Advise

This is so sad, my heart is in pain...
I know it may not be appropriate to take the 2-year old along with you all the time, but do so as much as you can. What does the 18 year old think of taking the 2-year old along?

Dear J.,
Wow, you have a lot on your shoulders and you are blessed to have a Grandparent around to help you. Take time out for 15 minutes and read to him. Maybe you can make it a date. Just you and him and that is something that you can share.
Take a breath and pray. I have found that in my most stressed out moments if I will just take time to pray and ask God what to do I find rest and clarity.
We will be praying for you and your family.

J.,

I don't have any wisdom that hasn't already been shared by the other women, but I did say a prayer for you and your sons. I pray that God will ease your family's suffering and get you through this difficult time. In Jesus name I pray.

HI, there-

I'm not sure where you live, but you might want to check out Gilda's Club North Texas. It is located in Dallas, on Oak Lawn Avenue, not too far off of 35. Gilda's Club is a place for people living with cancer (men, women and children), along with families and friends. It has a wonderful children's program and offers all sorts of support for people who are in situations similar to yours. There is nothing like being with people who really understand what you are going through. The phone number is ###-###-####. You might want to check out their website as well, which I think is www.gildasclubtx.org.

All the best.

L.

My goodness! You are fighting a tremendously difficult fight and trying to juggle all of the rest of life at the same time-give yourself a break!
I worked in pediatrics for many years and have seen the younger siblings of sick kids watching from the sidelines while Mom and Dad are ravaged by the situation. Surprisingly, even the youngest seem to do really really well.
You do not need to feel guilty about this.
It will help you and your toddler to take a couple of hours anytime you can find it and just play and snuggle. In the meantime, Grandma is, I am sure, doing a lot of good in the situation.
As for speech, it is probably time to have an evaluation, but my guess would be that your little guy is just observing the world around him and will be fine.
Try to remember that, though you don't feel like you are giving enough time to your younger child, it is the love of the entire family that matters. While a family struggles with a life threatening disease, even a small child is capable of seeing that there is love and caring.
Praying that all your struggles end in peace...

Hello J., First let me say that my heart and prayers go to you and your family. I know what a toll it takes, I lost my mother last Sept. to lymphoma. Your two year old son is to young to fully understand, but perhaps he feels the trauma and the problem is phsycological, I say this for when my husband died years ago my son and daughter were young, my son reacted in anger, my daughter totally shut down, she had times where she refused to talk and made her own sign language to communicate. And even though it is very hard to beleive, but even at such a young age they grasp the situation of loss, and the emotional toll it takes is tremendous for someone this young for they do not fully understand and it is very scary for them. Try to reassure him that you or anyone else is not going anywhere and that he is secure. I hope that this will help. I pray that your son's cancer goes into remission and that they will find a cure for this evil invasion. Have hope, they are working on a way for radio waves to destroy cancer cells and the discovery is very promising at this point.

J.,
I am so sorry to hear about your son. I have a brother that currently has lymphoma as well.
Please remember one thing - God knew before even you did that your son would have cancer. He knew that even in this difficult situation you would be the best mother for your sons! He handpicked you for your two sons - I hope you find comfort in that. Your little boy is still so young and is probably enjoying time with his grandma. I will pray for your family!

J.,
What a difficult and stressful situation and you are a great mom wanting the best for everyone. I wonder if you have thought about contacting ECI to assess your two year old and maybe support him in his language development, if he is not talking yet then the potty trainning can be very hard. They can provide services at grandma's and even give you ideas on how to maximize the time you spend with your little one so you don't feel so guilty.
Good luck and hopefully it will get easier soon!

First,I am sorry for what you and your 18 yr old son are going thru. Try not to feel too guilty. You are doing what has to be done. And you are lucky you have Grandma to watch him.
Second,my three year old is not potty trained and could care less! Also he didn't talk untill a couple of months after his second b-day. We did have ECI(early childhood intervention)come to our home with a speech therapist. It helped a lot. talk to your Dr. about that. They can come to Grandmas house also. Mine was just twice a month. My son loved it! He had two ladies giving him their un-divided attention for about an hour or so. good luck to you and your family.

