A Family in Need of Some Therapy, I Think

I would give Bridges in Milford a call. They have get services for families under stress and in crisis. Good Luck.

Get help and get it quick. If you feel this bad now if you let it go longer and longer it will only get worse and worse. If no one else will go get some help just for you! I was in a situation last year that was one major problem after another and I thought I was loosing it. I got help and life had improved. I still have days I think about running away (I'm 35yo;))but it is only here and there not all the time like it was. The longer you wait the more chance of perminent emotional damage can be done. A.

Your instinct is correct: therapy would be beneficial. 'Getting away for a while' will not help; you won't even enjoy your R&R because you know you'll be returning to the same unresolved issues. And since some of the issues are issues about how you feel about yourself, you'll never escape them until you face them head on. You may also be experiencing some postpartum depression. There is no doubt you are overwhelmed.

I suggest you start with individual counseling to explore your issues about how you view yourself: until that happens you won't feel any happier nor will you be able to support the rest of the family when they begin trying to tackle their issues (husband, kids). If you don't love yourself, you won't be open to seeing it or accepting it from others, however they may express it (not always verbally).

Do whatever it takes to begin individual therapy right away and later bring your family members into it.

Good luck! You are not alone.

I think you definitely need to talk to someone. It sounds like you've got some heavy issues that need to be addressed. Does your husband think you all need counseling? Would he be willing to try it?

Please don't continue to take your anger out on the children....they are such incredible little human beings. They love us so unconditionally when we don't love ourselves. Give them lots of hugs everyday, maybe that's a start to the healing process.

I wish you lots of luck! If you ever want to talk I'm a very good listening and you can email me directly.

Lynsey

You had said that you don't think your stepdaughter would open up if your family would go to talk to someone. But, I would suggest, for your own piece of mind and to find out how to handle this situation, to talk to a therapist. And definitely not because you are the problem, but sometimes we all need to talk to a person trained in family problems to help us. Someone who is not emotionally attached to our families and can look at things objectively. So even if your husband doesn't want to go, go yourself and talk, cry to a therapist. Trust me, don't be embarassed, they have heard and seen it all. That's their job. I don't know where you work, but sometimes places of employment have programs and it's free. Therapy can be expensive, but many times insurance picks it up. Or a therapist can work with you on payments. You had said that you sometimes take it out on your 4 year old. That's scary. I think for that alone, I would talk with someone. Even if I had to take out a loan, anything. And I would suggest talking to your husband, and find out his feelings. Because you had said you weren't sure how he feels. I have a friend whos daughter is very emotional and my friend never knows what mood she is in. But, my friend found out that her daughter was bi-polar. My niece's son is the same way; bi-polar. Medication can really help. Both of their children are on medication, and it has done a world of good. So, maybe your husband can take his daughter to her doctor, and they can help her. I wish you the best of luck.

12 is a tough age for anyone, so just remember she has alot going on in her head also. take time to let her know when you are proud of her even if it is something as little as helping one of the other children. she has to feel safe and loved but also she wants rules. All kids do better with structure.as far as you take alot of deep breaths and alot of counting and it will get better,pick one day a week or every 2 weeks and do something special just you and her even if it is going to get ice cream ...but remember love, patiences but also rules.good luck

It sounds like you've had several life-changing events happen almost all at once. Yes, please get therapy - family therapy. Not only does it sound like you may have some post-partum depression, but you are suddenly faced with a teen-age daughter also. Teens are not easy under the best of circumstances and you should all get some help. A family counselor can help your family learn to talk to one another in helpful ways as well as help you and your husband communicate with each other better. Family counseling help my family immensely (when my girls were hitting their teens!). Good luck to you! Don't be afraid to ask for help and you'll have your HOME and HEART back before you knowit.

This may help you by making you feel better about yourself. I'm reading a book by Dr. Gary Smalley entitled "Food and Love". He shares how the books we eat affect our emotional and of course physical health. You might start overcoming your problems by helping yourself feel better emotionally. I bought a copy of the book on Amazon for just a few dollars (used).

If you feel better, you may find that you have more patience for that little girl that really needs some women to love her and help her heal from the damage her own mother has done to her.

You do have a lot on your plate for sure. Pray and do your best. Men don't talk a lot but they do have feelings.

