Advice on Saving My Marriage

I don't have time to respond fully right not but I will say this. A date night IS worth ANY cost. You will reconnect on so many different levels...it's really amazing. I don't use credit cards, but, if there came a time when it was time for mine and Josh's date and we didn't have the money in the bank, hands down I would use a credit card. It's THAT vital to a marriage. You HAVE to take some time together. You will be amazed at what it can and will do for you guys! And make a point to not talk about the kids, house, etc. Just make it about you two for once!

Well his drinking isnt going to help the problems. He needs to stop talking to those girls at work because I bet that they are bashing you and feeding his ego. You should take some time out for yourselves. If you have a friend or family that can take the kids for awhile or overnight to give you guys time to talk and work on things. Sit down together and work on a plan and stick together.
I hope everything works out for the best for you and the kids.
God Bless You and keep you safe.

Sounds like you do have a lot to work on, but don't give up just like that. Can you both commit to making this marriage better? Can you wear your wedding rings? Make an effort to communicate and reconnect? Pardon my intrusion, but I think the idea of "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm "in love" with you anymore" so maybe we should split up is a bunch of baloney. Love is a decision, not just a fuzzy good feeling of being "in love." Every married couple goes through times when they don't feel as romantic as they once did, but if you stay together and work on it, and things can be better than they ever were. I think sex is important for a marriage, but you're right, it needs to be an act of love. I would think that would be hard to do if you are not really committed to one another. So, see if you can talk it out and make that commitment, and each trust that the other means it. Maybe you can find a good marriage counselor--sometimes health insurances will pay for counseling. It honestly sounds like you are on the right track in identifying your problems so you can address them. I find I don't always need to "get away" from my daughter to feel closeness with my husband. The most important thing for me is quality time. For example, going to the park or zoo or something like that and just spending time together as a family can work wonders. Anyway, I've rambled on and on--hopefully something I've said helps.

Man does this unfortunately sound like the same fight me and my husband have had more than once. We have been married for 10 years now and while it hasn't been always hard, like any marriage I believe, it hasn't always been easy either. I am not about to give advice on marriage because I am definitely no expert. My husband and I just have this no split policy. I'm not going to say we haven't seriously thought that over again and again, but we have stuck with it so far and it has been worth it every time. It seems like about every 3 years or so we go through this period of time where we are unhappy and it really just turns out we are not treating each other the way we want to be treated. When we make time to actually really work on our marriage and talk out everything (even if it does cause a fight, but never physical or anything) then we are always able to work it all out. It takes time and patience though. In fact, we went to a workshop put on by the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative called All About Us. We laughed through the whole thing because every situation seems like applied to us. It did give a lot of great techniques to use on how to make sure you are really listening to each other instead of planning what you are going to say while the other one is talking. One of the best tips I think though was when things get heated, say "3 things" and each person has to say 3 things that they love about the other one and it has to be specific to current situations (not just I like your hair kind of thing). We used that technique the other day and it helped to remind us in the middle of a fight that we really still do love and appreciate each other, but we were just having a problem that we needed to work out. As far as being in love goes, I have told my husband that many times, that I love him with all my heart but I don't feel like I am in love with him. I know that sounds terrible, and I do reassure him that I am not going to ever leave him, but I think what I am trying to say is that feeling that you get when you first fall in love and think it will never end, that is gone for me. For a long time that bothered me severely and I felt like maybe we were doomed. Now I realize that for me, maybe that feeling of puppy love has to go away eventually and your relationship grows to a point where you don't need those feelings constantly anymore. I love my husband no matter what and I stay with him, no matter what (unless me or my child was in danger of some sort of course). The workshop said definitely get away together, even if it is making the kids stay in their room (when they are older) and you two curling up on the couch or in a chair and watching a favorite (of both of you) TV show together for one hour a week. My hubby and I are broke, so we are going to think of things we did when we dated (because we were pretty broke then too) and do one every two weeks or so. The rule on date night is that you cannot discuss problems-only have fun and play. I think that is awesome. Good luck and sorry this is so long.

My sympathes. It is hard work being married and a family but it sounds like you two had the conversatioon that can keep yours going.

Communication is the key. The fact that you were both honest is really a good thing. It sounds like you just need to do some nurturing and repair work.

