Age-Appropriate Discipline for a 4-Year-Old

Without condoning his behavior, have you talked to him about what happened? Tried to understand why he behaved the way he did? If you can get at the cause of it, you might be able to change it easier than taking his priviledges away. Just a thought - I know how frustrating this can be!

My daughter only understood instant punishment. She didn't care about changes later in the day. I think it hits home more when it happens right away instead of being an all day thing. Time outs worked for us, one minute for every year old. And if the violation happened when we weren't around, we talked about it...and a warning was given. I'd remind her before she left again, and if another poor report was given I would then make her tell the person she was bad for "sorry" and make her understand why it was bad. It worked for us...Good luck

He's responding this way... because he is young. He is not a teen. For a Teen, something like that would work...and because teens do not like to go to bed early and they like to watch tv etc.
For a 4 year old, their "memory" about things happening earlier in the day... is like a LONG time ago for them.

I would have... asked my child what happened... to see HIS telling of the story.
AND, maybe it was not even a big deal anyway? Meaning, LOTS of 4 year olds.... are not "expert" listeners.
Maybe that Coach... expects too much from 4 year olds? That can also be the case. Remember... "Coaches" are not child experts... especially of young kids. They are sport coaches. Not behavioral experts or Teachers.
So they don't always know... how a young child is... because they are used to dealing with OLDER kids or adults.

For example: when my daughter was 5 and in Kindergarten, she had a PE Teacher. She came home crying about PE. I listened to her story. I spoke to that Teacher too and heard his side of the Story. I helped my daughter because ultimately I believed HER. Foremost.
What later happened... was this PE teacher was "laid off." But I found out it was because he was really not age appropriate... and was more like a drill sergeant than a "Coach" (which is what they called him). Apparently, he expected total total total cooperation... from the YOUNG kids.... and if not, he would quite gruffly, make an example of them etc.

Anyway, you cannot expect a 4 year old, to "perfectly" listen and cooperate at this age. There are also ways of "encouraging" kids to cooperate or participate. But to expect them to listen, like a 10 year old, is missing the boat.

It is not about you being too lenient... it is about, age-appropriate "Expectations" and if that is in-line... with the child's age or not. If not, you/a parent/teacher will be continually frustrated with the child... and the child will never be able to be good enough. It is all about "expectations"... and it being age-appropriate or not.

A 4 year old... will NOT 100% of the time listen. No 4 year old will. Nor can they spot on 100% of the time follow direction or do it. It is all about their cognizance and age and coordination, as well.
And yes, 4 years old... is pretty young for soccer... camp. So... a Coach or parent cannot expect a child this age to do everything perfectly.
My daughter takes Karate... and they do not allow kids, until 5 years old, for lessons. Due to a child's development... and maturity.

I would really, see... if this was a BIG deal/problem... or just an age-related glitch. He does not seem to be a behaviorally problematic child... he just seems to be a NORMAL 4 year old.

The book: "Have A New Kid By Friday" is also good, and good for ideas. It is NON punitive...and effective. The author is Leman.

all the best,
Susan

You say he doesn't "seem the least bit phased" Did you intend for your son to be miserable all day? It sounds like the punishments are to spread out and long lasting for a 4 year old who was uncooperative in the morning.

First of all, 3 hours seems long. The soccer camps here (even the ones that have full day options) are only 60-90 minutes for 3-5 year olds. The idea of a 4 year old focusing on soccer for a half day seems like a bit of a stretch.

Maybe tomorrow you can stay while he's there and try to redirect him if he gets off task or IMMEDIATELY pull him if he's not cooperating with the coaches. At 4, those kind of delayed consequences are too far off for him to think about.

