Here is a little background about me. I am 36 years old and divorced. The divorce was bad so I cannot really count on their father for moral support. My boyfriend and I live together. I have two daughters, the ages of 5 and 8. They fight over EVERYTHING, and I have tried everything I can think of to keep the peace, but nothing seems to work. My 8 year old (Caiti) is the sensitive type and my 5 year old (Becky) is the bossy type ~ she thinks she's 20.
Becky will lecture Caiti and anyone who will listen to her. I swear it sounds like she has lived a lifetime already. They know exactly which buttons to push on each other and they do
it constantly. Neither one of them seems to know the age that they really are, they're always trying to be much much older and I'm not sure how to bring them back to their own age. I have reached the point where I have no patience so I lose my cool alot. I know that this definitely does not help the situation, but it has taken its toll on me. I could write a novel of examples, but the bottom line is that if the wind blows in the wrong direction they fight about it. I have yet to find one thing that they agree on. When they play together it is very short-lived and end up fighting about how one of them is playing "wrong". My boyfriend and I always tell them to name things about each other that they like and try to remind them of loving times, but it never lasts. Funny thing though, at day-care this is not an issue. They are just fine there. Once in a while Becky gets a time-out for being too bossy with the other kids, but that is about it. Caiti gets her feelings hurt alot and her way of handling it most of the time is by hitting her sister and throwing huge temper tantrums. Caiti has been to therapists already and Becky went to a few appointments with her as well. I notice no change really, 2 day relief at most. When I tell friends/family about these situations they think I am exaggerating, I wish I were. People find it hard to believe, but it is very real and has affected me greatly. I am not an effective parent because of how drained I am due to the stress this causes. My boyfriend is wonderful and tries to help as much as possible. Any advice you have would be appreciated, what I am trying to do isn't working so I am willing to do anything. If anyone has specific questions that I can answer just send me a response and I will answer them. This is getting pretty long as it is.
Thank You so much. God Bless.
I really like the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Probably won't solve all the problems, but I think it would be a good start. I also love the book by the same authors How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.
Good Luck!
I have 3 girls and if you find a solution I'd love to hear it. I'm in the same boat. :)
A.
I don't have kids this age but they are definately acting out. Most life counseler's will tell you not to date again until your kids are grown and out of the home. It's confusing and usually causes more harm then good. Once parents fall in love again, they usually start to push their kids away in some form and this might be why they are acting out OR it's just the fact that their parental unit they knew and trusted has split apart. At daycare, it's been the same and therefore is comforting and feels safe to them. Creating that environment at home will be very helpful. Have you seen a therapist about this? I would recommend a family consultant to also help here. The one I know is Julie Buck with Denver Family Consultant and see what she can do to help. Her number is ###-###-####. I think she has a website, but I am not sure. Give her a call, she is kind of like a Super Nanny.
Gosh, all of this makes me very thankful thus far ( I have 2 girls 9 mos and 5 years) and I am pretty sure that I may lock them in a closet when they approach their teen years. It sounds like you have really been trying so hard for the sake of peace in your home. I also have found myself at times yelling too much, and I really hate the way I feel afterwards. One thing that I do when I lose my cool is go back and apologize for it. I think it helps my 5 year old to know that grown-ups make mistakes too, but we also have to be responsible for them. Sometimes when my daughter is acting up and gets in trouble I ask her if she thinks it is fun to have the consequences she receives. I tell her that we all have choices to make on how we feel and act, and that she can choose to be happy (or in your case get along, etc)
Here are some suggestions that I thought of while I was reading your post:
Do your children share a room? If so, do they have their own space? Sometimes kids need to have time one-on-one with their parent-without the other child so they can be reminded that they too are special.
Divorce is awful for kids. What an uncertain time for them. You are doing the right thing by sending them to see someone, regardless of how long the results are. This is going to take a very long time for them to heal (I am still dealing with my parents' divorce, and I am 33!). Rest assured that this is going to help them. You may consider that all of you need to go to counseling. If you are not comfortable with your current counselor, then I would suggest you find someone you are comfortable with. At CSU there is a sliding fee based counseling program. Contact the Human Development and Family Studies department to find out about that.
Regarding your relationship with your X-Husband--If he is not wanting to be involved with his children, you cannot make him do so. However, if he does have visitation with them he needs to be on the same page as you, or vice versa. He is probably the last person on earth you want to speak with right now, but if he is a part of their lives, you may need to discuss some of these issues with him.
You have a long-term relationship with your current boyfriend. That is something to celebrate. From your post, I sense that he is helpful and supportive. That is good, because you also need to take care of you and your mental well-being. There is nothing wrong with putting your children first, but you also need adult relationship time as well.
Recently I checked out some books on "Love and Logic" and even though I do not agree with everything that is in them, there were some helpful things in there, and the books are playfully written in common sense lingo. I understand that the author is coming soon to give a seminar at CSU as well. Something you may want to check out.
