Advice on "Mean Girls."

Had this problem with my daughter at the same age. And this is what I told her over and over. You're going to have to get some attitude. You don't want them to become mean, nasty, or ugly. But, just stop being timid. It finaly worked and I'm proud to say she is a very confidence young lady.

It is hard but I would really stay out of it unless it becomes physical, then take it to the principle. Next week they will be friends again.

You have received great advice I have a daughter who is 13 yrs old and unfortunately this is the times they live in it can be rough in middle school I try to keep open communicstion with her each and every day so that if something is going on I can give advice right away. I have to thank you because I have been on this site and was planning to discontinued because it seemed to cater more towards younger children.

V.

I see that you have gotten a lot of great responses. I just want to add one more recomendation, as a mother to a daughter as well as a former 7th and 8th grade teacher, I have seen "mean girls" at their finest. But I have also seen confident girls who were not in the so called "in" crowd able to navigate these waters beautifully. It is soooooo important that we as parents continually seek ways to build up our daughters. One of the best books I have read on this subject is called "Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls." It is by Mary Pipher. This is a MUST read for any parents of girls before they enter those tumultous middle school years. Good luck.

It isn't OK and it isn't normal and if you are hearing about it, you are only hearing the tip of the iceberg. The predatory girls are experts at picking their spots when nobody is around.
Barbara Coloroso has a book, "The bully, the bullied, and the bystander". It is great and covers pre-school to HS. She talks about how the victims get blamed too. She came to speak to my daughters elem. school b/c the parents association brought her in!(some other schools chipped in to make it happen)

My daughter was being harassed in Kindergarden! The bully was abused and disturbed and wreaks havoc in the classroom. If she was called on anything she would cry hysterically. I have pity for her but not at the expense of my daughter. My daughter stood up to her when she was making another little girl sit on a stump and she turned on my daughter telling her robbers in the trees(on the playground) would cut her and make her bleed. She only told us that nugget 3 months later in the summer when she felt "safe". Up until then we had only had small comments about the girl being mean. I now write down everything I hear w/ a date, have met with the teacher and principal and go out of my way to set up play dates with nice kids. After a while both kids really wanted a play date(in 1st grade) and I had put it off for 4 months so she came over and we did an arts project in the kitchen where they needed my help so I was there the whole time.
To all the moms - don't home school b/c of bullies we all need all the nice girls in school we can get! WE have to talk to other moms(it so much more common than we think) and then to the teachers and principals and make this stop. I checked w/ other moms and realized this kid was terrorizing lots of kids.
The school needs that kind of information to be empowered to do something! The school want to be zero tolerance but can't be without our help.

T.,
I know you received lots of good advice already, but I have been working with a group from my Junior League Organization that has paired up with the University of Michigan to pilot a program on relational agression for girls. They have speakers that come to the schools, PTO meetings, etc. and give more information. There are also regularly scheduled workshops for Moms and Daughters to attend. It's called Strong Moms, Strong Girls and has been very effective in our area. Go to the website to find out more and if you are in the participating area:
strongmomsstronggirls.org.
Sue

Our family is also going through this with our 4th grader. This is what I told her...

When I was her age, a girl in my class was really mean to me. She egged my house, yelled at me in front of my friends, and spread nasty rumors. I decided to respond to whatever she said with kindness. If she called me bad names, I just smiled and said "thanks." If she yelled at me, I would say that I hope her day got better. She was so confused by my behavior that she stopped altogether. We even became friends. Sometimes killing the problem with kindness is the best way to go.

I also reminded my daughter that usually people are being mean because of something that is going on with them. The girl might be jealous of your daughter's other friends, or angry with something that is happening at home. I tell my daughter that as long as she knows the truth about herself, no words can hurt her.

I know there have been many answers on this subject but I have been through this with my daughter and sadly she was changed forever because of the many ugly things that were said and done to her by other girls in the community.
Rumors that she was having sex, rumors about her body, people impersonating her on her IM, (I saw with my own eyes someone using your IM name and pretending to be her and saying foul, evil things that then gave her a very bad reputations. My heart broke as she cried over what was being said.
Junior high just got worse. I finally moved her to another school but then she was so upset that she refused to make friends with girls. Refused to be a part of any activities with other people, church, clubs etc. She became very shy and depressed. She is now 17 and finishing high school online because she has not gotten over it. ( she has been in counseling)
Here is the food for thought: Where are our girls going to get their role models to interact? Who is teaching them
( TV? MOVIES?) It is scary.
I had the idea that I should not intervene unless things got physical but found that it was too late. She had been emotionally damaged. We were unable to prove who was doing it at the time. So I was not sure who to go to to complain. The school did nothing. More than 30% of Americans are on some kind of antianxiety or antidepressant meds. Many more of these people are children. WHY?? What are we doing wrong?