Dear J. P,

My heart goes out to you! I've already said a prayer for you and your entire family. Please don't feel guilty. Just do the best you can. That's ALL you can do! (and it sounds as if you are already doing that.) You are dealing with a very tough situation. There is no perfect answer.

My only suggestion would be to try to enlist help taking the 18 year old to his doc appointments. Perhaps your husband, your 21 year old and grandma could pitch in to help with some of the appointments, so you can spend more time with the 2 year old.

Please know that others care--even others you don't know.

Deb D
1 Peter 5:7

I just want to say hang in there. Boys usually talk later and potty train later. You have an extremely difficult situation. Your 18 yr old has great needs. Is it possible to just work part-time? Hug that 2 yr old every chance you get!!!

You poor thing! You must be absolutely overwhelmed! While my situation is not the same, I do have some words of hope. I am a single mother and had to work 70 hours a week for almost two years. I missed so much time with my kids that I seemed more like a stranger to them at times. My poor daughter did not even know me until she turned three and God opened the doors of Heaven where I could start working from home. We are now extremely close! She is now 4 and I am loving the family bond we all have now! My point is that your little one is so young and they are VERY resilient. The time that you are losing now does not have to impact the future relationship. It sounds like he is in good hands and probably is not as concerned as his little momma :) Hang in there! When prayers go up, God comes down.

-E.

Do not feel guilty. You are doing the best you can in a very tough situation. Your youngest son will be fine; whenever there is a sick child in the family, other children get less attention ... its hard if not impossible to avoid. Its good that his grandma can help out and give him her time and attention. Maybe you can also set aside time now and then to just focus on your youngest ... it would be good for both of you. I also wouldn't necessarily worry about your youngest son's development if he seems fine in other ways. Not speaking and not using the toilet by 2 is not very unusual. I have an incredibly bright and talented nephew who did neither until 3.5. Then, he immediately started speaking in full sentences.

My prayers are with you and your family.

I have 2 children, a 3 year old and an 18 month old. My 18 month has a medical condition that requires a lot of dr visits. I was just feeling like I have missed so much the last year with my 3 year old and spent a good 30 minutes looking at old pictures to remind me of the past year. I think as moms we always feel some degree of guilt about so many things. But you can only do so much in one day! I say treasure the time you can spend with your 2 year old, take lots of pictures of you all together, even if it's just simple everyday things, like meal time, bath time, drivng to school. Just having snapshots of the time you do get to spend with him will remind you that you do get time and your time is very precious. I have missed putting my 3 year old to bed at night, so there have been many nights that I sneak into his room and whisper in his ear how much I love him . . . and if he wakes I just crawl in bed next to him for a few minutes. I know your heart must be so full of so many emtions dealing with a sick child. My thoughts are with you.

First of all, I am so sorry about your son. My prayers are with your family. I wouldn't worry about your little boy since he is still with family while you go through this difficult time. Maybe "Grandma" could meet you for lunch and spend a little time with him. I think at this age, just having some sort of schedule for him is key. With many hugs and kisses when you are with him is probably plenty for him to feel wanted and loved. Don't feel guilty about something that you have no control over. He is two and most likely not really remember this time in his life except the love that he feels around his family. I think you are probably doing that already, so try not to worry about him. Take care.

Hi J.,

I have a 25 yr old son with Cystic Fibrosis and my youngest is 13. Through the years there have been times when he was very ill and I spent a lot of time with him in hospital and to and from doctor's offices. I believe your little one will turn out fine he won't remember this and your current situation is temporary.I know you feel guilty, but don't, you have no control over this. Right now just love your baby and don't try to push him or worry about what he "should" be doing. Your 18 yr old is sick and for now needs you more. I know how hard it is to want to be two places at once, you just hang on you will get through this. If you need someone to talk to e-mail me anytime. A.

