A Question for All the Homebirth/natural Birth Moms

I think too much is being focused on the labor. What's most important is the outcome of a healthy mother and baby regardless how one chooses to bring a baby in this world.

Well I guess I'm one those - but I did educate myself and made the best decision for me with the help of my husband and my doctor. I'm wondering why you thing someone else made the decisions for her?

Everyone is different, and what worked well for you may not work well for others. You friend felt like her day was beautiful and perfect too. There is a lot of conflicting research on the subject and intelligent, informed people make many different choices regarding birth. It is great that you had a wonderful experience,I would suggest that you try not to judge others for having different ones.

I know you're asking for more of a granola response, and though I gave birth in a hospital, I'm kinda granola myself so I thought I'd chime in. The only reason I didn't want to be away from a hospital when I gave birth is because bad luck follows me around like a wandering plague and since mothers still die in childbirth, I wanted to be near people who could clamp spurting arteries and restart a stopped heart. Just made me feel much warmer and fuzzier inside at the thought of being near help.

I had a friend who's neighbor was going through a home birth. There was a complication and the baby wasn't breathing when he came out. The five minutes it took to rush him to the hospital was a few minutes too long and their baby died. It was preventable, had they been in a hospital with doctors around, he could have been saved. Stories like this keep me from letting my natural hippie nature make a decision that could cost me both my life and my child's.

And of course, my bad luck reared it's ugly head and I had all decisions taken away from me two months before I was due because my liver and kidneys started failing and my blood pressure spiked very high. I wasn't even AWAKE for the birth of my child and didn't get to see her for days as I was in the ICU myself.

I was depressed for a long time and to add insult to injury, my milk never came in. I tried my damnedest for three months with a hospital pump and a team of la leche league ladies handling my boobies and nothing was working. The herbal supplements... nothing.

So, I consider myself an educated woman. I understand that there is a special kind of feeling, birthing away from all intervention with family and midwifes, but I'm also a scared woman. Fear is why I will stick close to modern medicine and forgo the wonders of natural child birth, now and in the future.

Yes yes, I know. Yoda would say, "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to the dark side." But yoda is a little green turd who lives in a swamp and was never a woman facing a possible death just trying to give birth. My mortality is ever present and I want to protect what little time I have left on this earth. It goes fast and I'm not ready to get off the ride yet.

I had plans though. I wanted to give birth squatting. I had it all planned out how I wanted to do it. I was going to be in the hospital but I wasn't going to have anyone intervene unless I was really going to die. I was going to be in a birthing room off the main hall. I visited it. It was cozy. I wanted to waddle around hee hee hee and haaa haaa haa -ing my breaths, squat and push. I wanted my husband there to hold my hand and walk me in my meditative circles.

I got none of it. Through no fault of my own.

Trying to force child birth "education" based on a personal preference is no different than pushing your religion on someone because you think yours is better. No, because you KNOW yours is better. You are right and everyone who doesn't do it like you is doing it wrong. If you were Buddhist and all your friends were Christian, and you were so sad for them because they didn't believe in your religion, you'll only push them away if you try and convert them. Your friends aren't stupid, they'll figure life out just like you did.

And you don't know the medical history of all your friends. It's quite possible that your tiny friend could rip, and you know, you can hemorrhage from a bad rip and DIE. I think it's ok that she listened to her doctor and I don't think it's very nice of you to consider saying anything that could make her feel bad for her decision.

I gave birth in a hospital with a wonderful midwife and had 2 wonderful "natural" births (no epidural, C-sections, episiotomies...). I breastfed, I carried my babies. I have friends who made different choices or who needed unplanned interventions. Some would like to breastfeed but the milk wouldn't come or it hurt to much. Some go for natural but cannot take the pain, or have a bad breached position and end up with a C-section. It is their life, their children, their families, their choices.
I accept them and they accept me. When I am sad because they miss the birth, I remember that they are happy because they missed the pain and then I am happy for them. It was their decision.
As a parent, you will come across parents with many different opinions on everything (you can see on this site): TV or no TV, cry it out or co-sleeping, vaccines or no, private school or public school, branded toys or not, toy guns or not, swimming class or not, no activities vs. over-scheduled kids, cloth diapers/disposable, breast/formula, etc.
You just have to accept the as they are, without pushing your choices on them. Otherwise, you will only loose friends and build sadness inside you from all these people who make you feel sad.
Your birth experiences were beautiful. Theirs were different, but inside, they may feel they were also wonderful. We are all different and unique and always try to remember that your experience may represent a nightmare for some other mothers.
The dreams of ones are not the dreams of others, otherwise, we would all try to be President, or firefighters, or ...
That being said, the documentary "the business of being born" has convinced at least 2 of my friends to have more natural births.

I had to respond to this because as a new mom, this brings out a major issue I have. It seems that in the United States, no matter what decision a woman makes regarding pregnancy, childbirth, and/or child rearing, she is going to be judged harshly. I fully intended to have a natural child birth; I went to natural child birthing classes, read all the books and did everything I could to educate myself about my rights as a pregnant woman. I received lots of judgmental comments from my mainstream friends about what a ridiculous decision it was not to have drugs, c-sections, etc.

Then, when I actually did give birth, after 48 hours of no sleep, back labor, and absolutely no progress in dilation due to my baby's positioning inside of me, I elected for an epidural simply so that I could get some sleep and have enough strength to finish laboring and push the baby out. I am so glad that I made that decision. No one forced me into it, I didn't give up control, I wasn't uneducated. I simply know my body and what I want for it. However, now I receive judgmental comments from the natural camp about denying myself and my baby the experience of natural childbirth, about my willingness to relinquish control over my body, etc. As a woman, it seems like I can't win here.

To be perfectly honest, I think we all need to give each other a break and respect the decisions that others make. Just because your friend chose not to have the same birth experience that you chose does not mean she was uneducated or neglectful of her body. She just wanted something different. Why is that sad to you? Would you like it if your friend listened to you and judged you on your home birth experience? There are a good many highly educated people out there who believe that home birthing poses a huge and unnecessary risk to mother and baby due to the possibility of something going wrong and not being close to a hospital environment when you needed it. They might look at your experience and simply chalk it up to sheer luck on your part that nothing bad happened. I don't necessarily agree with those people, but do you see how insulting it is to have someone else tell you you're uneducated and downright irresponsible with the decisions you made?

Check your assumptions on what you consider to be a "better birth." For you, it was being home and catching your baby. It's wonderful that you got to have the birth you wanted in which you felt every sensation. For you, that's a better birth. However, for your friend (and others), perhaps a better birth means being in the security of a hospital with medical help seconds away if she needs it? Perhaps it means a medicated birth so that when she does hold her child for the first time, she is not so wiped out physically and emotionally and she can actually enjoy the moment?

I'm sorry if I seem to be venting here, but I have NEVER in my life had to deal with such judgments as I now do as a mother and after three months of motherhood, I'm already tired of it. As women, why do we do this to each other? Isn't it difficult enough being a woman, wife and mother without having to defend every decision we make to other women? Can't we just simply celebrate each other's children without imposing ourselves on each other? If the judgments were simply about pregnancy and child birth, that would be bad enough, but it doesn't end there. Breastfeeding vs. formula, stay at home vs. day care, organic vs. non organic, disposable diapers vs. cloth diapers, co-sleeping vs. cribs. I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. No matter what we do, someone is always there to tell us why it's wrong and that if we only educated ourselves, we would choose better (ie- choose what they chose).

Again, I'm sorry to vent and I'm sure this wasn't the kind of response you were looking for, but you really touched a nerve here and talking with my friends who are also new moms, it's an issue that has come up in every single conversation we've had. If you really love and respect your mainstream friends and family, leave your judgments and assumptions at the door and give them the benefit of the doubt that they know what is best for their bodies and their families. I would hope they do the same for you.