I think the only hope is if we as moms step in and make sure that there are safe places and events to teach our kids that they do matter and that this kind of bullying behavior is NOT something that we will stand for. Yes kids need tougher skins but why are we as adults tolerating these kinds of behaviors. Why are schools not doing more? Why are we as parents not doing more?
I do not have the answers but I just pray that each of you works very hard to teach your children accountability for their actions and that bullying in any form is unacceptable. And there is tremendous diversity in this world and that is what makes this world unique and interesting and wonderful!!! Teach Tolerance and we have a chance to reduce our stress and fear. Take every opportunity to stop childrens mean and uncaring attitudes and commend them for good kind actions.
BARBIE

Hi, T.. I haven't read all the responses you've gotten, so I apologize if what I have to say is a repeat of what you've already heard. I just wanted to add to the discussion on whether or not to call another child's parents.

I've only done this once or twice. For the most part, I encourage and "coach" my kids from the social sidelines. But, there are times when a call to another parent seems in order.

When I have done this, I always start by asking the other parent what they have heard from their child about my child. I want to make sure that there's nothing that my child may have said or done to bring on the negative behavior.

After that, I launch into a description of the other child's behavior by saying something like, "I would want to know if my child was being hurtful to another child, so I could help him/her make better choices. So, in that spirit...."

This has done wonders to soften the other parent to hear something they don't want to hear about their child. Many times, the parent of a mean child has absolutely no idea that his/her child has been mistreating others. If more parents were willing to address these situations with other parents, the bullying would stop sooner!

Hi T.,

Just thought I'd mention what worked for us. I called the school counselor and explained everything. She pulled all the girls out of class (all 4th graders, just like yours!) and did a wonderful job of helping make the situation better. Plus, I felt that someone at school at least knew what was going on, but I wasn't whining to the teacher.

Also, for Christmas I got my daughter an American Girls book called "The Girl's Guide to Friendship...". It is on Amazon. It is a book written to be fun and interesting for her age, but reinforces the values and ways of handling things that I keep trying to teach her. This way, she is getting the same info from 3 places - home, school, and a book by those American Girls she is all into. Fifth grade has been wonderful. She has really shown a lot of maturity in this area. Sometimes she comes home mad, but it doesn't last more than 5 or 10 minutes. We have had NO TEARS!!! Good luck!

I have three daughters (16, 13, 8) so believe me, I know what you are going through. My advice depends on the ages of your daughters... my youngest has had her feelings deeply hurt by a couple of her favorite friends, and both times I have invited the girl and her mother to meet us for ice cream or hot chocolate on neutral territory, so we can have some fun together then address the situation. We've allowed each girl to offer her side of the story, then we provide suggestions on what might have been said or done instead, to avoid the hurt feelings. Each time the girls have ended up talking and laughing together, making plans for future fun.

Unfortunately, when the girls get older (around 4th grade or so), it becomes embarrassing for a parent to intervene, and by 7th grade the meanness seems to peak. Around 8th grade the girls start to figure out who their real friends are. High school kids are much less catty and are more comfortable with themselves. They don't seem to need to put each other down to build themselves up anymore. I would encourage your girls to find activities they enjoy and excel in -- as time passes these activities (ex. sports or music or theater) become more and more time consuming and they will meet friends they enjoy in their activities; meanwhile you will meet parents when you're there watching the sporting event and make new friends yourself. It's a hard road, and it's painful to watch your child getting hurt, but eventually it will pass. Your girls are fortunate to have each other and you to fall back on when times are tough.

I am a sixth grade teacher and this is definitely normal. I think at my school at least it peaks in sixth and seventh grade. We are a middle school (5th-8th) so the fifth graders are still a little young just coming out of elementary and the eighth graders are starting to figure out that it doesn't matter. Spring of sixth grade though is a nightmare for girls.

I recently read the best book about this -- "Queen Bees and Wannabees." It helps to see where the kids are coming from. This is the book that the movie "Mean Girls" is based on. If you have not watched the movie, watch it with your girls. Help them to identify who they are and who their friends are in the movie. It can be quite telling. Helping your girls to figure out what behaviors they are exhibiting can help them to become more confident and strong in themselves. If they can learn to understand why other kids act the way they do, they will be more understanding and learn not to let as many of the comments and things bother them.

Another thing that I know was mentioned -- I truly believe that instant messaging, text messaging, email, websites, etc. are the worst thing that ever could have happened to middle school kids! My students have no concept that these things they post are out in cyberspace for the whole world to see. They think they are free to say anything they want about anyone since it isn't "face to face." Monitor all messages/websites and make sure your girls understand that if you wouldn't say it to the person's face you can't say it online either.

Good luck!

