Advice on Working with a Nanny

Hey A.,

I was a nanny for a while, and I wouldn't have minded at all if the Mom were to (gently, and kindly) let me know how the kids felt. Maybe she doesn't realize the way she sounds to them sometimes. Or maybe she does, and she just needs someone to step in and let her know that its bothering the kids and you'd like her to tone it down some.

Best of luck!

Hi A.-

I was a Nanny for many years, and I know how hard it is to bond with kids. It takes everyone a while to get use to each other and love each other.

It sounds like your kids have recently lost a wonderful nanny, and I'm sure they are feeling it would be dishonorable to their old nanny to be friends with their new one.

I worked with a family for years and every morning one of the kids would give me a dirty look first thing in the morning. Not to be mean or that she didn't like me, just I was not who she wanted to see. When the nanny is home, that means Mom won't be.

If you like your new nanny and she meets your needs, the bond will develop between her and your kids, it just takes time.

To help, I suggest having the nanny take each child out for a fun day just the two of them, so they can bond. I would also share stories about my life with the family to bond. Maybe the new nanny should bring in family pictures or other personal items.

Best of luck. I know good nannies are hard to find, (I helped a friend hire one a few years ago, and it took a while!), so don't give up.

R. Magby

I would both talk to the nanny, and I would also ask the kids to give it a real solid try for at least 2 months, and if at the end of that, it seems like they've really given her a chance, and they still have some real complaints you will talk about it and try again and consider if you need to try someone else.

A week is really too short a time to expect different kids with different needs to have all bonded yet with the nanny. And the kids need to know they're not stuck forever if they have real reasons down the road. But some pressure to have a better reason that "I don't feel happy" and a realistic trial period should give you a better idea if they can iron it out. Plus you have a little leverage to lean on them if they don't seem to be even trying to give her a chance, because that was the condition for re-evaluation.

Plus then the nanny has a chance to realize that she needs to work a little harder on those relationships, too. Some nannies come in trying to be the buddy, and a lot of kids like that, but don't respect them much. Others come in expecting respect and the friendship takes a little longer to build up to friendship, but usually the respect is much greater. So a couple months should give her some time if she's not the buddy buddy type to build something.

Hi A.,

I don't have time to read previous answers but I did catch your So What Happened. Thankfully your issue seems to have worked itself out.

I am a preschool teacher and a mother, and was a nanny for many years. What really helped me was to do the interview in two parts; first meeting with the parents and then we moved onto a second meeting: a playtime visit with the children with parents around in the background, just so that they could observe and listen and get a feel if I was a good match for their children. It may be worth it to have the applicant come in several times before agreeing to a long-term arrangement. I'd also suggest finding someone who is familiar with helping children the same age as your older children? Professionally, I've met nannies who were great with one age group and really challenged by another. I'd also ask pretty directly about discipline/parenting styles (your nanny is your substitute parent) and what sorts of things she likes to do with children of your child's ages. It helps to have a written contract of what is expected; putting this on paper helps you both assess what exactly the job is and if the person thinks it's something they can do within the time she's at the house.

For what it's worth, I started out choosing not to use contracts because I felt it was pushy. However, I learned that having expectations in writing, including hours, wages, etc. was very helpful and made communication better between myself and the families I worked with.

Good luck with your search!

I wonder why they dont like her? usually i would say that it is a good idea to listen to your kids and if they dotn it may be for a good reason, but you say this has happened before so I might think that maybe they just dont want a nanny? I am not saying that you dont need one I am just saying maybe that is why. If you feel that is why and you like her and you feel there is nothing to worry about I woudl say to give it more time. I would say to talk to the nanny (and your children bc they are older) about it. if they are old enough to understand things fully, just tell them the truth: why you need one and what you hope will come of the realtionship btwn. them all. if your nanny really is good then they will deff. have a wonderful time/realtionship over time. can you give the nanny ideas on what your kids like so she can form a deeper connection w/ them? maybe if they do something they really like they will bond? maybe you can hang out w/ them all too that way they know that you like her and accept her too? good luck!
oh I should have mentioned I was a nanny b4 for many familes: most I loved and still do one I had a very hard time w/ and it was mainly bc the mom did not work w/ me nor did she support me at all w/ her daughter who was 'difficult' and did not listen to me at all....doing things that were unsafe and being very verbally mean to me. all I would have really wanted was for her to talk to me and come up w/ a supportive plan and since her daughter was old enough then talk to her too so we were all on the same page. being open and honest I think will be really appreciated!!!

I was also a nanny for over 10 years for several different familes. I did have some trouble with some kids who were 11 and 13 who I was with one summer. I thought we'd get along great but they were moody and rude to me. I tried to get them to do things like take hikes, walk the dog, etc. but all they wanted to do was hang out with their friends, watch TV or play video games. I never talked down to them but I did have to tell them to do things they didn't want to do and I had no choice about it. I couldn't let their mother down because I was trying to hard to be a friend. I think they resented being told what to do by someone who wasn't a parent and even though I tried my best to be cool and friendly, I had to eventually get tough. Luckily it was only a summer gig for me. I don't know how your kids feel but I know I felt frustrated trying to deal with them and bummed that it wasn't working out how I had hoped. I had only nannied for younger kids at that point--and it was very different. There was no cute bonding and play time--it was mostly they did what they wanted unless I had to tell them it was time to do homework or whatever. Definitely talk to your nanny and like Liza said, be gentle and very nice. She may be feeling frustrated too. Good luck. It can be the best or the worst, as I know too! :)

Do you trust this woman? She's only been there a few weeks it sounds like. Could it be that the kids don't like having somebody new? It could also be that frankly they want YOU. Please note, I am not trying to make you feel guilty- I work outside the home as well and have been through this. I know what helped my son was to take a day or two to spend just with him.

Maybe you could give it a trial month? If they still don't like her in a month then you could look for someone else? They may be missing the previous and need time to adjust to the new nanny.

It is unfortunate your older kids can't pinpoint whats wrong. I hope you can find out what's going on....

I noticed that your children range from a few months to 12 years. Trying to find someone to help in the house, watch an infant, home school a child, and deal with a pre-teen is a lot. Even though you have had a nanny who was perfect, it might be unrealistic to have one person be able to do all that.
Maybe you can find 2 nannies to split the work and one that is better with older children and help with home schooling too. It might not be realistic for you money wise, but it's a thought. I would listen to your children's reaction though and ask them to describe what happens in a day with her. Try to bring out the issues they have.

I like Rose's idea of finding a second person to help. If finances are an issue, maybe you could contact a local college and see if they have elementary education students that need practicum hours for their degree requirements and see if having them homeschool your kids would qualify.

If for some reason you have to find a new nanny, maybe you could include your kids in the selection process. Hope it all works out for you.