Hi Lisa! I am not a home birth person, I hope someone who is answers your post. But I had an idea, not sure if it will help, but here goes :). What if you try switching your thinking to how the other side feels?for example, maybe imagine that some women are sad for the parents that don't have faith or trust in doctors who spend years preparing themselves to help both mothers and their babies have a healthy and successful birth. Do you welcome their concern? Probably not. You have educated yourself and had beautiful, successful births. That is wonderful! But I think your preoccupation with "feeling so sad" for other women who choose differently is misplaced. Respect their choice, just as they should respect your choice. However I can totally see how discussing childbirth with friends who believe differently would be hard. So maybe avoid that topic, or maybe someone on here will give you some great things to say. But I think it is better to just be at peace with your choices. The rest of the world does not have to do the same thing to validate your experience. You know you had a great time...well other women have as well. I hope you find peace with this!

kind of an unfair question... it is YOUR opinion that natural births are better... and that is your right. I tried to go natural (at least, no drugs but in the hospital) but I wound up having preeclampsia *spelling?* so they tried to induce... when that didn't take I went home... After I went into labor on my own 2 days later I wanted to try natural again, but my blood pressure was fluctuating massively, and laying on my left side wasn't helping so I had to have the medicine for that. Also, after several hours of severe contractions I wound up getting an epidural, when I was able to finally relax and enjoy the process of giving birth. (my baby girl was 9lbs 12oz...) Even then, I had a massive hemorrhage and lost over 1/2 the blood in my body...there are a lot of reasons why I was SOO happy to have been in the hospital (and on drugs... having the OBGYN up to her elbow in your junk, trying to stop the bleeding just after pushing nearly 10 lbs out your va-jay jay is NOT a pleasant experience...)While you may feel that a "natural" birth is best, many feel that "mainstream" is better. This is purely a matter of opinion... and I highly doubt that the baby knows the difference. By all means, share your opinions with your friends, and feel free to make recommendations, but you should respect their wishes if they want to make a different choice than you did...

I feel I am educated on my decision, and I CHOSE to go with an ob that i TRUST fully. i did do my research and have felt that for me, it's safer in the hospital than at home. I miscarried the first time I was pregnant, and my blood level went from a 16 to an 8. Yes I ended up in the hospital and it was a nightmare to lose all that blood, and what my body went through. I needed that extra help at the hospital that I received, and for me, that's what they are there for. So with my second pregnancy, I went in had my plan figured out, and discussed with my doctor. I was induced early because i was pre-eclamptic, and had low platletes. i did receive an episitomy, but I was ASKED by my doctor as she knew I didn't want that. But my daughter wanted to show her stubborness from the beginning and came out with her head sideways. I started tearing on my own, and I said to do the cut, as it heals faster than if i were to continue tearing. my daughter had severe jaundice, and it was discovered right away, becasue of the blood work they did. And that helped us treat her. Her levels jumped WAY up by day 2, and if it wasn't that i was in the hospital, I possibly wouldn't have had her blood levels checkd so much and would not have known, and that would have been very harmful for her.

i am due in 4 weeks, and again yes i will be in the hospital. I have low plateletes so for me, i can't chose anything else, as it's a danger to my health and my babies, if i were to deliever anywhere but the hospital.

Every mom makes the decision that is best for them. yes i do feel that moms who look into nothing, and plan their babies all around their own work schedules are missing out, but they are missing out on the wonderful parts of being pregnant. I think most moms do educate themselves on what's going on with their body and know what they want, and what they are comfortable with. Everyone's comfort level is different. I have friends who have had both their babies at home, and for them it worked for them. They loved it. But again everyone is different.

you feel that your home birth is the better way to have a birth, but others say that having a doctor is the better way. As mom's everyone always has their own opinion. I agree with the previous poster as to why, can't we all just get along. As moms we go back and forth at each other constantly about everything. instead of supporting one another and being there. For my first child, i said disposable was the way to diaper, and now, I have decided cloth. But both times, I have listened now to moms tell me why i am wrong. I am not wrong, I am doing what I WANT, as a mom, and it's my right to chose what's right for ME. for you, home birth was what you wanted, but it's not for everyone. If it really is a problem for you how your friends have given birth, then you need to let them know that's a problem and that you don't want their friendship. But you can chose as well, that you and your friends have different views, but you both did what was right for YOU as a person.

Lisa,

I have five beautiful, healthy children, but you feel "sad" for me and my babies because I had them in hospitals and with epidurals? Really?

I have friends that have suffered through the tragic loss of their child. Others that have dealt with infertility. Still others that have children born with disabilities. I feel sad for them. They have truly experienced grief and sadness and pain that I cannot fully understand. Why would you waste your energy being sad for a woman that has not experienced what you experienced. What one woman calls beautiful another calls unnecessary, excruciating pain. There are other ways to empower yourself. Being strong and taking care of your family while your husband is away at war. Serving others by volunteering your time to worthy causes and making a difference in their lives. Childbirth is not the only way. So get over yourself.

I don't think you are being honest when you say you feel sad for your friend. Judgmental, yes. Maybe even jealous, but not sad.

I am a very educated mother and I chose to have my babies in the hospital for reasons that are none of your business. Don't assume someone is ignorant because they make choices you don't agree with. You have not walked a mile in their shoes; you have not lived their lives.

You asked this question to inflame others and attempt to shame those that did not chose a home/natural birth. It's obvious because you knew the answer to your question the whole time.

To answer your follow-up question about "wrapping your heart" around others decisions: Live and let live. If your true desire is to educate then write a book or establish a blog , but leave your opinions out of it. You come off sounding judgmental and not kind, informative and advocating, which is perhaps your real intent.

Both my children were born naturally. Some people handle pain better than others..some fear pain more than others and some push right through it. I did that..and with my first....lots of tearing..you can be "small" down there. I am and actually they worried my son would not carry long enough..same with my daughter though her head was a little smaller. Her cord was wrapped. I had to be in a hospital or my baby would have died. Natural is what you make of it. Natural to me is not in my own bed. I have issues with the sight of blood...it could have caused issues with the baby. I totally believe one should experience labor as drug-free as possible..but getting the baby out safely is the important part..safely for both mama and baby. However when women ask me about drugs..I smile and say "Newbain" (sic) They didn't give it to me until after my babies were born and it was so nice because it not so much took away pain but sort of made me forget that part. My husband's first daughter was born at home and it was an amazing experience for him...he really wanted that for ours too..but we didn't have any midwives where we lived at the time. I think I would have considered it but the risks for our two together were just too high.
I am all for "natural" child birth..but if one has an "unnatural" event occur during the birth..then well..it happens that it is best to be in the hospital. I would never try to talk a woman out of her planned way of giving birth. Everybody is different and as long as the environment is clean, and someone qualified to attend is there...(and I don't just mean mama..what if someone were to stroke while giving birth..catch the baby..pop your brain..no oxygen to baby if baby didn't come out before stroke and now an emergency c-section as well as stroke victim treatment.
I realize you asked for people who are "natural minded" and I am..natural to me means giving birth without the use of drugs. An episiotomy is better than tearing I will tell you that. I had over 200 stitches from the tearing that occurred during the birth of my son. His head was huge!! No drugs though...no drugs for the stitching either thank you very much...all 200 stitches...they were worried about giving me the local ..I cannot recall why and probably I am okay with that. I was terrified when I heard the number..I was torn from "stem to stern"..and it took months for me to get proper control of my "nether regions" again. (He even tore my urethra ) I haven't been the same since..and still managed to get another into the world. I did not tear as much but it was even more painful stitching because of the scar tissue being so uneven. (Jagged tears heal more slowly and are harder to stitch up. They actually did snip just a bit for my daughter because they had to get the cord unwrapped from her neck and shoulder and could not get in..I was dialated fully..but I am small between my lower pelvic bones..one of my hips is partially displaced and will remain so til the joint fails or I have surgery on it sooner. Natural isn't just being born at home or off drugs of any kind. Natural is safe, natural is healthy..and natural only can happen when the situation is "just right" from what I can tell. It takes a lot of practice as well to do natural childbirth. Anyone planning it should take a Lamaze class for its duration. I used the video tapes of Lamaze exercises to help me sleep before and right after the baby was born..it helped with nursing cramps and other things as well.
Mainly though..some of us have a hard time with certain types of pain. Some pain is just unbearable and I am sorry you are sad for your friend. I am sure she is perfectly happy with her decision and you should respect her not pity her. She could have told you "maybe next time" just to make you stop bragging...which is sort of what it sounds like..or copping a "holier than thou" attitude about it. Having a differing opinion is fine but I don't think you should be so pushy about it. ..I mean really..is it any of your business what your friend decides to do with her body? If she had the baby at home and something went wrong..especially after you convinced her to do it that way..what would happen to your friendship? You have to be sensitive to others' feelings about these things. Mostly..I'd say..wow.."you must have experienced a lot of pain..or been really scared of pain"...help her get through that fear instead of harping on her about it.