There is a company called 'girls empowered' that holds classes, teaching girls how to handle themselves in this type of situation. I've heard good things about the very affordable programs, and understand that they give practical advice that the girls can use. Their website is girlsempowered.com. I hope you check it out. There are definitely things that you can do to help, it is far from hopeless. It is great that you are spotting the problem and trying to address it, keep it up and this hurdle will be crossed. Good luck!

Start taking all 3 kids and yourself - and their dad if possible - on regular nature hikes. In my world the dad attending is impossible so i understand if it's just you and the kids. They probably won't get it at first - but there's something about walking in the outdoors that helps to bring sense into our lives. Provoke conversations. Go there. Remember what we were thinking when we were young girls? It has unfortunately gone to a scary level these days. Daughters will be their mother's best friend throughout their lives. Get out there, I've seen this country almost entirely - there's always a place to walk around. With time, these encounters can form a stabilization in confusing times. I may sound nuts, but I do recommend that you try it. P.S. I live in the northeast so I understand how cold it is outside right now. So replace it with hot cocoa time, or sipping a great cup of coffee during the breakfast/chat time, or introduce each other to personal favorite musicians, etc... break the ice somehow - just help them to realize that you will always have a listening ear, a shoulder, a hug, a kleenex, and a possible relating story from your past. I think that once girls start feeling isolated they need us most.

I have certainly seen this behavior in school but it never happened to me and I think I know why. I was raised to be very independent and confident. While it is important to be a good girl, it is more important for girls to know who they are and like that person. By all means, I should have been the victim (freckles & always a bit overweight). It just never occurred to me that I wasn't fabulous just the way I was. I am not sure how this is taught, other than by example, but I always just assumed I would be accepted in social situations. I still feel that way. Perhaps we need to find the thing that makes our child feel like a star and encourage it. I also remember that my parents taught us to stand up for people being picked on. One of my best friends today is a gal I stood up for against the school bullies when we were in elementary school. I had completely forgotten about it until she talked about it a few years ago. Teach your girls to be outspoken about what they think are wrongs. Encourage them to have opinions even if you don't agree. Expose them to different ideas and cultures and be amazed at how it changes their view. Just my opinion. I hope things work out ok. They are already ahead of the game having a parent who cares enough to intervene.

I was picked on by this bully in 6th grade(our first yr of Jr high) one of my teachers saw it and put us together to do a social studies project(where we would have to go back and forth to each others home for a few weeks)- of course I was terrified but we became best friends in those 2 weeks and stayed best friends for 3 yrs until she moved away, but we have been friends to this day. I am so glad that teacher did that, otherwise Jr High would have been real long. Invite the worst bully to your house and have something really fun planned, it may change things around and change all the others in the bullys circle.
But I also recommend finding a good bible study, ours is Sundays and Wed nights, the kids love it(they do fun stuff, like broom ball on ice etc.) and everyone is accepted so they get to be themselves without worry and get to see how everyone SHOULD be treated.

My daughter still bears the scars of being hurt in a private school she attended K-2nd grades. Then we moved here to TX and went to public. It hasn't been AS bad here - but there has been drama.
My advice: Raise CONFIDENT young ladies!! My 11 year old daughter told me the other day that she is a Nerd and proud of it! She is on the math & science team and not athletic at all. She is confident and strong and I am SO proud of the choices that she makes when choosing friends! She doesn't care now what anyone thinks of her!
I've read all these responses and I agree having them stand up for themselves to a certain degree too. Sometimes all it takes is one smart reply and the bully will back off. I can tell you honestly - I was terrorized as a child! Kids were SO mean to me. But then I found good close friends in Jr. high and high school.
Hang in there T.! Tell your daughter all the time how wonderful, smart, beautiful and great she is - and how proud of her you are. That helps a lot!
hugs!
E.

T.,

I am a teacher and have taught 4th and 5th grade. My advice as a teacher and a mom...find out the extent of the teasing and things being said...bullying is bullying and all schools have a zero tolerance to it!!! Do not wait for physical involvement...emotional bullying can be more detrimental!! I taught in Littleton, Colorado and due to certain "situations" that occurred we were sent to many seminars on bullying and if emotionally your children are feeling that things are hurting them it is time to be involved. Do not attempt to go to the parents right away..your first step is the teacher and then the principal. Make it clear that you want them to "watch" the situation for a week and then check back to see what they have seen. It IS THEIR JOB to teach children to behave and get along socially! That is what we are paid for. Sure it would help if your children could develop this tough skin and just brush it off..but a lot of times they cannot and will not. The teacher should be working on deterring this behavior and it might be time to let him/her know that it is happening. Sometimes things happen on the playground or in letters and the teacher is just not aware of the situation. Make it clear that you do not want these girls pulled aside and told to be nice...that you want it to be general and to the whole class. If it continues or gets worse...take another step. NEVER underestimate the power of words on a child and the emotional scars I have seen as early as 4th grade on some children. There is nothing wrong with being different as long as your child feels that someone is there for them. If it is bad enough for them to come to you...feel lucky they feel comfortable enough to do that!! It is their way of asking for help. You do not even need to let your child know that you are talking to the teacher. I do not believe there is a teacher out there that will not understand why you are calling given today's situation and view on bullying!!
Good luck.

