Advice on Grown Kids Living at Home

We have 2 young adults still living at home, that should be out too! one is 18 and the other is 20 we have told them they dont have to pay rent here, but they need to do more things around the house to help out! my 18 year old has a great job. while the 20 year old does not! i told him that he needs to get a job and save up for an apartment! while they have to be home by 2am and up by 10 am this is not working out! i have looked into getting a travel trailor to move them into it and this way they can move it when they go! but, i really really would like to find a few other parents out there around layton and clearfield area's that would like to go in on a rental!!! i would like to pay 2 months rent and after that tell the young adults they need to take over from there!

i dont want to push them out of my life just out of the house, fridge bathroom, frontroom, ect! if this sounds like a good thing to you we should get together!

You might tell her that she has a time line for getting a job, and if she doesn't do it by a certain date, she will have to start paying you rent.

There is a web-sight, I believe it is called fatigued to fabulous. I have heard very good things about it helping people with Fibrolmyalgia and other related problems. It seems to me that she needs to deal with the medical asspect first. If she likes to stay up at night, then a night job will be best suited for her needs right now as for as income. I do feel that kids should help pay rent when they are able to. It teaches them resposibility.
Stephanie

Some serious nutrition could also help her depression. I wouldn't stop the meds all at once, but start eating super healthy - no sugar, preservatives, shop the produce section and visit an herb store or two. Get to know that stuff, it is wonderful. Also a lot of people really benefit from flax oil. Make sure it's high lignan. exercise would be great, so would massage, I don't know how or if that works with fibromyalgia, but massages have been said to cure eating disorders, plus it just makes sense. Acupuncture is something else that i have personally tried, and it is incredible. My acupuncturist studied in China and was very experienced. I don't know how much you want to try, but there are a lot of things you can do for your health if you want to spend the time and the money. I have found it is worth it to have a new outlook and actually be able to enjoy life. Good luck to you both!

I read your comments to Sophie's response and just wanted to share my experience with you. I have dealt with mental illness including depression for years, and just recently started getting treatment. There are 2 vital steps: the right medication at the right dosage(I see that she is on cymbalta) and many counceling sessions (you said she went once). I would suggest going with her to the psychologist (not just a family doctor) and talking about the anxiety as well as the depression, it might take other medication as well. The psychiatrist should also refer her to a good councelor/LCSW. The reason that this is so important is that, when the chemicals in our brain are not balanced right, we develop coping strategies that are faulty thinking patterns and counterproductive beliefs. Repeated counceling sessions will help your daughter identify these faulty thinking patterns and replace them with healthy beliefs and thought patterns. (The first session is really just getting to know what's going on). I know from personal experience that it takes both, so that may be what your daugter needs.
At any rate, I commend you for being there for you daughter, and for wanting to help her become a functioning person and confident in herself. Having your support may be the one thing that helps her overcome and become the beautiful, confident person you know she can be. Stick with it, and always let her know you love her no matter what else!

Hi T.,
I don't know yet about the kids coming back, our are just about to leave. So I will be interested in reading the responses you get in case I need them later. But I do know something about the medical issues you and your daughter are dealing with. I would love to visit with you. Let me know if you are interested. GOOD-LUCK on the other issue...........J.

Well I can So relate to your daughter I the same way. I came home from school in Cali, and was way to comfy to leave. but she will. Just be supportive of her right now. ease into all your rules at first you don't want her to fill unwelcome why she is beating her self up inside right now. Just be supportive and lay down some rules at a time. and suggest this job.