Think about it, you answered your own question. You said you haven't had more than 5 dates in 2 years. Is that what your courtship was like? If you don't work at anything it will wither and die. So, this is your new job, both of you. Move forward with your marriage.

You will probably never be that stop you in your shoes "in love" that you were at first. That fades for everyone. if they say they have it they are lying. What you can have is a renewed even more deep and trusting connection and yes, love, and now is the perfect time to do it. Marriage is a series of adjustments like this. (I've been married for 17 years, together for 23)

First, make a pact to be positive with each other in all you do or say. Then sit down together and plan out when you can reasonably spend time alone together. It may be one night a week after the kids go to bed, or can you find someone to watch the kids while he has his break at work? Lunch? Have a date, just to talk like that each week. On weekends or when you can, schedule snuggle time. You don't have to make love, just relax and talk, get close. The rules are that you can't talk about any family business. none. Just about what's new with you or about whatever you used to talk about before kids and family.

When you feel you are ready for it schedule an overnight out if you can. You may think you can't afford it, but can you afford to loose this marriage? Do it. And relax about the sex. Closeness is what you both need, just with a little emotional intimacy groundwork before hand.

As for you, lead by example. Show him how much you love him. Say it. Leave him little notes , emails, text him. Rub his back just a little as you say it. Make his favorte foods, pick up a magazine he might like...just little things. You will know what will work. Let the world revolve around him for a little but...and then if he's paying attention, he may start to reciprocate. Sometimes guys need to be shown the way without you actually letting them know that you are showing them.

Be patient. Sounds like both of you are under a lot of stress. Realize that anyone under those conditions would crack. Trust that love and trust will get you through. But actively show your love, daily, in little things and I think he;ll get the message and calm down, and be your man again..but better.

Hello H.,
This sounds like exactly what I went through a little over a year and a half ago. It is kinda weird because we had the same car talk and all. We ended up seperating(I am not recommending this for you)We didn't wear our wedding rings either and he drank so much he actually ended up in the hospital one night. We were apart for 4 mons. He got his own apartment but still helped me since I didn't have a job. Then he realized how much we meant to him and we have been back together for about 1 1/2yrs just had another baby and we actually talk now. I am sure he still has women friends since that is mainly who he works with, but I am #1 and I now know it. If you need someone to talk to just send me a message and I will gladly listen and give you any advise I can.

I truly wish you the best. I know how hard this is..

Sincerely,
M.

H., I am 24 and have been married for 3 years. I do not, however, have the privilege of being a stay at home mom. Marriage is not intended to be a walk in the park. It takes hard work. My husband is a police officer and works a shift opposite mine, so it has taken extra hard work. We did marriage counseling before we got married, and it has been such a gift. I highly recommend counseling for you. It helps so much to have someone mediate your issues. I would encourage putting your wedding ring back on and having sex with your husband. If you're not doing these things it will make it that much easier to separate. We went through a really rough patch this time last year, but we both wore our rings and made a point to be intimate. I'd rather have sex with my husband even if things aren't perfect, than have him seek it out elsewhere because he's not getting it at home. You don't have to have a night away from home for quality alone time. Make a point to get your daughter to bed early and hop in bed together and talk, snuggle, whatever you need to do to connect to each other. Putting time into our marriage is the best thing we could have done for ourselves and our son. Please don't but a deadline on your marriage. It takes time to work out issues, and you shouldn't just give up in 2 months time. We don't always have a lot of $$ to go out for date night, but when my in-laws offer to watch my son we jump at the chance for alone time. Sometimes we just wander around the mall together, take the dogs to the park or sit at the bookstore and drink coffee. Don't focus on the activity, focus on each other. Wow, now I see how easy it is to post such a long response! Feel free to send me a personal message if you want to talk to someone your age who has had similar struggles. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

H.,

I've been married 24 years...14 of them happily. Our first ten years were very difficult and we got to a place where we said, "I don't love you anymore." It was a very dark time in my life.

I want to encourage you to put your wedding ring back on. You are still married and you need every bit of visual reminder of your commitment and the vows that you took. You promised to stay committed for better or for worse. Right now it is for worse. All marriages have their hard seasons and you are in one right now.

It's time for you to kick in high gear in making your marriage a priority. You need to go to school on marriage. We found that quite honestly, we didn't know how to be married. We had to learn how to keep our marriage a regular priority in the midst of raising a family (we have 5 children).