My son had this thing in preschool where if the teacher corrected him about something, he thought the teacher didn't like him. The more he thought the teacher didn't like him, the more he would not cooperate, and the more she'd have to correct him. The teacher had no idea he felt that way. When I explained to her that he needed to make friends after the rules were explained (in preschool it was easy for a quick hug), it made a WORLD of difference. He got over that stage fairly quickly, by Kindergarten he was over it.
4 is pretty young for soccer camp. For what ever reason, communication is not happening between the coach and your son. Maybe you could watch one day and see what goes on. Camp is suppose to be fun. I'm not exactly sure punishment in this case is going to get you the behavior you're looking for. Try talking to both your son and the coach and see if you can help them make friends with each other.

I personally believe that discipline has to match the child's personality as well. Our kids are just completely different and respond differently to different punishments (ages 2 and 4).

Our 4 year-old did the same thing last week at Day Care. He's usually really engaged and participatory in circle time (stories, learning, etc). He was unusually disruptive, and the teachers took away his sprinkler time that afternoon. My husband picked them up, and he was first to tell me about it and that our son had lost all his shows that evening (they're important to him). When I got home, the first thing my son told me was that he had been bad and got in trouble. We talked about it, why he wasn't behaving, if he liked being a good or a bad kid, and carried through with the punishment.
He also had to apologize to the teachers first thing the following morning.

Everyone says 4 is easier than 3, but we're finding it to be the opposite with him with blatant defiance, etc. He knows exactly what he'd done wrong but it doesn't seem to phase him.

So, we've asked him what important things are to him (toys, books, shows, time with mom/dad, etc), and we've told him that his punishment will be loss of whatever (fill in the blank).

We can't take him away from day care because we're both working parents, but we've had conversations with the teachers as well that it's a problem at home we're working on and have asked them to carry through at school as well with our permission and support.

Your son is 4. I didn't even know they had camp for that age. I honestly think it is too young for them. Remember his frame. Are they expecting too much for a 4 year old? Maybe he should sit out this year, not as a punishment, but for maturity.
Having said that, I do thnk your son should be able to listen and obey instruction. How do you deal with it at home when he doesn't obey you or listen to your instruction? Do you discipline him for it?
On another note, I highly discourage sending a child to his room alone as a punishment. In our home, we exact whatever discipline we have determined upon right away, and then put the ordeal behind us. We don't drag it out for hours or days. It is our belief that sending kids to their room as a form of punishment only embitters them against us. It teaches them to be just fine without fellowship with their family. We don't want this!! We don't want broody teenagers, and we feel that this type of punishment is a path to that outcome. We correct, have them repent, forgive, and move on. Quick and just discipline. And then we can enjoy the rest of the day in happy fellowship with each other.
My youngest is 4. I cannot imagine her going to a camp or sending her to her room for extended periods of time. I guess we just have arranged our home differently, but it works for us!

I think you're being a bit harsh with the punishments. He's very young to really grasp the whole thing and this seems over the top for some misbehavior at what's supposed to be a fun event. Sounds more like an appropriate punishment for a child a couple of years older who's better able to grasp actions and consequences and can adequately associate the discipline with the misdemeanor.

Maybe you should ask your son why he behaved that way. If he's not old enough to be able to tell you why, then the punishments will do no good because if he doesn't know why, then how will he stop himself from doing it again?

Also wanted to put my two cents in as a soccer coach. The people they get to coach these things are usually volunteers with no kid experience other than raising their own (if they have them). The coach's idea of bad behavior may be very different from what you would consider bad; I hope he gave you specifics. It could very well be the coach's problem, not your son's. I wouldn't tell a parent something like that unless the child was causing a serious problem or it continued for more than one session, but some coaches expect strict adherence to every instruction uttered and don't account for the fact that these are, after all, just kids, and it's not the military they've been signed up for.

If a kid doesn't want too cooperate on a given day, I would chalk it up to him being tired or hungry or just not into soccer, all of which are valid reasons for a kid to not want to cooperate. You can't really expect a four-year-old to act like an adult, especially for three long hours doing something he may not like at all (even older kids who should be able to control their behavior better would have problems with this). As a coach it's my job to coax the kids along into a position of wanting to play to the best of their abilities and interest (as this is not pro level here, there should be no expectations). If your son did not, you can't rule out the possibility that it was not a good coaching environment.

