to earn and save money for the nice things in our home. And not just for Christmas. It's far easier to explain to a child that they cannot get everything they want when they understand how the world works.

Also, this idea of taking back gifts for complaining isn't going to cut it in the long run. It's a good "right now" solution, but it's not a reflection of real life. That's a good temporary solution for a younger child, but for a 9 year old...real thought provoking lessons are needed. I actually pulled out all my bill statements and my checking account statement. Once the boys saw how much I earned, saved, and paid in bills, it was so simple to get them to understand my limitations...and that they should be thankful for the things we have.

And they are.

It's more of needing a reality check. Knowing your christmas is small, it's kinda of shocking behavior. I was very greedy at that age, but I truely didn't understand the value of a dollar. I thought my parents were loaded if everyone else got lots of stuff. 1) he might be feeling overwhelm at the amount he needs to save. 2)ask why he is upset about not getting all he wanted, why he should receive all these legos. 3) he might need to hear money being talked about more..."with our pay check we pay a, b, c, if we bought legos then..." Look at the grocery list together, the cost of cable/internet...things about the family spending, but not to feel overwhelm that 'money is tight or what if we run out' thoughts.

You can do a couple of things.

You can pack up the legos he did receive and put them away til he earns them back with a better attitude.

You can have him do something nice for his brother for whining about the set he did receive as a gift (behavior that can make the giver feel badly).

You can remind him that he received x sets and if he had not he would have to spend more of his money to complete the wish list.

Sometimes you just need to lay out "You are making people feel bad." My sks used to go "ew! yuck!" at dinner and I refused to cook for them.

DH finally said, "Look, we work hard to earn money to buy you food and cook your food. There are kids who look in their pantries and there is literally nothing there to eat, not just not what they want. You can say, "No, thank you" or offer suggestions on how to cook it differently, but when you say yuck, you hurt the cook's feelings and show disrespect. Now you can either stop saying yuck and be grateful for a full plate or you can leave the table."

So I think you can flat-out tell him that you understand he doesn't have all the sets he wanted, but if he doesn't knock it off and appreciate the ones he has, they are going away for a while. That EVERYBODY knows he's upset about Christmas, but it's time to knock it off and stop dragging everyone else down. Wish lists are WISH lists and he knows he can earn money for things he wants to buy later. Drama over. Then I'd put any future crying about it in the category of a 2 yr old tantrum and ignore it.

When SD was about 11 she decided to buy her own gifts with her own money and that seemed to help some of the attitude. Prior to that, she wasn't careful with anything because why? Someone (usually her mom) would replace it. I've never seen so many broken CDs. I think using her OWN money gave her an idea of how hard it can be to buy things for others, so maybe for the next gift-giving occasion, he gets a budget and gets to figure out how to get something his brother or father or you would appreciate with a limited budget.

Take his gift back. If he can't appreciate what he has then reduce it to nothing.

I am eternally thankful that my oldest, six, is a very thankful child. However, we've really gone in depth, Biblically, since she was born...and her father shares "Voice of the Martyrs" with her every month. Check out their website. Maybe teaching your son how truly unfortunate people are around the world and how THOSE people are thankful for the water they drink when it's clean...I think that's partially what has helped.

Yes, my children have a ton of stuff. Too much. It's not because we buy it, either...we're dirt poor...but I do scrimp every year to buy some special things at Christmas that well-meaning grandparents would never think of (this year it was a Safari vest with all the pockets and hooks, etc.)

That's part of it...she knows how poor we are, because we're honest with her. She knows her dad doesn't work because he's disabled. She knows Mommy doesn't work because she's busy taking care of everyone. She knows what little money we have, where it comes from (disability) and how we just can't buy extras very often. She's also seen the other side...her grandparents all have money, she's seen how they live, etc.

Like someone else mentioned, the Bible is key here, honestly. Being active at church and volunteering time are wonderful things (we do them as well) but really reading your Bible together as a family will do so much more for you. I attribute most of my child's good behavior to that...it's not like I think I'm some sort of Super Mom! (In fact, far from it...) but God is good and His Word is to live by.