Just so you know...there are no awards for mothers who give birth naturally. It doesn't make you stronger, smarter, or more courageous than any of us who chose to have an assisted experience. Please don't be sad for us.

lisa--i read through about 2/3 of these responses and was hurting for you that others jumped all over your question. i understand what you are talking about (as do a few others here). i am a midwife and work in a hospital (for a variety of reasons)--but i try to make each birth as homey and midwife-y as possible. most women are afraid of their bodies, afraid of pain, afraid of the work it takes to trust the process. many of my patients say they will "try" to do it naturally, they will "try" to breastfeed -- instead of saying that they WILL birth naturally, that they WILL breastfeed. i agree with you completely. but yeah, you can't do a lot to change other women's perceptions of how it is all *supposed* to work. what do these people think their grandmothers did? *sigh* ....you just have to keep pushing, keep educating, keep sharing what you know...and hope for the best. (((HUGS)))

I know I may be a little late to the party but here it goes. First I would like to applaud you for being so active in the quest for women to make informed decisions however, (this is just my opinion so please please don't take it to heart, I am not trying to be mean or rude) this is America, and here people do have the right to be uneducated about whatever they choose whether it be animals, education in general, politics and yes even child birth. I was 20 when I was pregnant and I did alot of research. I decided that even though I liked the idea of staying home to have my baby, in the end it wouldn't work for me but I still wanted to be as natural as possible. Due to complications I had to have ultrasounds pretty regularly and when my water broke 2 weeks early I had to be given a drug to stimulate by body to start having contractions since I went 7 hours without having a single contraction I could feel but I did have a mid-wife who I loved!. As far as wanting to feel the baby, catching the baby, etc... no offense but there was no way in hell I wanted to feel that. I didn't want to see my baby leave me, nor did I want to catch him (mainly due to I was scared I'd drop him), I wanted to stay in my happy place with the hot cabana boy bringing me my mixed drinks! =-) I love my son with all my heart. I did not need to feel any of those things in order to love him. So I have a theory/question to put to you Momma, have you ever considered the fact that it may be that your friends were educated about all of their options and still wanted what they had? Did you ever think that maybe just maybe they chose those options because it was what was best for them? For you child birth is a like a romantic get away but for others it may not have been. Although this next bit may seem really harsh, and for that I am sorry I think it needs to be said, when it came to your decisions, your heart had every right to be there, but when it comes to others, your heart has no business in their affairs.

I'm with Christina W... this is all just your personal opinion. I did not have an ultrasound at every ob appointment. I did have my births induced, one because the fluid was extremely low and my baby wasn't getting the nutrients he needed and the second because my baby was pushing toward 10 lbs. Both were overdue so I wasn't concerned for their health. I had IV's both times, because they are required for the epidural I had both times. Let me be sure you understand this... I felt every bit of my babies leaving my body. I felt the pressure and the tearing and the burning and my 2nd baby's shoulder getting stuck and having 2 doctors reaching into me to try to pull him out. I felt it all. The only thing the epidural did for me was conceal my contractions so I could relax and dialate quickly.

Every mother and every birth is different. As mom's, we are judged about everything we do. I don't think we need our friends judging us because we didn't have the birth THEY wanted.

Lisa, Don't be so h*** o* yourself. Not everyone chooses to be in control of their life and make their own decisions. Basically they just don't want that responsibility. It's much easier to just turn the decision making over to someone else... it usually carries over into other aspects of their life as well. They would rather leave all decisions concerning raising their children to the pediatrician, day care, public schools, etc.

I applaude you for taking a proactive roll in your life and the lives of your children. You are setting a good example that will carry them through to adulthood!

~D.~
www.biobirths.com

Lisa
I know exactly what you mean. It is so hard to not say anything when you hear someone talking about their birth insisting that they had no control over it. You have to realize that they probably didn't know that they had choices and that they were doing what they thought best. I don't want to offend these people and it all. Usually I counter with how amazing my births were and talk about the choices I made and why I made them. Usually people are curious and will ask and I answer. I also don't want to seem like a zealot but, like you, they were the best days and most amazing experiences of my life and I can't help but get very animated when I talk about them.
Mainly I try to let it go and realize that everyone is trying to do the best they can!

cheers
K.

I had absolutely no drugs or "interventions" with my daughter, but your attitude is what puts other mothers off. How do you know they're not educated? There are very good medical reasons for many of the procedures that are done today. I agree that they are completely overused, but that does not mean that they should never be used. You need to get off your high horse, have compassion for people, listen to them, and then IF they ask your opinion you can give it in a kind, non-judgmental way. They shouldn't give all their control over to their doctor, but they shouldn't give it to you either.

Hi Lisa,
I wanted to chime in because, right or wrong, I really struggle with this issue at times too. I don't have an answer for you, but thought you should know that someone else out there is feeling the same way.
I had a hospital birth first (years ago at a young age) and a homebirth with my second. It was very eye-opening, and I felt great about my decision. I could never go back to a hospital situation, knowing what I know now. Giving birth at home was the best day of my life.
At the same time, I don't ever (intentionally) make anyone feel bad about their decisions. It's such a personal issue and unless they want more info from me, I try to do a lot of nodding, uh huh, and oh, I see. Just listen and try to see where they are coming from. I agree with the other posts about supporting each other first and foremost. I like to spread the word about natural birth and our choices, and do so whenever the opportunity presents itself, but it's important that we find a way to do it minus the hard feelings. My hope is that education will bring natural birth back around as the norm. In many cases, that means healthier babies and healthier moms, not to mention happier, empowered and more. You know where I'm going. :)

I have a close friend who is pregnant and another who just had a baby.

For my friend who is pregnant I gave her the information for the birth center I went to and the doula service I used. I also told her the thought process that lead me to making the decision to birth the way I did, especially since she has some of the same reservations that I did initially. She can do whatever she wishes with that information and what is most important to me is that she has the birth experience that she feels comfortable with. I did push her a little harder than I would others because I know she generally uses homeopathic and other natural medicines and I'm a little afraid that she's not going to get the natural birth she wants at a hospital. But still all I can do is offer information.

My other friend, the one who recently gave birth, she's a whole different story. She was all epidural all the way and that's always been what she expected and wanted. I wouldn't personally have wanted the birth she had but I know she's happy, it's not my job to feel sad for her (and I don't) or browbeat her into feeling sad for herself. She's a good mom with a happy baby. Birthing is such a small part of parenting and as long as she's happy with what she got then that's what's important.

