A Friend/co-workers Baby Shower This Weekend

Give her a gift card to where ever he is registered and tell her you are sorry there is no reason you have to go just explain that you have other obligations.

A little motherly advice dear. I have 5 children from age 23 - 36 (4 sons 1 daughter)
None are married and none have children. Most all our friends our age AND younger have grandchildren and it makes my husband and I anxious for us to have one! But life is as it is. Our time will come someday. In the meantime I enjoy working, sewing, crafting, cooking, going out with friends, volunteering for Hospice and our church and so on. I let myself enjoy my nieces and nephews totally and even babysit when the opportunity arises. I celebrate our friends when they have new arrivals in their family. We enjoy what we have not what we want. You have a 4 year old and a great husband. Spend all your energy loving and enjoying them and your life will blossom. You are only 24. Plenty of years to have another baby. Don't dwell on what you don't have and don't spoil another person's JOY just because you are pouting. Celebrate with her and others because this is whats important. If it were YOU who were expecting, It would be hurtful and offensive for someone to not attend your celebration because of your very own reasons. A mature attitude is required in our adult lives. You don't know what is in your future but you can celebrate the here and now. It's very healthy.

Understand where you're coming from but this shower is NOT about you. If she is truely your friend, you put aside your desires for a couple of hours and focus on HER. Let's say......you don't ever get pregnant again...long shot, but what if? Will you try and avoid all contact with any pregnant women and/or couples with infants? Sometimes the hardest lessons are the ones that make you stronger. Realize you CAN deal with this IF and only IF you take the focus off yourself.

When my fiance died, it seemed as if EVERYONE around me was getting married......and three of my siblings did the first year within his death. TELL ME ABOUT HARD! I even had to BE in one of the weddings! Some people still tell me they don't know how I did it but I'll tell you right now I'm a much stronger person because of all I dealt with and that was one of the hardest during that whole time!

You CAN do it and will be happy you did if you look down the road, REGARDLESS of what happens to you. Put yourself in her place. How will you feel about yourself 2, 5 10 years from now if you do......if you don't.....no matter what way the tables turn.

The battle is won in the MIND!

A., I'm not trying to hurt your feelings at all, because I DO sympathize with you, but having said that....You are being very selfish.(said in the most loving, gentle way I can) The world does not revolve around us individually. Life goes on around us, no matter what our situation is. Whether it's losing a job, loved one, or whatever else, life goes on. It's not HER fault that you're wanting a baby and at this point, still need to wait for the support of your husband. You can't allow your own issues to flow into the people in your life's lives. You have to accept the fact that now just isn't the right time. When your husband and you are BOTH ready, THEN it will be the right time. Believe me, it's hard enough being a first time mom WITH the support of your husband because it's NOT what you'd been expecting. Most husbands are not very involved with babies at first, it's like they don't know what to even do with them after holding them a minute. So, if he only has a baby to make you happy, well, it would probably be even worse because he wouldn't be in it 100% from the beginning like you. Trust me, you WANT him to WANT a baby. Otherwise, you're going to end up feeling awfully alone with your joy and end up resenting him for it. Having said that, you need to live in the moment and not be so hung up on the fact that your husband is not ready. If YOU were the one that wasn't ready and your husband was pressuring you about it like crazy, how would it feel then? How would it feel if you gave in and let him impregnate you? Those first movements wouldn't be as joyous, the first ultrasound wouldn't be as joyous. There would always be something within you that was a little resentful because you were only doing it for him. Sure you would love the baby just as much, but that initial excitement of finding our you're pregnant wouldn't be what it could be for you. So, give him time so you don't take away that joy he and you could feel TOGETHER. Instead of looking at it as "I want a baby and my husband is keeping me from it" Look at it as "We'll start a family when the time is right for BOTH of us." You and your husband are the center of your family, that center has to be in sync in order to create a strong centered family with children being involved. So, take a deep breath, CHOOSE to not be bitter, and instead CHOOSE to respect your husband's wishes and to wait for him. You aren't the only one here, it takes two parents to make a child, so choose to wait until he's on board. Then, CHOOSE to not let your ego cause jealousy over what you don't have. That's all it is, your ego, not you. Your ego is the part of you that reacts to stimuli. The part of you that recognizes it as being your ego is your true self. The part that chooses to NOT allow your ego to cause ill feelings is the true you.

