Advice on Parenting - Problems with Father

Hi C.,

I'm not sure if I can give you good advice or not, but I am in a similar situation with my husband. We have a 10 month old son, but have been separated since October. He is an alcoholic, so my situation is a bit different, but I think we can still relate to each other! Are you legally separated? If you are, you can have the visitation requirements sorted out in the separation agreement. Not sure if you have a lawyer or not...I know they are expensive! My parents are helping me with my lawyer as I'm not working at the moment. Can I ask what you do for work where you can bring your son with you? I have found that the cost of daycare is very, very expensive and I don't know how I'm going to manage. I hope to go back to work in a month or two. I also have to find a place to live. I'm temporarily staying at my brother's house because he is away, but he and his family will be back by July and I'll have to move...it isn't easy!! I've been close to breaking down many times, but I just keep trying to look at my blessings...i.e. my beautiful son!

My husband hasn't paid any chile support yet either...he just got arrested for drunk driving in ME, and not it is harder for him to find a good paying job...ugh!!!

Jenn

HI there C.-

I'm sorry to hear of your situation with the father of your child. He certainly doesn't understand the line you are trying to create. First just let me say that you are very fortunate in many ways, sounds like you have very supportive parents and a great job that is flexible to your needs. It sounds like your babe doesn't really need a father who only wants him when it's good for him. As he gets older, it may get worse and your child will only begin to have some issues due to his selfish behavior. I think your right about cutting contact with this man. He needs to realize that the relationship is over. Good for you. It's hard to be a single parent, but harder when one parent is acting like a child as well. Good luck to you.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such Baloney - My recommendations are simple: Get a Lawyer. Set up a Payment schedule, and then a Visitation Schedule. No Pay = No Visits. Plus, it sounds like you really DON'T want this guy to just take your son by himself, something about what you've told us about him sets off warning bells for me - have yourself declared to have Sole Custody, and he needs Monitored visitation - until and unless he proves he's not going to do something stupid.

I hope this gets solved soon - Enjoy your son!!

Hi, What helped me was going to court for child support and visitation. If the father wants to see his son than make a court date and tell him he can have him every other weekend until that court date or not at all.(or whatever schedule you think is best). Tell him in no uncertain terms that your relationship is over but you would like him to have the best father son relationship that is possible for him without you being there.
What also helped me is I kept all contact except for pick-ups and drop-offs to the phone. Everytime my x would yell I would hang up. I would not yell back. He learned that if he wanted to talk to me he would have to do it calmly. Anytime he would yell I would hang up the phone and I told him that is what I would do. Some conversations (in the beginning) had 3 and 4 hangups in them. I would also keep persuing the child support. You can take them to court I think anytime they are six weeks past due.
I most recommend the phone thing and you can also write up your own visitation schedule if he wants to see him he has to sign it in front of a noterary. If you do not want to go to court. To give you hope once all those issues where settled and if he really wants to be a dad. He will come around. My x and I have a great relationship today. I have been remarried for 6 years now with two other children and my x and my husband also get along even though in the beggining the thought of that would have been impossible for me to concieve.
There is only one point I want to make completely clear. Visitation and Child support have nothing to do with each other. One should not be equal to the other. Your child will and should only ever know about the visitation of his father. The money he should never know about and should not effect him in anyway as far as seeing his father.

Sounds like you are going to have to get everything court ordered. The court will then take into account that you are WANTING his relationship with his child and hopfully come up with something that you both can follow. In the best case senerio the father takes the baby one afternoon a week on weekends until the child is older and then maybe a full every other weekend. Meaning pick up Friday night drop off Sunday night of take to school Monday. Maybe suggest this to him and if he does not want to comply then "suggest" having a court involved. Make him pick up the baby, never drop off, and when he does you ALWAYS be rushing out with "some place to go".
(this is what worked when I was little:))
Anyway you want to be the one to go to court for child support too. After all you are the wanting to be the custodial parent and bear the most finacial burden. It won't work in your favor if HE TAKES YOU. He then gets to claim "oh she won't let me see my child, I am the injured party here."
Good Luck!

Oh C., how I feel what you are going through. I separated with my daughters father when she was 6 months old and went through the same situation. Felt like he could just take her when he wanted, never wanted to see her, it was all about me, wouldn't give me a dime, then I started in a new relationship and that all change, I also went to court and had a visitation schedule set up, and child support payments set up as well. Things changed, as in he saw her, but it was still all about me for a VERY long time. We still have our issues, but at least he has a relationship with our daughter. I wouldn't push it though, the last thing you want is for him to take your son unwillingly. I would suggest you distance yourself from him and see what he does. Let him take you to court if he wants visitation. Structure and consistency is key for the little ones and yes, a schedule needs to be put into place. I know that you want what is best for you child, but having the father in his life may not be what is best right now. Keep yourself out of situations where he will curse you out in front of you son, or just in general. He is still trying to control and manipulate you and that just isn't OK. Best of luck to you and I hope it all works out for the best. I do suggest also keeping a log of all of what is happening so that if in the event he does take you to court, you'll have what you need to stand up for yourself and have a solid case. also if you are able to, I would hire a lawyer and you possibly could have his parental rights terminated especially if he doesnt' seem to have a want to be in the childs life anyway.

