Am I Expecting Too Much?

This is 100% normal behavior for her age! Yep, kids this age still need supervision to do things like clean their room properly, do homework, and such.
So just swallow the frustration, set aside some time, and help her get things done without scolding, yelling, or shaming.

There is an end to this, she will become more independent. But it will be on her own schedule. Don't push her too much or you'll push her away and into rebellion :)

she is nine, she should be able to do these things but has been allowed not to do these things. Instead you stand over her and "make her". Stop hovering if she doesnt shower act like that is fine but when she asks for something tell her no, when you shower you get - this whatever it is. When she doesnt do something you want stop doing something she wants and remind her why. My boys are supposed to do daily chores - trash- dishes - dog poop. If I come home and these simple things are not done nobody plays with thier friends, anything they ask for is denied until these things are done. It takes a little bit of time and some backbone but they get it.

I'm possibly hearing a situation that existed throughout my own childhood (except with my mom, not a step-mom). She had a long list of tasks and expectations for her daughters, and was satisfied only when they were finished on her schedule and to her specifications. She prodded and criticized more or less constantly. Never were we given the space in which to find our own motives to do things –it was always to meet my mom's chosen goals. Never were our own hopes and preferences taken into account, and we were all sour on the whole thing from very early ages.

So, of course, the list of punishments and deprivations was long. We all got to the point where we didn't care. We couldn't care – it hurt too much. There was simply no hope.

A few things would have made my childhood experience more endurable, and I instituted those with my own daughter, and also with my grandson when I spend days with him:

1. Participate in the task if you want it done a certain way. If you can allow the child to complete the task in her own way, all the better. (For example: there are hundreds of ways to get dishes clean, and anyone who insists that only their own techniques are the correct way are creating unneeded stress for everybody.)

2. Break it down into achievable pieces, so there can be moments of success and satisfaction along the way. Since it seems your SD hasn't had much of this kind of training, this should help her work her way through a big job, like picking up her room.

3. Give positive feedback, and make the job playful if possible. In fact, studies have shown that children and adults both work more enthusiastically when their efforts are noticed. (Don't praise in the way we think we're supposed to – that can actually be demotivating. Read about praise here: HOW NOT TO TALK TO KIDS, by Po Bronson: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ .)

4. When possible, allow a big time window in which to complete a task. Hair brushing takes 30 minutes to allow for messing around? Ask her to brush her hair 45 minutes before it needs to be done, and you'll both be satisfied.

5. Step out of the process completely. Allow natural consequences to occur. Hair still not brushed? Go out with it unbrushed. Or with clothes wrinkled, or with slippers on. That won't happen more than once or twice.

6. Don't bribe. A treat "if" she reads is a setup for deeper problems.

There are multiple styles of homeschooling, and homeschooled kids will generally work if allowed to participate in choosing their curriculum.

It sounds like you're happy with very little your SD does, and she may well be overwhelmed by the impossibility of meeting your requirements. I'll bet if you could give her more space when possible, and positive guidance when necessary, she'll respond better.

There's a marvelous little book that can help you learn to handle all sorts of family issues with aplomb – How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book is loaded with real-life examples of how parents made a positive, empathetic connection with their children, while making their own needs and requirements clear. By the time you finish each chapter, you'll be equipped to put the lessons to work in your own family. I can't recommend this gem highly enough.

All kids are different. You cannot ask other moms what your SD "should" be doing. She's not and that's the issue.
I wouldn't load her up on extra chores.
Try making her a chart (maybe she's a visual learner?) for every day tasks and every week tasks. She (or you) can check them off when they are done.
No checks, no rewards.
That simple.
I have an 8 yo boy and he cannot independently "clean up your room" but if I tell him "Books back on the shelf and baseball cards in the box, please" he can do that.

I say let her go!
If she won't shower, let her be stinky until it gets to her (it will). Or kids will comment.

If she won't pick up her room, YOU pick it up and KEEP whatever you take off the floor. If she wants it back, she can "buy" it back with chores, etc...

