Advice on How to Deal with 2 Year Old and Death of His Grandpa...

My father passed away and depending on how religous you are you may mention he was sick and is now in heaven. Thats what we told my sisters kids when my father passed. Thats the best and easiest thing to tell them and answer their questions as honestly as you want. Best wishes and good luck.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My daughter was 1yr old when my father died of terminal cancer. They were very close from the time she was born. I put together a 'Grandpa & Me' book that was actually given to my father on Father's Day (this fell between the time frame that my dad was diagnosed & died.) It included photos of them from her birth on, including vacations taken together, naps, holidays, etc; anything that showed their special bond. It was nice for my Dad when he was bedridden & too ill to do much anymore. After he died, the book came home with us. My daughter (now 3 1/2 yrs old) will regularly ask to look at the "Grandpa" book & it's a been a wonderful way to keep his memory alive for her. She's able to see how much he loved her & also able to ask questions at different levels of understanding as she grows; it allows her to open up/direct the conversation of death/grief as she is able to tolerate.

My father passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack when my first son was almost two. My dad passed away late at night and so my DS slept through the whole ordeal at my mom's house that night.

My son was really close to his Grandpa Byron and so I felt that it was important to be as truthful as possible with him and he attended the wake and funeral with us. We told him that God decided that it was time for Grandpa Byron to be up in heaven with him. I also told him that Grandpa Byron would always be keeping an eye on all of us and that he loves us.

(My DS #1 remembers that the one chair in the living room at my parents was the one that Grandpa always sat in, and my DS is 5 now.)

When DS #1 was scared of thunderstorms I would tell him it was just God and Grandpa Byron bowling.

We lived with my grandparents so my then 2yr was very close to his great grandpa. We did visits to the hospital, and were there when he passed. Be very honest about what is happening/will happen. It will be hard but let them attend the visitation/funeral. My son had a hard time at the cemetary he didn't want to leave grandpa by himself. Be prepared for strange questions like where are grandpa's legs (casket was closed on bottom half), can he go potty in heaven, can he eat. We expained that only grandpa's eathly body stays in the ground, and that God gives grandpa's spirit a new body as soon as he gets to heaven. One that works better, and no longer hurts. I found a book about what heaven is like (also touches on salvation)I liked that it is a very colorful book.
HEAVEN IS A WONDERFUL PLACE by joanne Marxhausen

A week after the funeral I got balloons and the the boys each wrote a note to granpa, What ever they wanted to say I wrote down. then we tied the note to the balloon, and released them.
I also found a little bear that has a book, and inside the book is a little poem for the child like its written from the loved one with a place for a photo. That went to bed with the 2yr old most nights, and when he missed granpa he could hold the bear.

also expect changes in behavior as well as regression in bedwetting. They may not happen, but be prepared.

Most of all just pray for peace and understanding.

STAM 3 boys

I'm sorry about your Father. My son is almost 4 (in March) and when he was 2 3/4 Grandpa Terry (my FIL) died, then GG (Great Grandma, my grandma) then after he turned 3, Granny (my MIL) died. And the cat...and the fish...and three great uncles (he didn't know them as well) - all within 6 months. So we've had some experience in a short time. Some died from cancer, some from complications from old age. He knows they are all angels in heaven and they're keeping him safe and loving him from heaven.

However, b/c so many people died in such a short period of time, he soon became concerned about death -- too much for a 2 or 3 year old. First we said they were sick and tried to explain cancer, but it was too complicated. Plus, he got very upset and frantic when I said Papa (my father) was sick (flu) b/c he thought Papa was going to die. Same thing when I got sick. So we didn't say "sick". Then we talked about them getting "old" but to him a lot of people are "old" and we didn't want him to think all his grandparents were about to drop dead (he was very worried about that too -- kept asking "Is Nonna (my mother) old? Is Buddy old? (the dog, yes, but he's not going to die yet)). So finally I landed on "exercize" as in "Granny died b/c she didn't exercize", which is partially true in a way. So when he asks if someone is going to die, I can point to my Dad and Mom "see, how Papa goes to the gym and skates with you? And Nonna does her exercizes with your? And Daddy and I go to the gym and play with you?" Even the dog and the baby exercize! The lack of exercize and movement made sense when the others died. This may not work for every family, but he seems to understand and accept this. I did try to explain that we're all going to die someday, but given all the death he's been exerience, it just made him so sad. A bit of truth, and a bit of redirection, given his age. And it make us have to keep exercizing too!