I hope this helps you. It seems like you very much want to improve this situation for yourself and your children. You are doing the right thing by reaching out to other people. I think it would be helpful for all of you to receive professional assistance in this.
sincerely,
H.
The broken home has left them feeling lost and out of control. Their whole world shattered. Their sense of security was lost in the divorce. No matter the reason for the divorce, they do not get it. And weather the new beau is great or not, your time is being taken from them and given to him. They have lost their family unit and mommy's attention. The are fighting because there is control in anger, and it gets your attention. My best advice....get the man out of your home so you can have more time and energy for your girls. And ignore them when they fight, play with them when they are not.
The man comment.....you are sending a bad message to your girls by giving all of you to this man w/o a commitment.
I don't want to sound horrible or anything, but it sounds to me that they know they can get away with that type of behavior with you and your boyfriend. They don't have near the problems with behavior at daycare. Kids will be kids and they will fight. No doubt about that!! But is sounds like this is to the extreme. Have you tried to spend a good amount of quality time with each child? Are they fighting to get attention? Do you follow through with punishments? Do you have rules that are crystal clear to them? Maybe even written down? Are you careful to not bad-mouth their father to them or allow them to overhear you speaking of him to someone else? (no matter how supportive he is or isn't, it is still their daddy to them) Do you set good examples on how to react when you are upset or angry? I noticed my daughter getting a bad attitude shortly after my youngest came home. My husband was working a lot of hours and I was so tired from having a newborn (as well as my 3 year and 2 year old) that I was on a short fuse and found myself getting angry over silly stuff or just faster than I normally would. My daughter started treating her 2 year old brother the way I was treating them. It crushed my heart to hear say things like "stop it now" with such an angry look on her face.
I don't know if you have already tried everything that I suggested. I hope maybe one thing might be able to help. I am thinking more along the lines of maybe rules/punishment/quality attention since they don't have the same issues in daycare. Daycares are pretty good about enforcing rules and attention to the kids. But then again at the daycare that is what they are being paid to do and you are trying to clean, run errands and fix meals. It certainly isn't easy!! I just thought of something. I do this with my daughter. (my middle son is starting to help more) We clean together. She helps me make the bed or I let her wipe down the kitchen table (and I will follow behind her later). Since your girls are older; you could explain to them if everybody helps you will have more time to do a puzzle with them or watch something they want on the tv. or even go for a walk or bike ride (since the weather is getting nicer!) after dinner. Maybe on Mon the older girl gets to choose the activity and then on Tues. the younger one....that way they have a say and feel like you listen to them.
Good luck and I hope you get the advice that will work for your family!
Hi L.,
Best suggestion I can give is to tell each to go to their rooms without their favorite toy, and when they can play nice together they can come out. Reinforce hugs! I had to laugh when you describe their arguing about the wind changing direction. My teenagers (ages 15 and 16) kibbitz on occaision to which we say "what difference does it make" With the teens it is hormonal (I hope) and pray they will cease soon.)
WIth your two girls, they could be acting out because daddy is no longer around. It would behoove you to get married, and invite God into the relatioship...alot of couples invite Him to the ceremony, but then leave Him at the alter.
If you need a great church home: Southeast Christian Church on Jordan Road in Parker.
Blessings,
C.
Hi L.,
How stressful. It sounds like they want attention from you.
I'm sure they are still having emotional issues with their dad being out of the picture. But, maybe since you work full time and have a boyfriend, they are longing for just mommy and me time. Could you and the girls go away for the weekend? Maybe the weekend could include age appropriate activities.
Since,they are not a problem at daycare, they obviously know you give them attention when they are fighting, albeit negative attention.
I would try to set up a weekly girls night or once a month full day get together.
They want you in their lives right now and are telling you, in the wrong way. If you don't give them the attention they need (they are so young), they will seek it elsewhere and could get into trouble.
Good luck, hopefully things change for you.
L.
Dear L.,
I am speaking from personal experience here. My mother and father got divorced when I was 8 and they went through a really bad one also, I remeber still thinking the reason that they split was all my fault. I never told my parents this growing up untill I was in high school. You and you ex will have to sit down with the girls and let them know that you both love them very much and that what happened between the two of you was not because of them. I know this might be hard as I can tell you hate your ex, but this will help the girls if you two put aside your difference for your daugters. I have 3 younger siblings that we all used to fight constantly. I have a younger sister and two younger brothers. My dad and even my grandmother would send us outside if we started to fight and let us finish, they wouldn't break it up and after a while we stopped doing that because we got tired of beating each other up and getting no response from either parent. We just wanted to spend as much time with them as possible since they weren't together any more we thought that they just didn't want us so we felt like they didn't care. Also let them know you did not leave thier dad for your new boyfriend. hope this helps you out.
T.