I don't even have words to describe what your husband did to you. Cruel is almost too kind. I think you should definitely seek some type of marital counseling. He LIED to you for OVER A YEAR! That's not ok. It's just not. I'm so terribly sorry that this has happened to you. I can't imagine the long term emotional damage it must have caused you.

As for the baby shower, I think you should go. It's a fact of life that people are going to get pregnant and have babies. I know it's terribly hard, almost a physical ache, to be around pregnant women and babies right now, but it's necessary. If this woman is your friend, you should go. You don't have to stay for the whole shower. Maybe you could have a set amount of time you are going to stay. You could even tell your co-worker, I'll be there, but I'm only able to stay for an hour.

Please consider seeking some form of counseling. It will help you deal with the depression, if nothing else.

A.-

Please don't take this the wrong way, but snap out of it! Your depression is misplaced! I think the bigger problem is that your husband lied to you all those months and THAT is what is truly the issue at hand. If mine ever did that to me even once, let alone 13 MONTHS, I would be devastated. A marriage w/o trust is not a marriage.

That being said, please understand that I am not trying to belittle your feelings...I know they are very real. I am just asking you to really zero into where the anger and sadness is coming from and apply it to the proper person. Perhaps a long conversation with your hubby will start the healing process for you and perhaps lead to him understanding how betrayed you feel.

Your co-worker is someone that you see regularly, so one more day in support of her and her happiness isn't going to change the fact that she is pregnant and going to have a baby. It is obvious you love children and babies, so why not go to an event that celebrates those things? Not going would be selfish and I think something you may regret later if she is truly a friend.

I would also speak with some sort of counselor or psychiatrist. Many work benefits pay for one at least 20 sessions a year. It would really help you to talk it out, especially if your husband doesn't understand (& based on his actions when you were trying, I'm not sure he would). If this is a scary idea for you, let me put it to you in terms that may help you change your mind: your 4 year old deserves a Mommy that is happy.

I don't know your total situation, so if I am overstepping here, please forgive me; I am just responding to what you typed. Kids are very perceptive (I also have a 4 year old) and they know instantly if something isn't right and react in kind. You need to get yourself happier and clear the air with hubby or things will continue to spiral downward, which isn't healthy for anyone in your home.

I wish you the best of luck in this situation and whatever you decide about Sunday, think about the reasons you aren’t going and see if you can honestly explain them to someone. If you have to lie about not going, then you really should go. Hang in there!

I agree with the others, you should probably go and help her celebrate. As for you, maybe try thinking of all the positives about having only one child, how you are past all the sleepless nights, you can get up and go anytime with virtually no thought or "packing" and all the other stuff. I am not trying to say you are wrong for wanting another or down play it at all I just think if its not in the cards for you right now it might help to think of it that way and if hubby ever changes his mind great. If not maybe it will be a little easier to deal with for you focusing on the good about having only one. And really when you think about it there are just as many good/great things about having one as there are more than one. Good Luck and keep your chin up!

