Advice on Helping My 6-Year-old with Social Skills

I wonder if she doesn't have some self-esteem issues. When she's on stage performing is she alone? I bet not. She does well there because she probably doesn't feel like everyone is watching HER. In a setting at home with friends and family, she probably feels like everyone is looking at her (like when you arrive or are preparing to leave) so she feels self-conscious. I think I would try to find some programs in the community that deal with self-esteem.

Have you tried talking with her and asking her what makes her uncomfortable? Maybe explaining how it makes people feel when she is not affectionate would work, but maybe not. You could always role play, especially if she likes performing. How is she with her close friends? My brother was a shy kid and when we would visit my father's family, he would draw back because they were very loud and overstimulating. He did eventually get over it, but it probably wasn't until later in elementary school/junior high. Hope this is helpful!

My daughter was often very shy around people she didn't know. I encouraged distance with strangers, so I know I created this mess.

We started talking about what is expected when we meet people and practiced it at home... a lot. We pointed out making eye contact, speaking clearly and kindly, and even offering a handshake (that would keep the person at a distance).

We also gave her fair warning that we were going to have a social situation where she would have to greet people. We set it up so that she knew who she would greet (showed her pictures of these people). She took it as a game. When we arrived, she spot the few people she needed to greet. Then we'd greet them as quickly as we could. She eventually started introducing herself to the person, "Mr. Smith, my name is El and I'm pleased to meet you." She tried to do that more and more. It was her personal game. Could she speak to them first using their name.

Okay, I often rewarded her later. I'd comment, "Gee, I noticed that you greeted everyone on the list this time. I am very proud that you made and effort to do that today. Add three marbles to your jar." (marbles = extras in our house-screen time, trip to park even if HW isn't 100% finished, sleepover with Nono, etc.)

Once she ended up having to greet someone that wasn't on the list. Sort of a surprise for all. She handled it well, so I gave a double reward and made sure she used some of her marbles for something extra special. Next few events, she was all over greeting people.

I know, rewards....but it worked. There aren't rewards for common curtesy now. She knows you need to greet others, and it is expected.

It takes lots of time!
S

Hi R.,

I believe children are instinctive about certain people and sensitive to smells that adults may overlook in their friends a family. I would not push her to be automatically affectionate.

One thing that might help is to have her draw a picture for Grandma or a friend before they come over. Let her know that when they come to visit, she can give them the picture. Children are usually excited about something they have created and this may be a good icebreaker.

Tell her before the company arrives that Grandpa or Auntie are looking forward to seeing her because they love her so much,and would really like a little hug or kiss.

Blessings…..

Hi R.,

Your daughter reminds me of a sister of mine and a little of myself.

When I read your post I felt a lot of sympathy for your daughter because of the "pressure" a sensitive person may often times feel to perform to the expectations of others despite inner promptings from one's own individual self. I think you're a caring parent who wants the best for your child and it is obvious you want her to be well-adjusted. I will share some of my insights with you because I think maybe it could ease your mind a little about your daughter's occasional reactions to social stress.

In my world, as I experience life, my instinct and intuition seem often turned to a high-to-medium perception rate that seems automatically adjusted by someone's "vibes" or feelings whether it's "theirs" or even if it's just "stuff" the adult is carrying around or is surrounded by. Put that on top of whatever I am dealing with personally at that moment and the equation can get really tricky.

Adults live in a highly-charged atmosphere rich with pressures and tensions that we become masters of disguising or denying. Some kids can't handle it; and it's not healthy to expect this from them. Especially when they are drummed with the truthful and honest message. "How truthful should one be?" might be a question in a child's mind that they are not always able to even articulate within themselves.

If an aunt comes over and she's hiding that she's worried about getting laid off and is full of tension and worry and somehow your daughter is picking up on that and doesn't feel strong enough to handle her aunts emotions whether intellectually, emotionally, etc., please don't force her. Give your daughter time to adjust and discover her own coping strategies for those situations. Take time to observe her reactions, try to "read" her body cues without latching onto the obvious and then after Aunt Hilga leaves, have a loving, gentle, and understanding conversation with her so she can feel "safe" in those situations with you there to guide her. When you open up to her, she will have a good role model to follow.