Here are some things that I want to encourage you to do.

1) Set a weekly or bi-weekly date on your calendar. Get a sitter or trade with another couple (you watch their kids so they can go out and they watch yours so you can go out). Don't let any excuses get in your way. You can make this happen. When you go on a date, do something that encourages communication. Don't go to dinner and a movie (very few of us can afford that anyway!) Just do dessert and talk. Or go to Barnes and Noble and look at marriage books and then have a coffee and talk. Walk the trail together and talk. Be creative about having fun together.

2) Take time each day for each other. My husband and I began a routine of sitting on the couch for 15 minutes each day when my husband came home from work. This was intentional communication time: how was your day and what are the plans for this evening?

3) Understand that love is a choice. It is not a feeling. We choose to love or not to love and when we choose to love, the feeling eventually follows the choice.

4) Pick up the book "Is There Really Sex After Kids?" It's a book not just about sex, but about keeping your marriage a priority in the midst of raising a family. You desperately need a different vision for your marriage and family and this will give you that vision. It's designed for women to read then at the end of the chapter there's a section called "For Husband's only" You read your five pages, he reads his five paragraphs and you've read the book together!

5) Keep having sex. It's an important time of connection. But do something different with it. Have sex with your eyes open the whole time looking at each other throughout the time together as much as possible. Or throughout your time of intimacy, whisper things that you love about each other to one another. Do something different that puts a spice back in your love life.

6) Go to www.abcsofahealthymarriage.com and put yourself on the mailing list. This is a seminar that is often presented in Bloomington-Normal, IL. It would be good for the two of you to do together!

I hope some of those things help. Marriages aren't designed to stay strong on auto-pilot. We have to be intentional about keeping the relationship a priority. It's worth it! We're celebrating 25 years next June!

J.

Your marriage can't be saved so long as you lack the courage and integrity to be committed to your husband and vice-versa. As long as you keep talking about separating like it's a real possibility, it's probably going to happen. I do understand and I've pulled the same stunt that your husband just did. I started talking about divorce just to snap my husband out of his complacency. It worked. We are working on things and it is better, not perfect but tons better.

If I remember right you have been trying to have another child even going so far as having surgery? Unless I'm mixing you up with someone else, but I don't think I am. Your husband is working 2 jobs! Why shouldn't he be tired and emotionally unable to connect with you? You can barely afford the kids you have and you have been trying for another and it's all too much. Now you have taken off your wedding ring and decided to stop having sex. Wow. I don't want to sound mean but you need to grow up a little bit and start to prioritize your life better. And yes, it does take 2.

Would it really be such a bad thing to let go of the custody battle and work out a shared custody arrangement? It sounds to me like you need to find ways to take some of the pressure off.

Marriage isn't all about feelings. Marriage is about time and committment. How can your husband spend any time with you when he is working 2 jobs?!

Suzi

Hi H.,
Well I'm gonna say first the drinking needs to go right back through the same door it walked in. This is not gonna help anybody.
Next taking off your wedding ring IS like you already have given up. Put it back on and don't take it off. This is a hurdle that you have to get through in your marriage and every marriage has the humps whether they want to admit it or not.
Next still have sex with your husband it may be just sex, but that just sex does alot for each other and helps out in a big way.
Also you and your husband need to start communicating so here is a way to start..Once you get your daughter to bed. You and your husband need to take 5 minutes each side and communicate. So for the 1st five minutes you each have piece of paper and in that 5 minutes you write down everything you want to talk about. After this one of you goes first this person gets 5 minutes to talk about whatever it is they need to talk about. After that you the person that talked for 5 minutes now has to listen for 5 minutes while the other person responds to what you have said. Each of you can not respond while the other is talking or responding and if need be the person listening takes notes. Once you have done this you switch sides and do it again. Now actually this will take longer then 5 minutes as a whole but you will be communicating. And as you go on you can add time to each side. I know it seems silly and childish but when you are not communicating to the one you are married to THAT is childish.
Also remember there is 100% fault in both sides of this equation, to grow and learn and have a better relationship you have to admit what you are at fault for and change that. Hope this helps you, W.