And if I did tell a parent such a thing, it certainly wouldn't be so the parent could punish the child and then send him right back the next day to something he dislikes. It would be more of an offer of info that the child is not enjoying himself, or possibly has some other problem (tired? Cranky? Getting sick? All of which can cause bad behavior in kids too small to properly articulate their feelings). And if he was seriously naughty, I would expect it to not come as a surprise to the parent (as it seems to have to you) because a parent knows if her child is prone to behave like that. It doesn't just start for no reason.

Soccer's not for everybody, even for people who claim to love it. And even people who do love it and are into it can have off days where they just don't want to play. I've seen it all coaching 6-10 year olds for many seasons. Don't expect too much of him; he's very little still. It's supposed to be something fun for him and if he's not having fun, I'd want to find out why.

Of course, if he was just running around and screeching and being naughty, then it sounds like he's just too little for soccer camp and shouldn't be there. Punishing him won't do a bit of good. I've had kids on my teams before who were only there because their parents made them come, and they rarely behaved well (and they were old enough to know better). No amount of punishment will make them like something they don't like and while you may expect them to behave, four-years-old doing something disliked for three hours (with possibly negative coaching methods) while behaving is a bit much to expect. JMO.

I'm not sure most 4 year olds are ready for a 3-hour session of a single activity like soccer! Preschool is one thing where the activities, focus and stations change, and where different areas of the brain are engaged by different activities. I don't know if he's connecting what he did at 10 a.m. with a punishment at 2 p.m., frankly - which may be why it's not registering. My concern with blowing off the birthday party is that the host family has planned for you, and the birthday child is expecting your son. You may be teaching him, inadvertently, that it's okay not to fulfill obligations and that backing out on invitations is okay. I know what you're trying to accomplish but deferring the punishment for so long (early bedtime so many hours after the infraction) may not work.

Maybe the coaches need to mix up the soccer camp a little to make it more interesting. Also, does "uncooperative" mean he doesn't feel like doing drills anymore, particularly in the heat, or does it mean he is mouthing off to the adults? The disrespect can't be tolerated, but simply not enjoying something is another story. I would have the coach call you if your son isn't enjoying the program, and have you take him home early. I know it's inconvenient for you but it seems one of two things will happen. Either your son won't want to leave his friends, which will push him into cooperative behavior, OR he will want to leave which tells you that he's not ready for this type of program or he just doesn't like soccer. He's too young to understand that perhaps you paid for this program and you don't want to waste your money. Chalk it up to experience and plan something else. I don't think most kids are ready for a sports program like this until 7 or 8, particularly if it's every day. The fact that other kids are enduring it doesn't mean they all like it. Perhaps a more varied program would help your son - for example, my son did a "playground" program which involved stuff in the gym, stuff outside, arts & crafts, games and so on. Activities shifted every half hour or so, which is much more developmentally appropriate. I don't even go to the gym every day for 45 minutes because I get bored! Three hours every day might be a bit much for anyone.

I wanted to recommend a book that I think is great for kids of all ages How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

At this age I think a lot of discipline is anticipating and avoiding bad behaviors. Like, don't take kids to the market at 4:30 and expect them to not wig out. Was he tired? Hungry? Hot? Bored because he is not that interested in learning how to play soccer? 4 is pretty young for soccer camp for many kids. Multiple different punishments hours later may not be that helpful since they have a really short attention span. I'd say if he continues to misbehave at camp rather than not letting him attend a birthday party, stop sending him to soccer camp. But whatever you do decide, I'd say if you tell him he will have x consequence for bad behavior, you have to follow through on that or it is pointless. Good luck!

