My daughter hasn't always done well in school but her counselor told me this year that she thought she has ADHD. (She's failed a class.). We had her evaluated and she does have it and I got her into therapy and I am getting a book on the Feingold diet.
She feels bad about herself already and her dad won't stop piling on the stress about her grades. He thinks she is just being lazy. I can't get him to empathize at all. Even though he should understand what it's like to have parents that are never happy (even when he brought home all A's it was "why aren't they A+'s?).
Any ideas about how I can get him to be more understanding? I feel like even after talking to her therapist that he will not be convinced. He doesn't put much stock in therapy either :/
TIA
---ETA:
-My daughter has inattentive ADHD. She is 14.
-I forgot to add that while my husband didn't feel great about his parents tactics, he agrees with the end results because he is successful :/
-The therapist says they don't start right off with medication but do some therapy first and re-evaluate. I am not opposed to medication but in the meantime, we'll try the Feingold diet.
Is she on medication as well? Is it only a therapist or is an actual doctor involved? If not, I would get one involved and have a medical doctor explain things to him and to also explain how he acts effects her. That way it's all coming from the doctor and not just you.
You talk about a diagnosis and that you are going to use a diet (that honestly among those of us with ADD or ADHDers has very very mixed reviews...as in it doesn't really work that great for the majority of children.)
Now I swore I would never medicate my kids for something like ADHD until my son was diagnosed and had struggled for years hating school. His grade were okay and his behavior was fine but he just hated school with a passion.
He is on a low dose stimulant that is long acting for school and has a short term stimulant for use after school or weekends as needed. And he is new kid...he LOVES school, you can read his handwriting, he is making all As in a tough STEM middle school program and advancing through his martial arts classes in a controlled and focused manner.
He has a new love of life in general. We did not file an IEP or 504 plan for him because it is not a reason or an excuse for his behavior but now we know why he appeared "lazy" because he couldn't keep one thought in his head long enough to do what it was we told him to do....his brain would shout "squirrel" and he was distracted and off to do something else. Now he is focused and his chores get done.
So if you haven't considered at least trying medication...give it a low dose closely watched and monitored whirl and see of that can help her. You might have a new kid on your hands we certainly did!! good luck!!
Read this...
http://behaviorismandmentalhealth.com/2016/10/27/adhd-a-d...
And go to your tube and watch "The marketing of madness"
Your daughter may in fact be hyperactive and inattentive but I would not be so quick to tell her she has a psychiatric condion that needs psychotropic drugs that won't cure her but will cause her to need these drugs for life. (How great is this for the pharmaceutical companies that sell them?...another customer for life)
For what it is worth...I know my daughter could have been diagnosed with this in grade school. (She drove me a little crazy). I could check almost every box in the questionnaire re: her behavior etc. Today she is in the honors college at her university. She's a hard worker and motivated. I thank God I did not listen to her grade school teachers, her school counselor and even her family doctor and instead followed my gut. The more I learn about this diagnosis and the more educated I became re: pharmaceutical companies bottom line, the more skeptical I become.
(Re:therapy... make sure you have a great therapist... after my son died, my husband and I went to counseling on the advice of our son's pediatrician. After a few short weeks this therapist could have had my husband and me in divorce court... she put the focus of our marriage on the shortcomings vs all the good things we had going. Luckily, I realized that in the month that we saw her my marriage did not change (I thought I had a great marriage going into it). The only thing that changed was where we were putting the focus which was making me miserable. We stopped going to counseling and spent the money on having really great date nights.
My point is that I would be very concerned this therapist would talk about your daughter's shortcoming making her believe she really has something wrong with the way her brain works.
Best of luck!
People do use ADHD as an excuse, accepting that fact will actually help you. Pretty much anyone over the age of 10 has met someone who uses it as an excuse to fail, they also know another 5 that are very successful with the right therapy but they don't realize that.
I will tell you an odd interaction that I hope will help you understand. I have ADHD but really if I don't tell people they do not know. I am fairly successful, very organized and really you can count on me getting things done on time more than a normal person. I was talking to a coworker and it came up that I said I have ADHD. Next thing out of her mouth, you are using that as an excuse. Understand we weren't talking about some mistake or failure I made, just talking about life and such. I wanted to reply to her and excuse for what? Being more successful than you? Which I have been told will be rude.
My point is if an adult would say that to someone who is successful, multiple degrees, structured, all of that, to another adult, is it so odd that your husband is saying that when your daughter is failing?
She was just diagnosed how can it be an excuse, she didn't know why she was failing. Trust me, we are good at failing but knowing how we think, behavioral therapy, meds, we are also very good at doing things most others cannot.
