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I have tried so hard not to be a nag about this but just can't shake the irritation any longer! Help me to understand him please.
Let me set things up for you. Husband works out of town 3-5 days a week. A career that is fantastic and we will never consider a change.
He has a sport/hobby that he got into about 4 years into our marriage. So it' been almost 4 years that he has been doing it. In the last year he turned it into a goal to become a professional competitive player, and wants to be winning major tournaments by next summer. Two years ago he came up with a training device and some other related products. All of which I was heavily involved in developing/building the business/marketing. One requires sewing to produce (me). Another graphic work (me again). And the online presence/marketing/image, well that's me again. He does help when he can with the tail end of production, packaging, and post office runs, but with him being gone for his day job half the week and then busy practicing and playing in tournaments to improve his skills and competitive affluence, he's hardly ever here. His sport is growing, but not hugely known, so the products we've created, though great products, are not exactly bill payers. Plus, I have another business that takes 40+ hours a week - and that one actually brings in good money. So between his schedule, the businesses, the kids events, keeping up with the house (ha ha) and my health, etc...I am one busy, pulled in five directions at once, mom. I've come to terms with all of that really. I have always encouraged his participation in the sport/hobby. I love that he loves it so much. That he has that release, passion, etc.
However, with him taking it from a hobby to a competitive sport, things have taken a new direction. It is all he thinks about, well that and the other thing all men ever think about. And if he isn't, he's annoyed that something else is taking precedent over it. He says he wants to be here to spend time with us, but I see very little effort on his part to do so. And when we do have something that he is actually home for, such as kids soccer games, his irritation about being there instead of playing his sport, makes him a very short fused parent coach. If our sons aren't being agressive enough, attacking the ball, or competitive enough with their games, he really comes down on them hard, making every ending of a game a less than happy experience.
So with his schedules and irritability, every aspect of our family's lives/schedule - is all up to me. All the scheduling, planning, executing. If I don't plan or organize it, it won't happen. And if nothing is scheduled, he will take advantage of that and leave to go play....which makes me the lone parent almost every day and night. (He has no clue how to do the kids homework with them, and very quickly gets irritated when attempting to help them with it.) So something as simple as me wanting to play a board game with the kids becomes a fight. Why? Because HE doesn't want to. Instead, he's on the computer playing an online card game. While I am left with the kids to watch a kid movie...again.
Two weekends ago we had plans to go to a kid halloween carnival in the evening, which we had planned for over a week. His tournament that day went overtime. He calls to say he will be 30 minutes late. I did overreact - very poorly. I apologized and comprimised and he made it to the carnival 30 mins late as agreed. But had the absolute worst attitude about it the whole time. Then tells me that he won and wasn't able to attend the awards ceremony BECAUSE OF ME. That I ruined it for him.
I did feel bad, it was his first major win. I would have loved to be there to see him get his award. But we had other plans. I can't cancel the things the kids are looking forward to every time his schedule changes. WE HAVE LIVES TOO! He left for a 3 day business trip the next day and didn't call once. When he walked in the door after the trip, didn't even acknowledge me. Never accepted my apology for overreacting about the 30 mins, and still says it's my fault that he didn't get celebrate his win. That I guilt him all the time. (But you see, here's the thing. If he had stayed and gone to the awards ceremony, he would have completely missed the kids event. Then he would have hung out with the other players to celebrate for a few hours, as men do. And probably would not have been home till midnight or later.) Yes, he would have been happy. But what about us? How much of his children's / family's lives is he going to miss out on while he pursues his dream? The major competitors in his sport travel 6-8 months of the year, following tournaments around the country/world. How is that going to work? We're lucky, he works for an airline. He can fly to those locations for free, and we can go sometimes to support him. But then, between his career and competitions, where are WE?
And let's talk finances. The winnings are not substantial enough to justify it as a career. There is only one top player who does not have a day job. So we're not talking major sponsors and contract pay. His name will be on winning records, but 15 years down the road...nothing really to show for it, except his ego and memories. PLUS, him getting a certain number of hours at work per month is essential. We cannot do on less. His competitions are already invading his ability to get the minimum hours needed. When he starts competing more, he will not be able to get enough work in to pay the bills. So, it'll be left up to me to do even more.