There is a high demand for CNA's at hospitals right now. you can get your license in two weeks. The place is called CCCNA they have day classes and night classes. She would make good money and couls live on her own and meet people. But she will leave just keep giving her motivation

Oh boy, I've been in her shoes! Sort of.
I had to "take a break" from my husband because he went a little crazy on me. Violent and emotionally abusive. So I took our two boys and we moved in my my parents for a few months.
I have fibromyalgia, trouble sleeping, and of course, I was totally depressed. I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't make myself go to bed. I still can't. Of course, the situations are very very different in most other ways. I'm also much older (at least it seems like a huge difference! i'm 31)
You'll need to tell her to go to bed. Just the suggestion will help her actually do it. She won't like it, but she'll know she needs it. And it's your house, so you can tell her how things will be. Tell her she's welcome, but that when she comes back home, she comes back to how it was before she left. Set curfews, bedtimes, etc. Except that now that she's not in school, she needs a job and has to pay rent. Make it low, but not too cheap. It should at least cover her share of utilities and food!
You may need to take her to counseling/doctors to help her get out of her slump.
One day she'll realize that if she is making enough money to live by your rules, she's making enough to live on her own.

Give her a time period to get a job and start paying rent or move out. When the time is up and still no job, tell her she needs to pack her things and go. if she peads with you to let her stay, take her out at that very instant, and go job hunting with her. My grandma allowed me to live with her after i finished serving a mission for my church. She charged me 200 dollars a month. the job i had was seasonal, and i asked if i could skip rent for the months i was unemployed. she said no. it was the best thing she could have done. it taught me more about being responsible.

I definitely agree that kids that age should be on their own 2 feet and working, etc. but do take into account how she is physically. Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue are serious and can be quite debilitating. And people have varying levels of severity. If one person has it and can work, there is another one who cannot and who would absolutely crash if they had to work full time. Of course any depression from the relationship or not feeling understood, etc. exacerbates the problem. Make sure she knows how loved and important she is. Maybe pay for counseling if she can find part time work (and hopefully move up to more.) Is it possible that she would have a good work ethic but that she is too exhausted all the time? Is she able to sleep? Or is it just frustrating for her to go lie in bed when she actually can't get to sleep? I have FM and CFS and if my parents weren't understanding of my situation, I don't know where I'd be. Probably on the street. I'd give my right leg to be able to work full time. People don't understand how it is to be completely debilitated and not have anyone understand that you are NOT just lazy.

T.,

I understand your frustration.

When my son was about the age of your daughter, he came back home to live with us and I started to believe he would never leave also. The first frustrating time was before he had a job and we started to wonder if he would ever get one. Then after having a good paying job he wouldn't move out. It turns out that my son doesn't enjoy living alone. When he found a friend that he trusted and that he know he could get along with he was more than eager to leave.

Could your daughter be looking for that "perfect" job? At first when my son would say that; I felt that he was being too picky. It turns out that his patience has paid off in a big way. Not only is he happy at his work, but he keeps getting promoted because of all the hard work he does.
Could you be giving your daughter an excuse with the health issues? I realize that dealing with Fibromyalgia and CFS is a real challenge. What do you do to inspire your daughter to know what is possible even with them?

With my whole heart,
C.

Hi T., I too have been through this, twice in the past 3 years with a 24 year old. My husband & I created a different process this most recent time where she had daily appointments with me because I'm a life coach. It also helped that I'm her stepmom and have always felt that there is nothing we all can't get through in a conversation. The end result is we gave her a deadline of this month, Aug. 1st so that after 10 months things weren't so open ended. Let me know if you'd like to have a conversation (a gift, not about $) just so that maybe you can feel like you've got some options for you. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to NOT enable her powerlessness. Call me at ###-###-#### if you want to. Keep breathing, J. Sexton