Hey T. ~

I have SO been there! I can totally relate to your exasperation!! My daughter is an only child and TREASURES every friend she ever makes. To add insult to injury for loneliness that 'onlies' can sometimes endure, I was also raising my daughter alone for 9 years after divorcing her dad. My daughter and I are thick as thieves and I have always gone to great lengths to make her strong and independent and to think for herself. I had her in private school from nursery through 5th grade which was last year. We moved from Queens to Long Island as I was remarrying. Changing schools couldn't have come at a better time. My daughter was always a good student and achieving the honor roll, the 'friends', however, were a tremendous drain on both of us in our daily lives. It all began in 4th grade when a new student arrived in the very small, clicky, private school. My daughter had already been attending since kindergarten and had friends. From that time on through the entire 5th grade, all we had was trouble with the 'bffs'. It was postively ridiculous what went on. My daughter, as do yours, would come home crying quite regularly. I too was friendly with one of the parents of the child involved and I cut it off because it got me nowhere but angry. She thought the sun rose and set on her snotty little angel when in fact she was a problem to many around her including teachers and staff, and other students. What was more frustrating was the fact that I was paying tuition for this fabulous private school and my daughter was miserable. It wasn't the school, it was two girls in particular that were downright cruel. Although I miss the setting of the private school and the comfort of knowing the staff and teachers personally, I couldn't be happier that we moved away and my daughter has acclimated wonderfully in 6th grade. She has made new, NICE friends and has twice been on the principal's list since school started in September. Although she misses her old school as well and her good, true friends there, she is very happy and well adjusted now. Hang in there. It does get better. Kids are SO cruel to each other. Just keep reminding your daughters that when their so called 'friends' are being cruel, that it is a weakness and insecurity within themselves to be cruel and not kind to others. I would say that to my daughter regularly and she would say, "I know what you're saying mom, but I'm not a mean person so it really hurts me when my friends are mean to ME!" She has matured enough in the past several months to understand that someone who is mean and cruel is not your friend and she doesn't associate with those types of girls anymore. Good luck to you! Better days are coming! :)

Hi, T.! I am an older Mom with no children left at home. However, my middle child would often come home and tell me how terrible school was, etc. etc. At wits end, I finally decided to change her perspective. So, when she would come home and tell me about a horrible incident, I would sympathisize, then ask her about how long the incident lasted. It was usually a short period of time. I was finally able to get her to see that the whole day wasn't so horrible. Then we would spend some time together reading or another activity that we liked. This little intervention would reset the tone for the rest of the evening. Every child goes through times when they have friendship difficulties. Just keep encouraging her to be a good friend and complimenting her on what a wonderful person she is to have as a friend. Me

Hi T.. We have 7 girls and I have seen this alot over the years. It seems to be getting worse in the past year. We have a 14 yr old, 9yr old and 8 yr old all going thruogh this to varying degrees. The 9 year old was getting the most harrassment. After a meeting at school, we were told our child started it all. That explains why she comes home in tears right? All the other girls are from wealthy families in a small town. So the teachers saw nothing but beleived the other girls who gang up on our daughter. Now we know she is not 100% innocent, but we also know she would not come home in tears with bruises if she started everything. THe advice we were given was to put her in counselling to solve her issues. So I know where you are at. That said contacting parents seems to be taboo, and embarrasses our kids. THe parents of these children are also in denial. My suggestion is to try to get all the girls together with the teacher or principle and have him/her set rules for appropriate behavior and have the girls sign a "contract" to be nice to others. And consequences for misbehavior-loss of freetime, letters to parents whatever. I have come to the point where homeschooling is the choice I have made for my youngest. I know it's not everyones answer but personally I have had it with public school. Good luck.

I went through a difficult time from 5th grade to 8th grade with supposed best friends being down right evil towards me and another supposed best friend. I usually kept it to myself b/c I have always been very quiet and new if I told my mom she would call the parents. Depending on the age of the girls< I feel depends on your involvement. If they are young like first or second grade you probably could approach the parents without the bully getting out of hand. I feel the younger the child the easier it is to instill a lesson and help them to realize what they are doing is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. But in my case I finally realized that I didn't need them as friends and made friends with the other girls in my class. It was the best way to get back at them. They never saw it coming and couldn't believe I no longer wanted to be there friend. SO if they are in junior high tell them to stop being friends with them. That the other girls in the class will be just as fun and nicer.

