I have a question that has been burning in my brain for days... How to overcome female insecurity.
I am very insecure by nature, as are many women I know. The number of times I actually question and insult myself on a regular basis would probably equate to the number of times a day that men think about sex. Which is sad, and crazy, and irrational. Even though I am aware that its irrational, I do it anyways. As do many of my female friends. The question is, how do I make myself stop? To do that, I feel like maybe I need to find out why I do it. Because at this point its an unhealthy habit; and bad habits, can be broken, when replaced with a more healthy, more satisfying habit.
Satisfying.... That's a strange choice of words I know. But why do something repeatedly that you know is not good for you unless it satisfies you in some way? I mean really, lets be honest here; it has to be satisfying in some way or we, as women, wouldn't continue to do it.
Now, that all being said there's the other side to this. Men.
Men HATE seeing or hearing us be insecure. Most women are aware of this, yet we tell our spouses that we think we are fat anyways, that we feel like shitty moms, that we hate ourselves, that other women are better than us, that we think we aren't attractive anymore; blah blah blah; and it makes their skin crawl. Yet we do it anyways. Even worse, for some reason we then WATCH our men and look and monitor for any signs of validation of those very negative feelings that make them cringe in the first place. Often overreacting to our interpretation of their words, behavior, or body language, then accusing them of being cruel and judgmental and total assholes who don't care about us. Which is not true at all.
THEY CHOSE US. yet for some reason we don't believe it. Even though its true. Probably because we don't feel worthy of it. But WHY? What happened in our lives to create this level of insecurity? Its obvious that we don't WANT to feel this way; we just cannot help ourselves.
So my question is, why do you think that you feel this way and for those of you who aren't insecure, were you at one time in your life? And how did you overcome the nagging racing feelings of unworthiness?
I know that beauty is recognized in two ways. Objectively, and perceptively. Objectively is how the media portrays beauty; its how modeling agencies decide who is worthy of being on their runways; but that is not reality. Perceptive beauty is how our spouses decided to CHOOSE us. They chose us because they like the total package; and surprisingly I can almost bet you that BEAUTY was NOT the biggest deciding factor. Personality, drive, motivation, intelligence, etc. make up the majority of the selection process for men. INSECURITY was NOT something the men were looking for. Probably wasn't nearly as prevalent during the dating process as it is now years later within the marriage; and it certainly isn't helping mine.
All that being said. I want to be the strong, proud woman I act like I am when someone unworthy of judging me takes a stab at me and tries to bring me down. I have no problem declaring my worth then. However, I go out of my way to try and find my spouse judging me, and no matter how busy and stressed I am, I always find time to compare myself to others and berate myself. Which is dumb and going to ruin my relationship if it doesn't stop.
I'd love to get feedback from other women on this topic. I need some different perspectives and advice on how to overcome this issue. Thanks in advance!
Someone had mentioned and asked if I have accomplished much. So I would like to answer that. Yes. I am a college graduate with three beautiful children and going onto my 10 year anniversary with my husband. I have two successful businesses, one photography company, one company that restores and repairs and improves images for bereaved families (MY PASSION IN LIFE), and enough income to support our busy family of 5 without assistance. Im not bragging. I do have A LOT to be thankful for and I am. Which is why these feelings are frustrating because I have no idea where they are coming from. I did suffer from sexual abuse as a young adult 15yrs old to 16 years old, but that situation was many years ago and my current insecurities have gotten worse only in the last year or so. My husband threatened to divorce me in a drunken argument around that time due to his stress level at work and home after I had just had surgery and a new baby which increased his workload temporarily quite a bit. And I haven't really gotten over it... I love him and he assures me he was just mad and he didn't mean it but I don't trust him not to pull the rug out from under me. Ive been betrayed so many times in the past that im sure that has so much to do with it. I put myself out there and I have been told that I need to learn to set more boundaries, which I am trying to do. im just struggling with it for some reason now.
Sounds like an OCD trait. I'd say you need Dialectic Behavioral Therapy to overcome this issue personally.
ETA after your SWH: please get some counseling.
I might have been more like you describe when I was in my 20s.
I think as you mature, you kind of get over yourself.
Life isn't a contest.
There's always going to be someone smarter, funnier, thinner, curvier, prettier, etc.
It's about what you make you.
Make the most of ALL of the gifts you have. Physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual. ALL of it.
If you're lucky enough to find that partner that thinks you walk on water? Better take care of that relationship, because it's a jewel.
Men hate insecure, clingy women. There's no quicker way to send them packing.
If a man prefers an insecure woman? Chances are he's a real piece of work.
Hmmm...well I know when I was younger I was a little insecure, as a teenager, then a bit as a new, inexperienced mother.
But really, with age comes grace, strength and confidence.
I'm not sure what you and the women you surround yourself with are all about, but my guess is that you have not had much success in your life? education? meaningful experiences?
A big part of feeling good about yourself comes from being proud not only of who you are but what you have accomplished.
And if you focus soley on your outer appearance you will NEVER be fulfilled, that's simply too shallow of a way to live.
"My husband threatened to divorce me in a drunken argument ..... but I don't trust him not to pull the rug out from under me."
I think your insecurities about yourself stem from your distrust and insecurities surrounding your marriage. You don't TRUST your hubby not to leave you. That makes you insecure.
I think if you can find trust in your marriage, then you will find some inner security and peace. It seems like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Some behavioral conditioning might be a good thing for you. As I understand it, it identifies triggers, the nature of the internal monologue, offers alternative thought cycles, and affirming behaviors.