Does the father have any other children? Maybe he is too nervous and isnt sure what to do with your son if they were by themselves? As far as child support.... I filed for it in February 2007 and still have yet to see a payment........

I agree though, if your sons father wants to see him - you should let him. I wish my daughters father would come and visit her....... if a child can have both parents around and it is a somewhat healthy relationship (or it could be) - then he deserves it.

Just so you know, I think you are already doing what is best for him. :)

Get a lawyer- take him to court. Your son deserves a father who wants to see him. If he REALLY wants to see him, he'll comply with the courts. If not- he doesn't deserve to spend time with his son. You've been nice enough for long enough.

C.,

Unfortunately for you, you are attached to this man for the rest of your child's life. Forget about any promises he made you and focus on what is best for your child and for you. I would suggest that you get some counseling as well. This does not have to be an adversarial stance, but you will probably have to make some unfavorable choices. A good counselor will help you do this proactively. The fact that this person does not want to step up and be a "father" tells you more than I think you want to hear right now. Keep in mind, however, that as your child gets older, he will ask ALOT of questions and be very curious about his father. You need to be the rational adult in this matter and be able to answer his questions without judgment and nastiness. Your son will need to form his own opinions of his father as he gets older. For now, you just need to make sure your son is safe and well taken care of.
Good Luck

It is difficult to be tough in your situation but consider that it is best for the child 1. to get the support he desrves and 2. have regular time with his dad. (kids thrive on routine.) Not to mention that distancing yourself from the situation sounds as though it might be (hard) but best.

Go to the courst to get the amount of child support set. In my state, the amount is based on income and amount of time with a child. (only nights count.) And keep insisting on a regular time with son, something YOU can count on too becasue goodness knows a break once in a while is essential for YOu to be a good parent. Stay strong. Best.

If the father really wants to be in the child's life yet you want nothing to do with the father than let the court system be involved. If you are having issues already imagine what it may be like when you find a good man and the child's father still wants to control the situation. On your own you can have the court issue a parenting plan that both parties have to stick to or the party that doesn't can be held in contempt. I know involving the court isn't what you really want but it may be the best in the interest of the child this way everything is documented with the state. I wouldn't go with every other weekend though. If you want the child to know his father he needs more that 4 days a month. I have 3 step sones that are shared equally between both parents which I beleive is in the best interest of the children. Both parents are totally involved with every detail including school.

Hi C. - It is unclear whether you were married to this father or not, but it seems perhaps not... I'm not sure if that makes it easier for you or not, from a legal standpoint.

Anyway, why don't you stop talking to him?? From what I can understand, you are trying to make him do what YOU want, not what HE wants (and it may or may not be best for the child)

You could very quietly go to court to sever his parental rights and obligation and that would be it - it would be over.

So instead of continuing a dialog and trying to get someone to conform to what you think his parenting should look like - stop trying to change him! Goodness, this is only the beginning...

Take a stand for your son! This is not about you and what you want, it's about what's best for your son. Fighting with his father the rest of his life won't serve him one bit. Nor will the relationship you will exlemplify to him by doing so.

If you want this guy gone, and he's not interested in being a father - do it. But do it without all the drama. Just go to court and do it.

Draw the hard line. Stand up for your SON!

Your in a very weird position and I have been there but the relationship was a 7 1/2 year long deal. My daughter is almost 13 and her father and I never married. He has been a pain in the neck and I have just about raised her myself and when we separated he never called, I had to call him. When she was old enough he expected her to call him, even at the age of 3 which is stupid. My feeling if he wanted to see that baby bad enough he would make the effort and make out a schedule. What I would do is do some research, check out this site http://www.divorcestep.com/articles/index.shtml -- I actually went to this woman Michele for some counceling because I needed it even though we weren't married there is still that father out there and you need to learn to deal with him so your not letting him get to you and there is no fighting. Not good for you and it's not good for the baby!

I honestly wouldn't call him and if he wants to see his son then let him call you to schedule some time. The baby is only 9 months old. Not sure of what type of guy the dad is but I feel like he may not stick around too much longer and you need to move on with your life. Which the baby will be okay because some day you never know you might find a guy like I did who will love your child and take them on like they are their own.

If you both go through the courts you will both have to take a parenting class which might be helpful. And the judge will set up visitation. As far as child support, if he doesn't pay you then the DOR will take actions on their own part. If he is owed a refund for taxes, it will be intercepted and you will get the money. If he has a checking account, the state will cap that and take the money. If he owes so much the state will take away his drivers license OR if it's time to renew a plate or licence they will not let him do it until he pays up some of the support. Consider the support a bonus check when you do get it -- I have been battleing with this for years and it stinks!