J., what an immense responsibility you have - you are in my prayers - please know that. I guess with your 2 yr old maybe being grateful that he has a grandma living close enough to help out with his care is enough at this time of your life. You haven't abandoned him - you just are limited by the number of hours in a day. He knows that deep down in his little heart and spirit. When you are with him - I suggest focusing totally on him alone. Read to him, play outside, go for a walk, go to the library or just snuggle up with him close to you. Just continue to show him your love especially for him. I believe God will make a way for you and all your children. Don't be too hard on yourself - you also need a bit of time to get a pedicure, manicure, massage, etc. You must take care of yourself as well. Hope this helps a bit. Remember that God is still God and He will carry you thru this difficult time. Lean into HIM and He will show Himself strong on your behalf. Memorize a Scripture that speaks to you
then speak it either silently or out loud when you're especially stressed or feeling less than able to deal with everything. God bless you, your family and I pray for healing for your 18 yr old precious son. In Jesus Name I Pray.

Love on your older son, and cherish this time with him. I have a 5 year old friend in remission after a year with lukemia. Your two year old will be a stronger better person for having seen you be where you needed to be, and have a very close bond to his Grandma. Try not to worry about the things you cannot control sweetie, this truly is not your fault or anything you can control. Make the time you are able to spend with you little one count. Get in the floor with him and play when you can. He will be just fine, kids are resiliant! I find that when I ask my 4 year old son "what do YOU want to do" it's fairly simple, just play cars or something easy. You might try this! I will pray for you and your family! S., I have two wild kiddos 8 and 4 :-)

I am so very sorry for you situation. I don't have any great advice for you, however, I volunteer with an organization, Heros for Children, who may be able to help you "create" more free time with your little one. You can check them out at http://www.heroesforchildren.org/.
Please don't beat yourself up with guilt - it sounds as though you are doing the best you can given the situation.
You're in my thoughts and prayer.
Please contact HFC for help with your situation. I'm certain they'll be able to help!

I am so sorry to hear about your son. That has to be so hard. I am going through cancer treatments right now, but I am so thankful that it is me and not my kids. I really hope he gets better soon. I have a friend who is now 32 and went through the same thing when he was 19. He is healthy. They told him that he probably wouldn't be able to have kids and he has 3 beautiful children with out having any problems concieving.

As for your 2 year old, you could contact Early Childhood Intervention that serves your area they have a website. They will come to your house or your child's grandmother's house to evaluate him. The tests are free and it is mostly testing through playing. I used to work for them before I had children. If he qualifies then they have a sliding rate based on your income that is very low. They also try to bill your insurance, but I think you can decline if you want. Usually insurance will not pay for speach therapy for very young children. All of the appointments can be at your house, his daycare if he goes or his grandmothers. They are very nice and accomidating.

I will pray for your son.

That must be real hard. It is nice that you have the support of other family. Boys take longer to potty train then girls so I really would not worry about it till he is about 3-3 1/2 years old. As for the talking, that depends on the child. My son mumbled here and there, but he really did not start talking till almost 3. I pray that your older son gets better.

Quit beating yourself up! Your 18 year old son needs you to be there for him physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your two year old is in good loving hands and will be cared for. Both my middle son and my grandson did not talk till after two years old and then off they went verbally--no need to worry. As for potty training 2 is still young and it is something that can wait till he is interested. When it is time get the book Potty Training in less than a day--it makes it fun for both parent and child and it works!! It will be a day devoted to just you and him so plan accordingly to have your other responsibilities off your shoulders for the day. If it was your two year old you were spending all the time with you would feel guilty about neglecting the 18 year old. You are doing the best you can and you need to stop feeling guilty. When you are with your 2 year old then make the most of the time you have without interference of housework or other responsibilities--read to him, hold him on your lap and cuddle while watching a movie--just relax that will be what both you two will need. I am praying for you and your family. Remember with God you have someone to lean on for strength. A.

Bless your heart! I can't begin to imagine the emotions you're going through with everything. Trying to take care of everyone and think of everyone....

I have a 19 month old son right now. To start, he isn't really talking yet either. He says maybe 5 words now and that's a stretch. But I think it very much depends on personality too. My son is very laid back with things. I wouldn't worry to much just yet with that. And I'm sure his grandma is giving him attention and working with him the best she can.

I know it's so hard but you have to just 'deal' with it right now. I think you just need to focus on getting your other child healthy right now. Just show your toddler lots of love and affection when you can and he's going to be just fine.