Now I have dealt with a bully situation within my family with my 3 year old son. My aunt has a 6 year old daughter that is a bully. It has nothing to do with my aunts upbringing. She has an 8 year old daughter that is as sweet as can be and would never intentionally be outright mean to another child. Her 6 year old has a mean streak and we have all known it since she was 2 or 3 years old. She will say things to intentionally hurt the other person. She thinks its funny or something. So anyway since my son was a 12 months old and walking my aunts 6 year old would ignore him and no include him b/c he was a boy. When he was to young to understand what was happening I let it go. My cousin has a daughter who is the same age as my son and my aunts daughter is always very nice to her and wants to play with her. So right from the start I new it was b/c he was a boy. At my sons 3rd birthday party my husband witnessed her telling him to get out of his room that no one wanted him there or wanted to play with him. SInce my husband is the in-law he didn't know what to do and didn't reprimand her but told my son to come with him. For the rest of the party my son was moping around and unhappy. Which no one but my husband new why but it was obvious something was bothering him. So after the party my husband told me of what happened and what she said to my son. Of course I was very angry but not surprised b/c of past instances and her tendency to be nasty to anyone and everyone. So I made a phone call to my aunt who was outraged at her behavior and instantly went to talk to her. That was last May and since then her daughter has not said one mean thing to him and has actually included him in activities, even her Birthday party. Since it was within the family it made it a little easier to make the call and also since the bully was only 6 years old.

If you notice the tendency for your child to be a bully early on hopefully you can nip it in the butt. Otherwise if they are older just encourage your daughters to make new friends. And 3's always a crowd. The problems I faced in junior high were always with 2 girls who would gang up on the third wheel. Myself and this other girl would rotate. WHen there were four of is together it didn't happen.

I think this is one of the hardest things to deal with. Good Luck!

I definitely think you should talk to their teacher(s) about this. The adults in the school might not be aware of the situation going on. Kids are very good at waiting until no one's paying attention, to do things that they know aren't acceptable. I used to teach 5th grade as well, and it was exhausting to me to see all of this catty behavior among most of the girls. The ones who seemed to stay out of trouble were the ones focused most on their school work, and not so much on the social scene. Maybe your daughters can hang out more with the "book worms". These kids always seemed to be the sweet ones, staying out of the drama. My prayers go out for you!

beleive me it happens to boys as well. When my son was in jr. high the boys would pick on him because he would not be presurred into doing the things they wanted to do. They even knocked his glasses off and broke them. I went to talk with his teacher about it. That did not help at all. We struggled with this for along time. One day my son said that one of the boys wanted to fight him after school. I was at the end of my rope. So I told him to go ahead and meat the boy at the football field and get it over with. When my son agreed he went to the football field and the bully did not show. My son never had anymore trouble. The bully that wanted to fight my son was the son of the same guy that use to bully my son's dad when we were in high school. I don't know; maybe sometimes you just have to call their bluffs.

Hi T.,
I was so releived to read your request. I have two girls in the school system and this "BFF" stuff is exhausteing! I am happy to read it is quite "normal" for our girls to be friends with someone one minute and not so much friends the next. My 11 year old is into e-mailing her friends right now. I monitor the e-mails constantly and I could not believe what was being said through e-mail. A couple of girls were writing mean things to my daughter and then in school acting like her best friend. I thought it was quite psychotic really, but learned by talking with other moms that they were all experiencing the same thing with their daughters. I talked with one mom of one of the girls and let her know her daughter was writing nasty e-mails to my daughter and she at first said "not my daughter" and then checked her daughters "sent" items and could not believe what she saw. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you were not alone in this and have a feeling it is only going to get worse for a while. Hang in there and just make sure you build up your own daughters confidence. I tell my daughters to hold their head high and avoid "mean" people. Good luck!

Hi..... I wish I had this site when My Daughter was going through all the stress at school with the mean girls ...HORRIBLE..... describes it My daughter is now in 10th Grade and Happy... BUT in 5th 6th 7th grades it was a NIGHTMARE....My daughter was in bad shape i had to put her on a anti-depressant in 6th grade thats how bad it got...If you have Never seen the Movie from Lifetime ODD GIRL OUT you need to rent it It really made my Daughter feel stronger...I mean It is sad ,a true story BUT with a great positive ending ...WE love it ...I have another Daughter that is in 5th grade now that is going though different problems but with the experience with the 1st daughter we learned alot how to deal with it also she watched ODD GIRL OUT as well....You need to nip it in the bud right away !!! The big thing in that movie was the words at the end "you don't have anything I want"
We went to the school councellors Office and had them bring all the girls in the office to talk over their problems...My daughter was freaking out that we did this BUT at the end it worked out good ...The girls started leaving her alone and actually in time they wanted to be her friend...She is not close hanging out friends BUT she did except them as friends in the end ...I am proud of her....High School is so much easier on her Thank God...Please write me if you want to talk or if I can help with anything ok =) P.