First off, I was extremely sick with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, depression etc. and I lived at my parents in my twenties. They all go hand in hand. By first hand experience, it was pure HELL to have my parents push me to work because I was so sick but they didn't understand quite what I was going through. I was old enough to work and be on my own BUT I was sick at the same time and could not do anything about it and the stress from that was making things worse. Your daughter might not be as sick as I was YET but all those illness are progressive. Just give them a little time. First off, the most important thing is not to worry about your empty nest right now......but family. Your daughter is sick and unless your work on getting her better, nothing is going to change. I myself could hardly ever sleep at night because one of the symptoms of FMS is insomnia. When you are sick, you loose your happiness and energy for life. All I wanted to do was get better and all my parents wanted me to do was get a job. I couldn't understand why a job was more important than me getting better and being happy. Right now you need to be selfless and help her. I am better now and married but it took a nervous breakdown because of all the stress and illness to break me and get help. My husband helped me because my parents would not. I went to a holistic physician and through lots of prayer and detoxifying myself spiritually, mentally, and physically I was able to get better. Many people may not be aware of this but fibromyalgia is a total emotional illness. I didn't go into remission until after 4 years of detox. From a childs perspective, please support her like my parents did not. I can help you and her both get help but you have to be willing. Hope this offers a little insight to the other side of life. Rose :o)

Oh yes, coming from the holistic perspective, anti-depressants only contribute to the toxins in the body-brain syndrome. Treat her holistically and you use not drugs but heal the body. Drugs made me crazy and they will with her in time. Sorry but I say NO to drugs. You need to experience this first hand because I cannot tell you what I have experienced and have you believe me.

It's hard when depression is cronic. I know how hard it is to get motivated when I'm depressed. Does she have a therapist or doctor to help with the depression? When you stay awake all night, it's hard to be active during the day.

What's her work history like? Can she hold down a job for more than a few months? If not maybe she needs to see if she qualifies for disability income.

Depression is very serious illness if not treated and you can't just get back on your own feet. She may need medication and other kinds of help. I'd talk to her about it and see what she thinks she can do.

Good luck!!!!

I would really like to hear the responses myself. I have a son who is almost 20, never left home, wont work because of medical issues and I have no idea what to do or how to do it. He can not be a responsible employee until we get final results from Dr, but OMG seriously he is driving me crazy! I refuse to kick him out (that is the only advice I have been given so far by many)he is my child and I do feel completely responsible for what he is doing, and his laziness. I have allowed it for this long.

Any GOOD advice welcome.

She's 23? What did she do about her job/college that she was doing before the breakup? She has responsibilities that she should not neglect. If she wants to be your roommate... Charge her rent. Make her pay her fair share of the utilities, groceries, etc. Give her chores. Also, since she's living under your roof, she needs to follow your rules. If she doesn't like that --- she can leave. She's going through a hard time right now, and it's good that she has you to fall back on. But you need to set a goal/timeline with her for her to leave. She needs to see a counselor and/or other medical professional. Kindly explain to her that although you and your husband love the kids, you are looking forward to the empty nest. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and not rely upon a man. It's understandable to be upset about a breakup after a long term relationship --- but life is going to throw some hardballs at you and you can't just roll up in a ball for a month. She needs to suck it up and you need to stop making excuses for her. The best revenge is getting on with your life. Tough love.

Tough love. My 25 year old sister won't seem to get out of my parents house. It started as temporary, then she either couldn't find a job she thought she would like or she would quit after only a few days or weeks. Then she talked my parents into getting her a cell phone, then a car, etc. She isn't paying rent, she's supposed to be paying her other bills but because their names are on them, they are paying because she has no job and no money. I understand your daughter has health issues but that doesn't mean she can't/won't use them to her benefit. If she has no ambition in life (like my sister) she might slowly take advantage of her "free" situation.

Have you heard of love and logic? Your daughter is an adult but still depending on you so there might be some info there for you. I know they would say as long as it is not bothering you and intefearing in your life then there is not a problem. You really aren't helping her, you are enabling her to be helpless. I would say a temporary move, say 1 to 3 months might be ok or maybe if she were a full time student. Those health issues sound bad but what will she do for the rest of her life? So she has no job at all? Wow. was she living off the boyfriend? How does she cover the costs of the medical issues, I assume she is on meds? Maybe she can get some counseling as well. Maybe you can get some help to deal with this yourself. Good luck!

