9 Year Old Son Being Rough with Girls

I wish we could have seen the behavior, because it could be anything from aggressive anger to coy teasing – I recall many of the boys in 2nd through 6th grade showing their interest in girls by pushing, poking, pulling, yanking hair, hiding books, and teasing in their coltish, clueless way. And many of the girls took this as a mark of interest from the boys, and giggled about it with girlfriends.

Because you don't say otherwise, I'll assume the girls were actually frightened or hurt, and not just razzing and provoking your son to get a reaction, and that your son is not suffering from A.D.H.D. or other disorder that would give him less-than-normal impulse control.

I would give him a consequence that fits the behavior. I'd have a chat with him about what happened, completely reserving my own judgements for the time so I can find out where he is on this. (Usually people, including kids, are reluctant to express regret if they are shamed or scolded into a corner – they'll just go on excusing their behavior and trying to explain why it's not their fault.) His side of the story could be informative and make a difference in the "sentence."

Which might be, for example, to have him write a note to each of the girls, if he seems sorry that he got too rough. Struggling over notes would be a most corrective and restorative outcome for a nine-year-old, don't you think? It would help to heal any lingering hurt or anger in the little girls and their parents, and be most instructive to your son. You can make a mistake, and make it right, and move forward with life and your friendships.

ADDED: I'm totally in agreement with Victoria, that boys need instruction, early and often, about treating girls gently and respectfully. And I've still found it a useful technique to talk to a kid without judgement when I want to find out what their current thinking is on the issue of the moment. Few kids will be as forthcoming when they are flinching from a lecture or anticipating punishment.

I agree with what Peg had to say. But would like to add, that you should talk to your son about how boys are 'supposed' to treat girls. At our house, my husband has told our son from a VERY early age (he is 3 yrs older than his little sister) that 1) boys don't hit/hurt girls, and 2) (not just a "don't" but a "do") boys should be protectors for girls. i.e, it's not just what you DON'T do, but about what you DO do. He is to look out for his little sister, take up for her if need be, speak up for her if she needs him to, etc. He is NEVER to physically hurt her, always to be aware of keeping her from danger/harm. Girls are often a little more fragile than boys, and generally, we are physically weaker. Something we sometimes don't want to admit. But we tend to be more emotionally strong, I think.

That sounds like a lot of responsibility when I typed it out like that, but really, that is the kind of values that we want both our kids to have. We want our daughter to understand that boys/men should treat women with respect and care for them. I don't want my daughter choosing a husband one day and realizing later that he isn't interested in taking care of her. I happen to think that men and women do have "roles".. not in a strict sense... but women are nurturers, and men are testosterone machines that need to defend something/someone. If a man is going to get "manly" I'd just as soon he did it in my defense/honor or for my benefit, and never AT ME.

If Peg is right about your son trying in his own way to "flirt" with those girls, then he might appreciate an explanation of how they should be treated, rather than floundering around doing the whole "picking on them" thing. Be nice to them and helpful, and guard them from danger or trouble, if he notices it lurking. Even if that simply means helping them with some electronic device that they can't figure out, or teaching them how to win at some sport/game that they are not doing very well at.

But definitely explain that he should never hit/hurt a girl. He's a boy. If he wants to get rough, then he does that with boys. It is socially very different if he accidentally (or on purpose) injures a girl, than if it happens to another boy.

Not that your sons behavior is acceptable in any way but 5 girls one boy? Girls can tease and taunt like no other and pushing a boy to the end of his rope. Definitly he has to be punished as hitting, choking ANYONE is unexceptable. I would also make this speech NOT about how to "treat" girls but how to "treat" everyone. As this behavior shouldn't be accepted no matter what the sex of the other person is. I might sound like a girl hater, but I have been to events with this age group and the girls are hitting, screaming and basically the bully and the boys are running away becasue they know if they retaliate they will be the ones in trouble not the girls. I've caught myself saying to my son, honey be careful she's a girl and not as strong as you and two seconds later this little femme fetal clocks my son(lol).

As a mother of daughters I can attest to the fact that girls are getting meaner, too. Both need instructions on proper behavior. Sometimes the poor guy is merely defending himself!!

Puberty! Raging hormones causing anger.

This is what I would do. The next time he has an opportunity and asks to play with those girls I would say, and mean it, "I'm sorry honey, but the last time you played with the girls you did not control your anger. It is inappropriate to ever hit, push or be rough with a girl. I don't feel like worrying as to whether you will control yourself today, so maybe next time."

He will be mad, and probably try to argue. If you chose to try this, then stick to your guns. Don't argue, just sympathetically look at him and choose a mantra.....like, "maybe another time."

This is typical "Love and Logic"

Watch or read books on Robin Hood, King Arthur, etc. Chivalry. Its moms job to teach it and enforce it. Does he want to be a good guy or a bad guy. Talk about the choice and the consequences. I have four boys and two girls, if you want to e-mail me feel free.