The key here is you saying above that he is "making me feel like a failure as a mother." Do not buy into his greediness, which is a normal developmental stage in children. Instead, just tell him not to complain and to play with the toys he does have. At some point or other all of us have to deal with the fact that we do not get everything we want. Be casual and calm, but don't act like he "should" get everything. Don't worry, he will get it as he matures.

he's 9 and as a typical 9 year old he is only concerned about himself. he is pretty typical - I think most of us have heard our kids go through this routine at this age. I know how you feel - you jsut want to take everything away when he gets that way.

Tell him once, only once, in a calm way that if he complains again he'll lose the legos that he did get. Then keep your promise. Take it away for a day. When it happens tell explain how half of the children in the world live on less than $3 d day - including food, cothers and some kind of shelter. Explain how hteir whole house is probably the sie of his bedroom. A tiny part will stick - the rest won't and you'll go over this many times. Go to World Vision or some other webiste to show him pictures of the lives of desperatly poor children in other parts of the world.

realize that this will happen again. But in another year or two he'll begin to realize he's got a good life. Just keep explaining - it takes a few hundred times before kids "get it".

I'd warn him if you hear one more complaint, you'll take away one of the lego sets he did receive. If he complains, take it away. And continue to do so until his complaints stop.

Good luck! Your not a failure..this is just your opportunity to teach a lesson.

Added: Love Cheerful M.'s suggestion!!! Going to keep that advice in my head when the time comes. :)

I love Cheerful M's answer! Bravo.

Beyond that, the Buddhist response has helped me, the adult. To desire is to suffer. When I realize I cause my own pain, can I stop it? Showing a child how to earn his own money to obtain a desired object is healthy--and as Cheerful mentioned, when her child got enough money, s/he wanted something else. That exposes the fact that once an item is obtained, another desire pops up. At some point the realization that things are not what is most important should occur if one wants to keep one's sanity.

My child is only five, so I'm not dealing with the "gimme gimme" phase of childhood yet, but we established something this year that I think I will continue in the future years. We had "family gifts." As my hubby and I work opposite schedules, our family time is precious. We attended The Nutcracker and a local museum decked out for Christmas as our "family gift." If we have less money in the future, we'll be keeping the "family gift" and cutting back elsewhere. Foolhardy, perhaps, but that is how I plan to keep the focus where it belongs.

Awesome answer Christy Lee.

Something similar that happened to us.... we too are still recovering from 2 layoffs.

I was in Wal-mart trying to buy winter stuff for my kids - 10 & 5. Boots, snowpants, etc. After that store we were supposed to go to Toys R Us to buy gifts for Toys For Tots. I had told them when we got there that I only had money for the clothes, no toys, don't ask. When we got to Toys R Us, again they were going to make their Christmas lists, but any toys bought were being donated. Don't ask for something you want.

At Walmart they weren't interested in clothes. they wanted toys. So we left the store with nothing. I was mad! How selfish that you can't wait 4 weeks for a toy. What are you going to do when there is snow on the ground? Carry around a Wii game for warmth? As we were leaving we saw a homeless guy with a sign asking for money. What's the sign say Mom?
'Will work for food'. What does that mean? It means he's homeless and wants money so he can eat. Where does he live. Probably at the homeless camp around the corner in the woods. I bet if I take HIM to Walmart and offer to buy him new boots and a coat HE wouldn't complain, and how much did we spend today on food and snacks and such? $30-40? Do you know that that would probably feed him for 3 days?

My kids started crying in the back seat. I kept driving. They then asked for a drink. After I stopped and was getting ready to leave, my oldest apologized. Said that they would like to go to TRU to get the stuff for the toy drive.

I know several families where the kids only got one gift each. One family didn't exchange gifts. I tell my kids that a Christmas list is a list of wants and wishs. It is NOT an exact list of what will appear under the tree. Its suggestions so that people who want to buy you something will know generally what to look for.