OMG I am going through the same thing. My daughter is in 1st grade and there are two other girls on our street in the first grade. Since babies they have been really close but this year when the 3 of them are together there is always some sort of fight. TO make it worse their mothers insist on doing EVERYTHING together (gynmastics, CCD). I am going to separate my daughter I think. It makes me feel better that this stuff usually works bout by fifth grade. Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone.

Jenn Smith
www.stayinhomeandlovinit.com/jennsmith34

why should you spare the feelings of your friends, when your daughters are being hurt??? I would talk to the parents about it right away!!! I 'm sure you all can come up with something to do. Their mothers should know about it so they can deal with their daughters. I have a lot of close friends, but my kids come first. Good luck

My daughter was a called a B*tch in Kindergarden and punched by a boy. The teacher was too busy to even see what was going on. But yep, these girls can be catty! I try to remind my daughter that teasing other people is not nice and put herself in their shoes. I also tell her to ignore the ones who are not nice. Its not worth her time. She is friends with practically every girl and boy in her grade and some above and below her. So right now, the issues are minimal, but she can be over bearing which worries me for the future.

I wouldnt step in unless it becomes and issue of one of the girls being harmed. This is the right age for them to learn how to cope with mean girls and practice those ignoring skills. Remind them that those girls are probably just jealous of them and thats how they act. And keep encouraging your girls to be open with you...its important that they know they can tell you anything:)

I would have a play date with some of the girl, and keep a close watch on them . So when the other girls say something out of line or hurt someone feeling, then you step in and voice your opinion in a positive way and ask if she would want to be talk to that way, and then talk to her parent about what happen

i would step

T.,
You have received a ton of awesome advice! I just want to add one more thing that I do when my daughter comes home with the same drama. In addition to some of the things mentioned by other moms, we sit down and talk about friendship and the power that she has to make choices of who those friends may be. I also always make sure to point out that she should remember these feelings and this experience when she is choosing how to treat others. Good Luck and try to remember, as loving moms sometimes watching them go through it is harder on us than it is on them! :)

Hi T.,

I have two girls in college and remember this type of behavior. I would definitely talk to the mother/s - not accusing, but rather a concerned approach - stating it is typical and asking for advice. Another idea would be to talk to the school counsellor. Taming the meanies at this age is tough. I would get on line and search what might be out there. Keep communications open with your child repeating back her feelings so she is secure knowing you understand her and are there for her. I told my girls to avoid those negative people and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are. Good luck. They will eventually grow out of it.

I have three girls ages 12, 10 & 10. I have encouraged my daughters to not let these "Mean Girls" say bad things to them. When my oldest was in Kindergarten a girl told her she was fat and had one eyebrow. I told my daughter to say thank you and walk away & and not to be freinds with this girl.

It is so hard when you are friendly with the Moms but if it is always the same girl you just need to distance yourself from the mom and tell your daughter to find nice girls. I have spoke to other Moms about our girls not getting along and it has worked.

But this sounds more then just girl stuff if your girls are crying. I think your girls need to stand up for themselves and not tolerate this. Good Luck
C.
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Hi T.. I have 3 girls (2 in elementary school) and it's very normal. I think that between K-3 grade is where the most problems of the BFF stuff are. By the time the girls get to 4th and 5th grade they seem to figure out who really is a "true" friend and the BFF. It's really hurtful and I know how much you want to jump in and work it all out, but I agree with the others, that as long as nobody is physically getting hurt, stand back, take a deep breath because an hour later, they are all friends again. My oldest is in 5th grade and by last year she had finally found/realized who her closest friends were. She made the best judgements because I like all her friends and they are good kids. When they are younger, they want to be friendly with everyone. She now sees that some of the girls she thought were her friends are really not so nice anymore and are still hurting people's feelings, etc. but she cares less because she found more genuine friends. It will all work out. BUT, if someone should get hurt (physcially), most schools have a zero tolerance policy and things should be reported immediately! Good luck.

my daughter is only 2, so i have a long way to go before i have to deal with this (hopefully!). another suggestion is to make sure that your children are in some activity where they can build their confidence (girl scouts or something similar, choir, dance) and meet kids with similar interest maybe that even go to other schools. this helps kids on a number of levels, but it can also "broaden" their horizons about what type of people there are and who they want to be friends with.

Hi T.,

I'm a fifth grade teacher and I believe you should speak to your daughter's teacher and if isn't resolved you should ask to have a meeting with the parents if this is a school issue. Also, speak with your daughters and let them know that everyone goes through girls being mean. Reassure them everything will be ok, but this is constantly happening I would speak to the parents because this is going only get worse. Maybe have a play date to get to know the child and parents, because some children always turn out in the long run being friends.