We did bring him to Granny's (his Grandmother) funeral. He was 3 and 2 months. It was at his church, he knew the priest, he knew Granny well and knew she was an angel. He did really well -- looked at her in the coffin and seemed to understand that her spirit was in heaven. We didn't take him to the burial (didn't want him to see her body actually going into the ground - too complicated to explain at the momment) but he has been to everyone's gravesite. I think it's important to still remember them, bring them flowers and talk about them.

Sorry this was so long! K.

My 80 yr. old dad died 2 yrs. ago after only being ill for 12 wks with fast acting small cell lung cancer. My then 4 yr. old grandson, who was my dad's 1st great-grandchild, were very close. My grandson is very outgoing so we convinced him to sit on great-grandpa's lap to sing him any songs he wanted to, and to tell Grandpa how much he loved him. Great-grandpa talked a little on the movie, but we were all so touched & in tears. We gave Grandpa the VHS tape to watch whenever he felt like it in the hospital, then after my dad passed away, we left the original with my mom & we made a copy to keep for our grandson to remember Grandpa. He play the movie about 2 times per yr. & grandson says he still remembers gardening with Grandpa & singing to him in the hospital before he died. Because Grandpa was a Christian believer we explained that Grandpa was very sick, and even though we were going to miss Grandpa a lot when he died, God was going to make Grandpa's sickness go away when he went to heaven, and God needed Grandpa to help Him with his gardens in heaven. When we all stood at the gravesite 1 yr. after dad died, the then 5 yr. old grandson heard all the adults talking about how much dad meant to them, and grandson spoke up & said he loved grandpa & missed him, but he wanted to know if it would be O.K. to sing grandpa another song so he won't get lonely. We said, "yes", and he beautifully sang (his own choice) "Over The Rainbow".

I am sorry for your loss. May God be with you helping you through these rough times ahead.

My 2 year old granddaughter lost her grandfather on her mother's side in August. She is young enough she doesn't really understand it all and at the out door graveside funeral she would clap and yell "yeah!" at the music and the 21 gun salute. Her grandfather loved that I am sure. They do understand that grandpa is gone and grandma misses him and mommy misses him... but we also found that she "sees" him. She would carry on conversations and share her toys with him. They asked where he was and she would point to an place where she was seeing him... next to grandma or over by the coffee table. She would wake up in the morning and say "good morning Ron" when she would spend the night there. I asked her doctor about it and he said it is not unusual for children her age to do this... whether she is seeing him or it is her way of dealing with the loss, we can't be sure, but she only did it there at his home. If your son starts doing this, don't down play it or tell him he doesn't see him, let him adjust to grandpa being gone in a way that he can handle. Sadly Grandpa Ron's house burned down 6 days before Christmas and she now says "grandma Marla's house burn down.. Sad" but doesn't seem to talk with Ron as much.

Fall of Freddy Leaf is a good book for the loss of a grandfather if you can find it. At his age he is probably going to react more to the sadness around him then realize anything like "grandpa went to live with Jesus" but I would still let him know that and that Grandpa lives in our hearts still. My daughter in laws niece is 4 and it was much harder on her. Even with all her grief she tried to comfort her grandma when she seen her crying. She said "grandma, grandpa isn't gone, he is just living in our hearts now".

I want to tell you how sorry I am, I can't imagine how difficult this might be for you. When my grandfathers passed away my daughter was 2 1/2 when the first one passed and 3 when the other one passed away. She was extremely close to one of them. I told her the her papa was up with the stars in heaven and that she could talk to him whenever she wanted. We called them her "wishing stars". Now, 12 years old, she will still look up at the stars and talk to her papa's on her wishing stars.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My daughter was almost three last September when her Great Grandmother died of Pulmonary Fibrosis. She was very close to her "Old Gramma" and I knew it would be difficult for her to understand. As the end approached, we took her to see Old Gramma one last time and explained that it was the last time she would see her and that she needed to make sure she told her how much she loved her. When she asked why she wouldn't see her anymore, we explained that her body was old and worn out and that it was time to go live in Heaven with Jesus. You have to explain Heaven in terms that kids that age will understand so we told her it was a wonderful place where Old Gramma gets to eat all the cookies and ice cream that she wants and the only bad part is that she can't see her anymore.

