My 4 year old daughter will wake up in the middle of the night, usually around 2 or 3 and will have tantrums often until it is time to wake up. This started when she turned 3 right after her birthday party. In the past, it usually occurred after a big or traumatic event and seemed to be "very extreme nightmares". We would go in and comfort her and try get her back to sleep. Now that she is a year older, it seems to have morphed into control issues -having someone sleep in her room (which we have on rare occasions), getting another hug or a kiss, having to go to the bathroom, drink of water, turn the light on, the list goes on. On the occasions that she will sleep through the night, she does not have any nighttime accidents so the bathroom requests are to get us in her room. We have also tried letting her sleep in our bed, but she does not go back to sleep and her tossing and turning also keeps us up. We have also tried a sleeping bag at the side of our bed, which has also not worked.
The past two times this happened it has been before birthday parties, so now I am not sure if it is anxiety. This time it has happened all week and I am exhausted. Her younger sister is having her birthday party tomorrow and I am wondering if there is a connection there.
Last night we tried putting her younger sister into her room to keep her company. She woke her up at 2:30 and proceeded to keep us all up until now. It first started that she had to go potty. I took her and put her right back in bed. then it started. She kept calling for us and I told her if she did not go back to sleep, I would move her sister to her own room. After that happened, the tantrums started. She kept coming to our room and we walked her right back 5 times. When that didn't work she continued to call out and scream from her room or her doorway constantly like a broken record for whatever she thought would get us in her room. I have done everything from comfort her to yelling in frustration and from exhaustion in the past. This time I let her scream it out, except for the 2 legitimate potty trips and the 1 non ligitimate one.
I told her this morning, tonight we will continue our bedtime routine of potty, stories, kisses and cuddles, a sip of water and then I will not be coming to her room or talking to her until the sun comes up. Am I being too ridged? Am I not seeing the obvious and just need to go through some very rough nights before it gets better? I'm just exhausted having little sleep over many nights and don't like the mommy I am when I am tired during the day. I feel more tired than when I had newborns!
Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Hi Everyone,
Thanks you so much for all of your advice. Different perspectives definitely help to see things from all angles and hearing about other experiences were comforting. So, we told our daughter that we would continue with our usual routine of washing up, potty, books, kisses and cuddles and then that would be it for the night and we would see her in the morning. We put a water cup within reach, she could turn on her light if need be, but not make it brighter (it's a dimmer switch) and we left the bathroom light on. The first night, she woke up at 2am and cried for about 10 minutes saying she was scared, but stayed in bed and went back to sleep. The following nights she has decided to sleep in her younger sister's room on a futon, which seems to have helped her feel more comfortable and doesn't disturb my younger daughter's sleep (like when we moved her to the older one's room). The first 2 nights in her sister's room she woke up early 4:30 and 5:30, but we continued with the praise for sleeping solidly until then. The past two nights she has slept through the night until 6-6:30. Which is fantastic! I have tried to make a point of spending more special time with her during the day as suggested, which I'm sure has helped. I am still planning on talking to her doctor about it, since it has been going off and on for about a year. Anyways, thank you again for all that wrote me. I truly appreciated all the input!
You could start out at bedtime with 3 free passes and each time she calls you in she loses one after 3 than she is out of luck. But also then you could tell her if she has all three then XXX will be her reward. After some time either make her go longer than one night and then eventually maybe you could wean her down from it. Have you tried putting a baby gate at her door to keep her from coming out of her room.
I would say if there is a party don't tell her .just to see if it makes a differance. leave a night light on in her room and bathroom so she could go herself if she is able. a sippy cup of water at her bedside. a favorite cuddle toy or blanket that maybe a comfort. classic music playing. be consistant ask heer if something is going on . maybe she can tell you somthing that will help her. good luck S.
I would give her as much attention and comforting as she needs during the day but explain that night time is for sleeping. Do the normal bed-time routine, then explain that you will come in in 5 minutes for a kiss and one potty break during the night. If she calls out/screams explain that favorite toys are going to go to the time out basket and she won't be allowed to play with them for "X" days. (Or she can "earn" them back one at a time by not making a fuss at night.)
You are NOT being too rigid. Children NEED boundries. As parents, we need to set these boundries. Right now, your daughter is running the household. This makes her uncertain and upset. Take control back, and everyone will be happier.
Dear K.,
My colleague, who is a therapist and works a lot with children, says that tantrums for children are much like fevers. Children have fevers in order to "burn out" whatever they no longer need in their system. They have a healing purpose for some children, but are difficult for anyone else to have to be around. It is usually best and most effective to allow the child to go through the tantrum without any input, except letting the child know you love them and they can have their "space" to work this out alone. The causes can be so internal and personal as to not be identifiable externally, Reasoning is developmentally inappropriate at her age, but letting her know you love her and that she will be okay is important. As for her sister, perhaps it would be good at such times to let her sleep elsewhere in order to get her own rest, making sure the older child knows it is temporary and so she can have her own space for the moment - important for her to know that this is not a punishment.
I wish you all well and hope she will grow through soon. I know it is difficult. If it does not "lift" soon, she (and you) may need professional help.