S.

Hi T.!

So I sat here reading all your responses, drinking coffee &
carefully understanding each & every e-mail comment. I too have been through some nasty bullies with my 7th greade daughter. Not to mention, the main one......her mom & I are good friends too! I never said anything to the mother. However, I watch everything carefully! Thx for bringing up a great topic & best of luck to you & your daughter! Just remember, "time heals"! This too shall pass!

S. H :)

Hi T.!

I have experienced this in two ways, one as a 6th grade teacher and two as that child who was picked on. I will start with me as a girl and the steps taken by my family.

I was that girl who was raised in a wealthy neighborhood but had very little money. EVERY girl turned on me in 7th grade. My older sister (my mom work several jobs so she was not always available) started making plans with one of the girls older sisters and bringing me along. Our first outing was to the movies, just my sister, one of the meanest girls in the world :) , and her sister. After several after school activities this girl and I became close friends. My sister was also picked on at this very age and knew the pain I was going through. Maybe you can create a different environment for the girls outside of school to interact? Just a thought

As for school relationships, I was VERY vigilent on creating a safe environment for all my students. Many times I had no idea what played out on the playground. Make sure to keep your child's teacher in the loop. Let her/him know, they may have a behavior system already in place. A lot of my students appreciated my story and what I went through. My motto was always " what goes around comes around, do onto others what you want done onto you"

I am a mother of 6, 3 girls,I was shy in school and suffered greatly from the best friend one day.. business, and that was many , many years ago. I told my girls that some girls are just mean and will always be mean, some are just scared to be made fun of and go along with the others and that they should always be themselves and try and be nice to everyone , even the mean girls, even if it isn't easy! Sometimes kindness will make all the difference,and if not you haven't lost a valueable friend. It may not seem like a fun answer , but it is the only one that works and makes you feel that YOU are doing the best you can.

I had the same problem with my daughter. She was crying for 2 years and then finally we switched her to the public school and things were better. She is head strong so we were worried it was her that caused the problems. We now play "survivor" at school and make alliances with everyone and switch it up. This is good b/c it gets them to know more girls and doesn't allow them to settle in too much. To this day, her friends will complain that she is talking to the "popular" girls or the "nerdie" girls and she just replies that they are all nice. Don't get me wrong she still has issues in 7 grade - but she is happier. She also likes hanging with the boys b/c they don't get into this girl stuff. And that is okay too. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

To all the respondents that want to know what website T. is talking about..... you are on it! :)

I know you've had a lot of answers but I had to respond. I went through this myself in school. I was very sensitive and kids made fun of me for being skinny. I'd go home and cry and my mom would be so understanding. Then my girls went through the BFF one minute and mean to her the next. I tried very hard to stay out of it. Most of them are actually still friends but don't hang out like they used to. It eases up after 5th grade. Mine stopped when I went to Jr. High and they were tiny fish in a humongous pond. Never bothered me again. My other daughter though, she's not as outgoing and is hard of hearing and she had 2 sisters (twins) treat her terribly. I was so upset, and I had to be really upset to do this, I called their mom. It actually involved the mom and something she had said, so I called her and asked if she said it. We had been friends but that ended that and those girls turned out to be druggies, cause trouble, etc. I'm glad they stayed out of my daughter's life. Again, moving up to middle school ended all the pettiness. So be a loving and understanding mom like you are and I wouldn't bother calling the parents unless you feel you are so compelled like I was and don't mind ending a friendship. I'm not sorry I called but I might have done it differently. Calm down first, don't call in anger. And it will end when she moves into a bigger school and the mean girls don't have as much control over your daughter. I have actually had 4 year olds at church be mean to my 4 year granddaughter. It's terrible when they start being mean that young. You just know they're going to be miserable in life. Their favorite line, I won't be your best friend. Someday that will come back to bite them in the bottom. I believe our kids will end up being the more sensitive, caring, and happier adults. Because I was treated so cruelly, I taught my children to be sensitive to that and they always befriended the children who were picked on. All my children have turned into beautiful caring adults. My son works in a hospital taking care of patients and they all love him. Hope this helps. Tell your daughter these children have problems that have nothing to do with her, they're miserably on the inside but she's beautiful inside and out.

Do not go to the parents. You will be wasting your time and energy and also taking a chance with your daughter being embarassed in school or confronted by these girls. I have been there and done that. Better off explaining to your daughter that these extremely ignorant people do exist and for some reason or another they are very jealous of her.My daughter was taunted for her last three years in grammar school by bullies.They were hateful.Also your loyaltys belong to your daughters not friends,and if she has to watch her Mom socialize with the enemy how sad for her.I cut myself off from all school meetings and just teamed with my daughter.It was very hard however time passed she went on to Valedictorian.I wish all my best to you and your children.If you want to do it right it's the hardest job there is. K.