I have been in your co-workers shoes with a friend of mine. I had gotten pregnant and a few weeks later, found out she too was pregnant but she miscarried early on. I gave her space and never spoke of baby things. Once I really started to show, I only talked to her on the phone because I KNEW she didn't want to see me as she would always be thinking that should be what I look like right now. However, I was EXTREMELY hurt that she didn't come to my baby shower. It made me feel like she would've been happier if I had miscarried as well and that my baby would always be something hurtful to her. I really tried to be understanding as I have miscarried in the past but it's really hard when you have someone telling you, 'I just can't stand to look at you.' I KNOW you don't want to go to this and it would be something you'd be dreading but try and put yourself in her shoes and how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Particularly if you are decent friends with this woman. (and it sounds as if it will be a very stressful work environment if you don't go) On the husband issue. I don't know the reasons why he doesn't want another one but my husband didn't either. I explained it to him that if I never have another child, I would ALWAYS be wishing and wanting for one and it could cause some resentment towards him. (I was extremely tactful in talking to him about it as it can cause them to get defensive) I then asked if we got pregnant on accident (and made it clear I wasn't trying to set him up or would purposely get pregnant without his consent... although to be honest, I probably would have) would he always look at that child and wish that we didn't have him or her. He told me obviously that wouldn't be the case. I just tried to explain to him how hard it would be for me to never have that in my life. Try and find out if waiting a little while would make a difference or if he really never wants another child. I don't think most men feel that pull that we do to have a baby. To my husband, one was enough. He had many excuses as to why he wouldn't want another child. We went to counseling, not for any problems that we had but in hopes that it would be easier for him to understand why I wanted another baby and basically why I thought he should let me have my way, as awful as that sounds. I'm almost 40 weeks pregnant and due on Monday. I doubt he'll give in a third time as it was very difficult to get a second but he is now happy to have another child and can't wait. I hope your husband finds it in him to change his mind. And what he has done to you in the past was extremely deceitful and something that in and of itself could lead to some resentment on your part. If that were my husband I would compare it to something he wanted so very badly but never thought we could afford (my husband is a gadget freak) and I told him I'd found a way to get it for him and it was on it's way, only later telling him it was all a lie. Good luck. I really hope things work out in your favor as I know how hard it is to want something so badly with the person your in love with and to have them not want the same.
J.

A., this shower is for your friend. You should put aside any feelings you have because you are punishing her (in essence.) I agree with Deb. Plus you might regret it later. Hope you make this about her and not yourself. B.

Dear A.,
Hi I am also 24 and I have been having fertility issues of my own. I also have a son who is 4! I have read some of the responses. I would just like to give you some advice since I believe we are in similar situations. I can understand how you feel about going to the shower. Even the word "baby" can make you cringe right now. However, if this person is a good friend or has been good to you I think you might consider going. Just try focusing on the pregnancy you have had while you are there. She will appreciate any storys you have about your past labor and delivery. When you see baby clothes just try to remember the son you have wearing them, not the baby you want so badly. I am only saying this because I have a friend who was recently divorced, and a friend who is always the bridesmaid never the bride. I know it was challenging for them but they attended my wedding and were my bridesmaids. It was an honor for them to set aside their personal feelings and be apart of my big day. I know that these moments dont happen often for close friends. So, basically it would be that you are going for her to have a great experience. Who is to say that this could end up being her only child? However, if the 2 of you aren't that close I wouldn't worry about it. It's not worth setting your feelings aside. I would send a gift. Showing your support in that way. BTW It doesnt have to be a baby gift either. If shopping for the gift will upset you. Gift cards for a restaraunt or a message are great ideas! Or, you could go give her this kind of gift and duck out early. Maybe before she opens the gifts. Just say that you have something to so with your son. Because they all have baby's on the brain they will be more understanding.LOL. Just long enough to satisfy her and your co-workers if you are concerned about the way they may treat you later. I mean you do have to work with these people. So, you may not these people knowing your personal business, but don't want to deal with the whispers. I understand that this is a difficult situation. I get so sick of people saying "just focus on what you have" I'm aware of that. Thus, why I want more children. Oh and the "your still young." Who cares. Nobody knows your situation better than yourself. If you feel now is the time then it is! I wish you all the best and I hope you and your husband can resolve your issues. If you need any more advice don't be afraid to e-mail me. Believe it or not I KNOW where you are coming from(2 misscariges in the last year. 3 all together. 1 son who will be 5 in April)

Hi A......I know what you are going through. We tried for almost 3 years to concieve. In that time I could not stand to be around pregnant ladies. I even got upset if I saw a pregnant woman in the grocery store. Then I finally got pregnant and I misscarried. I was devestated. Right after I returned to work my boss hired a pregnant friend of hers. I had just lost my baby and I had to go to work every day and see this woman with a big pregnant belly. It was pure torture. I would go outside on break and cry in the back alley.