It would be like being sad for someone who got a flavor of ice cream that you really hate but they like. I really liked the experience I had, my friend who just had her baby at the hospital with the epidural etc would have hated it, and visa versa.

WOW, how high is it up there on your horse? Do you teach your children the same self-importance you exude? What makes you think that people who choose to see a doctor, get prenatal visits and have their babies in hospitals are not educated? What makes you think these women don't know that having their baby in a hospital IS a "better birth" for them? Who made you the birth queen to make decisions for everyone else? If you want to have a baby while white water rafting, knock yourself out! Be careful to throw stones or judge others - because a lot of us reading your post are thinking - right back at cha! Get a hobby rather than "hurting" for other’s healthy decisions for their families. You've crossed a line and it doesn't matter if it's a friend or stranger...it's as inappropriate and audastic as to judge someone's religion or politics - and you're very pompous if you can't see that about yourself.

I can totally relate, Lisa. My sister-in-law is the same way. I'm a doula here in Austin with GetBabied, and I teach natural child-birth classes, and it was really it hard for me to see her choose to not read any of the books I gave her as gifts. She also eventually chose to have an elective C-section, b/c she thought perhaps her body was too small to deliver. :(
I have to remember that this is her birth story that she is writing here, not mine, and she was totally pleased with the outcome. I do, in my opinion, believe that she is missing out on an awesome part of knowing how powerful and amazing her body really is, too. I guess if she ever expresses any misgivings about having a second C-section, then I'll totally be there for that conversation.

At the end of the day it is personal choice , and your other friends feel they had the delivery they wanted , just be happy in the knowledge that you gave birth the way you wanted and enjoyed every moment of it. I have 3 kids , the first 2 were natural births (no pain meds) but in a hospital as I had Group B strep with the first and needed antibiotics , with my second I wanted a home birth , but because of the group B strep with the first I wasn't able to and so had to deliver in hospital again , but natural with no pain meds (I am from England and natural births are encouraged , with plenty of walking around during labour if the woman wants to) , my 3rd was an emergency C section because of a ruptured appendix for me , I was put under and did not see her arrival or see her for 2 days after , I was very unwell and now that I am all better I do feel sad that I missed out on that part.

So I do understand where you are coming from , but I don't think you can make other women understand your opinions and try and get them to think like you , that would be like them trying to bring you around to there way of thinking about labour & delivery.

I know I am late in the game as far as responding goes...I've been a little distracted with a friend, whom I've known for twenty some odd years...we both were pregnant at the same time three years ago......my c-sectioned "baby" is fine...her "gotta do all natural birth because I want the expierence" baby has cerebral palsy. She has been in litigation for YEARS...not to mention, her child having cerebral palsy his WHOLE life.
I think natural child birth is great. I think all women can choose....but when you make it out like having a c-section is wrong...there is your problem.
Good Luck to you and your cause....I dont mean to sound rude...but the fact that our children will never be on the same page because she LET someone talk her into something that wasnt right for her.

M.

P.S. When they are all in kindergarten...it wont matter. They dont exactly walk around with a "my momma cared more than your momma" sticker stamped on their forehead.

Hi Lisa,
I know where you are coming from. I've given birth 4 times, twice in the hospital, once with an OB/GYN and once with a CNM. Both hospital births were unmedicated with few interventions. My last two births were at home in the birth tub with a Licensed Midwife. First words out of my mouth were "why didn't I do this before".

I feel very fortunate to have grown up with a mother who taught natural childbirth classes and taught me to get to know and trust my own body and the natural process of pregnancy, labor, and birth.

I know many women who trust that the professionals will take care of everything. I believe that women should get educated about the natural process of pregnancy & birth so that they will know what is normal and recognize if something is outside of the parameters of normal. If I hadn't learned what is normal I would have felt frightened with strong contractions/back labor with my first birth when baby was "sunny side up".
I don't believe that everyone needs to do it the same way I do, just that they should be fully informed to make the best decisions for themself and their baby with the guidance of their birth professionals.

How I deal with my mainstream friends/family is.....hmmmmmm.......Well, I guess it's person by person. Most of them know how I feel and what my experiences are. Some think my choices are unsafe and say so. I've learned that I can't educate someone who isn't open to the info. If someone asks and truly wants to know then I suggest some of the books and tell them what I've learned and why I make the decisions I do. For those who are completely closed I just laugh it off when they call me "crunchy granola" & "hippie". I tell them that I'm glad medical interventions exist that can save my life or my baby if a true emergency were to arise, and that I choose not to use unnecessary medication/interventions because they can lead to further interventions.
I know what you mean about feeling sad for women who give away their control. I have a dear friend who has always said she couldn't do natural childbirth, at least 4 of her close friends believe in natural childbirth but she chose an epidural. Her second birth happened so quickly, when she arrived at the hospital the on-call midwife said they'd order the epidural but that she could push the baby out in about 30 minutes without it. She acutally pushed him out in under 15 minutes completely drug free. She said that it was painful but now in hindsight she knows that she can handle that short time of pain. She said that she now understands why I sound so good immediately after I give birth, it's because there's no medication haze. I feel sad that since she hadn't planned a natural childbirth she didn't educate herself on other ways to manage her pain.
I think all you can do is allow your friend to have her joy and share yours with her.
Best wishes, K.

I just try to support them as much as possible because if they are good friends and support you as you need, then it is your job to support them as they need.

Their births are past. If they want to talk about them, you can certainly listen and if they choose to have another baby, you could certainly try and educate them at that point.

I am so far "left" to most of my friends and family that I really don't say much unless asked, but I do what I feel is right and they see by example. And I do have a lot of the feelings you have.

It is not your job as a friend to educate unless you have the opportunity and someone wants you to.

I will be honest. I am very very natural. We do everything you mentioned, although my planned homebirths didn't turn out as well as yours due to unforeseeable events....however I am still 100% pro homebirth! I used to belong to various "natural mommies" groups, but the proselytizing got way too much for me and I even agreed with them!

I think that you should always lead by example and have wonderful statistics and resources to share if solicited. Otherwise it is your job as their friend to support them as they need to be supported, not as you think they should be supported.

I had an epidural with my first and an episiotomy. I was not an effective pusher and it took an hour, finally ending with some assistance from the doctor.
My second...I was in so much pain and my nurse was horrible, she just wanted to do all her paper work. Finally she said 'fine let me check you again.' Yea, I jumped to 8 cm and she dropped the papers and started setting up and got my epidural. Well whatever the reason, it fell out and the feeling came back. It was horrible. There is no amount of preparing me for what I felt. I pushed (well not really because it hurt) for over an hour. It was when the doctor started talking about a c-section that I finally pushed that baby out so fast that I ripped.
I'm not sure how my 3rd birthing is going to go, but if I have to go natural I think I'm more prepared. Nothing prepares you like real experience.
I do have a friend that went natural with her 3 births, but she has a higher pain tolerance than I do. I don't deal well with the 'just deal with it' attitude. If it hurts then it hurts and if I'm scared...I'm really scared.

Encourage them to see a midwife instead of an Ob, give them a copy of "the business of being born" and hope for the best but don't be too judgemental if they don't go the natural route.

Being a mom involves a lifetime of feeling guilty. Last thing we need is for our friends to add to that.

