About Sex

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I totally agree, I think (and I know many will disagree, but if they had sex more often they may agree with us) sex is such an important aspect of marriage. That is why so many marriages are really that good. They can put on that front that it's a good marriage, but behind closed doors I think they know they're marriage isn't that great.

Sex isn't everything, but it is very, very important. That is when two people come together as one, this is when everything else going on in their lives should disappear and they should only focus on them. I think if they would actually try this, some may actually see how great it is to have that intimacy with their SO.

No, I don't agree with you because I don't have the foggiest idea of what other women, and men for that matter, are dealing with in their marriage. And to be frank, I truly don't care.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you are judging people. People who do not judge simply say, 'Gee, I don't know why they're not having sex, and it's really is none of my business,' and move on. It is too hot today to aggravate yourself over questions on Mamapedia.

This really has you hot under the collar. Don't let the lives of others have such an impact on you.

EDIT: That's the post you're talking about?? She didn't say anything about being in a sexless marriage! I think she was referring to how certain magazines cram sex down our throats 24/7 and, in her opinion, lead male partners, not necessarily hers because she didn't say hers, to want sex constantly because certain magazines sell that notion. We must have been reading two different posts because I didn't get any of what you're saying from that post....at all.

Not sure if I agree with you.
My point is that if things are "working" then they're WORKING, right?
Whether it's every day, 3 x per week, once per month, if BOTH are OK with that--then your marriage is no better than theirs, right?
My position is that if there's an ISSUE between the spouses, then it's an issue in the marriage.

It's not the determining factor for a successful marriage--look at all of the people procreating and divorcing every 15 minutes. Maybe if people focused a bit more on the marriage part....just saying'!

I agree - and am in one of those marriages. It made me sad to read this however as I'd not like to be in the situation I am and know it without anyone having to tell me, or post on a board, that it's the sign of a bad marriage. I bet others feel the same way - we don't need others to tell us it's bad and we beat ourselves up enough over it.

What Bug says is worth repeating, "......However, my marriage would erode much faster for a lack of respect, love, honor, commitment, regard, fidelity, protection, etc...then a lack of sex."

Really, your post did come across as judgemental. My husband and I have a fantastic sex life, but I don't feel like I have the right to determine what is right or wrong in other people's sex lives. On this site we are able to interpret how we choose, but more often than not, our opinion doesn't match the reality of people's situations.

Why do you seem so testy in your SWH? You wanted to post your opinion and everyone has that right. Don't get mad because people have a differing opinion or see a side to a situation that you haven't considered.

Let's all respect each other!

Why do you need people to agree with your opinion?
That's what's making your "question" come off as bashing/judging.
The amount of sex couples do and don't have does not determine how "good" their marriages are. It doesn't make one relationship better than any other.

Maybe I've missed some things because I haven't seen a lot of posts from members here saying they have sexless marriages. I could be wrong so feel free to post the links.
Anyway, just bear in mind that everyone is different. What others choose to do or not do or whatever issues they have really is no one's business but theirs. If they've chosen to post for advice about a situation, they don't need anyone kicking them when they are already down.

If you're happy and confident in the way your marriage/sex life is going then that's all that matters.

ETA: You are defining "bad marriage" based on what YOU desire. You are way out of line for saying that others that are going through a rough patch or that may have chosen to forego sex have "bad" marriages. That's such a blanket statement that lacks maturity. I'm hoping that as you live you will learn to have a more open mind about such things, especially when it comes to others.

ETA after the link: Yeah, just like someone else pointed out, that poster was not talking about her personal life nor anyone elses really. Her gripe was with the types of articles some magazines print. She didn't say she's in a sexless marriage. She said the article made it seem as though women should want sex all the time 'causing some men to erroneously believe that their women are holding out on them. I think you should re-read that post.

Also, before you get to it, there was another post here where someone spoke of a sexless/low sex marriage, but it was not her own marriage. It was some of her friends. So, I'm still waiting for the links to the posts you've read HERE that indicate a "lot" of Mamapedia members are touting sexless marriage as "normal".

