I think am looking for advice or widom into how to continue to communicate about tricky next step stuff (finances, moving) with my husband. We both see the need to change what we bring in, ut have not figured out how to do it... But, if you have any other insight, that is welcome too. Thanks in advance for reading...
Pre-kids, my husband made a decent salary working part-time and made some money with other pursuits. Just before our first-born, he went to graduate school for a new field. I was excited about his commitment to supporting us. We knew his new field would require a couple of moves, which was okay by both of us. We decided his work would determine the location and my skills are pretty transferable so I'd find whatever. We figured after a few years, he'd eventually make more money.
After our second child, my husband and I agreed I'd work part-time to spend more time with the kids. (My previous full-time job was a ten years in a high stress environment). The part-time work I was able to find was well-paying but now is no longer available in our area. In my community, it is unlikely I can find full-time work that pays what my old part-time work paid (unless I commute 3 hours a day). And, full-time work means my younger child is in day care two more days (older child is in school).
We knew our choices (school and new field for him and part-time for me) would mean continuing on a tight budget for a few more years. But, we figured we'd get through - especially since neither of us spend much money. But, five years into it, we continue to go deeper into debt with regular necessary life-costs (rent, food, daycare, car, school loans).
He is very good at his work and he really enjoys it. However, the next step toward a livable wage has not happened. It has been hard for him to find work because he is relatively new and his field is shrinking. As a result, there are more experienced applicants competing for the few vacancies.
Two years into my part-time work and five years into his new career, we continue to not make enough to live on. We know that even if I found full-time work locally, we'd still have to depend on credit cards for some necessities. (I should add that we have a good budget and already are a bare bones costs and expenses (we moved to a cheaper apartment, rarely eat meat, home-made cleaning supplies, get great hand-me downs, no cable or extra techy-stuff etc.)).
Both of us know something has to change, but are not sure how to do it. Each of us is resistant to what we see as our options - I don't want to go back to a stressful, full time higher paying job (if I can get one). And he really loves his field and does not want to switch careers.
I know we are super lucky and our strengths give us hope. We have healthy kids, a good marriage and a strong community of family and friends (within 1.5 hour drive). We both have transferable work skills, college degrees (him advanced), great ethics (work and otherwise).
Something has to change, we have to talk and figure things out but we are both struggling to make that happen.
Any advice is welcome! Thanks.
Take the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class together! You will learn so much! www.daveramsey.com You will not regret it. The class shows you a realistic way to budget and become debt free.
This is tough, sounds a lot like us, but we never used credit cards, though we are in student loan debt.
You have to say to your dear sweet man, "Listen honey, I love you, but you're field is shrinking, you're not getting promoted out of competition to the big guys and in 5 years, you may not have a job in this field anyways. And the job you do have isn't supporting us. You need to either get a part time job as well (I know many business professionals who now deliver pizzas or stock groceries at walmart part time now) or change your field."
A lot of careers can be changed into better paying ones by doing similar lines of work but in a different field. So, he will still be doing things he enjoys, but in a different field.
This website is a great place to research careers. It not only tells about education/training requirements, but also about pay, work field conditions, what expected job growth or loss is and what similar fields there are he could try and get into. It could really open up his mind on his choice of employment.
click on the search bar on the upper right hand side of the page to search careers:
http://bls.gov/oco/
If you were to be a stay at home mom, would your work allow you to do some at home work so you could save on child care?
We are in a tough boat financially as well, and I stay at home b/c the job I would do, wouldn't be enough to pay for work clothes, lunches, meeting dues, travel, and day care. Here is a great advice on preparing financially that you and your husband can review together:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&local...
Hi! I totally hear what you are saying about looking the debt monster in the eye and not liking what you see as your options. My husband and I were in the same situation and it's not fully resolved because we haven't finished paying off our debts. I highly suggest you take the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class to learn how to get total control of your finances. I just finished the class with my husband and about 40 other people and we were all so glad we did it. So before you make a huge change that you both already know could affect the quality of your family life, take this course and make a plan that will allow you to remain in the area you already are and keep focusing on taking care of your children. If you go to the Dave Ramsey website you can find information on the classes and get connected with people who can help you. It is really awesome and very pro-family! I am not proud of the fact that my husband and I were not doing a good job with our finances but I can't tell you how great it is that we now have a plan, which we are following, to put us back on the right track. Furthermore, I now feel like I have some real knowledge to contribute towards my children's education about money, which I really didn't before. Why don't you print some things off the website and suggest to your husband that you look into something like this? Maybe he will see the value of it, especially if it means not having your family go through all the upheaval you both want to avoid. Also, ask around and see if you guys know anyone who has done this or a similar program. An endorsement from someone you know would help you both to feel like it is a good choice and he or she may be able to answer some questions you have before you are ready to get started. Best of luck to you!
Oh, I feel for you! We are in the same boat right now! My husband used to make twice what I did, and then we moved (for my job) and he was laid off... and now I make 3x what he does (but not a whole lot more than I used to). End result being that as a family we make about 2/3 of what we used to. Right after he was laid off, we lived on credit cards to try and make ends meet and hopefully not lose our house. We held onto the house too long and by the time we gave it back to the bank, we were really far in debt. So now we have no house and a pile of debt.
Since we both knew the financial situation, and he was truly trying to find work (and working in construction on the side), I didn't want him to feel like I was blaming him for the situation. I tried to approach it more like, "Hey, we're both under so much stress. This is no way to live, how about we get creative and find some ways to pare back?"