I am left to parent and work as a single mom. They will hardly know their father. If they don't take up his sport (which is not likely to happen since at his level of competition, kids are just a nuisance to have around) , he will be disappointed and likely not very supportive of theirs.
He says that I should take up a hobby so that I am more balanced and can release stress. Tell me, how am I supposed to do that? His work schedule is ever changing, never the same week to week. So we are slaves to it. He refuses to write down his sport schedule on the family calendar. Because if he does he knows he'll have to stick to it and won't be able to just leave whenever he wants. So if I do take something up? He says he will be home when I need to be gone. But it's a total and complete lie. We cannot afford to hire a babysitter for that. Plus, it's not fair to the kids that a babysitter would be replacing their other parent at those times. At least now they have ONE around.
I don't know what to do anymore. We had the board game incident last night. This morning he left early to go play - didn't bother telling me. The kids were up, but he didn't make them breakfast. Left that for me as usual. I have no idea where, how long he will be gone, whether he is competing today or just practicing. He doesn't answer his phone during play cause it has to be quiet.
I don't want to nag him. I don't want to guilt him.
I want him to do well. I want him to enjoy it.
But at what expense? How much do we have to sacrifice and put up with? And should we?
It's been a while since I posted, but I wanted to update you for those who are interested. Husband and I have had a hard time with this for a while now. Luckly, I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law. I vented my frustrations to her...and wonderful woman that she is...found a way to get into the conversation with her son. He came home from a work trip, and did everything. Not just his dishes, but all the housework, for three days straight. And he has continued to contribute as much as he can when home. Does he still play his sport? Absolutely, and is continuing his training to become professional. But I am no longer irritated by it because he is now focusing on us too. Are there times when I still feel that he is in a tunnel and we are on the outside looking in? Yes. But instead of having disdain for his activities, I have acceptance and patience because I feel we are more fulfilled. At my prompting, he has set a basic schedule of when he will practice, and when he will be hom. So NOW he deserves to have his hobby. I guess you could say that he's grown up a little - and I am so thankful!
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He's obviously addicted and you are his enabler. If you don't want to rock his whole boat, you need to start enabling with "conditions". If he doesn't meet those conditions you will pull out on some of the things you are now doing for him to continue this game. That should help him change his priorities a bit. Lay it out. Reading your post made me want to take a nap, I don't know how you are doing all of those things! You will burn out eventually.... sounds like that is sort of happening right now. Smart of you to catch it now before you get too resentful.
For the record, you are a fantastic writer.
You sound capable in all areas- no wonder he doesn't think about how things are managed... he doesn't have to. Sounds like he as a very large void: I'm so sorry about that. That your children may not know their father is up to him. But your children are also watching how you handle everything: admirable, but what an unbearable expectation.
Though I laugh at the revenge ideas, I wonder what this will do to your marriage. I second and third counseling, for you. Its the dance of intimacy and power, over functioning and under functioning. Sounds like you're dancing as fast as you can!
Jen
I could come up with a few semi-revenge plans you could carry out to try to wake your husband up. But I won't. You have children, and you need to show them how a truly grownup woman handles difficulties.
I am told over and over that men, more then women, find their identities in their work - the things they DO rather then the things they ARE. This may well be what your husband is doing; he seems to have forgotten his identity as a husband and father. (Why am I thinking vaguely about Mr. Tiger Woods?)
I believe this is the time to seek professional counseling. You need to learn where the line is which differentiates supporting from enabling. That line can be doggoned hard to find! So get a professional to help you do it. You might talk to your husband about your going together, but if he won't (or hasn't the time), go yourself.
A counselor could also determine if there's anything else going on with your husband besides his obsession with his sport.