As for your situation, if there are any toys that aren't opened yet, I would send them back to the giver. If it was stuff that I bought, I would take it back and use that money towards something else.

A lesson about graciously receiving gifts is needed here. In my household a complaint right after a time of receiving gifts is met with a simple" I am so sorry your dissatisifed with your gifts please go get one of them" when he returns ask him quietly and calmly to hand you the gift and say" this will remain with me until I inderstand and feel you actually wanted and appreciated this gift and thanked and apologized to everyone you made feel bad that you have not gotten enough from them when they took time and thought and money and got these gifts for you" if a fit is thrown ask for another. To earn further gifts back perhaps working to help serve at a homeless shelter or volunteer at feed me starving children or help at a food pantry. Never raise your voice for this lesson, express sadness or disappointment but never raise your voice as this is a lesson he will truly need to hear. Other end of the spectrum you could go extreme if there is not a lesson learned and pull all but basic needs from his life and see how those without live...a bed a blanket and clothes and food and heat the rest gone. Good luck it is a hard lesson in our entitled world.

I agree with much of what was said below. Tell him you know he is dissappointed because he has made you (and probably your whole family) painfully aware but now he is to stop complaining. Everytime he does complain what he did get is put away for a day and a day will be added everytime it continues to complain. He can feel what he wants but he can't act the way he is acting. This is not only for your sanity but to keep him from making the habit of dwelling on dissappointment.

Then at some point when the whole family is sitting down have each member say what they are thankful for. If he says he has nothing to be thankful for, point out many people in the world don't get food everyday let alone skip a meal. Only have one set of clothing, no shoes, so he should be thankful he has those things if nothing else.

My daughter went through this. I also make sure I say what I'm thankful for or excited about. I also was silly if it had been awhile and she was reverting to complaining. I would say, "Well I want a new car. Do you think I'll get it?" "Are you going to give one to me?" After we laughed I let her know I'm perfectly happy with our car and glad we have it. She jokingly mentioned the "New Car" to me and we laughed!

Since you go to church, are active in the things you listed, and have a desire to teach your son to be thankful, I would start by teaching him the precepts found in the Bible. Teach him where to find his joy, that all of these earthly things are just vanity and chasing after the sun. Read Ecclesiastes. Read the Proverbs. Spend time every single day reading the Bible with him. You don't have to read for an hour. Just a few verses and talk about it. His focus is all wrong. His focus is on himself. He will never find what he is looking for there. Do you do a family worship time everyday together? If not, why not? Start now. He needs that grounding. It is good that you are out there doing things. You need to be in there (in your home) doing these things, too. Do you have other children? Have him learn to serve his siblings. Not only poor strangers. It is so much harder to serve people in your own home than it is to feel good about serving a stranger. In the home is where we really die to self when we minister to people. We don't get kudos from others. We don't get recognition. But, we get something so much greater. We learn about love. We learn about the type of love Christ has for us. We complain about things when we are not thankful. You need to point this out to him specifically when he complains. If he continues, I would probably take away even what he does have to teach him more thoroughly. I wouldn't throw them away. I would pack them away though. When his attitude truly changes, I would give them back. But, that won't happen in a day, unless he truly repents, and it is obvious. God can do that. I wouldn't tell him, if you repent, you can have these back. Anyone can be a trained monkey. Look for heart changes. It's not too late. You will need to invest some real time into it though. Even better, your husband would be the best person to model this in your home and lead you all in your family worship time. (For our family worship, we read the Bible-usually a chapter, but sometimes less, sing a couple of songs, and pray. Simple. Not too complicated, but so vital in our daily routine.) Blessings. Be thankful that you notice this now, while he is still so young. It is harder to change when they are older and have developed a long pattern of selfishness.

Ditto to the moms who suggested having him earn his gifts.

Ditto to the moms who suggested reminding him that he is 9.