You and your family are in my prayers and I hope that your son gets better soon!!!

God Bless!

Most 2 year old boys aren't speaking yet. And rare is the 2 year old boy that is potty trained. I took my then 3 now 7 year old with us to all of my mother's doctor appointment - and by the time my mother passed away my little girl was very good at checking your pulse and listening to your heart. one internist even gave her a working stethoscope. Boys are often more physical and less likely to sit through a visit. Let him stay at Grandma's ... those days are precious, as is your alone time with your other son. GUILT IS NOT A HEALTHY MOTIVATOR. Don't fall into that trap. Love them each as they need you and realize that grandma is a very valuable part of the equation right now.

My heart goes out to you; we will pray for your son and your family.

I see your profile says you are married. Where is your husband in all of this. Could he take your son to the doctor and you split those duties. I realize it is a very tough time and your family is in my prayers. However, I couldn't help but notice you said nothing of what dad does. Could Grandma join you when you take your older son to the doctor so your 2 year old could also be with you?

God bless you, you have alot on your plate and you don't need to beat yourself up. Your son doesn't have to be potty trained right now. As for talking, that may be something he wouldn't do yet even if you were spending more time with him. Designate an evening per week that you devote to only your 2 yr old. If it's taking him to the park, playing with him at home, etc and get your family to be on reserve for your 18 yr old on that evening. You are fortunate to have Grandma for him and not just any baby sitter, this will be a good memory for your son. By just designating one night that you give him your undivided attention, you will feel better and he will bring some joy to cheer you as only little children can do.
Be strong, of good courage, and God be with you.

J., I don't have any idea what you are going thru but I have a friend that had a boy with cancer and she lived her 2 years for him at the hospital and at the treatment center and she was a single mother of 3. It was very difficult for her because she had no family to help and she had a good church family. There was many days when I would talk to her and ask her what we can do. Pray she would say. Her other 2 children did the best they could to take care of themselves and alot of times that's exactly what they did they were teens at that time. Do you have people to help maybe relieve you from taking all those trips to the doctors. Your 2 year old needs his mommy and I know that you are probably stretched pretty thin with work and all but you need to make time for your 2 year old also. Involve him in things you do for the 18 year old. I know how it is to take a 2 year old out to the doctors so see if someone can help you. I will pray for you and God Bless you and give you strength and comfort you.

First of all - you are super-mom and I would bet all of us hope for the best for your whole family. You will get through this and so will your toddler. Prayers for your family.

Do boys really talk before age 2? Mine wasn't potty trained until he was 3 and it was another six months before he stopped asking for a diaper to poo in. (Losing that poo to the great unseen abyss was a hard concept for him). We didn't even TRY to potty train him before 3 so don't even worry about it unless he's really WANTING to. Do you not remember that once the talking starts it often never stops? Enjoy the quiet!

I know you feel you are not giving enough time to your toddler but I guarantee you are doing fine. The fact that you are worried about it during this hard time with your middle child tells me you are on top of it. Kids adjust and as long as they know they are loved, all tends to be forgiven in my experience. Hang in there! J.

You don't mention your husband and how he is helping you with this load. Can he spend more time with your 2-year old? It's wonderful that his Grandma can help out. Could your husband fix his schedule and relieve you of some of the jobs. Perhaps he could take your son to the doctor part of the time. Anything that he can do to pitch in will relieve you. Does he have any idea just how overloaded you are?

Your son's illness needs your most attention at the moment. However much you feel guilty, reverse the situation and you know that you would spend at least an equal amount of time if the illness had struck your baby. It's hard not to feel guilty since you care about both sons. I'm sure your son has good care. When your 18 year-old is well again, you spend lots more time with your toddler. Don't worry about his potty and talking skills. Boys are always slower than girls and he knows you are under stress---so is he.

Somehow we all manage through crises. I hope you get more support/help from your husband. You may want to have an evening where you can both talk about the situation and how best to save everyone's sanity.

Best wishes to you.

I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that I will definitely be praying for you. Good luck!
A.