Yes, I agree with you. And I actually agree with your statement that if they are not having sex, its a bad marriage...assuming at least one of them IS wanting to have sex. If one of the spouses is having an issue with something in the marriage and isn't happy, well, then that's a problem. I think the women who say, well, we agree that we don't need sex and we are in a happy marriage...I call B.S.!!! If your husband isn't having sex with you, then he's either masturbating alot or having sex with someone else. I think its as simple as that. And regardless, I think thats sad. I understand women being tired, and working and kids and housework...blah blah blah. But I also know a Quickie can take less than 10 minutes! LOL! I'm not a fan of the 3 hour love making session and if hubby was wanting that every day, well then I would consider us in a "bad marriage". You need to compromise and be willing to work together thru all issues that are in a marriage. I think just giving up on something as big as a sexual relationship with your spouse is so sad.

Yes, I'm with you 100%. I always kind of feel sorry for the men in the relationships with women who not only are vocal about never wanting to have sex with them, but who are also POSITIVE that those of us who say we do have sex regularly MUST be lying.

Actually, I take offense to that. Yep, the more I think about it, the more it bugs me.

I feel like having a close relationship with my husband, especially considering some of the issues we've had in our marriage over the years, is absolutely vital. Do we HAVE to have sex the "average" of 2.5 times per week? Of course not. But we do, in fact, have sex pretty much daily and oftentimes, more than once a day. *Gasp*

Yes, ladies, it's possible to have children, who have extra-curricular activities, no less, work full-time, have a spouse who also works full-time, have a (relatively) clean home, a fairly large garden to tend to daily, cook homemade from-scratch dinners 5 or 6 nights a week, have a couple of pets, watch a handful of tv shows, AND STILL HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND!!!

Seriously, I'm not superwoman, I'm really not. I'm totally average (in my mind) in every single way. I make the choice to put my relationship with my husband ahead of everything else in my life. It's what everything hinges on, anyway, right? It's what precipitated the kids, the house, the pets, where we live, the mortgage....before all of that it was just me & him, so I choose to ensure that he & I are happy together & that physical & emotional connection, at least for us, is an enormously important aspect.

a bad marriage you say....i have probably one of the best marriages that i know of. my husband and i are very attracted to one another but have no desire for sex. in fact i can't remember the last time we even had sex. but our marriage is healthy. we don't fight, we don't argue. our marriage works for us. just because it wouldn't work for you doesn't mean it's not a healthy marriage!!!! there are other things that are just as important in a marriage to make it healthy and work!!!

lol! ya, honey. i understand why u have gotten some flack on here.

to take one factor of a marriage that u know nothing esle about and use that as justification for the statement "That is a bad marriage in my opinion" is pretty silly, and frankly a bit offencive.

I agree with you.

Sad but the first thing that comes to my mind is are you BOTH really happy in your marriage with out sex? If both aren't happy then the marriage isn't as strong as you think. Then they are going to be the first ones to wonder why their spouse strayed from the marriage.

Maybe I'm judging.. but I have seen it happen enough times to know that's what happens ( not always, but does happen). To each your own as long as both spouses feel the same way, otherwise its selfish and not thinking of your spouse needs also.

Honestly for me.. if my spouse wasn't having sex with me for months on end, it would put a wedge between us. Because I need that intimacy, I would look for it other places for it. Not right away but if months went by.. pretty sure I would have by the time a year rolled around. Now if there was a medical problem as to why then no. I'm not that selfish. But if it was because they didn't "want to" then I can honestly say it would cross my mind.

My husband could tell me all the time he loves me and how beautiful I am.. buy me little gifts, do things for me etc but if he wasn't willing to prove it to me by being with me then the other stuff wouldn't mean as much. Being intimate proves everything he says and does.

I agree with you. The best advice my mother ever gave me before I was married was this, "If you are not in the mood, get in the mood." My husband is the proud and happy recipient of that bit of wisdom.

I understand your question as not bashing anyone not having sex but just wondering if anyone else out there shares your philosophy and I do.

Yes there is more to marriage than sex but sex is important too. It is easy to discount it's relevance and importance. I always feel better after hubby and I have connected. It is truly a blessing from God.

Thanks for the saucy question. I loved answering it.

Absolutely. Sometimes I think about people I read about on here not having sex but a couple of times per month and I think that is sad. Sex is what keeps me REALLY connected to my hubby and makes me feel that I am special to him. It just keeps us connected. I can't imagine not having/feeling that connection!