I made it very clear in my conversations with him that our situation was nobody's fault. We made the best decisions we could at the time with the facts we had on hand. Nobody knew the economy would go into a tailspin. Nobody knew the real estate market would get as bad as it has been. So, we are where we are, and have to find a way to move on from here, disappointed though we may be with the way things have worked out.
For us, we ended up moving into a house that is about half the size of our previous house. We made the commitment that we would not use our credit cards anymore, period. (That has been very hard, but we have mostly done it - our debt is finally getting smaller and not bigger.) Our tv broke last week, and we're just not going to get it fixed, and are cancelling cable altogether (that's a hard one when you can't afford to go out to the movies!) Same as you, my kids wear hand-me-downs. It's hard, but I console myself with the knowledge that we are certainly not alone.
But, like you, we still just don't have enough income to really make ends meet most months. I had to write a tax check yesterday and I had to pull out our entire savings to cover it (nothing like not having a house to use for tax deductions anymore... uggggh). Honestly, I've resigned myself to working really hard at work, trying hard to get promoted, and doing what I can to help my husband find employment. I used to dream of being a stay at home mom - but I got real and realized that I'm the breadwinner, and it is what it is. I am trying really hard just to think about today, and live in the moment. Be thankful for what I have. I wish I had better advice. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! Sending long-distance hugs your way.
I am very empathetic, without going into all the details of our financial life. The one thing that I think you could look into is watching someone else's kids, even just on the days that you aren't working (or before and after school, if your kids are school aged). Look around, find the "going rate" for your area, and then offer to do it for a little less. My guess is that a lot of people with elementary school aged kids need before and after care for just a couple hours and vacations. I don't know if that would be enough money to tide you over, but it might be a place to start.
The only other thing that I can suggest is to talk about the ways that things could change at home if you were to go back to work. This is where my husband and I struggle a little. I point out that if I go back full time, it will also be very hard for me to do all the daycare drop offs and pick ups, do the laundry, the cleaning, make dinner every night, take the kids to all their doctor appointments, etc. I think I need to go back to full time (financially) and we keep having "little" conversations about ways that he can step up and make the marriage/childcare more equitable if/when that happens.
Good luck. I know this isn't easy.
Get a 2nd job.... to bring in some extra money.
That is what many people do.
Or, you can stay home with the kids... but get a night-time job... perhaps at a grocery store, 24-hour Walmart, Costco, or something like that, that is not high stress. And if you work at these stores, there are "employee discounts", which for groceries, would be great, right? Since you have kids too.
And if you work at night, you don't have to send your kids to daycare... which is MORE cost, to you and Hubby.
Or, he can get a 2nd job. But for either of you, with the other spouse not home at night, you have to deal with that.
Or, do something like tutoring, dog walking, baby sitting, cleaning etc., and either one of you can do that. Or maybe with your Husbands specific skill set... he can do teaching at a University or something.. or Tutor others... or do free lancing on the side.
Next, his field of work is dying out... and he will be a "dinosaur" in no time... and he is not making headway in it, nor any increase in income/raises for doing it. So he HAS to make himself more marketable. He has to admit that. And there are more and more EXPERIENCED applicants getting "his" job. He will be not be competitive in it... unless he does something about it.
good luck,
Susan
I live in Canada! So do not know if what I am going to say applies! WE have food banks here and free stores! Also ours churches give out money and hampers!
You really sound like your family is in trouble, get off the credit cards now! Or you will end up bankrupt, the interest rate is awful on those things a personal loan would be better! Not eating meat is no big deal! You are probably healthier,ie lower collesteral and other things! Look for cheaper rent again...use less electricity, do your churches have free outings and meals? Ours do! Seek pt work on Saturdays! Try garage sales , to sell at if you have anything to sell or to buy at to save money! Do you have family that could help?
Flyer shop plan every meal!
Pay off the highest interest card and then get rid of it til you both have jobs or even better for ever!
Best of luck!
Try praying!
Ask for help!
Take good care and keep looking up!
Updated
I live in Canada! So do not know if what I am going to say applies! WE have food banks here and free stores! Also ours churches give out money and hampers!
You really sound like your family is in trouble, get off the credit cards now! Or you will end up bankrupt, the interest rate is awful on those things a personal loan would be better! Not eating meat is no big deal! You are probably healthier,ie lower collesteral and other things! Look for cheaper rent again...use less electricity, do your churches have free outings and meals? Ours do! Seek pt work on Saturdays! Try garage sales , to sell at if you have anything to sell or to buy at to save money! Do you have family that could help?
Flyer shop plan every meal!
Pay off the highest interest card and then get rid of it til you both have jobs or even better for ever!
Best of luck!
Try praying!
Ask for help!
Take good care and keep looking up!
You got some good specific advice but the question is how to even have the conversation. I think you need to have it, and soon, and it needs to happen in a netural, pleasant and unfamiliar place. I would schedule a "marriage summit" over a weekend, without the kids, and make sure it is punctuated by food, rest and exercise, just the two of you.
You will need to make a list of the issues that need to be addressed and then agree that it is complete. Over time you will tackle them.
You may also want to make a list of further compromises that you could make, and rank order them as to "pain." Be sure to brainstorm as creatively as possible on this before you start to debate the merits of any of them or rank them. You should include some that are frankly crazy because sometimes the germ of a good idea is in an idea that comes out of a joke or argument. For example, the list should include "cut up credit cards, move house, move in with parents" etc. but if one of you says "start a call-girl ring" just put it on the list and circle back to it later to see if there isn't something practical and legal lurking in each outrageous thought.
Keep your notes as a living document and agree some short-term, achievable goals first.
Good luck.
