Our old neighbor girl just graduated from college and has been calling me for advice (I am like a big sister to her---18 years older). She basically wants to be Taylor Swift. I fully support her dreams, but I am also a realist. She wants to pick up and move to LA and try to make it (LA is over 1500 miles from where she lives currently).
Here's the problem (in my opinion)...She is 19. She finished high school in 3 years (home schooled) and college in 2 (she started taking college classes in high school). She attended a very small university (less than 500 students) about 1 mile from her house and lives at home. She has never held a part-time job (doesn't even babysit) and has never spent one night away from her parents (literally--they never allowed sleepovers). Her parents cook her meals, do her laundry, and fill her car with gas (she has literally never pumped gas). I feel she is very sheltered. I was sheltered, too, but I went to a large state university 500 miles from home, studied abroad, worked part-time in college, etc. They live 30 miles from the closest 'big city' and won't let her drive there alone.
She has applied for a few jobs out in LA, but has not gotten one yet. She says they want her to come out for an interview. I think her age is a big problem and she lacks maturity (I would imagine this is very evident on a phone interview). She also sent me a link to some affordable apartments--they were low income housing.
I think her parents have expressed their disapproval (they want her to live at home until she's married), so she wants me to give her reasons to go. I just can't. I don't think she's set herself up for success...at this point. I suggested that she find a job and apartment closer to home--maybe in the 'big city' 30 miles away. That way, she can beef up her resume and gain some independence. She's worried she'll miss her big chance if she doesn't go now.
Should I tell her how I honestly feel or should I encourage her to follow her dreams?
You didn't mention her talents?? I like the 30 mile away 'big city' better. She's ill prepared for the other. I'm kinda mad at the parents for babying her. At her age, she should be much more independent.
i'm going to dispense with all the qualifying information (which i'm glad you've provided) and focus only on your question.
when a young person honors you with their confidence and trust, i could never in conscience suggest you respond with anything other than honesty. that's why she's come to you. that's what you owe her.
not to squash her dreams or trample her spirit. you can still encourage her to follow her dreams. but 'encouraging' her to do something foolhardy and dangerous, especially when it goes against your instincts, would be a dreadful thing to do to this bright-eyed young woman.
this is a no-brainer.
khairete
S.
You have a responsibility and an opportunity to help guide this young, naive, inexperienced young woman.
Honestly, given your description of her lack of life skills, and coming from SoCalif myself ( I graduated from UCLA) what you describe is a recipe for disaster.
Young, beautiful, talented woman move to SoCalif every day with the same dreams and haven't a clue how competitive the entertainment world is, and that's often with good connections.
I vote for the local 'bigger' town move first and hope she can figure out how to lease a place and find reliable, honest room mates, while managing a job to save up $$. Plus she can do all that while honing her musical talent, which I'm curious what it is?? What is her musical talent that is similar to Taylor Swift??
Encourage her to follow her dreams, even if her chances of success are slim. This is how she will attain maturity. She can get a bunch of roommates and some kind of job, as a start. My daughter moved down south and found her first roommates on Craigslist.
She should definitely get roommates, not try to get an apartment on her own.
The fact that she's so sheltered is the exact reason why she should do this. Anyway, the only time to follow foolish, unrealistic dreams is when you are quite young. It's usually not feasible once you are older.
Well she can't very well GO without some money and a place to stay, right?
LA is so freaking expensive, and I don't know what kind of "college" she graduated from but unless she is a musical genius she has no chance of competing with all the VERY talented and beautiful and CONNECTED girls from UCLA and USC so I just don't know what she's thinking.
I would tell her, great! Sounds like a wonderful dream! If you want to move to and work in LA you need to start working and saving here (where she lives) now. Once you have enough money saved up you can go out for a week, stay in a cheap hotel and go on some interviews. Get a feel for the city and see if that's really where you want to be.
Remind her that Taylor Swift worked long and hard to get where she is, she didn't just go to LA and get discovered. Life's no fairy tale, especially when it comes to the music/entertainment business.
One of the best ways for her to grow up is to get out on her own. I like the idea of suggesting she move to the closest big city. She can get a job of some sort, try to get her singing gigs there, build up some experience and confidence (and save up some money for the CA living costs), and then head to LA.
She has to walk before she can run. She's not going to get a job from anyone legitimate if she's never held a job and acquired some experience. If anyone wants her to come out there for an interview, she's at grave risk - there are exploiters who just can't wait for a naive woman with no street smarts who wants her "big break". Can you imagine what the "interview" would be??
She won't get into low income housing if she has no income. Those apartments are for the disabled, the working poor, and the elderly. They are not for the sheltered kids who don't know what they are doing.