First of all I want to say that my heart goes out to you because I have been there and done that. I have to say that it breaks my heart to hear another somebody going through such pain. Let me tell you that my husband and I did separate for a while because of a lack of time and just no communication overall. He too confided and talked to the girls at work.We too, have children and what I learned was that even though my kids were small, they were still paying attention. What we as adults don't realize is kids feel tension and they recognize it better than we know. Anyway, I loved my husband alot and I wanted the both of us to be happy, so I went along with the separation. Big mistake!!!!!! I was miserable, I was depressed, and I missed my husband! I found it hard to talk to him, so I wrote him a letter and I poured my heart out and most of all, I was honest with him. What I didn't know was that he missed me as much as I missed him. We got together and talked one day, we decided that we really needed each other. I prayed about it all first. I asked God to have His way and order My steps. Here it is 5 1/2 years later and we're doing very well. We talk more and when time gets short, we at least acknowledge it and even if we have to take a few extra minutes at night before bed, we share something about our day. Sometimes I just look at him and that's enough for me. You two have to remember what was so important/good that you decided to get married. Put God first and He will work everything out for you. My prayers are with you both.
Mrs. H

I know that you mentioned that you dont think that you can afford a night out, but maybe you cant afford not to. If it can help your marriage then go for it. To be metaphorical, marriage is like a plant, it needs watered. That water is time together, dates, talking. Those are the things that led you to fall in love....go back to those things. taking time for each other will help your marriage and it will also help you both be better parents.

H.,
Me and my husband have started going to counseling recently. The first thing he told us was that we needed to put our wedding rings back on. Not only as a reminder to each other but as a reminder to other people so they are well aware that you have not closed that door. I highly recommend you go to a counselor so you can both learn to communicate to each other. Also, it is not wise for him to talk to other women in his office, especially about your marriage problems, it opens the door to other things. He needs to be talking to you. No matter what anyone thinks any relationship you have outside your marriage will affect your marriage. Another website that I think you might find useful is www.marriagebuilders.com. Good luck!

H., it sounds like the 2 of you need some time to your selves, can some one watch the children? You do not have to go any where, have a candle lit dinner and talk. Sometimes life just takes ahold and you loose that feeling. I would watch the girls at work, he needs to be talking to you not them. I hope everything works out for the 2 of you. T.

If you've decided to put sex on hold for the time being, I would strongly suggest that you turn the time you might have been having sex into time to talk. They say a succesful relationship has three mandatory parts - passion, intimacy, and commitment. From what you say it sounds like you are both committed to making things work, and if you've still been having sex the passion is still there to some extent, so what's going to help the most at this point is making the time for intimacy. I imagine that with him working so much, and you feeling overwhelmed with household and childrens' issues, finding the time to be together and talk about anything more than the kids and bills is hard to do, but sounds to me like the biggest thing you're missing.

What a gift you have, with a husband who says that he still loves you, and you find that you really feel the same about him. Being 'in love' is only temporary at best, but when it gives way to a deep and abiding love for one another, separation is just not in the cards.
My husband told me once...30 years ago..that he loved me. He has never had to repeat it, his actions every day and his devotion to our family is ongoing proof.
We recently weathered a bout with cancer for him. There were moments during his recovery that I doubted the depth of my love for him. His eight months of recovery at home has given us abundant time to realize the importance of being together.
I am not looking forward to his return to work.
We, too, have had the concerns with our own child and stepchildren, but as we age, it all falls in to place.

To me, it sounds like you're on the right track. You've acknowledged the situation, now talk and enjoy each other for a while and re-get to know one another and re-fall in love. Going to a hotel would be great, but it sounds like the two of you have made a commitment to work on your problems and that's the biggest hurdle - now stay focused and follow through. Cards, love letters, appreciation and thoughtfulness will make a more lasting impact than a nice hotel. Try to think of one thing to do each day to show him you appreciate him.... and I bet it will come back to you.
Good luck. Marriage is hard, but if they say the key is commitment, it sounds like you both have that.

If you were to take a weekend in a hotel, why can't you just have who ever would watch your kids, take them from your house, and have a weekend in? That way you're not spending as much money. Also I'd wear your wedding ring to show him you are commited to him if this is what you want. As far as the sex, still haveing it CAN help you reconnect. Just make it more special, wear something special, play special music, light some candles, do whatever to make it more romantic!! Use your imgination!! Even if you're low on cash, still go ahead and the two of you go out, even if it's to McDonalds!! OR stay in and rent movies, send the kids to Grandma's etc... Put little notes in his pocket, briefcase, lunch or whatever so during the day he finds them. The more effort you make to show how much you apperciate his working two jobs, the more he'll feel it!! I'm sure it is hard, but if you push harder for things to get better, it'll show him you mean it! Good Luck and I hope it all works out!!