If she does't do her homework, she can fail and reap the consquences you put in place (grounded, etc...)

If she's poking around and you're trying to leave...LEAVE (don't actually leave her, of course), but get everyone in the car and make her leave "unready". No coat, wet hair, no dinner...whatever.

She needs to understand the consquences of not doing things on her own. She's old enough to learn that and process it. Life continues whether she has her sh*t together or not. You lay out your expectations. The rest is up to her.

Ok, so your SD lives with you and her father? Or lives with her mom and visits? Or half and half?

I ask because 3 parents is 1 parent too many.

I also wonder why YOU are the primary care giver to this child when she's actually at your house to be parented by her father?

What is her mother's parenting style?

This puts you in a yucky spot, but since she already HAS two parents, I would think it would be appropriate for your role to be more of YOU following THEIR lead, rather than the other way around.

I mean you can certainly express your concerns with her parents, but I would think the best thing for the CHILD would be for you to just be a buddy. It's very confusing for her to have THREE different sets of rules, and very natural that your set of rules would be the LAST set she'd be willing to follow.

I'm sorry, I don't envy ANYONE who's title begins with "Step".

:)

Hate to say it, but this sounds like typical 9 year old behavior to me! My son is almost 11 and it is just NOW that I can trust him to actually WASH in the shower, clean his nails, brush his teeth, etc.

When he was 9 he would totally do the 'standing in the water' trick too! and fib about being 'clean'. You just have to keep on it- with your SD- I would suggest it is time for a book on hygiene.

I can highly recommend American Girl's 'The Care and Keeping of You' (I work part time at a children's bookstore and this is our go-to book for girls. Be aware though, that it does deal also with having your period and things like that, so you may want to only highlight certain chapters of it right now).

I think sitting down with her and the book for a talk about how as she grows being clean is more important, etc. might help keep her aware of that aspect of things.

As far as cleaning her room, etc. It IS frustrating- but I have to say, we took things away until there was nothing left to take away and it did not seem to help. Using carrots as well as sticks worked much better- not just " I'll take away your phone if you don't clean your room' - but also " You can get that new shirt you wanted at the mall ONLY if you clean your room before we go later today."

Specifics seem to work best- if she does not get the shirt- she knows exactly WHY and what she had to do to get it. It is really like having a toddler all over again, just repeat and repeat. The good news is that in my son's case at least, he seems to have outgrown it mostly by 11!

And- no offense to you AT ALL- but I agree with the poster below that maybe it is time to consider public school for her? It sounds like she has a lot of boundaries to keep straight with you- you are supposed to be her stepmom and her teacher and that doesn't sound like it is working well from a discipline perspective- and also like it is a huge job for you!

LOTS of kids who aren't 'independent workers' LEARN to be so in school. You may still have to put in lots of homework help time- but all parents do, and it will be less than when you were her only teacher.

Also, speaking as someone who has worked with literally HUNDREDS of reluctant readers over the years of all ages and backgrounds- the biggest key to getting a child to read, is getting them to LIKE it. And that can be hard, even when parents are very well-meaning. I would recommend:

1) What are her interests? Take her to the library and ask the librarian to work with your sd one on one to find books SHE will really be interested in. Do NOT criticize or comment on her choices, even if they are not what you would have picked for her. She will be much more invested in reading something she has chosen for herself.

2)Read out loud to her! Honestly, she not too old for it ( I still read out loud with my son!) and most kids love it, even if they won't always admit it. Reading aloud is still the absolute best way to raise a reader- a lifelong reader only comes from a child who learns to love reading for its own sake. Pick something you are both interested in and invest in 20 minutes for a chapter a day. You will be amazed at the change this simple time together can make!!!

3)Do her friends read? See if they can all read the same books. Girls that age want to be included and do what their friends are doing and in this case, peer pressure can be used to your advantage. Harry Potter got SO MANY reluctant readers reading- just because their friends were doing it. But once they got started on it, they were hooked! The key is always to find what really holds her interest.