To me the greatest revelation was that oh, I am smart, mom was right. I do try very hard, mom was wrong. This is what I need to overcome, yay plan.
Your daughter can be successful, it will be work. A couple years from now if she is still failing well then she isn't trying and it is an excuse but make sure she is getting the right support and therapy.
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I didn't see the bit about the Feingold diet, please don't do that to her. It doesn't work and she will think it is her fault, that she is doing something wrong and her self esteem will suffer. Sure there are some food additives or dyes that kids are allergic to that will make them lose their minds but generally speaking your diet doesn't effect your ADHD. We all eat very healthy. Most foods I serve my kids are made by me, still we all have ADHD and will always have it. I am 48 and I still take Adderall when I am at work so my coworkers aren't driven mad by my slightly quirky personality.
"I feel like even after talking to her therapist that he will not be convinced."
Try it anyway. Our son has Asperger's and ADHD and bringing my husband to the appointments (and to IEP Meetings) has been a huge help. First, because it gives my husband a chance to ask all the questions that he needs to ask in order to understand. There are some things I've learned over the years (as an educator - not always a K-12 educator, but still, I've learned a lot) that he hasn't. We come from different backgrounds and have different experiences. I sometimes take for granted the things I already know. He needs his chance to ask questions where he needs to. And the therapist and other professional are just that. They are professionals. They are supposed to be trained to answer questions - to bring things down to the level of those of us who do not possess post graduate degrees in psychology. I encourage you to give the therapist a chance to explain things to him.
My husband and I can't make it to every appointment because of our jobs. We don't usually have that problem with the school, as they will work with us and find a way to meet that works for both of us. But when it comes to the psychologist, sometimes we have to take the appointment we can get, otherwise it might be months before we get an appointment. But the best appointments are the ones we both make it to. Because we both have questions and we both have concern that need to be address and we both think of things that the other one forgot.
As much as possible, I encourage you both to attend every appointment you can. It will help you both have a better idea of what you can do to help your daughter.
Remember, this isn't like an annual check up at the doctor. You both need to be there as much a possible so that you both have a good handle on what is going on.
Well, maybe tell him to put up or shut up-- politely, of course.
Your husband needs to invest time in learning about ADHD. When our son was diagnosed, we went to a weekend workshop called "Paying attention to attention". This gave us tools to help.
Men can be demanding of their kids because they like results and want 'what's best' for their child. That said, he needs to back off. Sounds like he is the main problem and needs to learn some non-violent communication methods. He needs to learn how to readjust his expectations for now. She's not going to 'grow out of it'.. diet, sleep, and exercise only help so much. It's really about the brain, its development and function. That's hard science right there. Find a couple articles. ADDitude is a great online resource as well.
ETA: I share Julie S's idea that some people can use ADHD as an excuse. I think it's a bit different when the child is young and still developmentally delayed in the area of executive function, but yeah, living life with that label first and foremost can cause more harm than good. My son knows he has ADHD-inattentive type; and I still expect him to do his learning work each day. (we homeschool) I make modifications, not exceptions, for him. He knows that his brain is so fast it's hard for the other parts of his expression (esp verbal language/writing) to keep up. He also knows that some of his biggest heroes also have 'fast brains'. It is all in how you frame it. He doesn't ever use his ADHD as an excuse because I've never modeled that for him by making excuses for him. Instead, I look at what the effect is (that we are having a problem with in that moment) and what can we do to modify the situation ( like, we do school with the curtains closed, no extra noise, etc as it's distracting) and to create structure for him so that he has what he needs (lots of notice before transitions, an orderly way for him to move through the day) so that he feels in control of himself and understands the expectations of the day.
I'm not sure if you can get him to be more understanding (we can't really change people) but you could request he doesn't say anything negative. You can tell him she's doing her best, you're getting her help (does she also have a tutor?), and support is more helpful than negativity. If he can't be supportive (sad) then at least keep his feelings to himself, at least for time being.
If he can keep his thoughts to himself, and you fully support her and get her all the help she needs, then she'll do ok. It's the negative stress that's so unhelpful.
This post makes me so sad. I have a special needs son. One of his challenges is with ADHD as well. How old is your daughter? I have no doubt that since your husbands grades were never good enough, hers won't be either. These challenges can really divide a family. Please, in whatever form you choose, make sure he knows that the manner in which he is addressing this has to stop. Please look into getting her a 504 or whatever accommodations she needs to succeed. That stuff really plays a number on their self esteem as you know. Hang in there Mama, I wish for the best for you all!
I grew up with the talk like "You got a 98. What happened to the other two points?" It was hell! Please ask your husband to stop. What's his point? Does he think that will matter when she's 25 or 35 or 60? What were his grades? Did he enjoy being yelled at and made to feel like a failure? Has any employer asked for them yet?