I am a HypnoBirthing Childbirth Educator and Doula. I encounter these kinds of stories all the time, though I am more prone to childbirth being normal, natural and healthy. While I understand that interventions can be necessary, most of them are overused, and even abused. Like you, it saddens me to see women that very freely give themselves and their babies over to people who are mere acquaintances. But I have to remind myself that they may not know any different, and women who choose to give birth without these interventions are "weirdos". Hospitals are not prepared for women to have intervention free births, so those generally freak them out.
I think that it is truly important for every woman to educate herself to the degree that she feels is necessary for her, and for the rest of us to not judge. The long term effects of these interventions will eventually show their faces, and I pray they are not damaging permanently.
I think for you, just keep your head up, tell your stories of your beautiful births, don't hide them, it is not bragging. Women need to hear that women can and do give birth with confidence and no interventions (We are mammals, after all). Continue to listen to your friend with patience, love and kindness, and be there if/when she wants to hear about the beauty of your experiences.

I commend you for your beauty as a woman and a mom.

-T.
www.mygentlebirthing.com
http://mygentlebirthing.wordpress.com

Oh boy Lisa, I really don't know how to say this without sounding mean, but you're being terribly judgemental with your friends...and practically everybody else. Your assumptions about "mainstream mothers" are way off base for most people.
Just for example, I had 3 babies in hospitals, but without and intervention except an epidural with the first, and novocaine with that. I felt strongly that being in a hospital was the safest thing for the babies and me. I had to spend a bit of energy advocating for rooming in, breast feeding, and so on. My views on how things should be done are much closer to yours than to many others. I do not judge you, my friends, or anyone else for making a different decision in this very personal and emotional situation.
The first thing you have to do is stop thinking that everyone who does things differently than you is undeducated and wrong. I agree with you on a great deal of this, but your attitude is very offputting, and I'm betting your friends are reading that from you too. Try to meet people in the middle and stop preaching to them.
I don't mean this to sound rude, but you're just going about this the wrong way.

Well, I would say just share your thoughts and experience and let it go. These days epidurals are standard of care and you almost feel scared to not get one! I have a great dr who is a bit of an interventionist as well but I love her so much in many other ways I just put up with it and fight with her a bit at delivery time! I am assuming your friend respects your views about natural birth, so just do the same for her. Now if you meet someone who is interested, then share away bc who better than you to make someone know they can do it! I have done it natural with both of mine and for my second I pushed the bugger out in 4 min flat baby!! A fact I do take great pride in;) I get you, you do take a great amount of ownership when you do it natural, it's all your show. I haven't done it the other way, but I know that natural means you call the shots and it is cool. But I do get why people opt for no pain, I hate pain, I love the babies, hate the pain!!;) I always have really meaningful God time in my labors bc seriously I am not one for pain. I know what you mean about wanting something special for people though. My husband and I are huge about debt free living. When we changed, we were so excited and started to share with our friends only to discover they liked their credit cards, mortgages and car loans. Some of our friendships suffered bc in the interest of wanting them to experience this awesome freedom, we were just becoming too overbearing, which was not our intent. So we backed off. Now we are debt free, fight way less and have way less stress, so in the end, that had to be enough. If someone wants to know how we did it, we share!!! Otherwise we keep our mouths shut and our wallets full;) So you have something special, and for my next labor, if I am starting to get nervous, it's you who I will call on!!! Take care:)

Lisa - I used to think moms like you were absolutely, certifiably nuts! LOL!

Having watched mainstream medicine be dominated by the pharma and insurance industries for the last decade or two, I now think you were on to something!

Plant the seed with your friends, and if you are spiritual pray for them - otherwise don't worry about it.

Blessings.

Wow, Lisa, you seem to have struck a cord with some Mamas!

I did not find your post "holier-than-thou" or condescending. IN FACT, I completely understand you points. I have had two beautiful vaginal births that occurred with as little medical intervention as possible (I'll explain that statement in a bit). My daughter is now three and my son turns 1 in a few months and I am nearly 12 weeks too! I do not consider myself a "crunchy-granola" kind of person, but I did feel strongly that God had made me specifically for this task and that I would attempt to honor His will to the best of my ability.

My journey towards birthing began when I started researching the type of training I wanted. Part of the problem (and why women fall into the "stereotypical" birthing scenario) is that folks wait until the very end to get educated. Everyone has some concept of Lamaze (or at least TV lamaze) and I thought that seemed to be too much work - all that panting and what-not - and you know, it didn't really seem to work. I did not think that labor and delivery had to be so tramatic with all the screaming and persons running around with their heads cut off. That nervous energy frightened me. I settled on the Bradley method which perfectly fit into how my husband and I already support each other. The instructor was great! She was not an extremist. She was a realist, a lot like me, and acknowledge that despite our best efforts sometimes Baby (and God) have other plans. She NEVER once made me feel like if my attempt at labor required drugs or a medical intervention that I was a failure.

I should also say that in my experiences, my mom has always had to advocate (very loudly) for our care. Mama knows best and so I grew up skeptical of the medical community. In a twist of fate, Hubby is a nurse and therefore is entrenched in the medical community. When I discussed a home birth, he nearly died. We compromised by going to "his" hospital and hiring a doula. I worked with her to incorporate my desires for birth into a written 1-page birthplan while making sure it was not overly demanding, or inflexible. We also used words like "minimally medically invasive". So, yes, both births were hospital births, but both were centered and focused and dare-I-say peaceful? They were lovely and I would not change them for the world.

(Side note here: Women also need to follow their guts - I changed doctors the first time at *gasp* 28 weeks.... He was disrespectful towards me and I knew if there was even a hint of "trouble" he'd head straight to c-section!)

As for your situation, I was having a conversation with my SIL about her birth (she is about 6 weeks ahead of me) and when I asked her if they had started researching birthing options in her area (she lives in DC), she was like "oh, no, hospital birth for me... I want the drugs right away!" I tried really hard to be understanding but part of me was also saddened. Saddened that she wasn't even going to give her body, mind and soul the chance to experience that magical event. Since I had had two hospital births, I said that it can be a really a positive experience and I recommended that she look into either Lamaze or hypnobirthing since she is into yoga. I told her the skills she has from that training will go a long way to helping her manage any discomfort and pain. I also joked that is a good thing she is no longer in Europe as most births there are not at a hospital and are with midwifes. I shared various aspects of my birth and why we did certain things but I did not "push" beyond that.

If someone seems open to it, I suggest alternatives - like speaking to a doula, recommending the "Business of Being Born" movie (which I thought was well balanced but shows that America has a long way to go when it comes to women's health care...), digging a little deeper into the topic, etc and I always offer to share my stories. That is all we can do. Share. The more positive stories that show how birth can occur without medical intervention, the more often we can show it is beautiful, not painful, not tramatic; the more we empower those around us to embrace the final steps of their joureny to Mamahood and with the energy from these positive stories, succeed too!! We need to keep in mind to be respectful at all times and not to take it personnally. Birth is as individual as the pregnancy that got them to that point and this deserves great respect.

Also, I would suggest taht we need to encourage our daughters to embrace the change we have started. You need to remember that the taking over of our bodies and our care (especially as pregnant women) was not something that happened overnight. My grandmother talks about being knocked out for her births!! So, be gracious, share your stories and encourage the next generation. If we place our faith and love there, things will surely change.

~C.

You are correct. Natural birth is an amazing experience, and part of the wonder is being an active participant and seeing how your body is able to adapt and return to normal so quickly. Having our first baby at the hospital, induced labor, and learning about what a episiotomy is while having one, and then having our next 5 children at home with a midwife, well, there is no doubt in my mind which was the better experience.