Good luck - check out public schools near you. I think she needs a little more perspective and challenging from someone besides you!
good luck!

I don't think you're expecting too much.
There's no medical reason why she can't work at a task independently.
And I don't buy into the whole 'cut them some slack for tween/teen' behavior argument.
I don't know why, but I get the feeling like this is some kind of game to her.
Is this because your the step Mom and not her 'real' Mom?
At some point, you may want to just let her dig herself into a hole.
Don't nag her or watch her at all.
If she's dirty, let her stink. If her hair looks like a rats nest, say nothing.
If her clothes are all crumpled, let her look like an unmade bed.
If her room is a pig pen (short of attracting vermin), just close the door and don't look at it.
She has to own her problem in order to come up with a way to solve it.
BUT, she's got to earn her privileges by being responsible and trustworthy. TV time, computer time, phone time, game time - she gets a half hour for completing a task completely, well done, and unsupervised.

My 8yo son IS ADHD and can do those things by himself, completely on his own, even without me there. Being adhd doesn't mean incompetance or inability... it just means that he's 100% apt to be distracted by anything else more interesting. And since he's "combined" (aka hyperactive both mentally "inattentive type" AND physically "hyperactive type) he has twice the possibility of being distracted. By his own thoughts / daydreaming or by doing something physically fun. Of course, *because* he's adhd-c there are certain strategies that work with him that would make it worse for normal kids, and normal kid things that don't work on him and only would make the situation worse.

((Although he doesn't tie his shoes. I've given up the ghost on that one, his dad yelled at him so much about tying his shoes he starts going into a full on panic attack at the idea of it. My mum calls laces "old technology". She had hooks when she was a kid, and didn't make us learn to use them, either. Although I don't personally believe laces will vanish as completely as hooks did, so I'd like for him to learn eventually. It's just not a battle I'm currently choosing.))

ETA : <laughing> Yeah, I homeschool mine as well. We have JUST gotten to the point after 3 years that for *some* work he might do it on his own for 15 minutes. But even then, he'll stop to share "cool" or "funny" parts with me every couple minutes. Even when he's hyperfocused on something he is just a ridiculous extrovert. We're YEARS ahead on things he enjoys, but things he doesn't like I do my best to keep our heads above water/at grade level. PM coming your way!

Yes.

If you are a Developmental Pediatrician, or a Board Certified Child psychiatrist, or you have read an evaluation report on your Step Daughter from one of these two kinds of medical doctors ruling out ADHD, then you can say that she does not have it. Otherwise, you are guessing. There is much more to ADHD than that, but not being able to accomplish a global task on her own with out a cue (and just so you know, you standing there is a cue.)

It sounds like you do not like this child very much, and you seem to have a great deal of resentment toward her. I would suggest that you get some family counseling, and that if there are other reasons that you added your note about ADHD that you suggest to your husband and your step daughters mother that they have a proper evaluation for her.

When typical dicipline does not work, it is time to consider a couple of things. The first is that there is a neurological processing issue that keeps her from being able to apply the dicipline to herself to avoid the concequences, or that there is some kind of an emotional disturbance that is keeping her from forming a healthy give and take relationship with you, where you have some kind of workable authority. A counselor can guide you to which one of these two things is going on.

9 is a hard age. You need to realize that she is not a little adult. Read about the age and developmental issues associated with it so that you are better in tune with her, children really do depend on the adults to make the adjustments to them, not for them to fall in line for what adults need.

M.

I agree with Peg. And yes, I think you're expecting too much. Let some of your standards down, or your going to wear yourself out. Most kids don't clean their room at 9 years old, or 12, or 16. You can make yourself crazy over this. Let her room be messier. Let her hair be unbrushed. Certain occasions call for brushed hair and perfect rooms, but usually it doesn't have to be perfect.