As an adult, when my inner emotional landscape is sensing overload from some source and I know I can't handle it, I politely make my excuses (sometimes not)and give them some space. It would be abusive to myself to force myself to take emotional responsibility for someone when I sense that I am out of my depth. Sometimes I need to take a step at a time instead of taking on way too much, too soon and when I am not ready. I have discovered, (sometimes the hard way) that a healthy response for me is to listen to my inner guidance and go from there at a pace I am able to manage wisely.

My parents often forced me into a "normal" expectation mold, whatever that means. Maybe they were successful to a degree, but I found I had to deal with an ugly mess later trying to "grow up" with so many of their unfair and unreasonable expectations jammed into my psyche often willy-nilly and helter-skelter, and I still have to deal with a certain amount of fallout in my life from their lack of perception or unwillingness to perceive my sense of responsibility towards myself as a human being. They had difficulty respecting me as a person because they could only see me as a child; and later, as an adult, I had an exponential growth of difficulties all relating to issues essentially stemming from the quality of respect I was shown as a person and human being, especially that from my parents.

Take any average person off the street and give them 150 lbs. to lift and you'll find some people for whom it's not a problem and others who could not lift it at all. Maybe this could be how your daughter feels sometimes when she's expected to respond in a certain way under certain social circumstances.

Anyway that's my advice and insight. I hope it's helpful to you and your daughter.

-M

We have the same issue with our daughter too, even our son is hard to get to say hello. Sometimes I feel bad because it can be very rude in people's eyes. I did not force them to hug or greet family either and I think maybe I should have, One time it caused a scene just trying to get my son to say thank you for receiving some big gifts from Grandma! My daughter is more like what you described of yours, she is very snuggly with us and likes to choose when she gets close but will not let anybody pick her up or give her affection. Anyway if there is any advice on this I need some too! Good Luck!

My youngest daughter was like this too. What we required of her was just to stay facing the person ('I know you're uncomfortable, but turning your back on someone is rude.'), to smile and say hi. That was it. She could even do this while holding on to my leg, in typical shy child fashion, but her face needed to be up and a verbal greeting made. No one should ever be required to hug or kiss anyone. Not even your own grandma. Anyone who feels bad about a child not being comfortable with hugging/kissing needs to remember who is the adult in the situation.
As for her comfort on stage, this is not all that unusual. I know it seems counter-intuitive that someone would be more comfortable with 100+ people staring at them than one-on-one with loved ones, but really the stage is like a safety net for some. Especially kids/adults that have a hard time face-to-face. On stage you are separated from others, no eye contact involved. It is almost like there is an invisible force field around you making you feel safe/free to go for it. The good news is that theatre/performing will help her become more social. Actors/singers/dancers really become like a family during rehearsals and performance runs since they spend so much time together. I know a young man who is autistic and has great difficulty with eye contact and one-on-one interaction, but when he is on stage he's amazing! He has great chemistry with others on stage and easily engages in physical activity with other characters (hugging, wrestling, walking arm-in-arm), not to mention some of the best comic timing I've seen! I'd keep encouraging her to perform, it may be the best thing for her.

http://www.floortime.org/faqs.php?faqid=4

Check this out!!!! Hope it helps!!!

Love, G.. :0)
http://stemcellforautism.blogspot.com/

"I know of nobody who is purely Autistic or purely neurotypical. Even God had some Autistic moments, which is why the planets all spin." ~ Jerry Newport

Have you ever considered enrolling her in a social group, like Girl Scouts? That would allow to her to build relationships with other girls her age in a safe environment. Alot of the badges the girls work on focus on many of the things you mentioned -- manners, dealing with other people, etc. The registration fee is only $10/year, so its not very expensive either. You can feel free to E-mail me if you want more information. My girls have been involved in Scouting since they were your daughter's age and I think it has contributed greatly to their self-confidence and maturity.