The only thing I might add is giving him the gift of a reality check. Don't just give money, but get dirty. Volunteer as a family at a food shelf or soup kitchen. He'll learn that many many people don't even have clean socks to sleep in. He'll make the connection that many people manage to survive (some of them contentedly) without Legos.

Also, when you pay the household bills, ask HIM to do the math. He'll figure out the difference between income and expenses.

I grew up the grand-daughter of Depression-era grandparents, and frugality was always a part of life...almost to a fault. (Grandpa allotted exactly 4 sheets of TP per bathroom visit.) But I sure understand the allure of Legos! Dang marketers. They really know how to hook the kids. :)

assuming he has heard all the talk about being grateful and how if he's not grateful he will not get presents at all, etc etc. all that mom talk we all go through...then i'd tell him from now on every time he complains/whines about presents i will take one of the ones he got and donate it. and i'd DO IT. i promise that would shut him up. if you'd actually stick to it, that is. of course then you'd have to listen to a temper tantrum about that. and at that point he'd go to his room and not come out until he's done. that is a huge pet peeve of mine. i spend a lot of time, effort, and money to try to give this kid a good christmas - i'll be d***ed if i'm going to put up with that kind of attitude....lol.

PS - the issue is not what he did or didn't get - you didn't need to go through a grocery list of his presents. the issue is that he is ungrateful. which all our kids go through. it's natural. and then they need to be taught better. just like with everything.

His feelings and behavior are normal. Not OK, but normal. For me at that age, it was the big barbie head doll you put make up on. I asked for it for three years in a row and never got it. Pierced ears too. I was so sad and mad not to get these things. I still remember the inner turmoil. But you know what? Thankfully my parents used those instances to teach me what appropriate behavior was and did NOT ALLOW the theatrics! I was allowed to express the frustration ONCE or TWICE. I was allowed to beg a bit for the items. I got one (maybe two) explanations about why I didn't get the items,. Past that, any further whining was firmly disciplined. I may have been mad I didnt' have the things, but I certainly did not get to bum anyone else out about it, and I didn't. You don't always get what you want in life, and you can't be a baby about it. I'm so thankful I was not allowed to live my life as a spoiled brat. My parents did all the charity work and teaching about giving too, I had to save my own money for stuff, etc, and that all mattered "over time", but it's not enough to drive the lesson home quickly and effectively that you do not act like that. Period.

I would give him one very clear warning that if he whines about the legos again, the whole set he received goes to the needy. Be prepared to follow through. Not only that, if you DO take all the legos to the needy and he flips out about it, be prepared to have more discipline on board for having a fit to follow it up. It will be his world crashing down, but he'll look back one day, as a generous unspoiled older teen (if you keep up the consistent good examples mixed with intolerance for wrong behavior), with respect for how you took away his legos for whining for more legos. That's when you WON'T feel like a failure as a parent.

In addition to the warning that he will lose all his legos if he doesn't pipe down, help him come up with a plan to save $280, so he can buy the rest over the next year if he wants.

I haven't read the other responses but here's my personal (and regretful) experience with this.

I was in third grade and really wanted a Color Blaster (this was in the mid-90's). I did not get one. I tried to be happy and thankful, but when my parents asked me what was wrong I ran off crying. I knew that my hurt feelings would make them feel bad, and it did. I got the Color Blaster the next year for Christmas and played with it a handful of times.

Fast forward 15 years, we laugh about it now. But I STILL feel horrible about it.

I don't remember my parents making me feel bad. I do remember my dad sitting me down alone (hard to do when I was one of five kids) and explainnig that my mom did the best she could in getting the gifts and that we don't get everything we ask for. If I wanted it, I needed to save for it or try again at my birthday or next year to request it. He did tell me that crying because I did not get a gift was unacceptable, but it was okay to be upset (you can't tell people how to feel in otherwords.)

Like I said, I still feel REALLY bad for it now and I'm 28.

If any of my 3 kids complained about not getting something, I'd offer to take them and all of their new stuff to the store to trade it in for whatever else they didn't get. I guarantee that would change their minds.