There is no magical success story that comes from an A+ vs. an A, or an A- instead of a B+. Does he think she'll never get into a college if she got a B or a C or even an occasional F?
Take him to therapy and let the therapist deal with him. They've seen parents like him before. Assuming your daughter was properly and accurately evaluated, this is as real a condition as strep throat or a broken leg, except that it doesn't get better. It can be managed through a variety of therapies, but no one has ever managed better because her father shamed her.
Instead, it will drive a wedge between them.
That said, I don't think you should assume up front that your husband talking to the professionals will have no effect. Stay out of it and let them handle it. It's okay to tell them up front (by mail if you can) what your husband's prejudices and opinions are. They don't have to disclose that they have been so advised.
Have him talk to her doctor - maybe the doctor can explain it to him in a way that makes sense to him.
I'm glad you had her evaluated.
If her diagnosis was ADHD what meds did they put her on?
If she truly has ADHD then her brain has a glitch. Diet won't fix it.
Make sure to research 504 plan and IEP. Although I don't think she'd qualify for an IEP she does absolutely qualify for the 504 plan. It's a written plan that deals with how the teacher will address her ADHD and what she will do to make the lesson plan adaptable for your daughter. It should have what services the school will contribute such as pulling her out for reading or math or other subjects. The plan should also address putting her in guided study classes if she gets too far behind or keeping her after school to work one on one with the teacher on assignments she just can't complete in the time allotted in class.
I will also say that the teacher needs to be responsible for this. If she is unable to find a way to teach your child basic education where she can understand it then the school needs to offer another option.
Parents should not have to pay tutors and other people to teach their child. The teacher has a full classroom, I get that but they also have 4 years of education and years of experience in how to teach children that have different learning styles. Our granddaughter learns a bit differently and her teachers have been amazing, all except one. But that's workable because when our girl works after school she has a different teacher supervising that class and that teacher actually uses her education to find new ways to present the material.
Once she's on medication and he sees the night and day difference it makes, he will come around (Or is she just getting therapy and a diet change?). Since you can't see brain disorders, it's hard for him to understand they're real. Once you find the right medication, it's a "wow!" situation, especially with how much school improves.
I'd get a subscription to ADDitude magazine and join CHADD as you start down the ADHD path. Both will be helpful.
Have him talk to the child psychiatrist who made the diagnosis, as well as the therapist. Since the psychiatrist is a medical doctor, that's probably your best starting place, since he may have more respect for him/her given the medical background.
Does your husband have any interesting behaviors or quirks? For instance, does he check his alarm clock 15 times before going to sleep to ensure it's set? What's his walking gait like? Does it have a pattern? These are behaviors of our personality we are born with....like ADHD. Not student who looks up from his/her paper and looks out the window has it but a lot more students than you think, have it these days. Your husband doesn't need to see her therapist for you to get her help. He most likely will not speak to the therapist. I would provide the counseling for her and when he questioned me I'd say....."Well I asked you to speak to the therapist but you wouldn't.". Then when he gives her a hard time, I'd say "Don't give her a hard time. Let's try to work "with" her to help her.". I would leave a pamphlet on ADHD out and open to the page that describes symptoms. Just leave it out on the kitchen counter. Maybe he'll glance at it when you're not at home or not in the room. When he starts to pile on the stress for your daughter, just say a simple sentence like "Oh that's not helpful" or "If you berate her like that or it pile on the stress, it doesn't get the achieved result." I'm sorry his parents were never happy with the his grades. How did that make him feel? Was it right? No. You can let him know that none of that was right. I hope you can get your daughter the help she needs even with your ogre of a husband. If it were me, I'd just go about it my way continuing to get her the help she needs: counseling, tutoring, extra help or whatever she needs.
my nephew is a perfect example.. he was all over the place. a total nut could not sit still coulnd't concentrate.. teacher thought he was add or adhd... mom decided to look into his diet... it was a mess.. she changed his diet and hes a different kid. calm, controlled. relaxed and can concentrate, said schools easier and thigsn are much better for him.
so kudos to going the diet route! i have seen it work.
as for that hubby of yours. he needs to see a therapist to find out why he lacks empathy. (narcissism comes to mind but thats a whole big issue with many signs)
If it were just a laziness issue, that would be pretty easy to fix. All of the yelling and disciplining in the world, won't fix a child with ADHD. That being said, lots of people question the validity of the diagnosis. People say that it's "over diagnosed." Have you considered having some testing done (neuropsych) to see where the deficits are with her cognitive processes? I would spend the money there and figure out what truly is the problem. Often times, things are revealed that can be very telling.
