Afraid to Sleep over Friends House

Sometimes we think we know someone well, only to find out we really didn't. I wouldn't push her to go. The sudden clinginess and tears over mentioning it really point to something happening. Keep investigating to be on the safe side and let her stay home. If nothing happened and this is just a stage, she'll outgrow it eventually.

My daughter is 10 - and around age 9 stopped wanting to spend the night at friends houses. One lives right across the street from us & she'd come home at 2am because she just wanted to sleep in her own bed.

I think that is normal. I wouldn't push her. I would MUCH rather have my daughter at home anyway ;)

I have to think something happened at best friends house. Don't jump to conclusions just investigate what you see. Pick a time like you driving some where to talk. You won't have to be face to face. Ask casually if her and her bbf are having a disagreement. Or maybe the friend did something that she isn't comfortable with. Or she was scared in some way while there. Does bbf have a brother? Anything there? Assure her that she can tell you anything and won't be in trouble. In the mean time don't force anything. Listen a lot.

Did something happen over there? Number one, do NOT try to push her into going. Let her stay at home. She sounds like she is traumatized by something that has happened at a sleepover in general OR at her friend's in particular.

Number two - I would be worried enough about this to talk to the ped about it and get his or her guidance.

Please don't let this go - get a PROFESSIONAL opinion. Her coming in to your room at night all of a sudden at the same time that she is afraid of being at a particular house overnight really makes me feel that something is amiss, and you need help figuring it out...

So sorry, but my radar is blaring here...

Dawn

Just reassure her, it's OK to not want to sleep over. Not everyone wants to spend the night away from home. That it is OK. Still ensure she will get plenty of social time with her friends. Counteroffer with an outing you host, like taking your DD and friend out to the mall and ice cream, or something else fun. It does NOT have to be a sleep over. OR it can be a sleepover at YOUR house if she prefers. You can find a way to make it not a big deal for her to simply be "unavailable" if she just doesn't want to go. Let her know she can count on you and trust you. She will never be "forced" into sleeping over at a friend's house, ever. I would also casually get her an opportunity to talk to her pediatrician or a counselor because her sudden fear does wave some red flags. It could be just puberty issues or girl-hood drama, but I would be concerned enough to want to find out for sure.

My DD had a friend as a small child she was very close to, but as they aged, they grew apart. She decided she did not like sleepovers with her as there was too much unsupervised time, and this girl could really get mean, especially if there was a group of 3. A few games of truth or dare turned ugly. A number of times she would end up home in tears before the night ended. Sure enough, the friendship was just not meant to be long-standing. Friend was very into growing up, and DD was still more of a small kid at heart. However, DD did quite well on sleepovers with other friends if it was not with this particular girl, and if it was NOT a group of 3.

because i don't know you or the friends you are talking about or even the age of your dd, my spidey senses are tingling over this like Dawn's

the other part of my brain says, my own kids have frequently bounced from sleepign well to wanting to come in bed with us during the night and back.

If YOU have ruled out any significant issues like molestation, or friend being mean, or something scary happening like a storm, or something like you gettina new boyfriend, or starting a new job, or her starting school. Then i would just wait it out. don't push her, see if she wants the girl to come sleep at your house.

Is your daughter withdrawing from friends in general or just doesn't want to sleep at someone else's house? If she is still being friendly and outgoing during the day and is okay going to play at a friend's house, then I wouldn't worry as much about sleeping over. Some kids just don't like to sleep at other's houses. Sometimes kids go on a few sleepovers and then start feeling anxious about being away from home. I would just give your daughter lots of reassurance and not push the sleepover thing. I would also go with what your gut is telling you - if you think there is something deeper going on, there probably is. Continue to have open dialogue with your daughter and try to give her whatever support she needs. Try to find out what is bothering her at night. Maybe she is anxious about something going on in her life.

My kids did not do well at sleep overs and I hated getting calls at 1 PM so we did "half sleep overs". They would go over to the friend's house and play and have dinner and get in PJ's and watch a movie, and then I would get them at 11 PM and tuck them into their own bed. With sleep overs kids fall asleep late and then are up early, so I would end up with a cranky kid all weekend. The half sleep overs work much better for us: almost all the fun and none of the drawbacks.

Don't push it.

Let her try again when she is comfortable to do so...

I suggest that she's just going thru a phase during which she feels anxious or less secure. It happens as we grow and life changes even in subtle ways. Its still close to the beginning of school. She's with a new teacher. She may be making new friends. Lots of possible reasons for her to be anxious that aren't serious or damaging.