Oh my goodness I have been in your shoes. PLEASE seek some counseling. It really does work wonders. My marriage was all but over due to lying, cheating, childishness and selfishness. Counseling saved us. We are literally two of the happiest married people you'd ever want to meet now, all because of a therapist, and dedication to our marriage. Taking off your wedding ring and not having sex might not be the best idea, since you already feel so distanced from one another. And the fact that he's talking to other women at work about his problems and not to you...HUGE red flag. I hope you'll seek some professional counseling to try and work it all out:) My best wishes to you:)
~K.

I would recommend the book " The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", by Dr. Lara Schlessenger. It really helped my husband and I in our relationship. Divorce/seperation should be the last most drastic step with a little 2 year old! Put your wedding ring back on, and continue to have sex in the little time it sounds like you have with each other. Honestly, cutting him off is only going to make the situation worse. Show him you are committed to making it work.
All marriages go thru patches where you think you might not love your partner anymore. You have to work through it, if you work at it the feelings will usually follow your actions.

Hi H.,

Please do counseling! YOu are lucky to have a marriage in wich you actually both love each other and are willing to work to make it better, don't make the mistake of listening to people that doesn't really know about the issue, nobody unless is a specialist know anything but their own experience.
You can make a big mistake listening to others stories or how others deal with their personal life. This one is yours and nobody elses, go for the best even if it is a little expensive. Some employers offer this option for free. We all have stages in life, a couple of months in where you think you are not in love anymore.....and back then with more love than before, it's life! It happens!
Work for your family if you love him, suggest counselling, no sex doesn't sound like a good idea to me, he is still you husband and if you love hime a good night of intimacy might bring the spark back.
Best of luck, sounds like you will do good if you stay on the right track.
Mariana Abadie
www.MyKidsFirst.com

Hi H.,
I understand how you feel as I am in the same situation. My husband and I have started counseling. It has helped some but we have a long way to go. Perhaps counseling would help you and your husband. I do not believe there is a quick fix. As with anything, it takes time. If you are both willing to do what it takes to make it work, then it should. God bless!

First of all, you should really stay together, for the sake of your daughter and your step children. They do not need any more chaos in their lives. Secondly, I know she is only two, but you really shouldn't talk about such serious stuff like "I don't know if I love you any more" in front of your daughter. It is probably really upsetting. Third, sex is an important part of feeling intimate, especially for women, so I would strongly recommend that you continue to have sex, whenever you both want to. Fourth, read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Not showing emotion is very normal for men, and that book will help you learn how to be a good partner. After all, the only person you can control or change is you. Fifth, I would not put any kind of time line (January is so soon!) on trying to work it out. It may take time, you are both so young, and you need to give it a chance for the children.

It may be difficult, but if you two want to make this thing called a marriage to work you must put in the work to make it happen. Although in some aspects time is money, in your case, time is FREE.

What you need to do is make time for just the two of you as a couple. This could mean family members or friends watching the kids (or after they've gone to bed) while you two spend time together, or taking a few minutes throughout the day to 'connect' as a couple. It doesn't take long, but it does require action. Turn off the TV, turn to each other, stare into each other's eyes, and talk honestly do this on a regular bases throughout the day if even for as short as 3 minutes each time. Take the time and it will pay off in the end.

Good luck to you.

Go to marriage counseling now!!! If you are Catholic or even not Catholic and your husband will go for it, check this out. http://www.cdowk.org/family_life/retrouvaille.html It is called Retourvaille. It is a good counseling option to help you get through this. It can help maybe discover those problems that you haven't gotten around to talking about. I think your marriage is important. I will be praying for you. My heart hurts for you and your children.

my husband and I were almost at the divorce table and what saved our marriage was a marriage conference called Weekend to Remember. It's given by Family Life. I know several couples that have attended and have come out of it with a renewed sense of marriage. It's been almost 2 years since we attended and we're still going strong. I would recommend it.in a heartbeat. Let me know if you would like more information.