Advice Nedded

You can't really force them to like their brother or want to play with him. You're setting them up to resent him if you keep making it an obligation or chore.
Leave them alone and eventually they'll create their own relationships.

M., You are the mom !!! Don't ask them. TELL them. They will have designated times as the older siblings to do things together with him.
I just read An A's response to you. She's right on target.
My response to you comes from the same spot she was in....The oldest of 5.

They are at a different place in their lives and they LIVE with daycare. You didnt say how they interact with the children in your care. I am assuming that those in your care are mainly younger. Dont force the issue, They each need peer companionship, They will be friends as adults when they all reach the same level.

"Play" is very different between those ages. And, to be honest, you may not want your five year old playing like a 10 year old.
I would suggest making sure that your children interact together in positive ways, rather than making them play together. Make sure they eat their meals together - where they can joke and laugh together. Maybe try to pair up the 10 and 5 year old at one time - and the 11 and 5 year old at another time - even if it's just a quick car ride, so the two oldest aren't always a dominating force.
Also, have your 5 year old develop his own sense of interests and strengths that are independent of the older siblings. It's hard to always be playing catch up and trying to be noticed. Definiteley pair him up for some good playdates.
Praise your children when they do interact kindly and reach out to each other more - this you may want to do on an individual basis so the 5 year old doesn't feel like it's such a burden for them to hang out with him. And you might want to help your 5 year old process some of the older childrens' behavior. "He didn't mean to hurt your feelings, they're still learning too," etc.
I'm the oldest of five - there's 9 years difference between me and the youngest - and now that we're all adults we get along a lot better than we used to. We all had our ups and downs, just like every child going through childhood. Good luck.

Hi M.. Preteens typically do not want to play with preschoolers. For them, that's a chore and not something they'd enjoy. Their interests are different and 5 year old brothers can be very annoying. While they played together a lot when they were little, my 12 year old doesn't spend much time with her 8 year old brother anymore. I don't consider it her responsibility to entertain him, he has to entertain himself the way that she did when she was young. If your son is lacking for companionship, then I'd suggest setting up some playdates with kids his own age.

Good luck

Sounds like a normal reaction to me. I remember not wanting anything to do with my younger sisters when I was about that age, too. And when my kids were younger they didn't want to hang around with their younger siblings. There was a 10 year gap between my 2nd and 3rd child. One thing we did was "family night". Once a week the whole family did something together. Sometimes it was going to the movies, or the zoo and sometimes it was just sitting at home playing board games. If the little ones couldn't play some of the games I would help them. It was always fun for everyone. And now that the kids are all grown up we still have "family night" once a month. And all the kids are best friends and hang out together all the time!

Give it some time. It will pass as the kids get older.

Hi M.,

It may be their age, or it could be that their brother truly is annoying right now, but I agree with you that they need to at least spend SOME time with him. At that age, I made up games for my younger siblings and helped look after them (eldest of 5). It wasn't fun for me, but I made sure they had fun. The youngest is now in her late 20s and still talks of how cool a big sister I was. She now realises it was pretty boring for me, but appreciates my efforts all the more for it.

They need to learn to get along. They are part of the same family and don't have to like each other, but playing together a little is not too much to ask. Could you instigate playing a board game after dinner every night? If they don't do it without moaning, take away privileges. Or tell them you don't always find it exciting doing things with THEM or listening to THEIR stories, but you do it anyway and it makes them happy. So they can do the same for their brother. Don't always make them play games at his level, he can learn to play some of their games - not very well initially, but he can learn. There has to be give and take.

If all else fails, make them clean windows! Works best for 2 kids. Put one on each side of the pane and tell them to clean the window. No talking allowed. They'll pull faces and eventually make each other laugh. That could break the barrier.

Good luck!
A.

Mom,

Honestly, I think they should during family occasions include him, but not at ALL times.

they need their own space at 10 nd 11.

at 5 your son needs to learn to make friends.

you need to schedule playdates for him.

as for scheduling time for them to play together,
create family oportunities for them to bond and enjoy eachother.

But you can't expect them to be happy about entertaining their baby brother.Its not fair to them,

I have a similar situation, I have a 4 year old and 12 year old.

My 12 year old does feel resentful about entertaining his brothers

Other days he is happy to be with him.

I plan events that are fun for both of them, strawberry picking, swimming, baking cookies, coloring, reading, farm visits.ect..

When we go to the park, my children separate and find age appropriate playmates,

If you little one has dfficult making friends teach him how or ask his siblings to help him mke friends.

but there is no reason they should enjoy playing together at that age.

Just my opinion

M

what do 10 and 11 year olds have in common with 5 year old? come on, be fair. When you push them to play together, it only creates resentment in older children and feeling of not being wanted in the younger one. I would leave them alone and try to find same-age playdates for the younger son.

This is completely normal, your 10 and 11 yo have way more in common with each other than they do with your youngest. Try to build some family activities that are not age dependent, maybe fishing or some other outdoor activity where they can all do it and the older ones can take turns helping the youngest.

At the ages they are now, there are huge skill level gaps between the older 2 and the youngest. This can have a couple of different impacts on the younger one, he may develop and learn new skills faster because he's constantly chasing after the older ones, or he may feel he's a "failure" because he can't do the things he sees them do sooo easily. (He may actually have both of things happen, enhanced skills and abilities and decreased confidence about them).

While you definitely need to BUILD family activities they all can do, be sure to have plenty of age-specific playdates for your youngest - and don't expect your older 2 to include him every time they play.