Another suggestion don't try to do too much, get your rest and do the best you can.

D.

I'm 60 years old, been married 38 years to the same man and have two grown sons. I worked full time most of my married life and I understand it is not easy. Just work through it, things do get better.

Hi J., I can imagine how you feel and please don't think I'm disregarding your feelings but have you tried putting yourself in your (step) daughter's shoes? It's probably not easy for her either. She did not choose to have the mother or experiences she's had and if she had a choice about her life, would probably opt for love, happiness, security etc like everyone of us! She's still a child really who I imagine has been robbed of much of her childhood.. I wonder if her odd behaviour is an indirect cry for love & acceptance? At least you're an adult, you have options and the advantage of maturity. You can choose to help her, for her own sake. Life doesn't ask us before it throws stuff. Remember it could have been you!! Please reach out to her first before you quit on her, you might be surprised at what comes out of it eventually, but you'll generally need to be patient.I think therapy is a good idea. If nothing works out in the end, you'll probably feel better knowing you gave it your best shot.
All the best! :)

Try and step back from the situation and remember what it was like to be 14 with all those hormones raging through your body. Remember you didn't even know who you were. Now imagine yourself in a new place, with new friends, a new mom, and new brothers. The girl is going through complete chias and doesn't know what to make of it all. Keep in mind that you have to be her friend as well as her mother. What did you like to do most at 14? Did you like learning how to wear make up, having your nails painted? Maybe you could have a girls day with her, and let it be her choice, for the most part, what you do together.

As for the things going on with just you, maybe you are having a bit of depression. Not only did you have a new baby, but you gained a nearly grown daughter very soon after. Your world was completely turned upside down too. If you have time to work out, or even go for a walk alone every now and then try that. Ask your husband to watch the kids once in a while so you can get an extra bit of sleep, and make sure you are getting plenty of water. Don't worry about how your husband feels about you. If he has said that he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you then that's what he means. There doesn't need to be details put out. Men won't do that. He does love you. Take it as he says it. :)

Look in the mirror and love who you are. Once you are happy with yourself you can work out everything else in your life. When all else is straight then you can work on losing the extra weight you want gone. No matter what you think that mirror says, your husband loves you. Now love yourself! :)

it sounds as if your entire family could benefit from some therapy as a group, as well as individuals. your first paragraph is outlining your own thoughts, and i think many of them are either personal, or marriage issues. then your stepdaughter may need counseling for her own upbringing separate from the both of you, but also as a family, you could all go together to learn how to blend. you seem very heartfelt and truthful in your feelings. there is no reason that you should continue to go in this path, the longer these feelings exist, the longer it will take to help them.

it sounds like you do know things you want help with, or in your marriage, and it sounds like you really do think your stepdaughter needs to be with you. dont delay, this is your family and there is no reason to not be enjoying them now. i really hope you find someone to help all of you. good luck

Family therapy can do wonders. Sometimes it just helps sitting down with an unbiased person to talk about feelings. Contact your insurance company about going to a counselor. Best of luck to you and your family.

It sounds as though you are going through a very difficult time. Having a new baby can be stressful enough but added to that a teenage step daughter that now lives with you full time. Having a 15 year old daugher, I know the teenage years are tough. She is in a split family which makes her even that much more emotional. First off, you need to remember that she is a 13 year old that probably feels misplaced (even if you ARE NOT doing anything to make her feel this way). Kids need stability and that poor kid needs to feel part of a family. Spend some time alone with just her. Make her feel that although she isn't biologically yours, that you want her there and will treat her as your own. But also tell her there are rules she needs to follow living there. Have her dad spend time with her too. She needs that as much as she needs a mother. It sounds like her mother is not really in the picture so she needs you to step up for her. It will be difficult and you will feel like giving up sometimes ( I know because my own flesh and blood made me feel this way a year back) but stay strong for her and she WILL come through. You are the adult so you have to take the higher stand here. You have to be the one to step to the plate. There are always ups and downs with a teenager, but remember in her head there is the four of you, and then HER....she wants attention too, so she does what she can to get it....I will promise you this, put the time in with her and you will be rewarded, and you will feel good about yourself....
Please don't give up on her.