During all this I was invited to a few baby showers. I went...the whole time telling myself "this day is about my friend, not about me" then I would go home and cry. Your co-worker just wants to celebrate her baby, and she does not mean to hurt you. But the truth is, unless you have been through this, you have no idea how it feels to want a baby so badly and not have one. They don't know what you are feeling. Yes, it is going to be painful to go, but I think you should. It is not healthy to hide away and shield yourself from all pregnant people. Go and be there for her...then go home and cry if you want.

Not to be rude but shame on your husband. What he did to you is cruel. He should have been honest up front and not let you go on thinking you could get pregnant because you were "trying". He even let you go to a fertility doctor knowing he wasn't finishing all along. I think that might have done some damage to you mentally. I feel so bad for you. You hang in there honey. By the way...I finally did have a beautiful baby girl last year. My life is now complete. I pray you get the baby you want someday so that you can feel complete too. My prayers are with you!

Your husband's dishonesty is the bigger issue at hand. This is something you two need to deal with and possibly even get counseling to see that honesty is a constant in your marriage. As for your co-worker, if she is truly a friend and not just someone you work with, you should attend the shower. We all have to put feelings aside to do the right thing for those that we care about. You are blessed with a son and if you are healthy and have friends, you have those blessings in your life too. I am guessing that your depression may be some displaced anger and bitterness about your husbands deception. Work that out before contemplating bringing another child into the world. Children, by nature, further deplete your resources - emotional, financial, time; make sure your able to take this on as a willing couple. God bless you and your family.

As with all situations in life you can see it as the "glass half empty or half full". Count your blessings. Pray. Having more than one child may not be as great as you think. What if you had another child and he was handicapped? Would you still be happy about it?
It takes two willing parents to raise a child correctly, so I do not suggest "tricking" your husband into it. I have to wonder about your relationship though, if he made you think he was OK with it but really wasn't.
Try to be happy for others fortune. If your friend bought a beautiful new house and you wanted one, but couldn't have one, would you still be happy for her? Would you still want to go see it and admire it?
Just try to change your attitude about it. And nothing is forever in life, you may end up having another baby. If you husband is as willing to please you that he would want you to believe he is trying and go through the fertility testing even if he didn't want another child, then he may change his mind eventually. Keep talking to him.

Go to the shower. Yes, I know it will potentially be tough but it is the right thing to do. I did infertility treatments for 3 years that were full of failure, so I can understand to some extent how you feel. Still, you don't want to burn any bridges and certainly this new life is worth celebrating.

A. - Honesty is always the best policy. Your friends love you and would want to support you, but only if they know what you are going thru. So just tell them the truth, so they can be there for you. And do not feel guilty that you need to take care of yourself a bit here and not be around baby stuff for a while. I hope you and your husband can work thru your differences. Please take the time to talk and really listen to each other about the reasoning for wanting and not wanting another child.

It took me a long time to get pregnant and I really felt the pull of wanting a baby before my first child was born so I can relate to how you are feeling. I would be at the mall and see pregnant women (didn't they seem to be everywhere?)and feel afraid that would never be me. It was upsetting. I know that when you are ready, you are ready and it must be really hard to face the emotional fall-out of your husband's deception on top of that.

I'm sorry for the way this will come out because I don't want to add to your burdens, but your friend's shower isn't about you. As her friend you should be there to support her if at all possible.

Although it might feel like it because you are understandably so focused on the topic (and therefore your eyes would immediately be drawn to all the expectant mothers out there in the world,) other people's pregnancies are not there to hurt you or remind you of your situation.

I think that each of us is an individual with individual bodies, health issues and relationships. Our fertility and the right time for each of us to have children is a personal thing that depends on timing, communication and a certain amount of luck.