I would continue to be sympathetic, not pushing her to go sleep overs. Be open to conversations. Don't assume nothing is going on. Don't assume something is. Just be available for talks with an open mind.

Above all, do not try to get her to go to sleepovers. Tell her it's just fine to stay home. That is the way to be supportive of her feelings.

I know nine is kind of young, but is her body changing? It could be something like that, and the thought of changing in front of her friends is embarrassing. I had a good friend who developed early, and sleepovers and trips to the swimming pool were really hard for her at the time, because the other girls hadn't started developing yet.

My 9 yo used to look forward to sleep overs, even went to one or two and had a great time. Then she went to sleep away camp this summer. She only lasted 2 nights and came home early. Ever since then, she not only does not want to go to any sleep overs, but she doesn't want to go away on family trips either. She said she just likes sleeping in her own bed. I am hoping this is just a phase, because our vacation this summer was a nightmare. My daughter also suffers from anxiety and for some reason in the last 6 months it has increased tremendously. Night times can be bad with lots of bad dreams and then fears about having bad dreams.

Any way, for her, she started therapy. I wouldn't push it with your daughter. I would first try to find out what she is scared of at night that is causing her to come into your room.

Don't push it.
For her to act like this suddenly, is weird.
I have a 9 year old.

Talk with her.
See what happened over there or what is going on.
This is weird.

Don't make her feel awkward about it.
She NEEDS you to understand.
Something is going on.

Or, any problems with friends or at school???

For her to cry, just thinking about going to her friends house, is odd.
Do not, push it. And do not make her feel bad about it.
Be on her side, comfort her, talk with her, find out what is going on.
Just chat about it, in a mellow way... she how she is feeling and why....

If that were my daughter, and her demeanor suddenly changed, and she cried just thinking about going to a friends house and she got "fear" in her... and had changed sleeping habits... I would REALLY... be there for my daughter and find out why.
This is not, the norm or usual behavior.

Even if it is a "phase..." I would still be there for my daughter and not make her feel inadequate because of it etc.

But really, this sounds weird... for your girl to be reacting this way.
You gotta find out, what is going on.
If in the meantime she wants to be near you and sleep, fine.
That is an indication that she needs you.

I wouldnt push the issue. Kids go through all kinds of phases. If you are confident nothings going on, leave it alone.
She'll eventually get over it. Making it a big deal will just make it worse.

I found that girls go through this kind of thing during odd numbered years. Ages 3, 5, 7, 9, etc. are tough. Not sure why. It will pass. Just help her out by telling her she can just tell her friends that you said no.

This is COMPLETELY NORMAL!

Unless my daughter's friends are all ABNORMAL!

My daughter started sleepovers earlier than I did. Probably around age 8 for just one friend, but sleepover parties started at age 9 (which seemed early for me, but a lot of her friends were doing it.)

Quite a few of her friends just stopped wanting to sleep over at anyone else's house. They were perfectly happy to have people over to THEIR house, but didn't want to go to anyone else's.

This wasn't due to any bad thing that happened at anyone's house. They just discovered they wanted to sleep in their own bed.

This happened around age 9 or 10. I personally feel it was due to starting sleepovers too soon when they weren't ready.

I also think that a lot of girls just go through an insecurity phase. Could be due to hormones or "subtle changes" (as one poster so aptly put it) that are going on in their lives.

My daughter has 3 friends in her circle that USED to want to sleep over and now don't. They just want to sleep in their own bed. I think it's just a phase.

Just this last week my daughter attended a party where 2 girls didn't sleep over. I know for a fact that it's because they didn't want to, and they are 10 and 11 years old!

I don't remember doing sleepovers until I was in 7th grade anyway. For some kids, it might just be too early and it only takes them waking up once with a bit of homesickness for them not to want to sleep over anymore.

I wouldn't worry. Give her a few years to grow out of it (unless you see major issues in any other area).

P.S. My daughter goes through phases where she wants to come sleep in our bed. Even when nothing weird is going on in our lives. It lasts a few weeks, then goes away.

How old is she? Is it just this one friend's house? Have there been any major changes in her life where she might be looking for comfort?

ADD: Not to be mean, but did you confirm with your daughter that nothing is "going on with them" for sure? Just because you "know the parents really well" does not mean you REALLY know them. Not to freak you out, but you need to know from your DAUGHTER and not from what you think you know, because "stranger danger" isn't strangers 90% of the time. So be sure; do not assume.