Am I Being Petty on Something 3Rd Grade Teacher Said?

Hi K. - I just wanted to say that I am a 3rd grade teacher (and a mom), and I think the comment sounds really strange - I cannot imagine saying that about a student in any context (and especially not at a school assembly), even if it was the comment of a student. The last thing that I would like to draw everyone's attention to is how any student looks - clothes, hair, or otherwise - seems rather inappropriate.

I would try to find out the whole story of what's intended with these spotlights, where the comments come from and what the experience has been so far for the teachers and kids. To me it sounds like it could be a faulty experiment, but I would want to know more before condemning it. I remember in elementary school we all received a "best x" award and the intent was the same; I think of it because my friend, who had all home-made clothes that other kids probably did not think the coolest, got the best-dressed award. Methods meant to boost or shield self-esteem (and self-esteem gets a lot more attention these days than when I was a kid) can go awry, but I think it's also possible to overreact and thereby heighten an already sensitive issue for kids. That's my feeling, anyway. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Ask the teacher first and if she isn't able to clearify to your liking go to the principal.

I would find that strange too. If you are concerned, ask your child's teacher about it, or mention it to the principal.

Here is my take on this situation. This 'spotlighting' is someones 'very bad idea with good intentions.' You are NOT being petty! It sounds like someone came up with this bad idea thinking it would be a positive influence, but any kind of 'spotlighting' is wrong because it leads to children feeling either less than or more than no matter what is said!! There is no way around that. Whether the statement came from another kid or a teacher, it is wrong.

This spotlighting idea is truly psychologically flawed because it only can ever lead to divisiveness AND discrimination. No matter what is said, these things shape and influence a persons life!! This is no small matter.

I would be outraged and talk to the other mothers to stop this 'sharing of personal judgments' now. The teachers cannot be trusted to manage this anyway! There is no second chance after a comment like that.

I suggest you truly trust your own gut on this and not feel in any way apologetic for making a fuss over this incident and stand FIRM that this is totally unacceptable and needs to be stopped. NO 'spotlighting' because it is divisive and discriminatory, period!!

When you talk to the Principal you could acknowledge that while this appears to be an attempt at positive reinforcement, and you can see they are trying to 'be a positive influence,' the problem is that 'spotlighting' isn't a positive influence because it is only sharing PERSONAL OPINIONS AND JUDGMENTS and this creates divisiveness among children and is discrimination!!!

The teachers cannot be trusted with this kind of power- no matter what they say. No students comments should be passed on either. That is worse.

Imagine if this scenario where done in an adult office. The boss comes out and says, "John, I like your enthusiasm and I like having you in the office." The next day she says, " Jill you have THE BEST hair and are the COOLEST dresser." Announcing personal opinions and judgments is controlling, shaming, manipulating, insulting and totally discriminatory. A boss could be sued for that kind of "spotlighting" (discrimination!)

I only offer my opinion only here for what that is worth.
Good luck and follow your intuition, J.

I agree that those comments are not appropriate for a teacher to relay to other children. I would mention it to the principal since this is a new program and the guidelines may not be clear to the teachers at this point (even though it seems like more of a common sense issue :-).

Hi K.,

I feel this is a great way for children to build their self esteem at a very young age.

Children today are mean to each other and they seem to hear more negative then positve and it is damaging to our children to hear to much negative growing up and our confidence seems to go out the door when we grow up with this.

I feel it is great. I am going through some of this training now and I am a grandmother.

Take some notes and repeat the positive affirmations at home to your children.

Have a blessed day.

N. Marie

Why don't you just ask your son's teacher what that was all about?

I would always recommend going to the teacher before the principal- except in cases of obvious misconduct. Taking it to the principal gives it a great deal of weight that could either hurt the teacher or hurt your relationship with the school staff. I taught for over a decade and am now pretty much a full time volunteer at my girl's schools- i have seen people burn bridges by expressing concern that they later wished they still had that bridge to cross.

As for the comment, I agree it was a little funky. I also know some teachers get flusterd in front of big groups. Some kids work very hard on looking cool- and maybe she knew this was a kid that needed that comment. I am always in favor of comments that celebrate the "inside" and that is what I would tell the teacher if I were in your shoes.

Sure, mention it to the principal, but I'd suggest keeping your tone quite neutral and perhaps saying that there must be something you don't understand or missed, i.e. allowing space for uncertainty. It's a good face-saving device for all involved. that seems wierd to me too. if this teacher keeps getting up and saying things like that, then it's not good. However, if the teacher really is reading some comments from students, then it makes plenty of sense. good luck!

I'm not really seeing a problem with the teacher's comment. Maybe she said it because she thinks it's true. Maybe she knows this particular kid takes a lot of time getting ready for school and she wanted to let him/her know she noticed. I really think she was just paying a compliment to the kid. I can tell you just from another parent point of view, I've actually told other moms to please comment on my sons hair (he's now in 5th grade) because after he got it cut, he freaked out and decided he wasn't going to school. (I thought it looked great myself but hey...I'm just the mom...lol) Maybe the child needed some encouragement because they think they don't measure up to others. There are many other factors I'm sure. Just my opinion....
M.
Who has 4 crazy individual kids.

I'm with you on this one, K.. I don't think a teacher should focus on that kind of thing (can't tell you how sad I feel to have my first grader already report that someone made fun of her shoes, a pair she doesn't want to wear to school anymore). I would pursue it. As the previous post suggests, maybe ask the teacher first.

Wow. Lots of interesting responses. My little boy doesn't go to school yet, but I have worked in public schools for over 15 years. I think the comment may have been made to be cute. I'm not sure. You can go to the principal, but what for? The real questions are-Is the teacher fair with every student the class? Is your child learning and enjoy learning in this teacher's class. Is the teacher open and honest with you about your child? If you trust your child's teacher then I'm not sure what the big deal is. I have often told my students they look cute today, I like your hat, etc. But what kind of relationship does the teacher have with the students? Is it caring and nurturing? Just my two cents. Good luck.

No, you're not petty. I'd feel the same way, especially with all the issues surrounding our children today with advertising and trying to "look" a certain way. A gentle suggestion to the Principal that the "something nice" about each student should be limited to talents/work ethic/working with others etc., and nothing said about clothing, physical appearance etc. Stick to your gut, it's usually always right. BTW, happy 50....it's my big year too (and youngest is 6)

good for you for noticing an inappropriate compliment for that age. you could try this: "assume" the comments were made by fellow students, and then say to the teacher, "could you try to discourage superficial compliments and focus on ones about the child's personality or spirit?" that way she might not take it personally becuase you are assuming the comments came from the kids, but she'll get the point that you were uncomfortable with the situation. good luck!