Advise on a New Life

You can make him leave and you should. If anyone called my kid names I'd have a hard time not ripping their throat out. You will likely have to sell the house if it is in both of your names. Selling before it destroys your credit rating, especially if you are the primary borrower is important. I would advise you to call legal aide in your area for representation. Much like in a divorce situation you should be able to get a temporary relief order in place requiring him to leave and possibly continuing to contribute financially while you resolve the housing matter. I'm guessing you are paying far too much for a mortgage payment and selling and going back to renting will free up some money for you and possibly allow you to get a car.

I would really advise you not to leave the house though, unless you feel it is unsafe for you and your child to be there. If you leave, you may forfeit your right to come back and he could stop making mortgage payments and live there free of charge until the bank forecloses. I hate to say this, but that might be an option for you to consider, stopping payments and letting it go into foreclosure would probably give you about six months or possibly as much as a year of free rent while saving the money to start a new life. If you are already behind on payments, owe more than the house is worth - I know good people who've had to make those choices.

As for concerns about your son having special needs, the best thing you can do is move forward with testing, diagnosis and treatment. I promise you this will be beneficial to you and your son long term and long term is how you need to think as a parent. You really do need to ask yourself if the decisions you're making now will be good in a year, in five, in ten - for both you and your son. Your local public school district will have numbers for you on early intervention services. If you do not have transportation - they will often come to your home or line up a means for you to get yourself and your son to appointments.

Act now, this is your life and it's important.

Legal Aid of Milwaukee - ###-###-####
St. Francis Children Center - ###-###-#### (Early Intervention Services in Milwaukee)

I've been there. You are the choices you make in life. If you want a better life, you need a plan to get out of this toxic situation. Failure and self-pity is not an option. It takes time for change to happen, but it can. Contact your local family independence agency and see if they can give you some information as to types of help available regarding child care, transportation, and counseling. Can you contact your family or friends for support? If you are 100% sure you want change and tell them how serious you really are, maybe they'll help out. You have to be sincere and have a plan to show them that you are ready to move on. If they see that, they should help. You will have to make sacrifices to get out of this rut, but in the long run, you will be better off. I know where you are coming from as I left my first marriage after a year and a half for greener pastures--and I found them:) Find a good family attorney and see what the laws are in your state regarding child support too. Just make sure that you are sincere and honest with those who offer to help you. You don't want to burn any bridges. There is light at the end of this tunnel if you work hard to get to the end.

Hope this helps some:)

M.

You need to get out of this relationship as it does affect your child. I was in a similar relationship years ago and went to the local battered woman's shelter. They gave me wonderful advice and headed me in the right direction to people who could help me. The relationship does not have to be physically damaging to receive help through them. They are very knowledgeable about what programs are available to help you. Good luck.

i would suggest talking to your local DHS office. they have programs that can help you, whether you kick the bf out or not. I would suggest Food Stamps (EBT), the Family Investment Program (FIP), and WIC (Women, Infants and Children), to help pay for some things and save you money. We have Food Stamps and WIC and they save us a ton each month. My family of 3 gets about $300 a month on EBT, and WIC gives us checks to redeem for certain foods, like cereal, milk, and fresh fruits/veggies. The DHS workers always know how to help, and if they can't, they know programs that can.

You need to prepare yourself to support you and your son alone. If you are feeling this way, I guarantee your bf is too and chances are, he is already looking for a way out, even if he says he's not.

Ask him to go to counseling with you. There are lots of services out there that will counsel people for free, or for a reduced rate based on income. If he wants to stay with you, he will agree to the counseling. If not, take that as a big red flag and prepare yourself!

Start looking for a roommate who can help with the house expenses or consider giving it back to the bank. It's not the worst thing in the world and could give you a chance to start over.

Above all, you need to put your son before any man, even his dad. If he is not supportive of you and your boy and refuses to go to counseling, then he should not be in your life.

Have you thought about going back to your family and apologizing for your behavior and asking for help? I think it would make a world of a difference having that support if you can.

There is always a way out. Do you belong to a church or any organization that could help you? Any programs at work that might help? Would your family or friends help if you told them about what you wrote here? Could you sell your house? Since you are the main borrower you should be able to do this and then split up the earnings so you and your boyfriend can part ways. You may need to call a lawyer to help you with that or call your bank/mortgage company and see what your options are about getting out of a joint contract. Good luck!
A.

Updated

I commented earlier, but wanted to comment again. This was my God message on facebook today and it made me think of you, even though we have never met. I hope it helps give you encouragement.

On this day of your life, Angela, we believe God wants you to know ... that transformation is possible at any time.
Message from God
A person can transform, a situation can transform, even the planet can transform. Never lose hope. Under the proper conditions of love, faith, and belief, transformation is quite possible.

Don't give up!
A.

I know it sucks but more than likely you will have to start all over again. Is there a way you can get your name taken off the mortage and any other payments? How about having family help you with a place to stay and a car to use or take you to the places you need to? Maybe if you go to social services and explain your situation then they can try to get you a home and a car for you and your son. But if you need someone to talk to I can help you out. I might not know what else to do for you but I can lend you a vitual shoulder to lean on. I will private message you my email address and good luck!