God created her this way, and there is nothing wrong with her. My middle daughter is now 8, and we went through the same thing with her. She still is not one that likes to hug other family members, she just isn't a cuddly one. Around the same age as your daughter is I would talk to her about upcoming events and we would do a little role playing. I did not expect her to do hugs and kisses, but I told her that she did need to go and say hello to people. Now, she does pretty good in situations. I told her that it is rude to not say hello to someone, and it shows her elders respect. Even now when she sees one of her grandmothers, she will say hello, but when her grandma gives her a hug she just stands there. The advice I would give you is the same. But do not expect anything more than a hello out of her, it is just not who she is right now. Also, don't worry about what others may say or how they may feel. She is not trying to hurt anyones feelings so there really isn't anything to feel bad about. We as the adults need to understand that each child is created so differently and to not expect each child to act as if they are all the same. She will be fine and you are doing a great job.

Hi R. -

Socialability is not something that comes easily to all kids. Forcing her to be more social will backfire, but clearly she needs to be a bit more open to avoid appearing rude.

The best thing to do is to PRACTICE the behavior you want by role playing. Set up the scenario by saying, let's pretend Aunt Jenny is going to walk into the room. I want you to say "Hi, Aunt Jenny" and give her a wave. Okay? I'm going to be Aunt Jenny...and when I walk into the room, say hi and wave, okay?

Do this as much as she will tolerate -- use different scenarios, different people, and tell her exactly what behavior you want from her. Create a visual cue like a big smile so that she knows when she is to go into 'her script'. PRAISE her when she succeeds. Over time, this will get easier.

BTW, there are some great books on social shyness as well as books on stimulation. Your daughter sounds like she may be overstimulated by social interaction -- which is pretty common.

Best of luck!

J.

My 5 yr old son is similar, also with his friends at pre-K. I like the above suggestion of having her 'give' something to the family member as a way to break the ice. I'm also preparing my son for the interaction - before we enter the classroom I tell him, "your teachers and friends will be saying hello to you when they see you - what should you do?" and letting him think a bit about his response. I have a feeling they will both grow out of it and I think it helps that you and your husband are social people.

Best of luck to you! Please post an update!
N.

I have 4 children and my oldest and my youngest were like this. We did not believe in pushing them to do all this hugging either but it really bothered others. Now this is going to sound silly but put on some episodes of "Full House" they do alot of showing of affection on this show and somehow the kids realized it is ok to love each other and show love through this t.v. show. All of a sudden they were coming up to us and saying I love you with hugs. Once they got themselves comfortable with us they got comfortable extending these gestures to outside family members too, all on thier own. It all worked out and I contribute it to this Full House series.

My son has been this way as well, and what we have found is he is very sensitive to energy,and transitions are not the most comfortable times for him. I have no words of wisdom of it, except that what she is experiencing is real.
P.

Hi R.!

It does sound like she doesn't want to be around anyone. However, she is at an age where she knows the difference between right and wrong. You need to help guide her to "greet her family and friends". And if you know that she has trouble in these situations, then try to give her as MANY warnings/reminders before your home turns into an uproar. Don't forget to tell her what you EXPECT of her when everyone shows up.

My boy didn't like loud situations when they were young. They would've rathered come out later when everything was settled down. But that is not the example that I wanted them to learn, so I reminded them to be there with a hug when everyone arrived, then they could go off and play. That is what I expected of my boys, and because I let them know what I expected, they did it :o) And they still do it everytime we have company.

Anyway, you will just have to find the right way to talk to your daughter about it in a loving way. She obviously will be fine, because she's brave enough to get up on a stage!!!! She can work through it, but she needs your help. You don't want to give her the impression that it's "OK" to respond that way. Otherwise, you'll have a bigger battle on your hands.

Good Luck!

~N. :o)

Does she warm up to people after she has been in the same room with them for a while? My five year old is alot like your six year old, but I have noticed if we enter a room, even my parents house and she doesn't want to be social right off the bat, if everyone just leaves her alone for a little bit, she warms up and all the coolness melts away!