I agree with Julie...you're the parents and you need to set the rules. My suggestion is talk with your husband and then come up with a list of things you expect her to do - get a job, pay rent, clean up after herself, etc. Then take the list to her and explain these things are expected of an adult and then set up a time frame as to when you expect them to be accomplished. Get a job in 2 weeks, start paying rent in one month, etc and that if she doesn't follow through, you'll kick her out. I know it's hard because she's your daughter and you always want to take care of her, but she has to learn to be an adult and sometimes it just takes some "tough love."

Good luck! And best wishes

I think that you need to lay down the rules. IF she is living in your house then she needs to play by your rules and if she doesn't then she needs to find another place to live. I know that sounds harsh, but she is old enough to support herself and it sounds like she should be. First off I would also ask her to pay rent or for food or something because having another person in the house can put a strain on the budget---especially when you weren't planning on them being there. I understand that she is your daughter, but she also has to play by the rules that have been set down. I also think that maybe giving her a deadline for when she needs to be on her own again, a goal, then she might be more motivated. Good luck.
J.

Oh !
this letter to you grew so long, I hope it will make some sense and be of some help for you :)

T., I come from two traditions: Russian and Estonian.
And, I've lived long enough in the States to see how in different cultures this issue is approached differently.

One thing is certain in all the traditions:
the adult child who is capable of working
NEEDS TO WORK, PERIOD.

In Russia, the home where a child grows up,
is ALWAYS this child's home, no matter the age.
It is not the house where they live(d), it is HOME,
and it includes CARING ABOUT EACH OTHER:
whoever is big enough to work, and earn money,
then they speak about the household and how they can help it
all roll smoothly: food, and whatever needed to run the household, to share the financial responsibility.
There are times that one member is changing a job, or looking for a better one, or is having a health problem, or needs to help a friend, or any extra special situation, and then the whole family of this one HOME helps out this person who needs more financial spending, and for that time there is no question that the others will pay the bills, giving the one a little break, you know...all this stuff is mostly just decided approximately on the free will of everyone caring about each other from the bottom of their hearts.

The motto is: LOVE is not a noun,
LOVE is a VERB.
If you love, and when you love, you show HOW YOU LOVE:
you act as you love,
you care, and yes, romantics, you say good words, and maybe bring flowers or ask your own husband! /wife :) for a date into a restaurant, just out of a blue, to have a good evening and happy smiles; and it also involves mutual caring: about each other's mood, health, household, raising kids, arranging events together: be it camping or making sure each has their time for their hobby and such,...
this is LOVE IN ACTION

I believe this approach to each other through LOVE
needs to be TAUGHT, nicely, politely, and with utmost care,-
to your adult daughter.
She says she loves you, and she puts more pressure on your shoulders for you to take care of her, while she's potato-couching around? What a "nice" expression of love, really, eh?! No, does not work! Sorry, dear one!

We had a rule with my mother, when I was little:
If mama is doing some housework at home: kitchen, cleaning, whatever, then children do not go and sit down with their toys and books, they need to go to mom and ask her what they can help her with. If she will find them something to do, to help her, then they do this and if mom is still working, they ask what they can help more. ONLY WHEN MOM Says, thank you dear, I am good, I will make it myself, you can go play now, THEN the kids can go play. The nice part of it was that mom did not sit watching TV when kids were doing chores either, so it was very fair:
we work together, we rest together!