I suggest, if she listens to you, that you get her to let you help her master 2 life skills a week. Start with pumping gas and going grocery shopping. Next week, cook a meal and do laundry. The week after, open a checking/savings account and apply for a job at a low-skill job who will take anyone (grocery bagging, maybe). Instruct her to put half her money in checking and half in savings so she can accumulate enough for an apartment. Show her a rental agreement on line and help her budget for first/last/security. Take her to the employment office and see what free job skills classes she can sign up for. Given her background, she can't get a receptionist job for a temp agency, she's so clueless about what goes on in a business. She needs to work someplace with intense supervision. I wouldn't help much with her resume - from your description, there's nothing to put on it but college courses, and no one cares about those.
Her parents have severely handicapped her but giving her zero life skills. Apparently her intellectual gifts (college courses in high school, early graduation) don't extend to common sense.
If you encourage her to "follow her dreams", she could very well end up a prostitute on the streets. Don't do it. You'll never forgive yourself.
She's a child. Exactly how does she propose to live in LA? She has no plan.
She needs a job so she can save up as much money as possible.
Does she write her own music and really know how to play music and read it? Part of Taylor Swifts advantage is that she not only can perform, she writes lyrics, and composes her own music.
The other thing is your friend is not even 21, hard to get into nightclubs with out representation to perform at certain venues.
Again she needs to save money so that she can get legal advice and search for a REAL music manager. I love the idea of her working for a music company. She will learn the business of music.
She sounds motivated and determined. When she can financially support herself, she does not need her parents permission. But it would be nice to have ther blessings.
Yes, you should tell her your concerns. Dreams are good. They keep us moving forward. We have to take many steps towards our dream. She is jumping from a very sheltered life having little if any adult responsibilities into a life that requires mature skills that she doesn't have.
I would talk with her about what that life would be like and what skills she would need. Break the move down into baby steps. Ask her how she will get to Los angeles. How much money will she need and how will she earn that money. Everyone needs people to support us. Talk about the support she has now. Ask her how she'll find that support in LA. Step by step. Is she earning money now? How is she with budgeting? Taylor Swift's success started after she auditioned for and was on a TV show. How will she make herself known?
Perhaps she's not wanting to be a singer and just wants and expects to live a glamorous life. Help her make a list of what she wants and then what she needs to do to have that life. Help her understand that moving to LA requires much planning and slowly taking many, many steps in between now and then.
I suggest that during these conversations, help her make a plan. Perhaps the first step would be to figure out how much money she will need to move and how to earn that money. I suggest that she first get a job and save. Then to get an apartment in the city so she can learn what living on her own requires. She has the dream/goal to move to LA. Help her understand all that getting there requires.
what about a step in between, like an intership in the music business in Nashville? A great music town but a little closer to home.
Or, this is what my parents did with me the first time I wanted to live on my own on a new city. They gave me the means to get there and back, and gave me 4 days to find a job that would pay the rent. If I had a job when they came back for me, I could stay. If I didn't have a job, I had to go back with them. I wanted to stay so i worked like crazy to line up interviews, and got a job in those 4 days. It wasn't my dream job, it was waitressing, but they let me stay because they knew I could pay my rent while I looked for something else.
i would go with honesty on this one.
she needs to take baby steps away from the oversheltering mommy and daddy. start out simple and work up from there.
Hate to say it,,but she is already too old to be Taylor swift. Does she sing on a circuit? Write music? What does she do?
Do not let her go to LA. She will end up on the streets.
Being Taylor Swift is like being struck by lightening. So IMO she needs to have a backup plan while she pursues her dream. I had a friend move to LA to be an actress....and she realized that for every audition, there were 200 other women just.like.her.
She needs get out of the small town, realize she's an ADULT now and start taking steps to be really be one. Pump her own gas. Cook her own meals. Do her own laundry. Drive where she needs to go, not where they tell her she can go.
She needs to realize that if she did make it big, she'd have to be very savvy to not get fleeced. Maybe she should start working for a record company to see how things work. She needs to experience life as an adult. To travel. To spend time away from her parents. To try new things, even if she fails. Even people like Swift started somewhere before the big concerts, and the ones with staying power tend to be smart, savvy and persistent.
She would also do well to figure out what she wants to do other than be famous. Most people aren't. So what else can she pursue? My SD wants to run a bakery...but realized that if she didn't want to work for someone else forever, she needed a business degree and experience. So that's what she did.
It sounds like the biggest thing she needs to do is live HER LIFE, not the one her parents have set out for her. She'll be chewed up in LA if she doesn't learn how to stand on her own feet, with or without their approval. Nothing helped my sks be better people more than doing things on their own. They are both very capable young adults now and I'm very proud of them. But they had to do it. THEY had to get jobs, make mistakes, deal with roommates, and bills and leases...Those are lessons that don't come from a book. Even if she doesn't move to LA, might be time to move out in general.