S.,
I think you have to lay it on the line with your family and just tell them you have no where to turn and really need their help. They are your family, and they love you.

Best of luck to you. You can do it.

.

You know what ALOT of us women put ourselves in these situations. It use to be the norm. I remember my grandmother in England told me a story about how her mother had told her to sock a little away from each of my grand dads paychecks. Hide it in the cookie jar as the saying goes. That way you have the option of getting away if needs be. My grandmother died with her cookie jar. lol

I know this doesn't help you... But I sympatize with you completely. I have no option to leave. I have no way to better my situation as it stands and no family from which to turn. I wish I had a cookie jar!

I think the only thing you can do is go... Go to the bank and ask if you can get your name off the deed and if you can how can you make this happen. Might be as simple as him taking over the deed and you losing all the equaty and such in the house. But at least you'd be out.

If you are this miserable you need to check all avenues. Call health and human services, look into womens shelters, call and ask the only family members you THINK might have sympathy or empathy for you regardless of the past. There has to be someone! Just try.

I'm so sorry though. I think I'm actually going to start my cookie jar. I've been in your position before and'm remembering I don't want to be again. I'm so sorry.

First, go to your family (assuming they are not abusive and neglectful like your boyfriend) and tell them you need help to get yourself and your innocent son out of this situation.

Second, decide to give up your house if you cannot afford it. Lots of people are going through foreclosure and short sales these days. My husband went through one not too long ago and yes, his credit is shot but we're so much better off not having to worry about the mortgage payment. We rent instead and its literally half of what we were paying before.

Third, if you still can't afford rent, food, etc. after giving up the house, look into public assistance. Especially for single moms, you cna get free health insurance for your kid and maybe yourself, food stamps, free or reduced daycare, etc. It might seem like a hassle and your pride may get in the way but this situation is not good for yourself and more importantly, for your son.

You have a responsibility to protect your son adn give him the best chance he has to thrive in this life. And you owe yourself the same. Get yourself out of this situation asap by taking the above steps. You can do it!

You've taken your first step to help yourself by writing this note! There are a lot of great answers other moms have shared, and if you can focus on doing one thing a day to help yourself and your son to a happier, healthier lifestyle, you can and will turn this situation around.

Continue to ask for help - moral support, information, referrals to services, care/education options for your son. Each day, make ONE phone call, or look up ONE program that might alleviate your mortgage situation, or car situation, or relationship situation. Once you ask for help (as you have on this board!), and once you start taking actions to change your life, God/the Universe is so ready to help you bloom. You CAN do it. You've taken the first step.

Reach out to your family and friends. Tell them what you've told us. And, know this, even if it doesn't feel this way to you right now, you ARE up to finding a better life for yourself and your son. You are stronger and more lovable than you know, and this experience is going to make you recognize just how much. I send you blessings, healing, and light to guide you to a brighter path.

Get out. You HAVE to get out. If not for your own mental health, please do it for you little one. A child cannot thrive with someone calling him stupid and retarded.
Your may think your family hates you, but I'll put money on the fact that if you go to them with all of this, they will help you. If they don't, there are womens' shelters all over that will get you some counseling - counseling to help you build up your self-esteem again, AND they have resources to help you figure out your financial situation. If you have to sell the house, then you may have to rent a while to get your feet on the ground again. That's okay. Anything is better than where you are. Find happiness again. For you and your boy.
Please - take the first step. Make some phone calls. There are plenty of no-cost resources to help you get away from him. You can do this. You are capable of great things. Just get away from him so you and your son can breathe again.
God Bless.

Hi S..
Well if I was in your situation, this is what I might try/do....take your little one to the dr. and your child's peditrician should know if he is developing at a normal rate or not, if you dont have insurance for him he should be covered by medicade so that should be free for you. Secondly I would put a add in the paper for responsible roommate!! Get rid of the negative boyfriend as he is only bad news for you and your little one!! Sounds also like you have lost respect from your family if you get rid of the bf they should come around again. Lastly!! Take care of yourself and the little one and be firm and strong your a mom and you can do it!! Be positive!! and prayer is also a great help!!
Best of Luck
W. T.

Just another thought - just plain losing the house is not the worst thing in the world. Selling it will take time, and may be difficult because your bf is there. What you and your son are going through now (I'm speaking from similar experience) is about the worst thing to have to go through. What ever it takes, get you and your son out. You don't have to stay there. Life can be good!

The first step is to SELL YOUR HOUSE. You can't afford it so better to sell it than loose it.

What has changed so dramatically in your financial situation in the last few years? Maybe I'm way off, but I'm guessing you haven't owned this house for more than 3 years. How is it that you bought a house and don't even have a car? Doesn't make sense?

You say that your family hates the person you are now. Did they love and respect the person you were before. Suck it up, go to your family. Admit that you've made some horrible choices and many mistakes and now you want to make it right. Tell them that you need their emotional support and guidence.

I don't mean to sound negative, just being honest. You've created a situation that is extremely difficult to get out of. Have you talked to your bf? How does he feel about your relationship? Is he ready to call it quits? If yes, then decide together how your going to handle it.