J. Birns
Educator/consultant/mother of two
Sounds like you all have had a rough time.
I think anxiety and insecurity are two flags I see. The anxiety/excitement for the coming birthday parties are something you have already recognized. You might want to let her talk about that sometime when it isn't bed time. Have her talk it out, discuss it with her, help her identify her feelings, and so on.
The insecurity issue, needing attention; she is screaming for it literally. She needs closeness and reassurance. How you find a way to help fill this for you is going to be a puzzle. Each family dynamic is different. I am sorry I cannot be more helpful. Try special time during the day. Cuddles in the morning and or evenings. Family sleeping together (the first few nights may feel awkward) She may toss and turn because she wants to be close to you but feels you don't really want her there so her insecurity isn't resolved.
However you choose to deal with it, I wish you all luck and a good nights sleep.
K.,
My grandson went through that a lot. He is now 4 and it has slowed down a lot but not completely stopped. He lives with me (as does his mother and brother) and I have spent many nights rubbing his back to comfort him.
My daughter tends to ignore him and I tend to comfort him. I have never been able to let my children cry it out but, if you can handle it, your plan for tonight is probably for the best. I saw an episode of Super Nanny (I think that is what it is called) where the parents were having this problem.
The solution was much what you plan. She advised the parents not to get angry or frustrated and not to speak to the child. Just calmly walked her back to her room. It happened over and over for the first few nights and she stopped pretty quickly. I think the key was in staying calm (not easy to do in the middle of a nightly tantrum). I feel for you. This is a really hard situation.
~L.
It sounds like to me this is a control issue and your daughter is in control. What I think I would do it tell her if she can't say in her bed quietly at night, then she will stay there all day. Since she isn't in school, I would literally make her stay in bed all day with her bedroom door closed. Tell her every time you have to get up all night to come to her room, she will stay in that room all day, and all night until the next morning. Eventually she will get tired of that and will calm down at night so she can be part of the world during the day. She is waaaay to old to be getting away with this! She definitely knows exactly what she's doing!
Nope, I don't think you're being too rigid. I'd say you were way more patient w/this than I ever would've been (!)so first, kudos to you for being patient. But, time is up & like another poster said, whatever strategy you're gonna use, stick to it & do not waiver at all. Everyone's sleep is being interrupted which is not healthy. You all need sleep to be productive the next day. I like the idea someone had of 3 'tickets' per night but once she's down to none, I'd worry that that might incite a tantrum. Maybe try a reward chart....every night she stays in bed the whole night, she gets a sticker or a star that goes towards an agreed upon treat. Start off super easy....3 straight nights of no waking up & she gets the reward & as time progresses & she 'gets' it, lengthen the expectation. Make sure she gets lotsa praise from you & her dad for staying in bed like such a big girl. I know her sister is only 2 but make sure she thanks her big sister in some way for staying in bed as well...even if it's just you saying how happy little sister is w/her for not waking everyone up. On the occassion she does wake up at night, just calmly tell her you can't give her the star/sticker & move on. Don't make a big deal out of it...ya know, the old 'ignore the negative & praise the postive' theory. Also, while it might be easier said than, done, when she does wake up, say absolutely nothing to her, ignore her all together & walk her back to bed, tuck her in & leave. Not even a kiss. Do not engage. When our youngest son was 2, he started climbing outa the crib & I used this theory....every time he got out, I took him back & did not speak to him or even look him in the face. Just put him back to bed & left. At one point, he kept trying to get me to look at him by moving my face but I didn't give in. Hopefully, you cna find something that works & everybody can go back to a solid night of sleep. Good luck!
I want to add two thoughts to the already good advice you have received. First, if you choose to tell her you aren't coming in, you have to MEAN it Kids are masters at recognizing when our body language doesn't match what we are saying in words! If we are at all uncertain or feeling even slightly guilty, they will go for the jugular. No malice intended--just basic kid survival skills. Second, when you set a specific boundary, STICK TO IT. If you give in after 15 minutes, next time she will rage for 20 or 30 minutes. It sounds like the "slot machine" principle has all ready set in--maybe the next pull of the arm (or scream) will be the pay-off! A wise teacher once taught me the Candy Machine method of behavioral change. When parents try to change the "rules", as the kiddo understands the rules of the game, the behavior usually gets worse, not better. Because the child is angry. "It always worked before. Mom and dad are CHEATING!" Imagine a candy machine outside your office & every day, you put a quarter in the machine, pull the knob, & out comes the candy. But one day, the price is changed to fifty cents--but no one tells you. The next day you put in your quarter, pull the handle, but no candy. Do you calmly say, "Oh dear, it doesn't work any more" and walk away? Or do you get mad cause the machine stole your money? Do you pull the handle repeatedly, with increasing force, bang the side of the machine, maybe say some rude words? What if you pull the handle 20 times, kick the machine, and swear at it, and then the candy bar comes out! You will soon be putting in your quarter, pulling the handle, kicking, & swearing whenever you want your candy. But, what if nothing you do produces the candy bar? You will eventually give up & walk away. The mistake parents often make is they "delilver the candy bar" before the child has realized that the machine doesn't work the old way any more! I don't know if you should increase the cuddle time, or hang tough. But whatever you decide, stick with the plan. And good luck. Sounds like you have a CEO in training on your hands.