Write back if you have any questions!

I have a lot of empathy for you. Your situation can't be an easy one. I have not been in this situation myself, but one of my best friends has been in almost exactly the same situation,and her little boy is now 9 years old . His Dad has never paid child support and has never stuck to any regular visitation schedule, and DID want to be with my friend more than he wanted to be a father to his little boy. My friend never wanted to follow up in court with him,because he threatened not to see his son at all if she did, and she didn't want to cause problems for him because they had been friends for so long. Yet she and her son have been hurt and disappointed over and over by this man, and now my friend's son has made the choice not to see his father anymore. Being a real father to a child involves a lot more than just biology- it includes doing what is best for your child, including paying child support, and setting up a regular visitation schedule and sticking to it, so the child can come to know and trust his father. If the father of your baby is so immature that he can't see his way clear to do the above, then he has no right to try to make you feel guilty for choosing to protect your son from years of heartache and confusion. Of course you want what is best for your baby. Trust your instincts, which are telling this man is not ready to be an adult or a father. As your son grows up, you can answer his questions about his father, as they come up ,and let him make a choice as to weather or not he chooses to have a relationship with him. Wishing you all the best. L. Sunbury

Tell him you can not go. I have been through that. You really need to follow up on the child support. I know the courts see visitation and child support as two seperate issues. I think you can also file for visitation orders. I will tell you my mother always said "do not say anything bad against the father because someday they will see the truth" it did happen when my daughter turnd 16 she saw who her father really was.

I am so sorry for the trouble that you are having. As a mother we always want our children to have the entire family unit, but sometimes that doens't happen. My advice to you is this. You didn't make this child yourself therefore you should not have to support him yourself. If there is a court order for child support and the father is not abiding by it, you need to bring him into court on a Complaint for Contempt. I am assuming that the father is employed so when you do this you need to ask the judge to have the child support taken out by Wage Assessment. This way it will come immediately out of his pay and be forwarded to you from his employer. While you are at court you can ask if they can setup a visitation schedule at that time or they may make you file another action, Complaint for Visitation. He does not have the power to control you. Only you have the power to control yourself.

Good luck!! If you have any quesitions feel free to email me.

C.

Good Morning Charlote,
My name is M. and I am a single Mum of a beautiful 9 month old daughter. Her father left me when I was six months pregnant to reconcile his marriage. Needless to say he did nothing for me during those last 4 months before my daughter was born. But then, the Hospital called him to ask if he would like to sign the birth certificate and he started calling me, telling me how much he loved me, missed me and wanted to spend time with us. He would pop over once a week, take us out for dinner and then ask to spend the night.....it was more about being with me than his daughter. So finally I told him he could spend the night if we called his wife and asked her if it was ok....he got very angry and we haven't seen him since. I am still in and out of court trying to get child support. Once that is established I am going to file for sole custody. You have to do what is best for you and your baby. For me, I am stronger and more at peace with our life by not having him around as it was all a lie. I wish you all the best. If you want to contact me my e-mail is ____@____.com.

I know more or less what you are going through. I put myself through hell just trying to keep my childrens father involved. I'll be honest as hard as it was I finally stopped trying to keep him invoved. He pretty much isn't involved anymore. In the end we have two beautiful children that I benefit from full time. He makes an occasional visit. (I think we saw him once last year.) The hardest part was getting through the younger years with my son. (He is almost 9yrs now.) I just was careful about what I said to him or around him about his father and as he's gotten older he has based his own opinion of his fathers inconsistencies. Don't get me wrong, my son STILL loves him despite it all, but other than that he doesn't put a whole lot of worth in him.

Now I am in a relationship with a man who spends time with my kids and treats them way better than their father ever did and they LOVE him.

It's a hard road you have to travel, I can't tell you any different. The best thing you can do for your child is to do the best for you. In the end a happy Mom with an inconsistant father is better than a miserable Mom with an incosistant dad. Best of luck and hang in there!

See if you can get someone to be a third party to be there ,when he calls to come over, make sure you are gone when he comes.

Hi C.,

I'm B. and I am also a single mom of two. My advice to you would definalty cease contact for now with his father and let him take you to court and then he'll have to set up a visitation schedule. I got divorced three years ago and my ex has to stick with his visit sched in order to see my kids. It does sound to me like he is only seeing your son with you around so that he can see you more. You might want to try and have a pick up/drop off site like a parking lot or some place like that. Thats what I used to to with my ex, now it is at my house but things have changed in my situation. You might also want to set up a sched and tell him that these are the times that he can see his son and if he doesn't want to stick with it then he won't get to see him and he can take you to court.

As for child support make sure that you go through the state and have them dock his pay and take it out of his paycheck, he won't have a choice to not pay you. I have this done with my ex and i get it in my account once a week. Make sure you set up direct deposit with the state that way you don't have to go to the bank to cash it.

I hope this helps.

B.