I agree with you. But my kids are older now, in middle and high school, and it is really not that much of an issue now, being tired, etc. So we are "normal" now if I can say it that way. But when my kids were little like yours, I did feel the same way the other moms do that you describe. And I do understand it. But you have to make sure and have date nights and get away from the kids on a regular basis, your marriage could depend on it.

I agree, L.. Truthfully, when a woman is younger and raising kids, it's not a big priority. But when you get older, you see that sex is actually a gift - especially when everything's clicking and it's good, and how it brings you and your husband together.

There will come a time when poor health takes away the ability for men to perform (not every man can take viagra) and all of a sudden, women who take sex for granted might realize that they've squandered it with their husbands. I hope that this is something that younger women will think about before that time comes.

Dawn

I 100% agree with you. I can not imagine not having sex with my husband and I really can't understand why someone would want to be married and not have it.

You can't judge until you're in someone else's shoes. 2 years ago, I thought exactly like you. I had 3 young kids and still wanted sex a lot. I didn't understand these marriages where the wife was constantly finding excuses. Then came kid number 4. Kid number 4 did a job on my sex drive. There have got to be some hormonal issues because it's just not there. Doctors haven't tested me for anything because "youngest is still a baby, hormones are still regulating from breast feeding, etc" I'm still insanely in love with my husband and am highly attracted to him, but I still force myself into it a few times a week. I do feel it's important in a marriage which is why I do force myself, but talk about an unwanted chore. I dont' want to think like that or for it to be that way, but it is. My 27 year old self would have thought my 29 year old self is crazy because you really just can't understand it until you are living it.

i agree with you it is important because its what makes u different then a brother or sister living together. But there doesn't have to be a lot of it thats not important. i really think men need to keep that connection with their wives or they may start to stray with so many temptations out there. i just can't stand how sexually depraved and therefore deprived our society is teaching young girls that is their main asset when they are worth so much more than that. Bottom line sex has lost its value because its become cheapened and thereby making it cheap to our relationship. A husband and wife need to value each other.

L., I do agree with what I think you're trying to say. Some posters may be reading further into this than you intended (IMO).
I do think that sex is a very essential part of a relationship - even if you're tired. It's a way to reconnect and make time only for each other. I also think its the difference between "friends/roommates" and being a couple. You can be the best of friends, have a great family, but you also need that connection that is only shared with that person - the ONE thing that is only for them.
I remember reading something that people with a healthy sex life are happier and live longer - hoping that's true ;-)

It is important while you are young, it's part of the glue that holds a marriage together, it's also healthy exercise and a mood lifter.
When one partner is unhappy with whatever the sexual arrangement is it's no different than one partner being irritated that the other has a drinking problem, it has to be fixed or the marriage will find itself in big trouble.

I agree 100%. But I'm sure other women out there are probably having hormonal issues that prevent them from feeling any desire to have sex.

My mom was so honest with me when I got married. Men are truly sex driven creatures, something women I've met haven't grasped. She told me that if I wasn't going to provide it, he'd find someone who would. She kept
My dad happy until he died. Other women she knew over the years were tortured by cheating spouses, finding out about other families down the road. As much as it is awful to admit, this is how their brains are wired. My husband owned a bar, I learned this truth the hard way and trust me, the people he had a patrons there gave me the opportunity to see it ALL. Including cheating wives.

A lot of it has to do with age. You will understand when you get older. I do believe there is a big difference between either spouse wanting to get intimate while the other spouse holds out, and both partners just not interested and still content with each other. One spouse holding out is sad, but the other spouse needs to figure out how to start the flame. Marriage is about two people, who love each other so much that they are willing to help each other through the rough spots. When both partners aren't interested, it really depends on the situation. In a troubled marriage, there isn't much love shown at all...no helping each other, no glances, no hand holding, no walking side by side, postures are different, etc. In a healthy marriage, it's usually because the couple is aging...They still give each other that "glance of love," walk side by side, smile, hold hands, help each other out, take care of each other, etc. My husband and I are getting old, so sex isn't important to us. We are both going through "the change of life" and it seems to be taking forever! We don't wait a year though. (lol)