Hi T.,
I know from personal experience how awful a bully can be. When I was in junior high, (a hundred years ago...) I was picked on by several bullies. I was busy 'blooming' the summer between 6th and 7th grade....the other girls were way behind me and it made them jealous, I guess. They teased me so much and I was very self-conscious about my body. These girls had been my friends since kindergarten and it made me feel just awful; I would pretend to be sick so I wouldn't have to go to school some days. About midway through 7th grade, a favorite teacher who had been counselling me through the tough times, pointed out that my feelings of isolation and fear were very much like those of the kids in the special education class. They were picked on, made fun of, teased, pushed, etc. on a regular basis, just because they were different. It dawned on me that would find empathy and safety with them. I started volunteering to help with tutoring in that class and I got to know several of the kids very well. One day, I was sitting outside during lunch recess and here comes the bullies and their gang. They started the name calling and joking about me posing for Playboy and just being nasty to me. I stood there frozen for what seemed like an eternity and then I saw a group of people push through the small crowd to stand beside me. It was the kids I had been tutoring! They saw what was happening and came to help. One of the girls grabbed my hand and said quietly, 'Let's get out of here...it doesn't stink on our side of the park.' I laughed and followed her and the others that had come to my rescue. Funny thing is, I was only looking for a safe place to hide, but I found 5 new friends that I will always treasure. They gave me respect and frienship when I needed it most and I will be eternally grateful to them. I stayed friends with them through high school until life dragged us our separate ways, but I think of them often.
The lesson I learned and eventually shared with my own two daughters was: There is strength in numbers and you should never overlook the underdogs. They know the pain and are unlikely to dish it out in return. They are also the most dependable friends on the planet! Band with the other victims of bullying and start a new circle of genuine friends! I wish you the best of luck! Your daughters are lucky to have you. :)
D.:)

Hi there,
I was reading your response, and I was curious what website you mentioned. I can't find it in any of the 40 responses. Could you let me know what web site you found helpful when you have a minute?
Thanks, ML

I would love to know the website that is talked about, I have two girls 14 and 11 that experience this same thing.
Thanks
M.

I have three grown children, two daughters and a son, also. Girls can be incredibly mean, but don't go to the other mothers. Your girls will feel betrayed. Keep the lines of communication open with them and talk about the reasons that might prompt the behavior of their "friends." Often, something has happened in which our own kids have unwittingly played a hurtful role. Sometimes, it is just downright meanness on the part of others and we need to help our own children to walk away, invite a different friend over for dinner and homework, and promise themselves they will not retaliate or treat anyone else with that kind of cruelty. It does get better, but not until the middle years of high school. As long as they have you and can come crying to you, they will learn to cope and be stronger for it.

Hi T., I remember when my girls were in school...school is the toughest place for kids to endure if you ask me when it comes to fitting in and relationships. Kids are and can be mean. It used to amaze me how my oldest daughter could talk so nasty to her friends one minute and be BBF the other. At one point in time with my younger daughter had a problem with a friend of hers. It got involved with the girls Mother. HerMother called to talk to me about it and then she hung up on me. I called her back and told her that her hanging up on me was quite childish and didn't help to resolve anything. My daughter and I went over to their house and we talked to the girls together. I told them if they wanted to be friends that was well and great but if they didn't, that was fine as well. If they chose not to be friends then they needed to leave each other alone and don't bother with them or say things about them to other friends. The two girls were friends on and off after that but more off. I think it helped them to see if their friendship was really worth it or not. They were in 5th grade. I always feel it's not good to get involved arguing with parents because you do that and you and the parents are bad friends and the kids usually make up the next day. It is a learning
experience with kids and they do have to make decisions as to
who and what type of people they want to be with. It is hurtful at times but I do think in time it works out. For most kids anyway. Maybe your girls should seek other friends
and they would be happier. It's a hard call..especially when
your girls want to be friends with certain people. I hope this helped even a little. Good luck. D.

Okay, well I'm actually in junior high, and I'm sorry to say that it doesn't get any better (my mom has my email subscribed to the feeds here). I moved to my new town about 6 months ago and right off the bat made 3 "BFFs". We had mini-dramas and then a major drama-one girl told the other that I didn't like her because she didn't wear expensive clothes and no boys liked her. That was TOTALLY untrue and I was very upset. Although I begged her not to, my mom called the parents and I actually sorted it out with the girl who told her that (kinda, we're friends, but only lunch table buds now) but the other one still won't talk to me.

Unfortunately, there will be drama and I've seen it tear people apart. It sounds like you really care so much and the only advice I have for you would be to only involve the other families when absolutely necessary, and that although it's tough now, your girls will be glad they learned social skills when they were young. I know I am:)