Sit down with your husband and talk. You said money is tight but it seems like you have to put your business on hold while the kids are still young and live off his income. You have a full time job with the kids and husband. He needs to come home to a happy household. You are too stressed doing it all. 2 parents are not needed at a kids carnival, it would be nice but not necessary. I had an absentee husband for many years but when the kids got older he started taking an interest. My husband did eventually drop his "hobby" for a # of years. I did get the kids involved in the sports that were "hobbys" to him and one child did excel in one and surpassed my husband's expectations. That child was even recruited to college in it. This semester my husband actually helped my youngest (in high school) with homework for the very first time. Even though his "hobbies" are back in full force now I can manage better because I devote all energies to me and the family (and my husband's interests). Yes, my (career) life was on hold but I feel it was worth it. And, as for board games...he will only play them if begged and he is not begged unless it is a major holiday.
I know this is not what you want to hear and it sounds anti-feminist but you will be a more relaxed mom and wife and less stressed. Let him worry about the bill paying and he will start working more hours and eventually need to curb his "hobby". He needs to think it is his decision though, otherwise he'll think you are a nag and stay away more. Smiling and greeting him happily show him that you support him and trust that he will do the right thing.
Also, a google calendar is easy to set up. You can have the family,your, your husband, and each of your kids set up on one calendar that you all share. Either of you can make changes to it as often as you like and that way you both will know when and where you are. Beats discussing everything and reminding each other of upcoming events. It gives a choice and helps you decide what a priority is.
Our family also relies on texting vs calling. It is less disruptive.
I like Michelle's idea -leave early one morning leave him a very nice note saying I've taken your suggestion and have a new hobby to put more balance in my life. this is the kids's schedule for the day-(if they have one) and could you please finish the laundry I started and empty the dishwasher? thanks so much I think you are right and this day to pursue my own interests will really relieve my stress. Of course that is a last resort!
ONLY IF you can't sit him down when it is calm and quiet with the calendar and a pencil in your hand and make up a schedule. Try to not be accusing, complaining, nagging or guilting. Remind him of his fantastic idea that you get m ore time to yourself to de-stress and become a better wife and mother -you want to take his advise but need to put it on the calendar so he'll be prepared to babysit and wont have to change his schedule at the last minute(so kind of you to want to help him in this way and be a better wife to him. Remind him that the kids will grow up and move out before you know it and he will never be able to get this time back with them and how can he better enjoy this stage of their lives. this conversation is less about your needs(which he cant really understand -never having been you) it's about making your family stronger and happier.
Maybe some morning you can leave early to "go do your new hobby" without telling him, and see how he handles it.
He sounds very selfish and not much into the husband, father, family life idea. Your life should be a 50/50 split, for the most part. Do you still love him?
You know, Linda makes a good point. I mean, clearly something's gotta give in your family. The status quo isn't going to hold up much longer...and even if it did, I'm afraid the cost would be too great.
Forgive me for being the b*tch around here that suggests this, but I can't think of a better option right now than your husband giving up his sport. Stay with me here, Martina, because I know you REALLY don't want to ask this of him. But let me tell you a secret, when you lay it all out for him and tell him that unless you quit your job (and lose that significant income) he's going to have to quit his hobby, you'll find a man that is MUCH more willing to make things work around the house and with the kids.
My husband has a smoking hobby. Pipes and the occasional cigar. I've been fine with that for many years, but last year it was starting to get out of control. He'd sit on the back porch every evening and smoke while watching movies on his laptop for several hour stretches. All while our kids were inside playing and being cute and I was left without my best friend to share my time with. It wouldn't have been so bad, except for every time I tried to (politely) bring up the idea that maybe he could cut back a little, he would absolutely FREAK out on me and it would turn into a huge fight.
Well, this went on for some time until it got to the point where I simply lost all patience and told him that I would no longer tolerate any smoking in my home. Ever. He scoffed, of course, thinking that I can't control him...but I made it very clear that I would seek out and destroy every last bit of tobacco he ever brought into the house. I punctuated my point nicely by dumping out a large portion of his pipe tobacco onto the floor. He realized then that I was extremely serious and was able and willing to make it impossible for him to smoke at the house anymore.