I'll have to agree with Amy H. (and I'm saying this without knowing what your son is like at home). Talk to your son before punishing him. 4 is not too young for a 3 hr. camp, but maybe too young for a specific sport for 3 hours. I would have the same question if that's all they do or do they also have arts & crafts for example. My 4 y/o is attending a 3 hr. summer camp that includes sports, art, cooking and music. My 4 y/o at home can go through several different activities in an hour so I wouldn't expect him to focus on just one sport for 3 hrs. Your son IS only 4 after all =-)

It seems appropriate to remind him of expectations right before he returns. It also seems unreasonable to connect the party with soccer camp. I would try to make the punishment fit the crime. He should apologize to the coah, and miss out on the celebratory gatorade or whatever might be enjoyable at camp. He would lose birthday party privileges if he was not listening/rude, disrespectful on the way or at the party. Not sure at his age he can successful link the cause and effect when they are hours apart and separate incidents. Good luck.

I also have a 4 year old son and, like you, would be furious if he misbehaved for another person. I agree with the person who suggested that you talk to your son and see if he can give you more information about what happened today. (You also might want to get examples from the teacher of what went wrong so you can decide how much of it was misbehavior vs. how much was responding in an age-appropriate manner.)
Like another poster said, coaches sometimes have difficulty with understanding what a young child can actually be expected to do They are often experts at their sport vs. being child development experts.

I totally disagree with the person that said 4 is too young to attend a 1/2 day camp. My son has attended zoo camp & VBS this summer with exceptional results. I do wonder if part of it is that he just isn't that into soccer. Does the camp do anything besides just play soccer. (Are there crafts, stories, snack times, etc built in.) If not, the camp may just not be age appropriate. It is very rare to find a 4 year old that is that into a specific sport.

I would caution against taking away the birthday party as a punishment since it also hurts another child/family. (They may have already paid for you and at the very least are counting on your presence.) I also don't think what you did was inappropriate. My son hates having to spend time in his room. (We use this when he needs to tkae a breather and regain his composure. He can not come out until he is in control, ready to talk to us, etc).

One thing that has been really effective for us is to reward positive behavior. When our son does something really good (exceptional behavior while out, trying really hard at swim lessons, being kind to a friend, etc) he earns a marble. When he fills the marble jar he earns a reward. (these range from extra time on the Wii to $1 store toys, to special dinner out with Mommy and/or Daddy, etc). It seems to work better than threatening (If you don't behave then...).
That being said, we do still sometimes have to punish behavior when it crosses the line. We try to "match the punishment to the crime." Ex. If he dawdles over dinner then there isn't time to play the Wii. If he hits his sister with a toy, the toy goes away until he can show us that he can play nicely with his sister.
Kids this age can remember a future punishment. A few months ago we were supposed to go to the zoo. The day before, his behavior was out of hand. He was not staying with me at a store, threw a fit at Chick Fil A when he didn't get his way, and generally not following directions. I also have a 1 year old so I waited until he was calm and explained that we would not be able to attend the zoo the next day because it was a safety issue. I didn't feel that I could safely handle both him and his sister based upon his behavior that day. I told him we would have to wait until someone could do with us (dad or grandma) to help me out because their safety came first. He was upset about not getting to go and still talks about it. He also has been much better ever since about this type of thing.

Best wishes!

time out..............not sure why it works it just does, 1 minute per age. at like 6 it stops working, thats when taking away priviledges and toys and grounding makes more sense.

I think it depends on a few things. Is this day camp necessary? Meaning, are you working? Or is it for him and supposed to be fun. Seems like if he doesn't want to go and doesn't have to, he shouldn't. When my daughter had been getting these reports for about 3-4 months straight in Ballet, we took her out. She had plenty of warnings.

If he must be there, then you'll have to take something away that actually matters to him. I hate to say it, but it might need to be the birthday party. My daycare children respond very well to missing what matters to them. Usually it is the next trip to play at McDonald's or the next trip to the park. If I can't do a trip and someone is being very naughty, then I'll ground them in the house. For us that means they don't go outside, they don't get to watch tv or play with the other kids and I make them just sit at the table and color all day.

Since you don't have other children at home his age, you almost need to set up play dates so that you have something you can cancel if need be.

I don't think 4 is too young for a camp, but if he isn't having fun then he might need another type of environment.