Hi J., Sounds like you have a lot going on there and it is overwhelming you. It is not easy to have a 13 year old warm up even if her life was not mixed up. You are in this position for a reason and you can only give her your best with some help. If money is an issue there are free or reasonable places like Catholic charities. I used them when I had problems. I will pray for you. You should try to get your husband involved (the girl is his daughter) You will have to deal with the issues one at a time. Try not to let your step daughter slip through the cracks, she needs some guidance and love. You can't give love if you don't love yourself. Remember God loves you. My best wishes, Grandma Mary

This sounds like a tough situation on many levels. Therapy would be ideal. A psychologist who specializes in children and family could be of value. Challenging times always present us with opportunities to change and grow. Going through the pain brings miracles that one can't see at the moment. It will take work on your part as well as your husband's. Focus on the process and be a team.

Blessings..

First thing that needs to be addressed is your own feelings about yourself. You sound like you may have a bit of depression going on. If I were you I would go and see someone about it. Trust me from experience - if you are feeling good about yourself, your situation gets better and you are better able to handle the bumps. Life is too short not to have fun every day.

I can't say that I "know" what you are going through because my life is very different from yours, but the core of your sentiment sounds so similar to what I have experienced, and I think that in varying degrees it is common in women in the throes of motherhood who may feel singly responsible for balancing their own needs with those of each individual in the family, as well as maintaining the dynamic of the family in general. What helped me, which may help you, is to re-ground yourself first. Go see someone who is trained as a family counselor, but go alone and try to articulate yourself. That person can help you understand your own feelings about yourself and your family dynamic, and help you figure out what to do about it. You will probably walk out of that office feeling validated, energized, and hopeful. You are right to seek help for your family, and if you don't know exactly what the help will look like, then you can find help in finding a direction. I wish you peace in the near future.

Wow Lady....I feel for you.

First off it's how YOU view the situation that needs worked on first. Counseling is a great start..support groups too.

May I suggest getting Joel Osteen's book "Become a Better You." It's been doing wonders for me this past year.

If you need to vent further, feel free to email me. There are days where I get ticked off at a fork being in the wrong side of the sink...it' not the fork that's really bugging me...it's my thoughts about the situations around me.

Nanc

I am no professional but, you know that saying "if Mama isn't happy, nobody is"? I think maybe if you had someone to talk to it would help(friend/therapist). I think you need to take control of your life and decide what you want and make it happen...you can't attach your happiness to anyone else but you, nobody else is responsible for making you happy or unhappy. Let your husband know that actions speak louder than words and you feel unloved(although it's hard to show a grumpy/angry person love and affection...so again work on you and the rest will fall in line). As for your step daughter...every tween/teen is emotional(even the ones who haven't had majors issues to deal with) so you lead the way with a positive attitude and don't fall prey to the "teenage madness"(remember you were a teen once to and these days it's a lot harder)...reclaim your home...have a big purge and garage sale and do something fun with the family with the profits...re affirm your family rules/make a family motto...and remember the best way to get hugs and kisses is to give them, get up from your computer and go kiss and hug each of your family members right now , tell them you love them and then leave the room and continue on with whatever you were doing....good luck, stay positive, you can do this!

J. - I've been there - I've seen myself become someone I didn't like at all and it was really easy to blame all of the circumstances going on in my life; husband didn't help out enough, didn't love me enough, I was overweight, multiple pregnancies, miscarriages, step-son, depression, financial stress; the list is endless and much the same. The bottom line is this: the only thing you can change is you. Before trying to fix everything around you, you need to get some counseling and take a good look at the way you're seeing and treating yourself. And remember, your step-daughter is a product of the decisions your husband, her mother and even you have made. Put the past behind you and move forward with love; first for yourself, then for your husband and finally for your children. It's a long road J. and it isn't easy but start with your own head and heart, and take it step-by-step. The fact that you're asking for help shows that you're capable of making it. Good luck to you.

J.,

You sound like you have a mild case of depression. Take some time out for yourself and learn to do EFT, Emotional Freedome Technique: www.emofree.com. It can help with all these issues. Ideally, it would be nice if you could work with an EFT practitioner but you can do it yourself too. Search the site and also youtube.com for videos about it. I would suggest the girl learn this too.
You are living too much in the past. Life as you knew it before is over so learning to deal with the present is crucial. We all make mistakes and sometimes they affect others. That's life! Nobody is perfect.