Was dumping out his special, "aged" tobacco an ugly thing for me to do? Sure. Am I proud of it? Not really. But was it effective? I'll tell you that from that moment on, he was suddenly the most rational guy on the planet when it came to smoking. For a very long while, he didn't smoke at the house...instead scheduling a once a week get together with his friend to smoke a single cigar (at his friend's house), which I was fine with. And you know what? The extra time he started spending IN the house helped him realize what he was missing. Over the months, we've compromised on things and now he mainly smokes his pipe while walking the dog at night (which, frankly, I'm glad to have done) after the kids are in bed. He doesn't do it every night, though, and the most crucial thing is that he's always willing to talk and compromise now if I ever express concern that he's getting back to where he was.
So all that to say, sometimes ultimatums are good at breaking that ice and getting men to see reason. You don't have to forbid him from playing his sport, but he needs to see that you're WILLING to if it comes to it. And in case he doesn't think you capable of "making" him quit the sport, think of a few things in advance you could do (or stop doing) that would force his hand. I'm just saying to go into this conversation prepared.
And of course, counseling would be great....if you can find the time and IF you can get him to agree to it.
All I want to say is that I wish some how I could be absent for a while so for he can see what a difference it makes in having me around to do the shopping, cleaning, cooking,waking the kids up for school, getting kids off to school picking them up, going to their activities,showers,nite time routines,talking to them,playing,doing the run around to get things done.He is a big help don't get me wrong but at times he makes me feel as if I don't do enough I have 0 time to do what I want have gained weight because I can't do what I need to do but yet there is still time for his hobbies,work spending time with the kids.Like today he took them out to the trails to go on a walking trip did I go NO have had no time to shower or eat been up with the kids feeding them cleaning up after them.So he is of course mad becasue I didn't go (again) it never ends I have an absent marriage we don't do anythign together unless it is out to eat once a month we never go shopping,school functions I made him go to the carnival other than that he is at work or home with his hobby yes his hobby is updating our home making ti a better place for us but come on here aren't we suppose to be together as a family sometime,i'm so use to being without him..
Men see things so differenly than we do..Good Luck maybe he;ll be able to set his hobby sport aside for awhile
Wow, things have gotten out of control. There is such an imbalance in your life right now. The business creating devices and products for the sport has got to go. How much time is it taking away from your family, and doesn't make any money???
Your husband has become obsessed with this sport, a sport that won't make a living, so it definitely needs to become a hobby again if your family is going to stay intact. He sounds addicted. He has put it above everything, and his priorities are out of alignment. You can't change him, though, so only you can decide how long you can last like this. I really don't think you can sustain the situation you described long term. It's not working for anyone else in the family and he'll lose everything but the sport if he doesn't make some changes. I would be miserable in your situation, and it sounds like you are. My husband loves his guy time or alone time, and I wish he spent more time with us after he's been gone at work all day, so I don't know how you handle this. Good luck. Maybe a third-party counselor can help convince him. I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I think you should share what you wrote here with him. If you think he'll be mad you talked about him here to us, just tell him you're really struggling and wrote some thoughts down that you want him to read. Try to be vulnerable and not attacking.
Nobody can answer these questions for you, how much are you willing to sacrifice for this person, though an important one. Tell him about balance, tell him that you are pulling more weight than he is for your family and even for his own personal interests. Ok being selfless, but you are crossing the line here...infact you are suffering deeply because of that. Try imagining you being gone from his life: his castle would fall apart in a nano-second and he'd lose much more than his patience. Balance is the key to your life, and though it seems you have one, it's reallly not there, because there's one spouse holding more weight than the other one. I say try to disassemble and re-assemble the monster machine you (together) have created, and be more assertive of your needs: VERY often a mom's needs are the family's needs. It could be that the further he gets into his sport, the less he realizes what it takes on your part to keep his private life happy and together. Show him. I bet if you leave for a week or so ALL will fall apart. Not a pretty picture. He needs a wake up call and you all need change. Hard, but doable, and hopefully he will not keep you accountable for it: he himself needs to come to the conclusion that the architecture needs to change. Good luck.
