Adding More Overninght Stay's at Dad's House?

Why on earth would you, if the courts don't force you to?

i wouldn't allow it... we had less time than that with my mom when i was growing up! (reversed situation... my dad had custody with my mom having visitation...) we were there every other weekend, then 6 weeks in the summer. you need to do whats best for your son, not give in to selfish demands of the father. If dad shapes up and can do his share (like catching up child support...) then maybe consider redoing custody, but not until he can prove himself!

Unfortunately, this is what happens when there is a divorce. The dad has equally every right to his kid as you, the mother does. Would you like this schedule if you were him?

As far as his tough it out deal with it attitude, you have to realize that everyone has different parenting styles and this IS how men raise children(or use to anyways). This is why a two parent home is best, so a womans softer side can balance out a mans tougher side. Boys need to be taught how to be strong and tough, and shouldn't be babied by their mothers.

I don't think your ex needs to be buyng a new piece of furniture every time his son is uncomfortable with it. Here, I do agree with his attitude. I would tell my son, "well, this is what I have, so you need to sleep in it. Sorry you don't like it, but I'm not buying another bed". I guess I have the same parenting style as your ex.

I really do believe many mothers are doing a dis service to their sons by babying them. More boys need to be taught to tough it out. Now, with that said, I do believe that, you can be too tough and parents should'nt be extremely tough with every single situation, BUT I also think that mothers need to toughen up a bit too. Especially when the kids are growing up in a split up home. Just my opinion!

I don't think I would allow it. If he files the court docs to request the time, you may have a hard time proving he is unworthy of getting the extra time unless you have been documenting EVERYTHING. My ex gets our kids every other weekend, Friday at 3pm until Sunday at 6pm and thats it. They don't want to see him more and he doesn't ask to see them more. I guess I'm lucky. You need to do everything to keep your son happy. Good luck.

I have been through this nonsense. Follow the court ordered visitation. I would not volunteer to add more especially if your son does not want it.

A lot of men play this game asking for more time. Most of them do it to try and reduce their child support amounts.

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I wouldn't have even let him spend any nights! I definitely would not add any more nights. Listen to your son.

I'm a mom and a stepmom, so I see situations like this from both sides. In this case, if your ex really is how you say, I would definitely leave things as they are. Definitely follow your maternal instincts :)

Just me, and I have never been in your situation, but if you don't think it is good for your boy, you have trust issues, and you have a court order stating what custody is, why are you considering changing?

Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like dad is bullying you. Don't give in if you don't think it is best for your child. YOu don't have any reason to feel like you have to.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to revisit this issue at age ten. UNtil then, he can take you to court if he wants more visitation. Until then, I think the poster who said to have a child psychologist document the fears, etc. is a really good way to stay prepared.

Good luck.

Well, all but one person seems to be on the same page and I'm right on that page.

This isn't about "babying" your son. He's SIX. There's plenty of time for him to "toughen up" when he's a little older. The child is in what? Kindergarten? First grade at most? They're still little children with BIG fears and as parents (that INCLUDES good fathers!) it's our job to make our children feel safe and secure. If that security isn't there then it eats away at a child's self-confidence, which is or will manifest itself in many other areas.

If the father was a good dad this would be a different situation. It's not. I haven't been through this myself (yet) but my sis-in-law has and although her ex wasn't abusive to their son going through the divorce, he still got joint custody. Her ex used the custody arrangement to bait and instigate my sis-in-law. It was leverage and he didn't care if he was hurting his son in the process. The end result is, unfortunately, with my sis-in-law overcompensating too much for his father's nastiness and the divorce, her son is now MORE abusive to her than his father ever was to her. He learned this from his dad and, sadly, his mom never put her foot down and stopped it because of the guilt she had for the hardship he went through with the divorce. (My nephew was six at the time.)

The change in household status is enough to deal with. Having a father who can't understand how beneficial compassion and the guidance a loving hand are in comparison to "sucking it up and dealing with it" is someone that this child needs to be sheltered from. I'm sorry but Kelly is dead wrong. Boys don't need to learn that lesson from dads. It comes with life automatically. All of us, men AND women have dealt with it in our lives. Those who had a positive and nurturing support system came out a lot more confident and with fewer scars than those who had inconsiderate, uncompassionate dads telling them to deal with it and not be a baby. To believe otherwise is ignorance.

I think you should absolutely stick with the court order for now but document EVERYTHING. Keep a journal. Record conversations if it's legal in your state. Have your son see a therapist, as someone suggested. It'll help him even if it doesn't help you in court. This is about your son and what's best for him. You do need to protect him from potentially being abused or used to get revenge on you by his dad. Once your son gets more used to the arrangement now, then you can consider changing things if he wants. Remember, your son needs security. He needs to feel safe and comfortable in his environments in order to thrive. Don't push where you don't have to considering the circumstance. Your abusive ex will rant and have a fit but do what's best for your son.

Perhaps you could eliminate the Wed time and add 1 weekend time on the odd number weeks. I agree that the mid week time is likely to be affecting him in school and probably at both homes too.

I suggest that you enlist the help of an experienced 3rd person to find a compromise on parenting time. I suggest exchanging the mid week visit to a week end one but not adding another time.