I'm not a big fan of therapy since it is mainly talking about problems and the more you focus on problems, the bigger they seem to get. If you do go the therapy route be sure to speak to former clients to make sure the therapist is good.

EFT is much more effective since it deals with the physical and emotional feelings you're dealing with and wipes them out. Please don't skip this or skim over my post. This is serious and won't cost you anything. Once you know the technique you can flip your mood in seconds and you will learn to love yourself again.

I also HIGHLY recommend the book You Can Be Happy No Matter What by Richard Carlson. It will help to change your mindset to become happier. The book is simple to understand and the girl may really appreciate it too. Buy two copies. This has changed numerous lives amongst my circle of friends. The author was a therapist (he passed away) and this makes more sense than any other book about the subject that I've read.

When/if you want to do something about your weight, there's something new on the market that doesn't cost the world, is easy to use and you can also earn some extra money with it. Write me if you like and I can send you some info about it. With a full time job you may not have time for exercise but that can help your mood improve. Take the kids to the park and play...don't sit on the bench!

Hope you will post again with your results. You can change a lot but you need to get happy first!

S. Hoehner
____@____.com
www.sharethecause.com/detoxqueen

HI J.
God bless you. It is a big task to undertake a teenager into your home. Teens are moody,by their nature, girls are emotional, as their hormones rage, and uprooted teens are angry & insecure, as they should be because all these things are happening to them. I suspect she has chosen non of this.
You would open up so you go get the help you need. Check with OB first though and make sure that you are not just dealing with some postpardem depression. (I have seen it, and told my husband to get me help if I was not normal. I don't think he understood, but I made him promise not to wait til I hurt my baby) I had seen depression with a family I baby sat for and was really scared of it. I finally got my husband to agree when I said I love all children and I will naturally love my own more, if it doesn't seem so -- get me help.
You seem overwhelmed with all of this, at best. Really J. most people don't get children as teenagers, they grow into teens slowly. Someday your boys will be teens, you want all people around them to cut slack and enjoy your boys then as well as now right, do the same with your stepdaughter. When my twin girls were 12 I was literally pulling my hair out with one in particular. She has been a difficult teen, but now at 18 she is great, headed to college and will be a wonderful adult. J., your step daughter is not worse than my own daughter. Write me at ____@____.com and we will compare notes.
There are so many ways that I can read your question, I find I want to say all kinds of things. How about I give you a list?!
1. check about depression -- OB/MD --say I think it is depression and I don't want to hurt the boys) --
2. If you can't get in for weeks rather than minutes,try St. John's Wort this minute.
3. go get help--ie the therapy you talked of
4. check with foster care, or adoption agencies they have good info for incorporating teens into the family
5. at all cost don't lash out at her or your boys--it only makes matters worse, and if you don't know you are doing it til after it is over, tell the MD/OB that.
6. tell your husband how overwhelmed you feel, they are sometimes clueless to our emotions, and many times they would help if they understood the extent of the problem.
7. remember it is not about you anymore once kids enter your life, it is about raising them to be the best adults they can possibly be, and when a teen enters you have less time to do it in so make the best of the time you have.
8. Prayer helps too
9. Stress is not something we choose but a reaction from our body chemistry, & you have had enough changes to cause a stress reaction so take vitamins especially vitamin B. Ask MD about that as well.
10. Don't try to make any more changes, you mention your weight, it will come off when things calm down. It should be a non issue right now.
11. Talk to others around you, perhaps your mom, dad, clergy, or grandma

I am very concerned about you. I will be in prayer and please write me and let me/us all know how you are doing. In the meantime I will be praying for your family, I trust that is OK with you.
God bless you with His peace, and your family with His love for one another as you develop this new family unit.
What a blessing to have a teen who can be such a help with the boys!! Maybe she would love to take some of the grown up tasks, & you might be surprised as you let go of the in charge roll and watch her -- she may be an independent one as my daughter is. She took charge of meals at 12 after a stay in the hospital.
God bless
Let us know
K.
SAHM of 4, married 38 years -- boys 32 and 36, twin girls 18. Hey, I just may be old enough to be your mom. We have our first grandbaby due Aug. 1st. We had 7 foster kids too. In fact you could be one of them, she has 2 boys and a sister in limbo who is probably 12, and she may be incorporated into their home. Time will tell.