Personally, I found it easier to do those things myself in 1/10 the time, rather than battle with my kids over principle. And even though they had minimal chores over the years because of it, they've all grown into responsible almost-adults.

I personally could not homeschool a child like that. I know you do it with good intention, but is it really worth it? Why not let a teacher hang over her? Of my three children, only one has the proper personality for homeschooling; the other two would probably not have made it to adulthood if I had had to homeschool them. Are you SURE you want to put yourself through this?

You're not asking too much. But, you aren't the only parent of a kid who cheats in the shower. My friend's son would come out and declare that yes, he had washed everything including his hair. Hello! His hair was was completely dry. (As if she wouldn't notice). She just made him get back in.

It sounds to me like your daughter might be a little manipulative. No offense. She knows how to pull your strings by "making" you stand over her until she does something. Don't do that anymore. She's 9. She can't "make" you do that.
Give her x amount of minutes to get her clothes put away and tell her that if she just stuffs them somewhere, the clothes will go in a garbage bag. Then follow through. Give her x amount of minutes to put her toys away. If she doesn't, they go in the garbage. Instead of "clean your room", try giving her one area or item, such as books, at a time. If you end up having to get rid of a bunch of her things, there will be less for her to have strewn about.

I just wouldn't stand over her anymore. She needs some natural consequences for not following through on things and she'll never gain confidence that she CAN do something by herself if she's not given the opportunity.

Just my opinion.
I hope you get some great advice.

I was doing all of that stuff by myself and then some by the time I was 6 years old.

By her father constantly babying her, he is just setting her up for failure. At what age does he think it is appropriate for her to start cleaning herself and picking up after herself? When she starts her period, learns to drive a car, gets married, has children? Nope, the life lessons should have started years ago for her.

This is largely an issue with him, she knows nothing is expected of her, and isn't going to lift a finger until he starts expecting her too.

Also, sounds like she needs to go into public school, where she can learn social manners, respect and discipline. Strong willed children often thrive better learning from non-parents and outside of their own home. Her father doesn't think she's old enough, because he has no idea what the reality is for children her age.

OOOHHH I like the last part... GO M.!

My DD is a procrastinator too. She takes like an hr to eat dinner. Thats just who she is. I use to ask her to clean her room and it would take 5 hrs to do that cuz she was goofing around. So one day I went in there and said "ok I am going to take this this and this" They were her most prized possessions. She freaked out. I let her cry. Wouldnt you know it the room was clean in a matter of minutes. I have never had a problem from then on she cleans her room THROUGHLY now WITHOUT me asking her to. Of course I gave the stuff back like a week later.

The shower... there are natural consequences to not showering properly. My 14 yr old doesnt shower for days!!! But when I tell him its time to take a shower he does.

9 IS NOT TO YOUNG TO EXPECT WHAT YOU ARE EXPECTING! My 1 yr old helps me put clothes in the dryer!!!!!

When she doesnt do something you ask her to do then I would say dont let her do anything she wants to do until its done. You tell her "Im sorry I would really like to let you watch T.V but xyz wasnt done"

The clothes under the bed and shoved into drawers... I would pull them out from under the bed and leave them in a pile on her floor. Let her start doing her own laundry so she KNOWS all that has to be done in getting clean clothes. All my kids do their own laundry. Start to finish!

If she wants wrinkled clothes and messy drawers I would let that one slide. I would show her how you would like it but thats not really a big deal.

Oh Yeah one more thing. You could turn taking a shower into a game. Race her in the shower. But set the rules 1. hair has to be washed with shampoo and coditioner (smell her hair when done) 2. have to use soap on all parts of the body 3. hair has to be brushed. I use to do that with my SD and she loved it. It was fun for the both of us.