My grandson is with his Dad every weekend. During the school year he picks him up after school on Friday and returns him home to his mother on Saturday so that both parents have one week end day. During the summer he picks him up on Thursday and returns him on Saturday so that he does have more time with him. His father can have him during the week but because he doesn't want to take him to school the next morning he is willing to forgo some time. Making this agreement was a matter of knowing what was important to his father. His father focuses on convenience instead of time.

Since you don't want face to face time with his father, I suggest that you enlist a 3rd party to talk with him and find a way to arrange time that is beneficial for your son and both parents. I think that the courts have mediators available. I would call and see if you could hire one without being involved with the courts and if not ask for the names/numbers of such people in the community. I think a child therapist would also be able to do this. Or if you know someone that you trust that is able to talk with the father you could try that.

If you don't want to change time, then don't. Your ex is not the important person in this situation. Your son is. Do what you think is best for him. It's unlikely that your ex would go to court (it's expensive) but if he did, you; can ask for an evaluation of the effect the current plan and any future plan would have on your son.

If you want to get rid of the Wed visit then consider a compromise about the week end.

my husband is an AMAZING father and he only gets every other weekend with his daugther (but in the summers its every other full week) so i'm amazed that the courts gave someone with "abusive behavior" as much visitation as he has. I do understand him wanting to have your son with him more -- we miss my step-daughter horribly when she's at her mom's house for 2 weeks at a time.

Divorce is difficult on everyone, but the kids most of all... and i feel that in most cases its more important for the child to get to see each parent as much as possible... children need their father just as much as they need their mother.That being said, i also feel a child should be comfortable (find it kind of strange that a new bed would be a fix for discomfort? but every situation and child is different i guess)... comfort should come more from the love and attention your son gets there, rather than the furniture.

My husband's law guardian told us that most times that a child is uncomfortable with one parent's home, its because the other parent (if they realize it or not) is sending vibes that they are uncomfortable with the child being there... so maybe he's picking up on your worry. As long as your ex isn't abusive to him, its hard to say you should keep him from doing ANY overnights like some moms have said, he is the father (even though his parenting methods are different than yours -- we struggle with that too with my husband's ex, they parent VERY differently than us) but i wouldn't allow any during the week. I think every child thrives on consistency... and your ex has a great arrangement already!

First let me say the courts could care less if he is paying support or not he has a legal and moral right to be in his childs life and for the child to spend equal and quality time with him. That said and it is the opinion of the court what I stated, There is a reason the child does not want to go other then an uncomfortable bed, I would speak to his doctor and get them to refer to a counselor who can then properly documanet the childs fear and disintrest in the father. In a court of law you saying it against a man you have obvious discords with means nothing and will be percieved as you trying to get back at him for something. You need an outsider who is reputable in the courts eyes to back your concerns and make recommendations to the court on the childs behalf. I do agree that when the child comes home from a visit if he is scared to sleep alone or throws tantrums out of the ordinary things like this you need to document all of them and never be affraid to call the doctor for advice for a concerned mother. If he is not eating right call the doctor and tell them he just came home from a visit and is not wanting to eat, and you called your ex to see if he was acting sick while he was there and he said no and he is not running a fever should you do anything special they will record your concern in his chart which is a start if it shows a pattern, bed wetting, sudden fear of the dark hey you are a first time mom how are you to know what is normal for him so bother the doc with a phone call and tell them you did not want to run him in if it is something they think will just pass you were just concerned. GOOD LUCK

I agree with most of the moms who've already responded - though most of them are already assuming that you have a court ordered visitation schedule in place...

Do you?.. If not - get one - if you do - don't decrease or add to it. It's in place for the sole purpose of your child seeing his father - not for his father to see him.

Is there a child support order in affect as well through the courts? If not - get one of those as well - have the payments come directly out of his paycheck and forwarded to you by the state you live in.

here in Connecticut - child support and visitation are NOT one in the same - just because one parent doesn't pay child support doesn't mean that the same parent can't have visitation. Child support and visitation are for the well being of the CHILD .. NOT the adult(s) in their life.

My ex had OUR children every other weekend from Sat at noon till Sunday at 6pm - that was it - and he didn't request to have them at any other time either - he'd take vacations - and stay home - and the kids would never be with him during that time - and when they were younger and didn't want to go with him - I'd make the kids call him and tell him that they didn't want to go so that I was not to blame for their decision - now that they are older (16 and 18) they see him when THEY want to see him - and he's fine with that (of course he would be!)

Good luck to you and your son

I wouldn't add any nights. I'm surprised he gets the visitation he does with that history and how he treats his son. If he isn't even paying child support, do you HAVE to continue sending your son to see him? I stopped visiting my dad when I was about 12. He was abusive, nasty, didn't pay support, a fly by night dad, etc. He tried to be in my life again when I was 19 and I gave him another chance for us to have an adult relationship. We haven't talked in 2 years now because my dad never changed and has been an absent grandparent just like he was parent and his attitude never got better. My children and I are better for it unfortunately.

While your son shouldn't call the shots, this is big to him. If your ex was a good man I could see pushing him to keep a relationship but it doesn't sound like he is benefitting your son that much. How awful to treat a 6 year old...no crying, deal with it, I'd be afraid to let my son stay with him!!

If the visitation is court ordered, stick with it. If the father wants changes to be made, have him petition the court for a modification. If it's a private agreement between the two of you, again, let him go to the courts on his dime.

Think of your child and what's best for him.

Nanc