There's still tomorrow. People's feelings change, circumstances change. You need to come to an understanding with your husband about when the right time might be and why he couldn't tell you how he felt back in 2007. And while you wait or plan for that time, you have a beautiful child to enjoy.

At the end of the day, it's a three hour party celebrating something wonderful and important that is happening in the life of a friend. The gifts that she receives at her shower were chosen lovingly by friends and family for that particular child. I think you need to ask yourself: Wouldn't your friend be there at your baby shower (or perhaps she was?) to celebrate with you? If not, perhaps you are justified in not attending, but if so, can you really not separate her situation from yours for one afternoon and be happy for her by supporting her with your attendance? If it is so difficult to be around pregnant people that you can't go, perhaps you really are depressed and should talk to your doctor to seek treatment and/or seek counseling so you can work through your feelings.

Having stated all of that, I'm truly sorry that you are going through this and sincerely hope that you have a chance to become a mom all over again soon. Best wishes.

This is really, really hard to go through, and believe me, you are not alone. There are countless women and mommies that have such a strong desire for another baby but their husbands don't want another one. I would say that this baby shower is about being excited for your friend/co-worker. You can still celebrate your friend's arriving baby while going through this. Your friend deserves it even though it may be hard for you. Don't let your desire for another child and your husband's lack thereof cloud your friendships. While rejoicing with your friend, you need to start talking to your husband why he felt it was necessary to lie to you all this time. Maybe there are some more underlying issues on his part? Life is hard and we don't always get what we want. Your son is beautiful and healthy. Count your blessings. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I understand your desiere for another baby. It can be hard. But really, how would you feel if a friend of yours didn't come to celebrate a wonderful time for you because she was more worried about herself? I'm sure it would hurt your feelings. It would hurt mine. Pregnancy is a beautiful time in a woman's life. If you never have another child then you should still count your blessings because you have one! There are many people in this world who never get to experience even one. Besides, it wouldn't be fair to your husband to have another child if he doesn't want one.
Good luck!!

Maybe you should be happy for your friend and attend her shower. The fact is that you CAN have children. You are young and have plenty of time. I would suggest going th your friends shower and then booking some sessions with a marriage counselor or therapist immediately. Why would your husband go through the bother and expense of a fertility specialist while knowing that he isn't "finishing the job". This sounds a little odd to me, don't you truly agree??
Maybe with a little help and communication you and your husband can get to a happy place where more babies are welcome. Until then, don't burden your selfishness on others.

Hey A.,
I would suggest you go to support your friend/co-worker. I understand that you dont want to be around others swooning all over baby stuff. But sometimes it helps us if we support others in the area that we are hurting in. Also, later on down the road, when, (not if) you have your other baby, you will have the support of this friend and other coworkers. Maybe you and your hubby can talk about why he isnt ready for another baby now. There may be reasons that can be worked out with a counselor or pastor or something?

Take Care
Dee

There is no law that requires you to attend the shower. If it makes you uncomfortable then simply send a gift card and your best wishes and do not go.
For anyone to be "angry" with you for your decision is their problem not your problem and simply smile at them and tell them you had family business to handle on Sunday which prevented you from attending. They are not required to have details regarding your personal business. They will either get over it or not and again if they are friends they will accept your non-attendane and continue to be your friend, if not they really aren't true friends anyway.
On another note, you have to accept the fact that other people are lucky enough to have babies right now and the world will continue to go on and you have to start thanking the Creator for the blessings you have, the wonders of the blessings other people are having, and accept and be happy for them instead of feeling sorry for yourself. When it is time you will again be blessed. The harder you try for another child the harder it will be to get pregnant. When you are in the least favorable position to get pregnant you will, it is the way of mother nature. I had three misscarriages before I was able to have my first child. My friends and sister-in-laws were having babies and getting pregnant with no trouble what-so-ever and none of them were having problems. I hosted showers, smiled in public, and went home and cried a lot. Then my tenant moved out and left my apartment a total disaster, my grandmother died, and my husband was told he would be out of a job by the first of the month. Guess what, I got pregnant and carried to term working two jobs, doing most of the remodeling of the apartment, and we paid all of our bills and ate a lot of bread and applesauce (that I put up myself) while my husband found another job.