I've been lucky to feel blessed every time I look in the mirror. Not about to grace a magazine cover, but I look good, feel good, and carry myself well, with a spring to myself, a smile on my face, and a hint of sexy about the way I smell.
Hubs is fond of me, and lets me know it even when I am covered in mud, have sweaty hat head or too early in the morning. Hubs tells me he loves my image, and is turned on by my self image and enthusiasm.
Good luck to you. You are right to say that your cycle is dangerous and might be the ruin of your relationship.
F. B.
Interesting first question.
IMO, it's about self-talk. If you know you beat yourself up, stop. Instead of "Ugh, I feel ugly today" make it "I have a nice smile." If you really don't like something about yourself, what can you do to change it?
If your internal monologue is the culprit, change the topic.
Hi,
Mamazita couldn't have said this better!
When I've doubted myself (is that we mean by insecurities?) it's usually that I'm not sure I can do something. Then I make myself and then I feel empowered.
My feelings about myself aren't determined by my husband (or anyone else). I can't relate to that part of your question. If my husband told me he didn't find me attractive, I'd probably be hurt, not insecure. Then, I'd go from hurt to wow, he's being mean. Thankfully he's not :)
Question myself? I think I've learned to just trust my gut. And go for it. Fear is very crippling.
Insult myself .. no. I take care of myself. I have a disability and that's enough to deal with. I give myself a break :)
The only time I feel a bit insecure now I would say is if I'm meeting people for the first time because I am shy. So I focus on the other person. Then you can't think about yourself :)
ETA:
Hi, just read your "So what happened". I misinterpreted the question originally, sorry.
You've been betrayed and abused in the past - your feelings are totally understandable. And having your husband threaten to leave (even just in the heat of the moment) can really be upsetting. Trust is so important. I know therapy can be very healing when we've been hurt. Best wishes
we all have internal dialogues, and we are the sum of the stories we tell ourselves and the world about ourselves.
and as the creator and narrator of these stories, we have the power to change the narrative.
not that it's easy. recognizing that we create our own realities is way more power than most people are comfortable wielding.
khairete
S.
Is this insecurity you are talking about all about looks? Or general self-worth?
Other than when I was a teen maybe, I've never really had the feelings you are describing. There are things I've wanted to change about myself physically at times, but they don't rule my life. I've never asked my husband "Do I look fat in this," or whatever. I've never felt "judged" by him, although I imagine he likes some looks more than others.
Your comment about "someone unworthy of judging me takes a stab at me and tries to bring me down" seems unusual. In my whole life, I have never had an experience with someone that has caused me to have such a perspective. Not everyone likes me, I'm sure, because nobody is everyone's cup of tea, but I've never felt that people were actively trying to "bring me down." And that seems to be a whole different topic than your husband's judgment of your looks.
I don't know what you do to overcome this. Maybe you are young, and if so maturity will probably help.
Sure, everyone feels insecure at some point in their lives. However, with age I have learned to let those go, especially with men. Why? Because, even as much as I love and cherish my wonderful husband, at the end of the day and God forbid anything ever happen, I could without a doubt that make it on my own. I know this about myself, and that gives me confidence. Looks will go with age- I realize this as I am now growing older. But my strength lies in my ability to rely on myself, trust my instincts, and forgive myself of my faults and the faults of others. It's up to you now to find your own inner strength and know that it will get you through your own struggles in life.
What worked for me won't work for everyone because it was not about insecurity to start really, but about sexual shame. When I let that go and embraced my sexuality and my desires and was open about them with my husband, and stopped holding back during sex (leave those damn lights on, this is about how I feel, not how I look) I started to see a new hunger in his eyes for me, and that hunger made me feel sexy. Through that I was able to embrace my larger body and start to see it through his eyes, see the curves rather then the jiggle, see his want rather then my insecurity.
I do know where you're coming from. I too am quicker to stand my ground and defend myself to a stranger than my husband. For me it's because he's the closest one to me. I've revealed more about myself to him than anyone else ever, so his opinion matters. In the beginning of a relationship it's all hearts and flowers, then the true test comes when children arrive. It gets more interesting when the aging process kicks in. If you're not careful, you can loose yourself in all of this, become unrecognizable to yourself.
With that said, your feelings are unique to your situation. Your experiences in childhood and young adulthood have brought you to this point. All of the positive affirmations in the world might not change what you're feeling. When I was feeling my worst, I went to a therapist. Some might feel it is an insult, 'you need a shrink', but I don't. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. Just the simple act of telling a complete stranger my innermost thoughts and feelings opened me up and changed my view of myself. It gave me clarity. I hope you will consider it.
Best of luck to you
Some of the most beautiful women I know are not superficially beautiful but are wonderful and free women. I watched one young lady grow up from a homely child to a beautiful woman. But by magazine standards she'd never measure up - but she loves her family & friends, she has certain standards, she knows how to have fun, she has many firends, and she's close with her family, she works hard - and she's only in collge. For her I am certain it's about who she is with God. She has this contagious attitude becuase she knows she was created for a purpose, she knows she is gifted and she's forgiven for any screw-ups she's made in life, and she got this awesome grace to cover any future errors.
I know quite a few women like her, old and young, and I can truly say the devout Christian women I know are generally like her - confident, sure of themselves no matter what they are doing in life (running their own business, working as a professional, home schooling or taking care of their young families...). they're reflecting Christ in their lives.
Proverbs 31 talks about a woman who is in business, who is a great partner to her husband, she works hard, (and she has servants!), she honoer by her kids, and revers God. I think it's a good model for how we can be - not perfect in what we do, but excellent in what we do.