May many prayers be sent your way to you and yours...
I recommend when you have the time do a search on "lymphoma essiac tea"

J.,

I don't have any more advice than you've received, but I just wanted to say God Bless You! You are a loving soul, and I will pray for you and your family! You will do a great job, and I am sure that you truly are, and your family can see that you are. Just spend a few special moments with your little one before bed or something and that will mean so much, just those few alone moments. You are doing all you can and you shouldn't feel any guilt for that.

A.

Life gives us tough choices some times.

You are blessed to have family around you to share the burdens and the joys. You know where your priorities lie right now. I doubt that your two year old is suffering much. We care for our almost four year old granddaughter during the week, and I doubt that anyone thinks she's being deprived.

Her parents can deal with her all they want when she becomes a teenager. I'll take these younger years when my kids were in day care. They can deal with teen hell. I've already been there.

In your situation, you have a more clear cut choice. Sometimes we get second chances. Sometimes we don't. I wouldn't gamble on this choice. Hopefully, you'll all have many, many happy and healthy years ahead of you.

I really feel for you and you should be proud that you are doing so much for your son. I know you don't have a lot of time with your younger son, but what is more important is the quality of time you spend with him. Take just a few minutes and play with him and show him how special that he is to you...telling him repeatedly how much you love and care for him. I wouldn't worry about the talking and potty training thing right now. It isn't a contest anyway, and most children get to a point where they are ready to be potty trained without a lot of training required. Take care of your older son and just make the time with your younger son as special as you can. God bless you and your family!

Feeling guilty does no one any good so try to cut the guilty feelings out of your consideration. Now you face the real problems you have: time management seems to be the biggest. You must look at your time and prioritize the things you need to do. Work is number 1 as that keeps home and food on the table. Your son with the leukemia is #2 because his health is most important just now. The 2 year old is #3. Don't worry about training him to go potty or talk. That usually comes around age 3 anyway. What you need for him is a warm and loving, caring place for him so you can deal with #1 and #2. This is only temporary because your older son will get better and then you will have more time with the toddler. Think of this: you only have so many hours in a day and you mustn't forget to take care of yourself so you can keep all the balls in the air. Be thankful that grandma can help you take care of the toddler and just try to do the best that you can. Your plate is so full of duties that you need to not spend the time worrying about the guilt. I admire you because you have solved your problems and are willing to let your grandma do the baby sitting.
I am the grandma in our local family and I provide 52 hours a week babysitting for my daughter and son-in-law as they both hold down jobs and my daughter is in graduate school at night. Rather than focusing on guilt, we all work at solving the immediate problems and nourishing our relationships so that "our" grandson has the best of both and all of us. Guilt is destructive so we try to keep it out of our world; we are doing the best that we can to deal with the issues life has put in our lives and our grandson is a wonderful happy, adjusted child of 15 months of age. I have been caring for him since he was 3 months old and I look forward to each day with him.
Good Luck and count your blessings each and every day. Appreciation of your options will help you donw your path.

J.,
I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Don't worry about your 2 year old. He will not remember this time and he is not missing out because he's with his grandma. I understand you are missing out on that sweet toddler time, but try to spend just some special time with him each day. Even if it's only 5 minutes. Find a 5 minute story you can read to him every night, make a little ritual out of it, maybe add a song or patty-cake, and that's all you need to keep him happy and bonding with you.

Your other son needs you now and he is remembering and watching every moment, so stick with him and do not feel guilty. You are doing what you need to do. Try to make the time with him as positive as you can... if you're driving can you both listen to some Monty Python tapes or something? Something funny to share together would make these times more bearable for you both.

Bless your heart, J.! I think you just need to continue doing the best you can with the cards you've been dealt. Can your two-year-old come to the hospital with you or is that just too much chaos? Even though he'd probably be bored, he might enjoy being included. I'm not even sure if the hospital would allow that.

I don't know what to tell you except that I am praying for you and both of your sweet sons. I pray that God will guide you to do what's best for the baby while continuing to be a great, supportive mom to Alex. And most of all, I pray for Alex's healing and remission so you all can get back to a normal life. Also, if the baby is well cared-for at Grandma's, don't beat yourself up about not spending enough time with him right now. You can only do as much as you can do.

God bless you and your family,

M.

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