A., you said that you have a son, I think that you should go to the baby shower and be happy for your co-worker, that she is fortunate enough to have children, there are alot of woman that want just one child, and they can't concieve at all. Be happy for what God gave you and your husband... You were blessed by having a child, be happy for others, God bless you.

A.,

You need to take care of yourself first....if it is going to be hard for you to handle going to the baby shower, then don't go. I know how hard it is when you want to have another baby and being around other mom's who are pregnant or just had another baby.......be kind to yourself.

Give her the baby gift when you see her next time.........

I hope this helps.......

Sue

Sometimes you have to put yourself in the other person's shoes. If you were pregnant, wouldn't you want your friends there and swooning over you?? I think that if your husband doesn't want anymore children and if your desire was to really have another one, then maybe you need to think about fulfilling your own dreams instead of following what he wants to do. You only have one life, so do what makes you happy but you also need to be a friend to others that need you too.

Well-if she really is your friend, she should understand. Although as you know, being pregnant can jack with your emotions. . .so her hormones may be causing her to act differently. If possible, send a gift along or a gift card if purchasing a baby item is too painful for you at this time.
I'll be praying for you

As some of the other posters mentioned, seek some couples counseling (or some personal counseling if he is not willing to go - don't force him because it will not work in the long run). See if your employer has an employee assistance program that will help you out.

I'm assuming this is kind of late, but if you can talk to the mom-to-be and see how she feels about it, explaining that you don't the attention drawn from her happy time to your hard time. If she says she prefers you to stay home, be sure to take her out to lunch or something sometime and take some private time to say "congrats!" - or do it after the baby (it just may be my experience but the attention kind of fades a few days after the hospital stay, and some moms have a hard time adjusting to 9 months of ooooing and awwing and then nothing). And if those other friends/co-workers get upset, just know you're acting in proper etiquette - when it comes to the baby shower, what mom-to-be reasonably wants, she gets, so if she'd rather you stay home and start working things out with yourself or with your husband that's what should happen. However, if she does want you to come, you should attend, but know for yourself when it is time to go.

I browsed through the previous comments here and am shocked that some of the other posters have told you to count your blessings and snap out of it. What your husband did to you is cruel, and you have every right to be in a depressed state because of the dishonesty in your relationship and the fact that you are aching for another child that you may not ever have.

You can support your friend without torturing yourself in the process. Your mental health should be your first priority. If being around pregnant people is putting you into a depression, I would politely decline the invitation and send a gift. Depending on how close this friend is, I might tell her that you are dealing with some personal issues regarding your desire to have another child. You don't need to be specific unless you feel comfortable doing so. Perhaps tell her that your sadness is hard to control and that you didn't feel comfortable attending the shower. If she is a true friend, she will more than understand.

In the meantime, I would focus on improving your relationship with your husband. Your priorities should be your health, your child, and your marriage right now. Good luck.

I would say not to go. I'm not sure why people are telling you to be happy for her and go. I don't get the impression that you're not happy for her...of course you're happy for her. If someone was scared of a rollercoaster, would they go to King's Island and get on one? It's not fair to you or your co-worker to attend. It would only make you feel worse and I know for me it's hard to put on a happy face. You can keep the reason for not attending to yourself or you can explain it to your friend. When I was pregnant I had a friend who told me up front that she was upset I was pregnant and she wasn't. That was okay with me. I felt for her, but I couldn't help my circumstances. I wouldn't talk about my pregnancy etc. around her and would focus on her and what's going on with her life. Don't put yourself through the torture. I would maybe find a counselor or someone to talk with. Sounds like you and your husband may need some counsiling and see if you can't get on the same page. Hope this helps! Hang in there!