My mindset for hospital births is that they should be reserved for emergencies (and thank God for them!), but so many of us allow fear and societal norm, to make hospital birth the place to be. Doctors often play on these (fears and norms) and make it sound like certain procedures should be standard, and don't educate women as to what they are truly capable. For example, the midwife I had after having healed from the episiotomy I received in the hospital 3 years previously, explained that most tearing that occurs is only skin deep, not through muscle. Episiotomy is a straight incision through both. The scaring and resulting pain from healing was excruciating. My midwife said that she took pride in her "repairs" (because if there was any tearing it usually on an episiotomy site) and my goodness she was gentle and correct in her assessment. (Thank God by baby 4 there was no need for this anymore!)

Honestly though, you can't change someone's mindset if they don't want anything different. I just give thanks to God that baby is here and healthy, commiserate over craziness that may have occurred during the birth process and just rejoice with my friends, no matter what they've gone through. Basically, just love on them and their children. If they are interested in things that you've learned, they'll reach for it. Nod and smile. Widen your eyes with amazement. This process is truly amazing, no matter what experience a mother has.

I know I am probably not going to change your mind, but just thought I would offer another perspective. I had a high-risk pregnancy. My doctor saved my life and the life of my baby. No question. I want to assure you that I do NOT feel sad about missing out on the opportunity to catch my baby or that I used an OB. Frankly, in my condition, it would have been reckless and downright dangerous for me to catch my baby. I was able with my doctors help to deliver vaginally and not via c-section, because my doctor knew that was important to me. I know this must be a foreign concept to you, but there are reputable OB-GYNS out there that actually listen to their patients. I'll be glad to introduce you to some. At the end of the day, though, I would not have cared for one-minute HOW my baby girl got here or if I was able to catch her. All I care about when I look at her is that she is here and I have my doctor to thank for that. I would never, ever again want to give birth without that man by my side.

I know this doesn't change your mind. In the end, though, it is my opinion and I am entitled to that. Every woman, every person is entitled to their opinions and that is something that you cannot change or control, no matter how hard you try. To think that you are somehow better than your friend and to feel sorry for her is, I'm sorry, but extremely egocentric and narcissistic.

You want to catch your baby? Great! I don't judge you for that. But until you have experienced something like my situation... life and death... you will never know what that feeling is like. I hope you never do experience anything like that. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. In the meantime, though, I hope you will take time to consider that you don't know everything about every possible childbirth situation and that you have no control over your friends life or her decisions. If you are truly her friend, then at least give your friendship enough respect to let her make the choices that are best for her (not you).

Lisa, try to understand her perspective; If she would not have felt comfortable and secure with a minimal intervention birth, it would not have been her birth. Some people can't stomach the idea of being naked and moving around in different birthing positions right there in their bedroom and then catching the baby, or marinating in a tub that occasionally needs to be skimmed for poop :) (I hope that at least made you smile). Sounds beautiful to you and I but to some it is simply gross and really, it's their birth, their choice. I know 2 women who were bullied into natural childbirth by their husbands. In both cases they ended up w/C-sections for failure to progress which I think was the direct result of them feeling anxious and eager to perform for their husbands. "Look honey, I'm strong enough to labor unmedicated, just like you wanted me to." Outside they acted tough but inside their stress hormones were probably surging, which as you know would have stalled labor and made them feel miserable. Then, after all that laboring they are made to feel like failures for needing a C. It's heartbreaking, actually.

For many it takes a major change in thinking, really a shift in philosophy for them to even consider natural childbirth, let alone a homebirth. I'm talking about unlearning decades worth of messages that subliminally (and literally) say that childbirth is traumatic and dangerous. Many women just can't get those messages out of their heads within a 9 month timetable, no matter how many Bradley method or Ina May Gaskin books they read. try to see their side.

I empathize with you in the sense that I wish more of my friends understood why I did what I did (birth center, unmedicated) so I didn't have to spend so much time defending myself. I know that women are sometimes manipulated and put on Pit for no good reason, I know C's are done way more often than necessary and MD's admit it. But some women are also manipulated into thinking they can safely VBAC by themselves on the beach, or deliver a stubborn transverse w/minimal intervention. The pendulum swings both ways.

Know that you did the right thing for you and your baby and keep on telling the story every time somebody asks. Be there as a resource for the friends who are interested in learning more and feel blessed that you had the wisdom to trust your body. sorry so long, I'm not very succinct...

I have to edit my response after seeing so many ppl mention The Business Of Being Born. Great film, but they were misleading in their presentation of stats. Infant mortality isn't the same as neonatal mortality. If a baby drowns at 11 months old their death is included in infant mortality as it goes up to 1 year of age. That statistic alone is not a sensitive indicator of how well our medical system cares for moms and neonates. Please understand why educated, well-read women can easily fall on EITHER side of this fence.

Wow, judgmental much? I had all three of my kids completely natural, no drugs, 2 by midwifes and 1 by a doctor. I had zero interventions during the actual births but did have to have pitocin AFTER for all 3 because I was losing too much blood (nearly 1 liter after the first in a birthing center but I still opted to avoid a transfusion). I would love to say I went natural the first time for the health of my kids, but honestly I was more afraid of having something stuck in my spine then I was of 16 hours of pain. I do remember begging for a tylenol with the first (lol!) which I was given and threw-up. I went natural for the 2nd 2 because I realized my fears over childbirth was unecessary and I loved the end result.

But, many mamas are terrified about the pain and opt for an epidural which equals IVs and other interventions. I do respect these moms, they can't know what the pain will be or what they can handle ahead of time. Would it be better for them to have high levels of stress during their pregnancy because of their fears? I don't think so. They chose what is right for them and they will be great moms. Some women chose interventions because they trust their doctors, who recommend and even force the interventions. Many of these women may regret the decisions, or wish to do things differently in the future but I won't judge a woman who did what her doctor said - I will judge the doctors. I would also let a friend know there are options if there will be future births and help her to empower herself or choose a better doctor if I sense regret, but I won't make her feel like she failed her kids as you seem to be doing. Then there are the moms who opt for choices I don't understand, scheduled inductions before their due dates so they don't have to be pregnant longer. Now this could affect the baby and mother's health as it leads to more interventions, but I still would not make a woman feel bad for this choice, like all the moms you have probably hurt by this post. When I took my Bradley courses which really pushed and helped moms achieve a natural birth we were taught that even if we had to have interventions for either personal or health reasons to not feel bad. All outcomes are a success which result in a happy healthy mom and baby. It sounds like your friend is happy and her baby is healthy. Respect that she knows what is right for her.

While you have good intentions, your narrow-mindedness is getting in the way of accepting that there is more than one way to do something and have a favorable outcome.

It is people like you who just automatically assume that mothers like me "gave up all control", are somehow "missing out", and do not take the time to "fully educate" ourselves. Talk about some bs...

The way you wrap your heart around this is to realize that it is OKAY for women to do things differently and, surprisingly enough, they'll will be just fine and their baby will be just fine.

Just because you don't have an all-natural, midwife and doula assisted homebirth doesn't mean that you didn't have a great experience. Maybe you wanted to feel the baby leave your body and catch it as it came out - that's what worked for YOU. For me, after two exceptionally difficult pregnancies that were chock full of risk and challenges, the most important thing for me was to ensure that my child was delivered SAFELY. It meant medical interventions that came with the guidance and expertise of my wonderful, caring doctor. I'm happy to say that both of my sons are happy, healthy, and thriving - a good thing, considering my first child tried to make an appearance at 13 weeks into the pregnancy.

Maybe you'd feel better if you were more accepting of the fact that there is more than one way to do something. Furthermore, your life really shouldn't be so totally affected by the way someone else chose to deal with their pregnancy. I'm sure you've gotten a lot of grief, comments, snide remarks about your homebirth - how did that make you feel? You probably felt like you had to defend your choices and actions when you really shouldn't have to.

I doubt your friend felt like she was missing anything at all. I'm sure she's enjoying her new bundle of joy while you're sitting there, judging and worrying over it.