Our daughter seemed to accept and understand that explanation and if you ask her where Old Gramma is, she says "eating ice cream with Jesus." We did not take her to the funeral, because we didn't think she would understand that and we wanted her to remember her old gramma as she was when she was alive.

I just recommend that if you do take your child to see Grandpa one last time, make sure it isn't too close to the end - make sure they can still talk to one another and his appearance hasn't changed dramatically like it does when death is approaching.

Hi, I am sorry for your situation. Unfortunately, we lost my father-in-law 4 months ago to a heart attack at the age of 60. He and my son spent a great deal of time together. My son is 3. We told my son that we won't be able to see grandpa anymore except in pictures. We told him that we won't be able to talk to grandpa anymore either, but we can still look at pictures. We told him that people would be sad because we couldn't see or talk to grandpa anymore, and that was ok. People would be crying, but that was ok too. When we went to the visitation, we told him that grandpa would be in a box and we could look at him and touch him and talk to him but he wouldn't be able to talk to us. We told him that people would be crying and sad but it was ok. They were sad because they loved grandpa and will miss him. For the funeral, we told him that we were going to church and grandpa's box would be there and people would pray more for grandpa. At the cemetary we told him that we would have to put grandpa's box in the ground but we could go visit the cemetary and talk to grandpa, even though we can't see him anymore and he can't talk back to us. From everything we read when it suddenly happened to us, the common advice was to give the information he needs and then wait for him to ask questions. Do not tell him that grandpa went to sleep as that may scare him that when he goes to sleep he won't wake up either. Also don't tell him that grandpa had to go away for the same reason. Be prepared for behaviors to increase, as it is difficult for kids at that age to express their feelings or to even fully understand why they are feeling the way they are. Encourage him to talk about how he feels and just be ready to roll with the behaviors. We had to let a lot of behaviors slide that we normally would have punished him for, such as hitting and throwing toys. We are going to get a nice picture of my son and grandpa in a frame and set it on his dresser so that he can always see grandpa and remember him. It is not something that I would wish on anybody to have to go through and I'm very sorry you have to go through it. Good luck.

I took my 3 year old to my grandmother's funeral. I was going to leave him downstairs for the viewing, but he was too interested in what my cousins (all much older than he is--adults) were doing, and when he went upstairs, he loudly said, "Are those her bones?" She was in her 80s and had congenital heart failure, so most of the people there were my family or friends of my aunts and uncles--and very understanding. First, I would make the choice about whether he goes or not. If there are three sections--viewing, funeral, burial--decide which ones he might attend. I thought the burial might be scary (plus it was cold--February), so we skipped it. Also, I considered how I would handle things. This was my grandmother, not my parent, and I knew she was ready to die. My son is very aware of my feelings, and if I had not been able to keep my grief somewhat in check, he would probably have been very upset. I told him people would be crying, and it was because they were sad they wouldn't see her for a long time, until we all get to heaven. He accepted that, and had no problems with me crying. But...I was not so emotional at the funeral that my focus couldn't be on my children, and I think that was important. Is there family that might be willing to take your children at the funeral, so they can be present, but be removed so that you can grieve as your father's child, rather than as your child's mother? Also, we spent a lot of time talking about heaven, and God, and got pretty darn in depth--he asked a LOT of questions for a LONG time. But we just tried to be honest according to our values and beliefs, and he seems, now, a year later, to have a fairly healthy view of death. I took him to the viewing and the funeral, and told him the funeral was a church service where we say good bye adn commit the person to God. Good luck, and my condolences for the loss of your father.

maria shriver has writtten the most beautiful book for children about death...it's called what's heaven. it explains death for all beliefs!!!

I don't have any personal experience with this and my child, yet. Try doing a google search for this topic. I did that for the death of a pet, and it brought up a whole bunch of links to go to. So I'm sure they would have the same for this situation.

I am so sorry.