In Estonian families, they might even sit down
and put it on paper:
this is our spendings list:
power bill
phone
rent
internet
sewer
garbage
food spendings
(what did I miss? :) )
this will be the amount TOTAL: HERE.

and this is our income list:
dad earns this much
mom earns this much
elder brother earns this much...
and this is the amount TOTAL: HERE!

now, we calculate either by percentage,who earns how much,or if the income is pretty much similar for all the memebers of the family,
and the amount of money to put into a family jar so to say, is calculated: HERE.
each brings in their part of the share THIS MUCH, HERE!
when the payday comes,
and there is no quarrel about who is not sharing,
it is like ONE COMMON BILL TO PAY for making everybody's life in the home comfy..
and the rest of the money is the person's OWN money to spend on their own will and taste...
then, sometimes when there is a situation for one member of th family, they'd have a meeting and decide, how they can help, and they always find a way how to do it,
but it is more organized and more official so to say in this culture, I'd say...

The amount of available space also plays role here:
if this is an apartment with limited room, or a house, you know...

In Russian families, probably after Soviet Union times, when people were limited with a little space for living, it is a usual thing for parents having their daughter/son, and her husband/wife, AND their children all living together. Pretty crowded, but they are all happy, they were never accustomed to having more space anyways, but they are happy if they can help the young family on their feet also.
Certainly, then more little quarrels can happen, but that is like a working situation, and not many people get really upset on the big scale, so to say.

Now, in America, it is a tradition: 18 years old, you are big, you are more or less on your own. And yes, as you say, out of the nest. I hope some of what I shared from my experience will help you somehow to get another perspective and maybe find some advice on how to cope with your situation.

As to me personally, in a perfect situation
I would be happy if I could help my kids to get a college education, financially supporting them while they study.
Once they have a profession that they like, I'd say YOU"RE OUT IN THE WIDE WORLD, out of the nest, and I am always here for you, but my task of getting you on your wings is completed, you fly now, and I enjoy seeing you reaching heights!

IT SEEMS THAT YOUR ADULT DAUGHTER HAS NOT FOUND HER OWN PLACE IN THE WORLD YET. YOU CAN HELP HER WITH IT, because just spending her life like you say she does now, won't be any happy life at all. It feels more like wasting the life away...

I also used to tell all of my three kids:
"I do not care who you will choose to be;
there are only several things to hold onto:
1. You do not ever hurt or harm anyone
2. you do not ever hurt or harm yourself in any way
3. You are happy with what you do for your job.
If you choose to drive a tractor,
and this is your happiness, perfect!
If you choose to become a scientist, and this is your happiness - perfect!
But, you need to find your place in life.
It may happen that you cannot find your place right away: then keep feeling deeply, what would you like to do in your spare time, and seek which job would fit into that pattern the best, as when hobby and job merge into one action, this is the perfect situation: but you yourself will be the only one to figure out what you really WANT to do, and as long as you are looking, you might needs to TRY different versions of jobs, to even see what you do NOT like, and to move on, non stop until you will finally feel THIS IS IT, this is for me.

This situation that you have is hard in some sense, yet you as a parent are given a chance to help her grow into a happy person, once again, as she is dependent on you now, you have a say and she will have to listen to your advice and suggestions.

I also suggest you please do not start confronting her, but speak of a FAMILY as a UNITY and her being a part of it, and your need of her help in making it work financially happy ways for ALL OF YOU, and your mutual friendship and love as a real situation of acting the way how it will confirm how true it is. And, help her to find her path in life, and her space of interest for job, and to grow her into a responsible loving caring lady, who will be dependent and always a joy to have around: that will help her to find a true partner in life as well. First though, she needs to find herself, and you are there to help with loving guidance, T..

I wish you a good creative communication in a great loving family!!!

I want to let you know that you are doing the right thing in letting her stay with you right now. Her illness has to be conquered before anything. Take her to a chiropractor. Some time ago, maybe she suffered an injury to her neck. A car accident or whiplash. This causes fibromyalgia. Get the neck back in the right place then work on anxiety. There is a book called "Tapping the Healer Within." That can help her get rid of her anxiety forever. She has to get off her meds. They are not helping. She should detox. Another Book I would recommend is "The PH Miracle" by Robert Young. If both of you make this book your eating bible you both will get better. When your daughter is better she won't have a problem getting a job and moving on.