Advice on Child's Friend

First I would say that if the discipline that you or her mother are giving this particular misbehaving girl is not working, then both of you are probably needing to seek out something different. For example, if you are at the park, and she starts to hit or be mean...maybe her mother taking her home for the rest of park time... completely removing her from the fun unless she learns to treat others nice. If she is at your house, and starts to hit your daughter...try having her mom take that daughter home. If you and the mom are close enough friends, that she wouldn't mind doing that, and leaving the other daughter with you to still enjoy playing, that might really get to the girl that is misbehaving. You (or really her mother) needs to experiment with what discipline is going to inspire her to actual behave appropriately.
I too have been in your position. My daughter is now 5, and her friend that is a nearby neighbor, that attends her kindergarten class, and that her mom and I are friends.. is similar. Her daughter is in the process of being diagnosed with ADD, and she frequently throws fits, screams, and doesn't treat her mother in the same way that I expect my girls to treat me. At times, my 5 year old will start to follow a few things things girl does, but I try to end it immediately, and make clear to her that her friend has trouble controlling herself, and the way she behaves in NOT appropriate, and that she should not copy what she does..that she knows better, and can control herself, therefore, I expect that from her. Even though ADD may have nothing to do with your case, just fill it in similarly in that she hasn't learned to control herself, or to treat others nice, but that your daughters does. I did mention this to my daughter prior to seeing any of the behavor coming out in my daughter, and I do think that gave my own a heads up, and helped her understand what is going on. Maybe just have a talk with your daughter, she should be able to understand this at 4. Good luck!
K.

I have had this problem too many times. Since your daughter is four and pretty well behaved, you should be able to discuss this behavior with her and let her know that it's wrong. I have had talks with my oldest and let her know that other kids often act in ways she will know aren't right and to not let their behavior influence her. I have a friend who's daughter had behavioral issues and sometimes downright awful behavior. She locked us out of the car (with her and my daughter inside),she had locked us out of my house (again w/her and my daughter inside). It was hard at times, but I had to remember that it was even harder on my friend (who couldn't take her daughter out in public). We are still very good friends and her daughter has received therapy and has completely changed into a "model" child. There are going to be countless children in your kid's life that aren't the best influences, and you won't be able to control this. The best thing is to make sure that your own child's behavior is intact and not easily influenced by negative behavior.

Hi H.,
I have also had this problem--our neighbor was my best friend and her daughter (who was a year older than mine) was awful (mean, teasing, grumpy). However, my daughter for some reason had fun playing with her until it always got "ugly" and my daughter came running in tears. I always had a hard time confronting my friend because I think she was in denial that her daughter was so bad. I did let them play together but did closely supervise and was always more comfortable when they were at our house. I think it is important for my daughter to be exposed to all kinds and learn how to deal with adversity. And, to be honest I really needed the adult friendship that came along. But I always made sure they weren't together constantly and during the summer they did different activites (camps, swimming lessons, etc). Sometimes I had to make up excuses why they couldn't play together. They have since moved further away so it has been easier to monitor although they are still friends.

The good news is that they are now 8 and 9 (known eachother since they were babies). The "awful" one has matured and is now not a sweet child but they can play together without tears. My advice: let them play as long as closely supervised, talk w/your child about how it goes and don't be afraid to make excuses/go your own way if you have to--but make and effort to stay friends with the mom because that is important (and maybe longer lasting) also.

Social contagion is very strong among children. Yes your daughter could pick up bad behavior from the friend. I would limit my time with that firend and be sure my daughter meets other friends who have kind ways. AF

Have you discussed this with the mother? You can also change the visits so that they are less frequent or shorter. If the child acts up, do you ever call the mother to get her and end the play date?

The best thing you can probably do is to maintain close watch on the girls when they play so that you can head off any mean behavior. You could also have most if not all playdates at your house in order to keep close eye on her. When the other little girl acts up you should tell her that her behavior is not nice and makes other children cry and that if she continues to behave this way then she cannot play w/ your daughter. I would even go as far as to send her home early one day as a consequence of her behavior. Do it a few times so she knows you are serious. Maybe then she will get the point. You could even let her mother in on your plan so that when she is sent home the mother can back you up and reiterate to her daughter that her behavior will not be accepted.

Hi H.,

You are a very wise woman. Relationship building is very hard for all of us in today's world.

One of the ways to build relationships is to confront bad behavior by creating a cirlce. All those who have been affected by an action of someone, addresses it in a circle.

First of all, the ones in the circle who have been affected get a chance to speak first.

You will be the facilitator:

the questions to ask:

1)What did you think when you realized what had happened? (You describe your thoughts. Then go around to everyone else, not the perpetrator, he/she will be asked the second set of questions.)

2) What impact has this indient had on you and others?

3) What has been the hardest thing for you?

4)What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

The second set of questions go to the one who has the challenging behavior.

1) What happened?

2) What were you thinkng of at the time?

3) What have you thought about since?

4) Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?

5) What do you think you need to do to make things right?

After everything is said and done. Compliment the child for his/her honesty and courage to share in the group. Ask everyone to say something nice about the child individually.

HOpefully this will help draw everyone together in community with one another.

This is called "Restorative Practices" Check the website at www.IIRP.org.

Hope this helps. D.