Maybe you do not feel like you are being judgmental, but the posts I have read from you are very authoritative. The post about lead testing lacks evidence to back up your statement. As far as birth and delivery goes, I had my baby in a hospital after doing all the research on different types of birth. I chose this because of my age, the fact that I was positive for Strep B and my family history of health issues. I had a wonderful midwife who tried to keep everything natural, but after 4 days of contractions and 11 hours of labor with hypnobirthing techniques, belly-dancing, walking and using the ball, I had enough of the pain. The pain was an 8 on the scale of 0-10 that drs and therapists use. It bent me over double each time. I asked for the epidural several times, discussed it with the midwife and my husband and had it done. It did slow down the labor and I did use pitocin, and I did tear in 3 places although the midwife was stretching me. If I had not had the epidural and rested a little, I don't think I could have pushed so hard at the end. I would have been completely dehydrated without the IV saline. My daughter could have been infected by the Strep B. I watched the baby crown, but I was exhausted and ready for her to be born. I held her on my chest for about an hour after the birth, all wet and poopy while the midwife sewed the tears. We sang and talked. I am completely satisfied with my choice. Be reassured that I am not sad to have avoided all that pain. Please encourage people to educate themselves as you seem to be doing, but understand that some of us have done the research and made educated choices. Every body and and every person is different.

I had my babies naturally, meaning no pain medication, but they were both born in hospitals. And I don't think it's your place to impose your beliefs on others unless asked. If you're sad about their decisions, that's your problem. Don't put that on them. Everybody has to do what they think is right for them, and there are always many variables in every different situation that affect their decisions. Maybe they will regret some of their decisions afterward but that is THEIR problem. If they ask you for your opinion or for information, that's another story. Personally I didn't want pain medication because I had heard it could have a negative effect on my babies, so I wanted to go without if possible. For the second birth though, I knew how horrible the pain was going to be, and requested an epidural, but the anesthesiologist was 30 minutes away and couldn't get there in time. So some people don't want to feel that pain, and some people don't want to actually see the baby being born either. For example my mom was surprised that my husband didn't want to see the girls actually crowning, etc. Sorry but we don't think it's beautiful, we think it's gross! We love our girls but don't happen to think the process of childbirth is beautiful. Some people do. So what? To each his own!

I'm not a natural minded mama, but I wanted to answer your question as a mainstream mom. I highly respect your birth plan of having your babies at home. And I'm thrilled that you had amazing births with your children. But other moms have amazing births too even when they use interventions. If your friend can celebrate in how you give birth to your babies, perhaps you can celebrate in her birth stories too, no matter how she chooses to deliver. I'm sure she respects your beliefs in natural child birth, but it may not be how she would like to bring her children into the world - and you should respect that.

Hello. I had my daughter in a hospital with no drugs. I honestly think you have some misconceptions. If you trust your doctor, and know him/her well you make the choices together. My doctor was great, and so were my nurses. My doctor even asked me if he could start stitching me up. LOL.
I feel I am very educated. I am in the medical field, I know about midwives, and drug therapies, natural pain management, etc. I feel I made the best choice and an educated one at that to have my baby at the hospital. I had the best birthing experience, the same joy you had, was the same exact joy I had. I don't understand why you feel homebirths/natual ones are superior to hospital ones or ones where interventions were used? For someone who is "natural minded" it blows me away that you are not very open. I am educated, I made an informed decision, I had a great birthing experience, and I trusted my doctor, so please don't feel sad for me, in my eyes you didn't have a "better birth" then I did, you had a different birth then I did.
Good Luck.

You are assuming that these women are going into their births without researching. I am pregnant with number three (which will be a home-birth). I had a midwife for my first two babies. I thought I was educated about pregnancy and babies with my first that is why I opted for a midwife since she was supposed to help me with my birthplan. I read books, went to classes, did things I thought informed me. When she told me I needed an induction because of my GD, I trusted her. Long story short, in the end I hated my experience. Baby two I thought I was wiser did a little more research and decided I was going to have my non-intervention birth. Repeatedly refused the "lets set a date for your induction" from my MIDWIFE. Stayed at home until my contractions were 3 minutes apart (and didn't hurt in the slightest). Got to the hospital where I wanted to continue walking and moving to continuing dialating. Staff made me stay in bed while they got the okay to let me move. That was it. Contractions came around from 0 - 60 in 2 contractions - epidural here I come. Much better experience but still not ideal for me. Only in the last 6 months have I found mommy websites that "buck" the system. Natural or homebirths, attachment parenting, intacted babies, etc. These moms may not know or be scared. I cried when I found out I was pregnant with baby one because I was so scared of the birthing experience, the pain, the possible surgery. We are taught to trust the medical profession and they can cure all...women are just following that same trend they have their whole lives. Please try not to be too h*** o* those with difference in opinion. You can just give a few nuggets of wisdom or your experience and let them choose to ask more or do research. You never know, you may be doing something that others find sad also. (sorry for going on).

I home birthed my second child, and I loved being able to feel myself dilate! It was just so cool!!!!! What a difference a home birth makes, truly. To be able to just labor naturally, without being treated as if you are sick!

I don't say anything. I only educated when the other woman seems interested, otherwise, I just keep my mouth shut, and/or throw out relevant facts to the discussion at hand --that the c-section rate should be 10, that provider is the key determinant in outcome, etc.

There is just so much bad information out there concerning child-birth, vaccines, etc. This stuff causes heated tension between mothers because it is very much about what exactly is a "fact." Many people believe that episetomies heal better. A lot of research shows that that isn't the case because a cut is deeper than a tear, for instance. So whose right? I spent months digging through scientific journals getting information, reading actual studies, on lots of topics. This doesn't mean I own the "Facts,' either, as the facts are what we agree upon. Many believe the hospital to be safer, but if you look at the research, that just isn't the case.

It makes me sad because I believe childbirth to me one of the most amazing, empowering experiences a women can have, but we have been robbed of this by MEN in white coats. Maybe one day women will take this experience back, but until then, for the sake of womenhood, we need to just listen to others and accept that everyone does what they need to do.

There is nothing we can say. At least 65% of the women in my playgroup had c-sections, and they all believe that they were necessary. You and I both know that the rate shouldn't be more than 10%. There is nothing to say.

I do believe that in the next 30 years, we are going to see some serious changes. It will be cheaper for women to labor with midwives, and hopefully the insurance companies will get rid of the surgeons (that aren't necessary!) The home birth midwives were I live can't keep up with all the work. All we can do is wait, and teach our own girls to respect, not fear, the amazing powers of nature.

My 2 cents? Don't feel sad for those moms who do not have the experience of catching their baby. I also work in the healthcare industry and educated myself very thoroughly when I was pregnant. I had a natural birth at the hospital and my doctor did most definitely NOT control anything about my care.

Even though I had a natural birth at the hospital, I didn't catch my son, and really I didn't want too. I'm glad that someone else was there to catch him and clean him up a bit. Do an exam and hand him over to me. Because frankly I was exhausted. Having my birth experience at the hospital made me much more comfortable in case something went wrong. I'm very grateful of the strides we have made in medical science and I'm happy to take advantage of what is available.

I don't feel cheated at all, if I had chose to have en epidural I still would not have felt cheated. So don't feel sad and don't assume that other moms didn't do enough research or that their doctors control everything. Give your friends some credit.

Why do you feel that your way is the only right way and you have to "educate" others how to it right? Leave it alone. Your way may be the right way for you and you alone. Your smug attitude would be a turn-off to anyone you would try to "educate." The most you can do is share your wonderful experience doing things a certain way and leave it at that. In the end, having a healthy child is the important thing. Too many women in this country get hung up on the "experience" of childbirth. All those millions of women in Third World countries who "experience" natural childbirth because they have no choice and suffer horribly or even die would gladly trade places with anyone in a hospital setting.

