Hi all, we are considering adopting an older child from foster care. We already have an 11 year old daughter (our natural child). I am worried about a lot of things, and hope you have experience with this- either yourselves or you know of people. We are looking at another girl, between the ages of 5 and 9. My first worry is for our DD. She has run 'unopposed' for 11 years! She is very excited about the idea of this, and while we have explained how things will be different, I know she can't fully understand this. I don't want her to suddenly feel slighted and unattended to. She will be more like 12 or 13 when this happens (most likely), and that's the perfect age to turn to boys/alcohol/drugs if she is feeling unloved by us.
The second worry is about the adopted child. I don't want her to feel always compared to our DD. We will make an effort not to do this, but will she naturally feel this? I know if she feels like she will never live up to our DD she will struggle. And while I was positive about being able to help this child to adjust to our home and new environment, I've suddenly heard so many negative things about adopting older children. That they all have severe behavioral trouble and emotional problems, and that often people feel regret for adopting them. So I went from feeling positive to now terrified.
I want to give a home to a child in need, but I don't want to ruin the life of that child and my own in the process. Please share any experiences you have or advice you can offer. I feel like we are so blessed and able to do this, but I'm freaking out now. Thanks mamas.
I like 2boys suggestion to try for a younger child. I think an age gap might be a good thing - less competition.
Can you foster the child beforehand? Since there is such a high need for foster parents, maybe they could place the child in your home, so your daughter can get a real feel for it.
If you already have the mentality that you're worried about biological child/adopted child having feelings hurt, maybe get some counseling for this beforehand. While these are very normal fears, kids feel and feed off your tension. You want to add to your family, not take away from it!
You won't be dividing your love; love multiplies :) Whether it's another biological child or an adopted one, your heart breeds love for each person! I think this is a wonderful, awesome, exciting thing you're doing.
Do your homework and make a well educated decision. Most adoption centers offer classes and counseling before they will even let you foster a child, so look into it before making a final decision.
Good luck and best wishes!!
Please consider becoming foster parents first. This way your daughter can get the feel of what it's like to be a big sister, you'll get the idea of how it will be to have extra kids around, if the child you get has been molested or abused they will have nahivoirs you won't know how to deal with. Being a foster parent you'd have a lot of professionals to offere support and if it wasn't working out you could request the child be moved.
As a foster parent you get to assist in the raising of lots of borrowed brothers and sisters, sons and daughters. Often they go back home or to a relatives to be raised. But you would be able to offer those families assistance, be a mentor, help them learn parenting, you would be a wonderful role model for all you have in your home.
It may be that one of these kids has your name on their hearts, they may be destined to come and live as your daughter. Having some practice at adapting is never a bad idea.
My oldest grandson and the 2 just younger than the 2 grand kids I am raising have been adopted. The oldest is 13 and the 2 next kids are 3 and 4. The foster family that had the 3 and 4 year old had them from a very young age. We prayed and thought about adopting them. They were supposed to go to this foster family and be their children. We knew that in our hearts. The relationship they formed while in foster care was beautiful. My daughter sees them often and gets to still be Mom. She is out of rehab and has made wonderful changes. She is a good mom to the baby that is 18 months. She appreciates this family and all the love they give her kids.
My oldest was adopted by my ex, he already had the 2nd oldest child since he was an infant. So when we have a family get together it is 4 families, 7 adults, and at least 7 children, depends on how many foster kids the foster family has at the time. But it's lots of fun and we all work hard to get along and be good family.
We adopted a baby at 8 months old who came with lots of emotional trauma. Just go in with your eyes wide open. Just because the child is older doesn't necessarily mean they have more problems. Everyone handles trauma differently. Some store it and act out and others rise above it. Just a personality thing. There is a good chance this child has issues but then again, who doesn't? You are doing a nice thing and I wish you the best!!!
My very biggest piece of advice is to familiarize yourself with Reactive Attachment Disorder. My oldest whom we adopted at 9 but who'd been in care since she was 5 has this. It was not diagnosed before adoption. I had no idea what it was. The last 6 years have been very hard on our family and my daughter actually seems to have an easier case to deal with than others.
Now, to be fair and for full disclosure we have four other children adopted from foster care. One has a few attachment issues but nothing to hard, though she has not reached puberty yet. The other three are doing great. Not every child in foster care has severe emotional or attachment issues, but I do really hope you will inform yourself on issues such as RAD and ODD.
If you would like to talk more about adopting older children feel free to PM me. I promise I have some positive experiences as well. :) I don't sugarcoat the experience though.
I can only respond to this question based on my childhood. I grew up in a family with a younger adoptive brother. As far as the adjustment for me, everything when great. I loved having a new brother. So, although every child is different, I think in general this will probably be a growing experience, but a positive one as well. Learning to share parents attention may be hard, but also a good life lesson.
As far as the adjustment for the new daughter, that may be challenging. I would also recommend doing some research on Reactive attachment disorder. I would also continue talking to some adoptive families to get a feel for the challenges you may face.
Lastly, like others have posted, there are so many amazing children in foster care that can be a real blessing to your family.
I think adopting a child from foster care is an awesome thing!!! So many of those child feel as though no one wants them....no where to call home really. I think if your daughter may have issues..but in the long run will have a sibling for life. My first gut feeling is to try to go as young as possible. like 5ish..to avoid competition etc. It would be great for your daughter to feel important in helping to make this child feel loved and at home. If you have good communication with her...everything will be fine. Good luck and God Bless!
I feel very strongly about adopting and hoping that really the desire is about making your family better as opposed to "giving a home to a child in need.". Unfortunately therenare no guarantees how life will turn out with our birth children, or our adopted children. When your goal is to simply be a family, somehow you make it through.
My challenge to you is being honest with yourself and asking if you can add a child and really embrace them as your child? This would be a child that you have as much at stake in and interest in seeing succeed as your biological daughter. If your adopted daughter far outshines your biological daughter do you feel capable of encouraging her and helping her to really soar, even if it makes your BD feel shortchanged? These are real life issues that take place in all families.
I am an adopted parent and have known many people that have adopted older children. There are so many stories and no guarantees, but if you want to be a mom to another child and you want to expand your family, go for it...the blessings are incredible.
If you are going through foster care, you will need to complete classes and go through a lot of hoops before they will allow it. Friends are going through the process now, and taking classes for a month because there are things they need to know about adopting an older child. RAD was one I was also going to mention.
One of my cousins was a foster child who later asked my aunt and uncle to adopt her, which they did. I actually did not know she had been their foster daughter til we were much older.
I too consider this when my daughter was about nine or ten. she was super excited at the thought of having a "sister", but my concerns were almost identical to yours. So the thing I did was started letting my daughter have sleepovers to see how she would react to sharing her things and her room. The second or third one she had an argument started over the use of a toy or some other trivial matter and my daughter actually asked me to make the other girl leave. I made them work it out and she stayed, but it did help us both to decide that sleepovers are great, but another person living with us would probably not be such a great idea. She didn't want to share and I didn't want to deal with the confrontations. What you and your family are willing to deal with is going to be a personal matter for you and while listen to others advice and stories is a great idea, each experience is unique and you may have exactly what it takes to make it work for you. Good luck with your decision.