As an adult who used to be a child incredibly shy and uncomfortable is all social situations I can relate to your daughter. To this day, I do not like it when people I don't know well touch me. I have learned to keep my reactions in check, but I have to work hard not to flinch when someone I don't know touches me, even if it is just them putting their hand on my shoulder. I have no problem with close contact with loved ones, but even to this day feel uncomfortable around relatives that I don't see that often. Eye contact has never been easy for me and you may want to teach her to look just over their shoulder so it appears she is making eye contact, but doesn't get that uncomfortable feeling. That did help me a lot. My mom was very understanding of my shy behavior, but my dad not so much. He saw it as a sign of disrespect, so I was always more worried about social situations when around my dad, since I felt an added pressure to perform. I think the role playing ideas are good. They help to build confidence. I don't think you should ever make your daughter hug or kiss anyone she doesn't want to. I do think it is appropriate to make her greet your guests, but a simple hello with a wave should do it. I have gotten much less awkward in social situations but will always be a shy person. I do open up to close loved ones, so I am not lacking anything in my personal relationships. I just think you need to be patient and give her space and time to work this out on her own. Perhaps talk to those family members who may take it personally before they come, so that their reaction doesn't make her feel worse. I grew up with a very large extended family and they all just learned that I wasn't going to run into their arms every time I saw them. I am now seeing some of my own childhood behaviors in my daughter in social situations, so I will probably be dealing with all these issues soon (she is only 2 right now). For example, we see her Godfather on a regular basis, usually at least once if not twice a week, but she still won't let him hold her. He is a very loud rambunctious person and it just makes her uneasy. She is very comfortable at their house, as long as he doesn't ask for a hug or to pick her up. We just let her be near him and figure eventually she will come around. Just lots of patience and reassurance for her will help ease her discomfort and also not calling a lot of attention to the situation. My daughter doesn't even like it when we sing happy birthday to her at her birthday party. It was just too many people looking at her at once, she burst into tears. Good luck.

My 8 yr. old son and 5 yr. old daughter are both this way. My husband and I are both outgoing, so it's been a struggle for us to figure out how to handle our kids!

School has been a challenge. Our kids will likely never be very assertive in social situations, but they have improved much over the last couple of years. Our son is in 3rd grade and he is still fairly shy, but has his group of friends that he plays with and talks to, as well as his teacher and school staff. He is fine with family members he sees often (grandparents) but is still a little shy around aunties and uncles that he does not see on a regular basis.

Our daughter just started Kindergarden this year and she will speak to her teacher when she has to be tested, and she will now speak to a very few kids in her class. She didn't speak at all last year at preschool. Both kids are very smart, but just don't want to talk. (Of course, as soon as we get in the car they both talk non-stop!)

When in school or social settings, we remind both of them to have nice manners, and if someone speaks to you - as in "Hello" or "I like your dress" to say "Hi" back or "thank you". There is a difference between shyness and rudeness.

We don't force either child to have big talks with other people. they will usually warm up to that person once they have been around for awhile. But, it is on their terms, in their time.

Give your daughter reassurance that she is doing well when she does greet someone, remind her to have nice manners when she may forget, and be patient! It took our son until 2nd grade to really get involved with other kids and school, and our daughter is a work in progress!

Some kids just aren't as out going as others, and that is just one of the many ways that they are different and wonderful and unique.

Hi R.,

I have a daughter who behaved very similar to what you describe. She is now 9 and we tease her, lovingly, about her distinct personality style. One nickname she has acquired is "little stick" because even when she is hugged by her closest loved ones, she stands straight as a stick in response. At least she finally lets us hug her! She is now very comfortable with who she is especially since the rest of the family has come to accept her as she is and we all have a sense of humor about it.

My daughter just is an introvert. She is very bright and has always been extremely mature. She reads obsessively, prefers time alone to read or do other quiet activities and we respect that. Once in awhile she will take it upon herself to join the other kids around her doing something and she's in Girl Scouts which she loves but she must have her alone time or she can't cope. She has just recently started talking a bit to my father and others whom she previously couldn't utter a word to or look at. She also greets people appropriately now, but not at 6, as we were just patient but consistent. It doesn't seem to be torturing her anymore like it used to. She has come into her own.

At some point, and I'm sure someone else will mention it, we looked into whether she might be autistic as those are some of the classic signs. In our case I am certain she is not autistic and is just different to the average child.

I think being a stay at home mom, giving her time and love and attention is the best you can do for any child. It may take seemingly forever but all the teaching you do with her will eventually pay off.

Good luck with it all and feel free to contact me if you'd like to chat more about this.