I am with you. I had a natural birth and I feel sad for women that don't even attempt to have such a great experience.
On the other hand I truly believe that every woman has the good right to do whatever she wants with her body and if she feels she wants to give the steering wheel to some OB/GYN then so be it. There are a lot of people (men and women) who are afraid of the personal responsibility that comes with being an educated and self-determined patient. This does not only affect birth, but also other aspects of healthcare (from preventative care to treatment of serious diseases, to end of life care).
It also touches other aspects of life, where people like to be told by "experts" what to buy and how to live.
You can't change how others choose to live their lives, I like to share my birth story whenever I am asked, but I also don't questions my friends or my sister's decision to choose a cesarean (when she was offered a VBAC).
Focus on your family and your life and hope that you can pass these experiences on to your children.
Good luck!

I had natural birth at the hospital too. I was too tired to catch anything but my breath. I am glad the Doc was there! I tell women when they ask but I do not volunteer that I took the "Commando Mom" way. I was enpowered and I felt like I was on top of the world afterward. If having every medical invention known to man during birth makes a woman happy then so be it. Not everyone is enthralled with the way the human body works. cb

Mostly, I talk up the safety of my choices over the risk of each intervention and when things go inevitably wrong I have a sort of "yup, that'll happen" kind of attitude. Never an "I told you so", but just a "yeah, that's why I was so against all unnecessary intervention and made sure I knew what was necessary and didn't let the OB tell me what was". Many times I can also have a "didn't your doctor warn you about that risk before proceeding?" conversation after a first birth before they make the decision again.

As for the episiotomy, I try to tell any woman before birth about them. The best way to illustrate it is to take a piece of paper or even better, a stretchy piece of fabric and tug it a little - it won't rip. Now cut a small slit from the edge toward the middle and tug it again - big tear. The same happens to the perineum. It can and will stretch and won't tear as badly if the doctor knows how to support it. But the chance of a severe tear goes WAY up when you are drugged so you can't feel where you need counter-pressure and even MORE risk is involved when you start the tear by cutting it.
There is just so much evidence that routine episiotomies save no women from tearing and cause many to tear worse than they would have otherwise.

Just noticed this old post. My suggestion for being forced to see that other people will parent differently than you is to relax. It is only the beginning. My kids are now 23 and 21 and you would not believe the stories I could tell you. I learned that nobody in my family wanted to hear about how other people did such and such instead of what I did. So I figured out, probably later than I should have, that my friends also got tired of me pointing out what other people did that was different than me.

Everyone is different. Everyone comes from different experiences and upbringings. If someone asks your advice, then you can give it. Otherwise, just remind yourself that this is not the first time that you will be shocked and it certainly won't be the last.

Being a good friend sometimes is keeping your mouth shut and not recommending books, etc. My kids and I have experienced some things naturally and somethings in what you would call "mainstream" and we seem to be okay mentally, physically and emotionally. I think it is healthier to just shrug your shoulders and not be so sad.

Holy cow! Really? You're sad for someone who was happy with how they did things? I had my baby in a hospital by choice. No drugs, by choice. I want to feel and control everything, most of my friends wanted epidurals. Most of my step sisters had natural home births. We all had our choices. One friend lost a baby with an epidural, which she probably could have saved if she could have pushed properly, and she is devastated dealing with that. Three of my step sisters lost babies during births at home that could have been saved in a hospital with doctors standing by, and they have to deal with that. A lot can go wrong with birth, infant mortality was much higher in the days when everyone went natural, you are very blessed and lucky, but should not judge others for their choices. If it upsets you not to have your friend feel the same way you do, you may not be equipped to be friends with all types of people.
I forgot to mention, 2 of my step sisters had to race to the hospital DURING labor when things went wrong at home-like wedged shoulders etc. One had a c-section which saved her baby's life.

You just have to accept that everyone has a choice in how they choose to birth their child. What you feel is right for you may not be what your friends feel is right for them. That is what makes this world so great, we have choices. Your choice is to do it naturally, their choice is to have epidurals, ultrasounds, etc.

I don't want to get on your case, but you say your are not being judgmental, but your are. Listen to they way you say it. You think that your way should be the only way and they are crazy for choosing something different. You say your way to have a baby is a "better birth". It may not be necessarily be that way. That is why we have a choice.

I had ultrasounds and am so greatful for the pictures I have of my son. He's 8 now and I am still amazed that I can look at him today and see the same face that I see in the ultrasound picture.

I had an epidural, I still felt my contractions and I still felt my son coming out of me.

I also had an episiotomy, and I'm thankful to this day that I did. My son's head was huge. It was bad enough getting over the incision and stitches of one very clean slice. I couldn't imagine having to get over having torn multiple ways.

And just so you know, I consider myself having had a natural childbirth. That child still came out of my vagina. I just chose to have pitocin, an epidural, and have the child in a hospital. I knew that my pain threshold was not high enough to have a child without an epidural. So be it. It didn't slow down my delivery. It did not make me miss something. If anything it gave me more to enjoy, because I was not so wound up with pain that that was all I can remember. It did not hurt my son or myself.

I so understand feeling sad and wanting others to have your experience. The thing is, though, that they won't have your experience. What you have enjoyed is just not for everybody; every woman does not have that same experience during pregnancy or at childbirth. It's such a personal decision, and you really should leave them to make it for themselves. If you want to share your experience and share information, do so and leave it at that. You should not push it any further. They have the information that they want and make the decisions that are right for them. Period. Although it is not intentional, I would be willign to bet that you most certainly do make them feel resentful and maybe inadequate for making different choices. I understand that there is a history of women/people not taking their health into their own hands, and you are rightly concerned that this could still be happening, but you are kinda crossing the line in your (borderline?) insistence. What if someone were to really emphasize to you that it is simply not necessary to feel every little bump during childbirth, especially if you've done it once? What if somebody insisted that she has forever to love that baby and only a short time to enjoy the euphoric drugs that bring her the best rest of her life? You would be offended if she told you that were stupid and wrong to do it differently. Believe it or not, this is how you make your friends feel.

Maybe, you're a little harsh about it. In your opinion a "better birth" is at home. Perhaps, you should suck it up and realize one way isn't the only "right" way to do things. Having a baby at home doesn't mean you experienced your birth more powerfully then others. I had to have a planned c-section (and by had, I mean HAD. My pregnancy was extremely high risk) and the birth of my son was very beautiful and powerful. That moment still altered my life in ways I can't fully explain. You know what, there are people who just don't feel safe with home births. And, rightfully so. I have known several woman who have done home births. A few had a very uncomplicated births, a few had to be rushed to the hospital, and one baby died. There are risks, that even you have to admit. Some woman aren't comfortable with those risks. Not everyone will think like you, it's life. Not everyone will agree with you, or even care about your opinion...that's life. Why do you HAVE to tell people what you think? Every woman wants and expects different things with birth. Who are you to think they made a "wrong" choice, or that a home birth is "better." Honestly...and I'm sorry, if this seems rude...you seem very closed minded. That doesn't help anyone. If, your friends and family aren't interested in learning about home births, leave them alone. You shouldn't force someone to listen to things, just because you want to be heard.

PS. I would say you wrap your heart around it, by just doing it! A child has entered the world and no matter how that happens, it is a joyous experience. Stop thinking about what she could have experienced and start thinking of what she IS experiencing. No doubt, she felt the amazing joy of her child entering this world and felt unending love for it. Let go of your personal sadness, and rejoice with her. She probably doesn't need you feeling sad for her. In fact, no one does. Just be happy for people.