My friend - a kindergarten teacher - had the BEST idea when she was goign thru this with her son. She used a puppet. She showed her kids the puppet and explained that is like our bodies. She put her hand inside it and said that we area really alive when our heart/spirit is inside us and God living in us. She explained that when we die, (she pulled her hand out of the puppet) our bodies may be there still but we go on to live in heaven with God. I think this really helped her kids, maybe it can help you too. Best wishes and blessings to you!

Hi there,
We went through this a couple of years ago with my Mom. My Mom was actually daycare for our son until she was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. It was really hard for my son to understand what happened and in fact he still asks about his Nanna. We told him that she had to go live with the angels but that she would always be with us even though we can't see her and that she loves us very very much. As I said he still asks about her a lot. We did let him come to the funeral because we knew my Mom would want him to come and because we wanted him to have a chance to say goodbye. I did find a few books but none of them really applied for our situation but you might find some that work for you a bit better. Barnes and Noble has a section of "growing up" books in the kids department and that's where we found books explaining death and illness. We tried to be as honest as we could with our son and we also tried to make sure he got to see my Mom as often as possible until she could no longer respond to him (we decided that he would be more confused when she couldn't respond to him anymore). It's a very hard thing to lose a parent. The best thing you can do for your family is to make sure you are taking care of yourself. My prayers are with all of you. Good luck and take care.

tell the child the plain an simple truth...its a sad part of life...dont suger coat it....jmo

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. My mother in law died a year ago December of pancreatic cancer after a fast progression. My daughter was 2 when she passed. At that age the concept is really hard for them to comprehend. Even though we all went to the funeral she didn't make the connection. She wanted to see Grandma again tomorrow.
I talked to her and explained that Grandma went to heaven with our birdie and cat. We have a picture of my mother in law here hanging on the wall and now that she is 3 she will look at it and say Grandma Kathy is in heaven. So as time passes her comprehension is catching up. The death was the hardest for my 9 year old. A friend recommended a book but I can't recall the title. Maybe try searching Amazon or ebay for it.

Lost my 62 year old mom when my son was 2 also. Just be honest about your feelings. I talked about how Grandma was going to heaven & to be our angel. I tried not to hide my tears (even still) He still doesn't completely understand. (he is 4 now.)but he also isn't afraid to talk about it.

We went through this with my husband's grandpa this past spring. My oldest was almost three at that point. He knew what doctors do, "they help fix people when they are sick". I explained to him that sometimes doctors can't fix people when they have cancer, and that's what Papa has. I also told him that the only one who could make Papa feel better is Jesus. So Jesus was going to let us hug Papa a little while longer, but then he will take him to heaven and Papa won't be sick anymore. We read kid stories about how Jesus went to heaven after he died and his disciples didn't see him anymore, but they could still talk to him and he would hear them. We talked about it off and on for a while and he now will look at pictures and say Papa's with Jesus, so he's not sick anymore. He feels better. At the funeral, I explained that we will get to see Papa's body and kiss him goodbye. Papa won't be able to talk to you, because it's just his body. I hope this helps, just explain it the best way you think your little one will somewhat grasp it.

My daughter was 3 months short of her 3rd b-day when my Dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. We explained to her that Grandpa was very sick with something called cancer. As his symptoms progressed we would explain about his hair falling out, his grumpiness, and his forgetfullness when it spread to his brain. There were certainly times when I would have to visit without her because his mood just could not handle a very active toddler. But, they also had some very tender moments of him reading to her while on his lap. We just tried to be very honest and upfront with her explaining things as she could understand them. The night he passed away he went into respiratory distress due to a blood clot in his lung. He probably would've had a couple more months before the cancer took him, but we all decided to let him go instead of see him in more pain later. So, with all of us (my Mom, brother, husband, and our then 3 1/2 old daughter in his hospital room, we all took turns saying goodbye. My daughter got up on the bed and gave him a kiss. Then the nurse unhooked his oxygen and we watched him pass on. I believe that letting my daughter be there with us really helped her understand her Grandpa not being around and helped her be stronger at the funeral as well. I understand that not all children will react as well as my daughter did but I do believe that that kind of openness and honesty really helped her. I think kids can sense if we are hiding things when something is obviously wrong and like to be included.
I hope this helps you and I am sorry for everything you will be going through. Enjoy the time you have left and do not leave anything unsaid.