I think your latest plan is a good one and yes, you will probably have some rough nights this week, but it only gets worse as they get older so you might as well get it over with now. She should be a big enough girl to find her own toys, go to the bathroom, etc by herself. My son is 3 and handles nighttime issues on his own. Once I tuck him in, say prayers and hugs and kisses mommy is off duty. We have gotten beyond all bedtime excuses. When he had to go to the bathroom, we gave him 2 minutes then back to bed. He could only do this once a night. He was expected to get a drink of water when he brushed his teeth. If he called for one after lights out I would calmly tell him that the human body can live over 2 days without water, he would make it until morning.
Keep in mind that you can't truely MAKE you daughter sleep or be quite. At this point I would just require her to stay in her room for the night. At some point she will get tired of yelling at her door and go back to bed.
On nights that you feel it could be a high "anxiety" night for her you could try giving her a remedy before bed. The three that I use for my kids when we fly on airplanes or anytime they are having a really hard time with something are Rescue Remedy (this does have alcohol in it, but you can put a few drops in her water and you barely taste it), Calms Forte Homeopathic (it tastes good, so they readily take this), and chamomile tincture made for kids in glycerin instead of alcohol (again it tastes good). These are all safe remedies for kids and I use them together or by themselves. It sometimes takes 2 doses spaced out by about 15 minutes before I see a change. Good luck.
Have you had a conversation with her during the day, when she's not upset, about why she thinks she does this? At four, she should be able to give you some idea unless she really doesn't know herself why she's doing it.
Also try to think about that last birtday party and see if you recall anything about it that might have triggered these episodes.
I liked the idea that one person mentioned about the three chances. Our daughter has three flamingo figurines that she puts up on the shelf in the closet of the room her two daughters share. They have three chances during the night, and a flamingo is taken out each time a parent has to go to them (for anything other than a necessary response). If all three flamingoes are still in the closet by morning, they get a special treat at breakfast. The girls come to our house for care three days a week and often burst through the door in excitement to tell us they had three flamingoes that morning. I think the flamingo idea is good, because it's an unusual item to have in a child's room.
I agree with what Joya below has said. My son is tantrum-prone and used to have them at night if he awakens or is woken up. He would wake up screaming and then have something fixed in his mind that had to be a certain way (i.e. light on, door open, someone there right away, etc.). If we would engage him then the tantrum would simply increase so our best strategy was to not engage, pretend we were asleep or quietly walk/carry him back to bed and lie with him without talking until he calmed himself down. When we would ask him about it the next morning, he would have little, if any, memory of it. I don't think at this age tantrums are 'deliberate'. I think they do serve a purpose and I also think they are quite terrifying to the child. So whatever you can do to not react with anger will be helpful to everyone (I know it's hard!).
My son is now 5 and doesn't have the tantrums hardly at all anymore, though he sometimes gets scared and cries. So, hopefully this will soon pass for you. And a call do the DR. couldn't hurt, either.
Best of luck to you!
N.
Is it a possibility that there is a medical issue?
Does she snore? If so she could have sleep apnea (sp?) which makes sleeping difficult. It can also cause kids to have challenging behavior because they are sleep deprived. You can ask your family doctor about it.
Have you tried holding her and rocking her when she wakes-up? I know she is older, but sometimes big kids need this type of attention too. Some people will tell you that responding this way will encourage her current behavior, but I disagree with that. It might be worth a try.
Good luck to you!
Oh man you must be exhausted. I don't think you are being too rigid. You need sleep and this has caught you by surprise, no one thinks they will be this sleep deprived when their children aren't newborns. Ok this is what I think, everytime you go in her room after she's been screaming or whatever, say it's been 5 min. So now in her little mind she's thinking ok mommy will break down and come in here if I just scream for 5 min. So maybe next time you wait 10 min, now she knows you breaking point is 10 min. and it will keep going as long as you keep playing her game. Everytime she gets out of bed, the first time you say to her, "it's bedtime now, I love you kiss her and put her in bed and walk out the door. The next time she gets out of bed say nothing and just put her to bed. And repeat this everytime she gets out of bed after that. She is looking for interaction with you and if you just don't give it to her and here is the key, don't give in, just keep walking her back to bed. It may be a long night but sooner or later she's gonna get that mommy isn't going to fall for the stuff she's been pulling and hopefully it will only take one night. You can't give in. I first saw this on the Super Nanny and it works and I've used it, it sucks it's hard but it's best for the long run, she needs her sleep and so does the rest of the family. Good luck, HTH!
My son who is now 8 went through VERY similar situation. I really did not know what to do, so I called his doctor and we were told that he had night terrors and we worked through that period. About a year later he started similar night time experiences that your daughter is going through and we were told by his doctor that it was related to his night terrors. He was waking up right before or in the middle of a terror and he did everything that he could to go back to sleep becuase he was afraid but unaware that that what was going on. I would just give a call to her doctor for advice.