Don't worry, by the time your youngest is in college they'll all be the best of friends :)

Hi M.
The nine year old across the street from me never wants to play with my four year old son. The twelve year old in my hood LOVES to. It's an age thing. When you're nine and ten it's all about your world and your friends.
I am no expert but in this situation I would try treating the older siblings like babysitters(together and/or separately). If they can be responsible with their brother for a certain amount of time(meaning really learn what he likes and how to entertain him)then they will get a reward. Money may not be important to them right now so find out what is.
Reward them with it. Not only will they learn that work gets rewards but they will learn responsibilty and maybe even start to enjoy their time with little brother.
It's worth a try!
S. S

I am a little in the same boat, my first4 are 9(in 2 days), 7, 6, and 4 and1/2...they all play well together and then we have the baby(22months)and it's not so smooth all the time...he of course "messes everything up" and limits what they can do...what has worked best for me is telling the older boys when(like while I am cooking dinner)they have to play with him and I will also give them ideas or activites to do with him...and I also respect that it is a lot of work to include him so I make sure that they don't have to always play with him and I always thank them and tell them how much I appreciate it when they do...it might work well for you to give your older kids an activity to do with the younger one or just build it into their schedule so there is no debate about it...everynight after bathes the older boys and I play UNO...this is our time, if you set a time up for the kids then they all know it's comming...and the 5 year old is big enough to understand that he can't do everything with the older 2... Good luck!

M.,
Kids are not born knowing how to play with each other. It may take you getting them started, since the older kids may have games you don't want them to play with the younger.

Find some ideas (like go-fish, or marbles, or something that doesn't take size to win) online or with friends.

The baby calls, or I'd say more!
M.

I wouldn't force it on them - they'll just end up resenting your youngest child. As they get older and the age is less of an issue, they will become closer.

I have a brother who is 5 1/2 years older than me, and he would not play with me at all either when I was younger. Coming from my own personal experience, I know that none of your children will have fun if you force them to play together. Just teach your youngest to be more independent, and don't make such a big deal out of it (if you do, the youngest will sense it and be upset too). Know that as siblings, they automatically have a special bond that will develop when the time is right.

That is quite an age difference developmentally. My children are not that old, but if it were me I'd create activities WE all had to do together like: family game night, family movie night, water park, theme park, picnic in the park, etc. Then, I'd get my youngest in playgroups or classes with other kids his age and start planning a sleepover or a weekend day play date. The more you push it, the more they will likely resist it and resent it. Let it happen naturally.

Hi M.,
Don't push. I had the same situation when they were younger. 3 children...19, 18 and 11 at present. Two totally, completely different worlds. It is only now that they are starting to understand what "sibling" means. My oldest is a girl and was thrilled when my youngest was born, because she was a girl. But that wore off quickly. Needless to say my 2nd child, a boy, was not. They were 7 and 8 when my youngest was born and they began sharing a commaradery on "ewww" the baby. They would run from her, hide, little things that would upset me more than the baby. As adults, we realize what is going on and want to fix it. We view things through adult eyes. I had to learn that I could not push their baby sister on them. They found no pleasure what so ever in poopie diapers and potty training and playing with a baby in general. Loved to touch her periodically, kiss her real quick but move on even quicker. Siblings with such a big age difference have nothing in common, even though as mothers we would like there to be more together time or get along time or love time. That won't happen until they get older. I didn't start to see it until my oldest was about 15. At 13 I bribed her into babysitting or entertaining the baby for money. At 15 she came into her own understanding and they started talking and sharing girlie stuff. My son, knows the value of his sisters, but hes at the age where women are unusual creatures he is yet to understand. Just remember, don't push, the more you insist, the less they will cooperate. Try little tricks like ALL of you playing a game with yopur 5 year old and little by little disappear from the equation. Go to the store, go start dinner etc. Good Luck M.!

I have a 15, 19, and 6 year old. Making them pay attention to the little one just doesn't work unless it's the occasional video game or movie. There interests are simply too different than the little one. I suggest finding a playgroup, or making playdates with your child's friends in her age group. There may be age-related activities for young ones too, such as storytime at the library, etc.

You said you run a family daycare in your home. I am moving to Watertown soon, and I will need am-pm care for my 6 year old little girl after-before school. Perhaps we can help each other? Where are you located? Currently, I am in NJ, but my husband's start day at Drum is July 6, and I will be arriving soon after.

C.
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Hi M., In my experience (mother of 5 and grandmother of 3) the 11 and 10 year old are very self centered and plus they have each other. I would not try to force them to spend time with the little guy. They wil resent you and him. Sadly siblings are not born caring for each other. You could still ask once in a while. What are the ages of the children in your daycare? Could one of them play with your little one? I wonder if you give them a grown up job like organizing a game for the younger children. Maybe that would work. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

Hi M.,

I don't think you should keep demanding your older kids to do. I have 14, 13, 11 & 7 yrs old and older three kids are always giving hard time to 7 yrs old. Yeah, when they were too mean, I told them to be kind to him. But remember your older ones are kids, too. That means they are immature and they don't act like you do. They need to learn to be loving and they are in process. There are two things you can do, you can express your feeling to older kids. Something like, "I feel sad when you are mean to your little brother." But don't do it with anger, just express your feeling sincerely. Another thing is you can say to them things like, "Thank you for taking care of your brothers." Say things that you are expecting as a fact. So you can show your absolute trust in them and expectation. Also things change when your 5 yrs old get older. My oldest son used to give hard time to his younger brother (they are 3 yrs apart) just because kids can't put up with immature person which means they are often mean to younger kids because they don't have parental heart.