Your first step is an evaluation. Call a developmental pediatrician or combine a board certified child psychiatrist with a Neuropschologist and get a full psycoeducational evaluation that you own that will contain his diagnosis. Do not assume that it is ADHD, you do not know what it is, you simply know that he has significant issues and that you need professional assistance. You may be surprised what this is, and you will need many hours of testing to find out. Don't settle for a ratings scale and a ten minute visit to the pediatrican, get a full diagnosis of his soft symptoms and psychoeduational testing to back it up. A Developmenta Pediatrician will give you the fullest possible evaluation with all the necessary referals to every professional he needs and they will give you a full treatment plan so that you have no question about what standard care is for his condition.
Private schools are not required to test your son. Public schools are, and would still be responsible for evaluating him and offering him FAPE (which you are free to refuse.) You can contact your local school district and tell them that you suspect your son has a disablity, and they will do an evaluation. You may want to do this in additon to a private evalaution, but you should own the evlauaion that contains his diagnosis, and you should never know less than any public agency about your son's condition, or his needs.
What ever he has, you need to get a medical diagnosis, and if you only oppose medications for neurobiological conditions that effect the brain, then you are really selling your son out on care that will not only make him functional but will give him a very well tested and effective tool to begin his long road of therapy. You could be dening him the ability to turn on that switch. He gave you the most clear, concisce and well stated description of his medical problem that I have ever heard from a young person with a nuerolobiolgical issue that interferes with brain function, and you should listen to his cry for help.
Try this. Instead of "brain illness" (ADHD- or what ever illness or condition this may be) insert "kidney illness". I oppose medication for urinary tract issues because I think these are effected by behavior, and it breaks my heart when he pees on himself, but what can I do to help him without seeking medical care? Would you ever, ever say that? Or, I oppose medication when he vomits stomach acid, he said that he knows that he should be able to keep it down, but he can't figure out how not to vomit it, but what can I do to make him not feel so bad without resorting to medication?
We don't reject standard medical care for any other organ system so readily as we do for the brain, because there is such a stigma attached. There are real issues that go wrong with every biological organ system, and brains are biolgical. It is as simple as that.
Much like urine that travles along hairpin turns through the kidney's, when we have thoughts, they travel along the brain cells as electical impulses, but because brain cells do not touch, we use chemicals called neurotransmitters to cary the electrical impusles over the synapes (space.) When the receptors for the neurotransmitters are damaged, or if the brains ablity to produce nuerotransmitters is reduced, that person looses track of thoughts and has ADHD, and this effects every aspect of thier lives. That is what your son means, he can't swich the switch because there is no mental process for him to physically control the production and uptake of the chemicals in his brain. Do you do this on command? Do you think about your kindney function and make it work right? Can you think hard enough to keep stomach acid in your gut where it belongs? Neither can he.
The medications avalaible for ADHD work and are safe, well tested, and don't make kids zombies or change thier personalities and are no cop out. Having ADHD (or any other neurodevelomental problem) means that the life road kids have to travel is much harder than most people realize, and involves hard, hard, hard work from you, his therapists, his educators and himself. He will need a great amount of understanding and will need every single tool availble to him; medication is only a tool. It makes the hard road easier, but is not all he will need.
I hope you will do some reputable reading about brain disorders before you make a sweeping choice about one biological system. Dr. Russel Barkely, and Dr. Mel Lavine are good solid sorces full of many medical explanations and with many strategies that will help you both understand and accept your son and his challenges and help you get him all the help that he needs.
M.