If you want your home back then you are going to need to start working hard towards that....
Get yourself into therapy and stick with it....it's the best investment you can make right now. You have a great deal of issues to deal with and it's time you got started on it.

I can tell you to stop feeling guilty about past mistakes...that we all have to make decisions and sometimes things just don't go well....that Mistakes are made to learn from...it's how we grow stronger as people....that you have to give yourself permission to stop being hard on yourself..... Learn to like and be good to yourself, go on a diet, etc. etc. etc.....I'm sure you have heard it all before.... but know a THERAPIST can best help you to learn HOW to deal with all your inner issues so that you can bring about making changes that would bring you inner peace and happiness. It's hard work but well worth it.

Your step daughter has her own inner issues....she too needs a good therapist as she has a lot of healing to do. My feeling is she is feeling totally lost....
She needs to feel she is part of your family unit...important, respected and loved not to mention hugs. Besides a good weekly therapist she needs you to spend special time with her. She also needs your husband to do the same besides including her in family stuff.
She needs to learn to express her feelings with words instead of moods....and this will take time. Communicate with her....and listen, really listen to what she tells you. Is she involved in activities that she likes such as at the "Y", dancing school...stuff she might enjoy?

Also, You and your husband need to be supportive of each other and this comes from communication...find time to sit and talk with him. Also find the time to go out with him and have some fun...

I think maybe you need to start with some therapy. Not the whole family. There is a lot of blaming in your post and unhappiness with yourself. I am concerned for this 12 year old and feel strongly that you as the adult need to put aside your personal issues with this child and be the adult/parent for her.

J.,

Your family does need therapy. Your stepdaughter needs if for what her mom has done to her and the transition she is going through now. You need it because you absolutely sound depressed and that needs to be addressed. If not, your son is going to be affected by how you take it out on him.

I hope you go for help soon and if the rest of the family won't go, go without them. Sometimes one person is all it takes to make a difference. You could be that person. :)

Hugs,
L.

Wow, J.- you have your hands full! I've had some really devastating situations in the past, and I found that when I dealt with them the best was when I felt good about myself. If you are uncomfortable with your weight- start focusing on eating healthy and getting some time to yourself to walk, bike, go to the gym-- You need to feel confident and your family needs you to be healthy and have energy. When you've spent time on yourself and you know you are on the way to getting back in shape, you will see the issues more clearly.
There's a wonderful website- sparkpeople.com- that can help you set goals.
Do that first. Then look into some therapy- for you first.
Good luck, J.!

First of all your baby is only 7 months old , you are probably worn out from that alone. It is normal to feel somewhat lost in your own life with an infant . A 12 year old girl is also lost. She is changing and scared and angry and it is normal, although not easy to live with. Most men are not able to talk about their feelings and a 4 year old will run you ragged.You need some rest and some time to yourself. Even if it is only 30 minutes a day to just relax.Put the baby in a stroller and go for a walk. Make it a power walk and you will increase your energy and be on your way to losing weight. The time to yourself will feel great. Next, dont take anything a 12 year old says to heart, its just hormones. Try not to stress about moods. Just say "whatever "to yourself and try and roll with it. Maybe you could interest her in helping with the children every now and then. Make her feel important and helpful, without forcing it on her or making her feel put upon. Just a suggestion, sometimes it helps to make them feel "grown up".Go slowly dont expect too much at first.She has probably walled herself off from everyone. Dont give up, find a moms group or group of friends to vent to now and then. You will get your home back.

Wow J. I don't know how you are holding on! You know I find most folks when seeking advice already know the answer and I see you do.

Your title is right on target. Your family does need professional help. Advice from friends and self-help groups are nice but will not fix the fracture that is running through your marriage and family.

Please see a good family counselor. And even if no one else wants to go make sure you go.
Counseling will give you coping skills, direction, a place to vent and a place to release the pain you are carrying right now.

It is the best advice I can give you. And I am a therapist and a Grammy.

best of luck
J.