I do not agree that this is typical 9-year old behavior. My daughter is 9 & is perfectly capable of doing everything you've listed and more. She is not ultra-mature for her age, she is a very typical 2nd child. Now, don't get me wrong, I do have to remind her on a very regular basis to do her chores, or to go take a shower, but once told to do so she can & does. The one exception to that rule that I've found is cleaning her room. I think she has a harder time with that because it seems like too much to do at one time & she goes on overload. I've found that if I break it down to her & say, "First pick up any dirty clothes on the floor & put them in the hamper, then fold & put away any clean clothes you've gotten out but not actually worn, then work on the books & toys..." etc. then there's less of an issue.

Make her do the the things she has to do before she can do the things she wants to do.

For the most part, I don't think your expectations are unreasonable.

As far as taking too long brushing her hair, did she know you wanted her to hurry? I mean she did after all brush her hair. Maybe you could try turning it into a race or a challenge? "Let's see how fast you can brush your hair!"

Same for shower- have you laid out what steps you expect every time she takes a shower? My son thinks getting in the water is enough, but now I know I have to specifically request he shampoos his hair.

Some kids are overwhelmed by cleaning their whole room. What helps with my daughter is I tell her what to pick up one category at a time. First I tell her "pick up all the clothes on the floor". Then to pick up all the stuffed animals, then to pick up her books, etc.

From a kids point of view putting clothes in a drawer is putting them up. I would probably let that go myself. You could again make it a challenge, and see if she can remember what goes where. Of course if she gets any of it right make sure to praise her efforts. (Great, you put x and y exactly where they go!)

Well, my Daughter is 8 years old.... and can do those things by herself.
Whether I am right there or not.

For your Daughter, punishments don't work. So stop.
Try talking with her....

She is also a "Tween." Tweens are from ages 9-12. She's a Pre-Teen.
If you do a Google search on "Tween development" many good articles will come up.

Also, the book series "American Girl" books are great. It is for this age. The one called 'The Care & Keeping of You..." is great.
I have it for my daughter.

How is your Daughter IN school? Is she this way too and has problems in school? Or ONLY at home? If it is only at home... then she can 'control' her so called 'laziness.'

all the best,
Susan

Sounds like she just simply doesn't want to do the things she doesn't like doing. Need to change that. I think she should have to do those yucky things she doesn't like doing before she can do any of the things she enjoys doing.
I'd make a habit of making her do "something" I mean anything, doesn't have to be major, like "please pick up your shoes" before she gets to do anything she wants. I think it will help to get those gears turning on how things should be without be too direct about it. If she refuses or takes to long (see timer idea below :) then it's a no go on what she wants. Put it in HER court. Let HER make the choice and get that monkey off your back!
I think a simple approach would be use of a timer for her. It might seem daunting for you at first but I think it would help you both out.
If she's not done in a timely manner then something she enjoys doing is lost.
No no begging or griping from you. Set the rules, be firm and consistent.
Make a list out of what her "currency" is and use them to pay up for tooting around too much.
C.
Oh and no I don't think you are asking too much for her age at all :)

I belive that there are consquences for your actions. Put up a list of things she has to do each week (put them up Monday and they have to be done by a certain day. If you know it takes her longer, give her until Sunday). This includes whatever you want her to do. If this means that you want her to clean her room daily then she has to do that each day. It doesn't sound like she gets allowance so I would take things away that she values. TV time, computers, her phone, hanging out with friends, etc. If she does those things, she can do the fun things (the good consquences of her actions).

I second MandA M's post about letting her stink. When people do not want to hang out with her or come over, she'll get the hint. Or her dad will after he's sniffed her a few days after not showering.

He is her father so being the step parent, I would tread carefully because you do not want this relationship with her to affect the relationship with him.

Hugs Sweet and Lord love you for homeschooling her. I have an 8 year old and he dose the same darn thing. I also hear you about your husband and you not being on the same page as well. My DH babys your girl a lot more than he ever dose/did our son, so some of that may be a daddy daughter thing (Not that that helps much).
I am reading a book that might help a bit. "Positive Discipline A-Z". I am reading the 3rd edition. it has a lot of truly great ideas. I hope this helped and if not I hope you can find your answer with someone else!
Blessings Sweety
S.